i don't fit in with anyone - i may have severe mental problems

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>my first quarter at the new school i transferred to just ended, and the 2nd quarter just started. I 've met plenty of acquaintances but few of them are actually "friends" in the sense that we can talk about stuff comfortably.</p>

<p>I live in the apartments - so its hard to meet people since i dont live in the dorms. I'm into math and physics especially and philosophy a little, so I have interests few people have.</p>

<p>My main problem I think is that I dont fit in with anyone. Even though I have intellectual interests, I'm actually not that well-read and dont have much knowledge of the intellectual stuff people sometimes talk about (like history, economics, etc) since i used to have really bad reading skills</p>

<p>its gets so incredibly lonely and frustrating for most of the day. I do almost everything alone (study and eat on my own, because most of my friends or acquaintances live in the dorms or have their own group of friends). Most of my friends I met in class. But when we got out of classes, we don't usually spend time to talk or have lunch together. I think they all have their own different schedules, or they don't find think I'm a cool guy to hang out with. i've only been a part of a few decent conversations all last quarter (as in we talked about anything beyond basic small talk)</p>

<p>I've tried to solve this problem by joining clubs. The intellectual clubs were way too hardcore, or most of the members there already know each other real well, so they werent welcoming to new members, but the main problem was the latter. In the social clubs, I dont fit in either because I lack social skills and really lack social knowledge (I dont watch tv much, listen to pop music much, etc)</p>

<p>the only plus side is that academically, I've done really well. last quarter i got 2 a's and 2 A+'s. also, i just might be able to find my niche with the study group i was able to be a part of that formed towards the end of last quarter. but again, they all have their own set of friends and all live in the dorms</p>

<p>right now, i'm really depressed. once i find my group of friends with whom i can joke around with and hang out with, I'll feel so much better</p>

<p>i'm already a junior, so i feel that much more pressure to have a better life, since I dont want to waste my college years</p>

<p>some questions i have:
am i really antisocial? should i focus my free time reading or trying to know more about pop culture, so i can fit in with normal people better? should i try to join clubs that do volunteer work? should i try to build stronger friendships with my acquaintances, and try to hang out with them more? or will i appear as desperate and look like a loser</p>

<p>i really need help. i really appreciate any adivice</p>

2

<p>you should go and talk to a counselor at your university's counseling center.
no one here is really qualified to give you the kind of suggestions you really need.
a counselor or psychologist could ask further questions to get a feel for what might be going on in your life. while you've given a lot of good background information, it's still hard to know what the actual problem might be. also, online we cannot tell how you act (nonverbal behavior is extremely important in relating to and communicating with other people)</p>

<p>Based on your description, I have a couple of thoughts, though:</p>

<p>1) Finding things you enjoy and doing them (not necessarily clubs; just hobbies) will help you make friends
*Pick a hobby and become proficient in it (becoming competent in something will raise your self-esteem and self-efficacy while also making you more attractive and likable to other people)</p>

<p>2) Be proactive in making friends -- never wait for people to invite you; don't be afraid to invite yourself along with a group. If you're passive in your relationships, it's unlikely your relationships will ever grow.</p>

<p>3) Remember the rules you learned in kindergarten and preschool -- things like the golden rule, good manners, etc. -- basically, be nice to the people around you; avoid pushing people away</p>

<p>4) Look like you're having fun -- enjoying life is all about attitude and not necessarily the circumstances. The most mentally healthy people are the ones who can remain positive even in hard times. Those people are the most likable, which results in a cycle of people liking them leading to more positive feelings, which leads to more people liking them, and so on!</p>

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<p>Great advice apumic! Sorry I don't have anything to add. I also really recommend talking to a counselor. It's their job to help you =)</p>

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<p>Newton, I know exactly where you are coming from :)</p>

<p>I have always been "the nerd" in high school because I considered math my hobby. My main ECs were math related - competitions, workshops, math classes at universities. Most of my (good) friends were people I kept meeting at those occasions, but I saw them only once a week at most. I joined a few other clubs (sports, student newspaper, community service) but I was not motivated to stay in them for longer than a couple of months at most because I could not relate to the people in them and I could not care less about the activities... I did not have a lot to talk about with most people because just like you I did not watch a lot of TV or listened to music (when someone asked me what music I listened to I replied "whatever comes out of the radio").</p>

<p>Now I am in college and I would consider my main interests to be math, comp sci and a little bit philosophy. I have yet to find another person with the same combination of interests, but I am fortunate to have found a friend who is into comp sci and a little bit of math, even though not quite as much as I am.</p>

<p>I cannot give you a lot of advice because I am pretty much in the same situation, but I want to share one thing I have noticed: it helps to be interested in people. You don't have to share the same interests to talk about a subject... Let me give you an example: I have a friend who is into politics (actively, not only the academic subject) and she keeps me updated on everything she is doing. I don't know a lot about politics at all, but I do care about what she is doing and she loves to have somebody actively (!) listening to what she has to say. She does (at least) 80% of the talking in a conversation about politics but I learn a lot about the subject and over time my participation in our conversations has become more "informed".</p>

5

<p>i dont know waht college you go to but from what i've gathered so far, for a large university like mine, it seems like people don't really have one stable group of friends. there are groups you do different things with. and its not like a stable group group you do stuff with, its more of who's available. also it is very common to do stuff with like 1 or 2 other friends.</p>

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<p>i've already made an appointment to see a counselor next week. besides that, what can i do to have a better social life? i might try non-academic classes like martial arts or trying volunteer clubs, dont know if those will help or not...</p>

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<p>Going to a counselor is a great idea. I used to work at a college counseling center, an we had ways of helping students with the kind of concerns that you're describing. We literally taught them social skills, which aren't that hard to learn if you've got someone teaching you them.</p>

<p>Usually the community service organizations especially are welcoming to other members, and the people who join also feel good because it does feel wonderful to help other people. With your strong math and science skills, you also probably would be particularly welcome in projects involving helping kids with homework, etc.</p>

<p>Non-academic classes also are wonderful way of meeting people. This may sound silly, but consider ballroom dancing. Anyone can learn how to dance as long as they can move and have instruction. Of course, not everyone could be on "Dancing with the stars," but anyone who can move can learn how to be a social dancer. I am speaking from experience. Neither my husband and I ever could dance, but now we're taking dance lessons -- and with that help we can socially dance.</p>

<p>Guys are at a premium in ballroom and other social dance classes and clubs, so that would be a big, big advantage for you. One of my friends -- a charming, beautiful woman -- met her husband (who sounds a lot like you -- is an engineer, and a bit socially shy and awkward) while doing contra dancing. They have been married 7 years, and are extremely happy together, and still regularly go dancing!</p>

<p>S, who is a bit shy, was one of 3 guys out of 12 people in his ballroom dance class last semester. Of course, the girls preferred to dance with him than with each other. He made some nice friends there.</p>

<p>When it comes to the intellectual clubs, it may be that you are shy and were feeling a bit awkward, so were extra sensitive to the fact that some members knew each other. If you'd continued to go to the meeting, and had volunteered to help with some club project, you'd probably have made friends. Usually there are lots of people who like to join clubs, but few who want to do the club work. Those who are willing to do the club's work get to be close friends.</p>

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<p>I think joining voluteer organizations is a good idea and a helpful one at the same time. Try not to stay in your apartment...I know it can be isolating being off campus...instead do your studying at the library, hang out in the student lounge or popular places on campus. Try and take the acquaintances you know and ask them to grab lunch with you or ask what they're doing later. Be more assertive in pursuing relationships. Make at least one contact in each class, even if it is just to get study notes or assignments...call on that person even if you don't need to. You might even use social networking sites like Facebook to contact others who have similar interests or look like potential friends.
Good luck!</p>

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<p>Junior? When I saw the title I figured it was like some like little 17yr old kid or something. ROFLMAO</p>

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<p>Nothing funny about the OP's post, kenshi. I don't see what ever is funny about a person who's having some problems. Have a heart.</p>

<p>Also, the OP is a transfer student living in an apartment, which makes things very more difficult in terms of social opportunities.</p>

11

<p>dancing... i think i just wet my pants from fear, lol. i may consider it</p>

<p>at the intellectual clubs, i felt like a totally ignorant idiot compared to everyone else. but its probably because they know their subject extremely well, so I'm normal not them. </p>

<p>i already spend most of the day outside my apartment. </p>

<p>i'm a junior and having these problems because last year i became a recluse and made absolutely no effort to improve socially - huge mistake on my part</p>

<p>facebook... i have hardly any friends, so future people wont want to become friends with me, thinking i'm such a social loser</p>

12

<p>Newton, you attend UCLA as well. I've had similar problems. Quite frankly, from my experiences, the student body is quite apathetic, polarized between NorCal and SoCal, and are a far cry from being 'intellectual.' My discussion sections have been extremely disappointing - it's pervaded to courses as close to the graduate school courses in terms of assigning numbers. Again, severely disappointing. </p>

<p>My saving grace is reminding myself that the school has absolutely amazing resources, large enough (although not interdisciplinary as I had imaged) departments for me to pick and choose where to invest my time or academic interests. That and it's easy to stand out since our peers are far from office-hours friendly unless it's grade-grubbing. Cynical enough yet? I'm pretty jaded. Top 25 university? Research. Research. Top professors around the board.
[quote]
I'm actually not that well-read and dont have much knowledge of the intellectual stuff people sometimes talk about (like history, economics, etc) since i used to have really bad reading skills

[/quote]
I'm surprised that this comes off an issue. Even in my upper-division courses, I am sorely disappointed. Were you trying out the Glass Bead Society? I'm hesitant to even try - I'm pretentious-sounding enough - to be in a collective body would be even more aggravating. :rolleyes: I kid.
[quote]
at the intellectual clubs, i felt like a totally ignorant idiot compared to everyone else. but its probably because they know their subject extremely well, so I'm normal not them.

[/quote]
Were you trying out College Bowl too? I tried it for awhile but then grew bored or not interested in putting in the effort in actually being a good member than being run-of-the-mill. How boring! :rolleyes: Keep talking to people until you realized that your insecurities are unjustified or unwarranted. That, and move to YRL with me! </p>

<p>Let me know if you find your 'intellectual' cohort - I'm doubtful. The school is a manufacturer of bachelor's degrees like any other large school. It's the sifting through part and making your degree something more than a sheet of paper that becomes more annoying than anything. Apparently, courses are supposed to become small as you progress into your degree. I've come to the rude awakening that all of my courses are dominated by lectures and the few honors seminars that students dominate to receive the coveted Honors sticker on their diplomas after graduation.</p>

<p>You get what you pay for.</p>

13

<p>"facebook... i have hardly any friends, so future people wont want to become friends with me, thinking i'm such a social loser"</p>

<p>I can tell you may be a self cautious person from that statement. Not EVERYONE takes facebook that seriously or even uses it. The ones with 200-500 friends from one school are the biggest loosers IMO. Do you really think they are friends with 500 people from the school? I know plenty of really cool people that are not friend whores on facebook. Some of them are even hot girls.</p>

<p>Don't let something as silly as facebook be an obsticle to you. </p>

<p>Don't sweat it too hard. Just be yourself with an optimistic perspective. Everyone fits in somewhere in college.</p>

14

<p>From my experience, being yourself, and looking confident (but not arrogant) is the best way. Plus, doing some sports doesn't hurt either. Whenever I move to a new school, the FASTEST way I ever made friends was by playing soccer</p>

<p>Another advice would be to always SMILE! Look happy and lively. That would make you look interesting.</p>

15

<p>Um... having facebook friends doesn't mean much. I probably have like 70 facebook friends from my school. There are people who are very well respected and have plenty of friends who only have 20 facebook friends. But they know all of them very well. Then there are those with like 500 facebook friends... who probably facebook every person they've met, and even people they met on their class of '__ facebook group before even coming to school.</p>

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<p>Excuse my post. I was feeling horribly bitter at that point. The gist of it applies - apathy and being lost in the masses and sifting through so many to find your place. :rolleyes:</p>

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<p>there is a very very small possibility you may have Asperger's Syndrome. You might want to look that up. My niece was dating a guy who seemed to lack warmth. She decided he probably didn't have it, but I read up on it, and you might want to investigate just to rule it out.
What you are describing is so painful, I had some experience with feeling as you do at your age, and I didn't have Asperger's, although I wonder if I was heading toward a schizoid personality. (I got married and involved and busy and that ended my isolation)
Do speak to a counselor and just lay it out. The counselor might have suggestions for clubs you could join, like Society for Creative Anachronisms, which my brother really enjoyed in college--not sure if it is still around.
Best wishes.</p>

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<p>how many people actually have "Aspergers"? </p>

<p>It just sounds everything was started from general social anxiety and LOTS of people have it.</p>

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<p>Use meals as a time to socialize. Strike up random conversations with people in your classes, sit next to somebody new -- do whatever it takes to start a conversation with a person, then if you enjoy their company, ask them to have lunch/dinner with you. </p>

<p>If you feel inadequate when discussing intellectual topics, which will likely involve politics due to the current election, perhaps you should read up on them? If you aren't interested at all, that's fine, but don't make excuses for things that can be easily fixed.</p>

<p>If you're going to UCLA you should have access to hundreds of clubs and organizations where you might find your place. You could try being a tutor at your college in a subject where you are strong -- it's something to do and you'll meet people all of the time.</p>

<p>Most importantly, self-image and confidence are everything. If you think you have severe problems, that you aren't interesting to talk to, or that you are socially awkward, what do you think will happen? You will act as though you have problems whether you do or not, you will be boring, and you will be awkward. Change your opinion of yourself and be brave enough to begin conversations with people -- it's not that bad, I swear, you may actually enjoy it.</p>

20

<p>mme-lin, whats the glass bead society?</p>

<p>"Plus, doing some sports doesn't hurt either."
i already am. too bad its not very social, or at least not so since I'm a beginner and all the better players have had years of experience and already know each other. most of the beginners stopped showing up</p>

<p>"If you feel inadequate when discussing intellectual topics, which will likely involve politics due to the current election, perhaps you should read up on them?"
i already do follow politics, but i dont follow it so much that I'll fit in with, say, the college democrat or republican clubs</p>

<p>"If you're going to UCLA you should have access to hundreds of clubs and organizations where you might find your place. You could try being a tutor at your college in a subject where you are strong -- it's something to do and you'll meet people all of the time."
i have to wait til spring to tutor college students. i tried tutoring high schoolers last week, but the tutees i were with seemed cliquey and i felt really nerdy/out of place with them</p>