I don’t think they should coddle him, but he is still young and the situation is decently strange- enough for me to still encourage the parents to reach out and ask/understand the situation.
Don’t be ashamed as parents if you’re good parents. But I think he’s in a unique situation and the relationship may improve if the parents and the son both made some compromises- reading a book, having an adult conversation, etc.
No it hasn’t. People using the term CRT has increased exponentially, but CRT being taught hasn’t.
Even places that have ‘banned’ CRT admit it isn’t being taught in non-law schools currently. What they are calling CRT in most places is the writings of MLK and stories about Ruby Bridges.
If people want to talk about things they find racist and anti-white - just say so and don’t try to use CRT as a catchphrase to avoid honest discussion.
I have to disagree.
Let’s not turn this into a Critical Race Theory debate. It is really about the son’s estrangement and how to deal with that. No need to go down a deep dark political hole.
In the past people who had advantages were encouraged to react with gratitude and use those advantages to help and encourage others. It’s not a privilege to be born to a family that values education, hard work, kindness, etc. It is a gift. I think the same exercise could be used to show those with the most marbles that they should be grateful and that it’s important to show gratitude by using those gifts wisely. Denigrating them and encouraging them to feel bad about themselves is going to be the downfall of many a good human being.
Agree and disagree.
The main topic is a son’s estrangement.
The secondary topic that has been enlarged to stand on equal footing (in this thread) with the main topic is the OP’s theory that the son becoming aware of ongoing racism and inequity in America is somehow responsible for that estrangement. And others have taken that theory and expanded it to assert CRT is somehow responsible for the estrangement.
This thread has taken a very strange, yet for me predictable, shift from subtleties to blatant ,
I totally agree we shouldn’t turn this into a CRT debate - that was my original point - let’s not use the term as it doesn’t belong here.
But what’s the definition of “good parents”? I’m seriously asking, because apparently working hard and paying for your kid to go to an elite college might not be the definition for this kid.
It’s very difficult to have a conversation or compromise with someone who won’t meet you halfway. I get the impression this young man isn’t willing to do so at this time. So yes, text, call, invite, but don’t enable
I mean like, parents who aren’t verbally/physically abusive. I’m giving them lots of leniencies here, don’t worry. A good parent loves their child and wants a relationship with them, all the while not physically or emotionally harming them on purpose. If something happens on accident? The best way to fix it, and be a good parent and responsible adult, is to apologize. They’re fantastic for paying for his college and working hard to get him there, don’t get me wrong. Thanks for asking respectfully.
I want to preface my response by saying that in no way shape or form am I suggesting this is what is going on in OP’s family. This is 100% about me and my family.
My parents were super providers. They both worked very hard as immigrants, and paid for my Ivy League education. I was the first to go to college in the family, If that’s the definition of great parenting, it was a win for them. But, my dad was an alcoholic. He and my mom constantly battled. I spent most of my childhood hiding in my room to get away from the screaming. They loved us kids, but it was a scary house to grow up in and we were often the brunt of their frustration. As I got older, and had a good amount of counseling, I had to set some boundaries for myself and my family. Things like seeing my parents during the daytime hours and not for dinner when my dad would be drunk; Not allowing my father to drive my daughter after 4 pm. I never broke off my relationship with them, but I had boundaries that they never could understand and they complained about it to their friends constantly. In their minds, they were amazing parents. In mine, they were unpredictable and volatile.
Absolutely 100% agree. This is my point- not an attack on OP, but parents/kids do not see eye to eye, and you have to really, really do some digging on your own or with a therapist to fully understand what may be going on. Some people are more emotional than others- where a person would establish a boundary, another completely cuts contact. It hurts and can be unfair, but you have to really deep dive and think about your personal life. That part earlier in the thread about some kids just “blowing things out of proportion”? To them, their entire life is comprised of small events, because they’ve been on earth for <20 years, and their parents being harsh/emotionally unavailable/fighting/divorce/etc is actually really hard and the parents don’t understand.
Financial support is absolutely amazing and OP deserves a pat on the back. But, I agree, it isn’t everything, and something may be happening behind the scenes.
I also grew up with an alcoholic father and a bipolar mother. They didn’t pay for me to go to college. My brother and I had a rough childhood.
I still would say they were good parents. My brother and my parents made peace and all was good until his wife got involved.
My point is that parents are just people. They make mistakes. They are imperfect. Some are horrible and I understand being estranged.
We don’t know this family at all- but it seems many young adults today are really critical of their upbringing, to an extent that I find offensive.
To share some good news, my oldest (the one who cut us off) just got his top choice job from his search - and immediately texted the whole family on our group chat to let us all know. It moves him closer to one of his brothers and he noted that too.
It’s so nice having him totally back in the family again!
I wish the best for the OP - and if (big if) their son’s problems came from that one class it was due to a bad professor, not a bad topic to be considering. History favored males and white males in particular - that shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. It means we need to change the past to make things better now. Learning about how much it affected people so we can internally and externally make the changes is the first step.
The “ class” experience he shared with us was a discussion during the first semester break. He continued to have various classes, exposure to this sort of philosophy. Nothing happens all at once… his change in attitude was a four year journey. I do not know all of his thoughts/feelings
Nor do the high school friends he no longer associates with. We will never close the door on our relationship with him.
That’s the important thing - that and learning his love language to be able to show him you love him. Chances are it’s not verbal (the love language).
I am just curious to understand your statement that schools are teaching kids that what we did as parents were actually “harmful”. Can you give a few examples?
I have a junior in college in the mid-west and a high school senior in CA. We come from a bit of a socially conservative (a lot more fiscally conservative :-)) family background, but we accept, respect, and appreciate different beliefs and cultures. I have had numerous conversations about these with my kids. I have never heard them as saying that their school is telling anything that we have been following as harmful. I always respect and reach out for other perspectives and hence want to know. We all have a role to play in society and i want to make sure that i am doing my part and would like to understand if there is anything i can do to make our society better.
Fully agree with EconPop’s take. The estrangement is a real issue, but the turn of this thread to blame CRT, etc. is strange and dark. Young people can learn about racial inequities without disowning their families, so I assume something else is up. Placing blame so simply and crudely appears more symptom than explanation of the problem.
Trying to become “color blind” over the years is part of the problem.
Like someone said the most we can offer is sympathy if no concrete solution.
Peer pressure is a real thing and your son was pulled into this at school. He wasn’t always this way which is actually hopeful. He most likely is a sensitive person and this made a huge impact on him. And yes, in his eyes you are the culprit causing this “pain”. Not particularly clear thinking but that’s his story and for right now he’s sticking to it.
Depending on where he works and the people he will be around might be the crowbar to pull him back out. If he gets into an environment with others who are not so keen on these views he may realize there are two sides of the coin. As the “real world” shows up–all that “adulting” (my D declared that NOBODY is an adult until they get their first “real” paycheck and see all the taxes taken out…)-- he may open his eyes a bit wider. Yeah, he was “gifted” good parents and a good start in life–may everyone be so lucky.
So keep the door wide open. You never know when he’ll be back. He has a family and siblings. You won’t be able to tell him that as the “enemy” right now but at some point somebody will be it a co-worker, his brother or sister, a future wife, a random stranger on the street.
In the meantime, you did your job as a parent. Be proud of it. We all know it isn’t easy. You’ve gotten your kid launched. You raised him, got him through school, and now he has a job. Sigh of relief! Now it’s his life to navigate. You are no longer directly responsible for his life or views (no matter how little you agree). Be happy if he’s happy wherever he lands. If he’s not happy just stay close if he wants advice. That truly is all you can do.
Sadly I think your therapist was right, OP. Keep the dialogue and invitations open, but it takes 2 to maintain a relationship. You can rightfully take pride in raising your son, he is now an independent adult and you can shift focus to your other kids if you wish. He may return when he is ready to do so, but he is not that man now.
Cross posted with gouf78, but agree completely