Not the kid I dropped off

I agree with some of the other posters. Be patient, if you raised him with love he knows that and will have new life experiences that may bring you closer. I don’t mean this as a criticism, but I think you or another poster referred to “broken homes.” I’m not sure what that means in today’s society, but I am a single mom (have been my daughter’s whole life) and my home is not “broken.” I know two parent homes that are loving and some that have a lot of problems. Only anecdotal, but of my daughter’s friends who are least close to their parents, in my (limited) experience, there are a couple that the divide is due to a conservative Christian upbringing and a child that is gay or transgender but their parents don’t know. Another friend has parents that watch really biased news sources that aren’t fact based and the kid has a hard time stomaching being around that and hearing all the “hate talk” whatever that means. I like the other poster’s advice to find your kid’s love language and use that as a bridge. I just bet that bridge will get bigger and stronger over time. Maybe do side by side" stuff (activities/shows etc) more than “face to face” (long dinners/talks) for a while during time you have together.

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“ Judge a man not by the color of his skin, but by the content of his character . ” Martin Luther King. The exercise seems to be indicating the reverse is true.

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You should just walk out of the school at that point.

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I consider myself to be an independent/ moderate. Some of my family thinks I am a crazy liberal. My teenager thinks I’m an out of touch old fart who tries. The OP seems to really love and miss her son, I think she probably is looking to build bridges with him not blow them up. What’s more important, being right (neither will win that one) or being in each others’s lives as a family?

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My kids, especially S1, have run into similar things at school. He is mixed race, and definitely doesn’t look “white”. He, and his other non white friends, find this approach to be a waste of their time, uncomfortable, and at times they think, “… and who’s next?”… as they all know exactly what it’s like to be attacked for their appearance. There is also a thought that a backlash is coming.
Hateful, useless stuff.

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I sounded like he graduated from college - so he held up “his side of the bargain”, so why would parents back out of what they had committed themselves to?

Funding college was about affording one’s child an education - not a blackmail-tool to buy their eternal friendship?

I absolutely feel for the parents, and certain would worry what (unspoken) issues he might be going through - but distancing oneself is not “punishable”.

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Young people pick up on digs like this. This is the sort of ridicule that parents may consider no big deal, but if repeated can cause gay kids to distance themselves from their parents. (This does not sound like it is the OP’s situation, but just a general example.)

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One half of my family (dad’s side) keeps “naughty lists” where they won’t talk to people for whatever period of time they deem appropriate. I’m on my sibling’s list now since I called her out for not working on dad’s estate. It’s been 3 1/2 years since dad died. I did mom’s and was done in 2 years and that was stretching it due to Covid. All it takes is a disagreement to get on the list. It doesn’t have to be that major of a disagreement.

When I realized my mom wasn’t evil and let her into my life I got on my dad’s list. He wouldn’t come to my graduation or wedding. We also took our young kids to see him on one of our visits from FL to NY (our respective locations) and he turned us away. I told the kids, “Grandpa is sick.”

Why people choose to distance completely mystifies me. I guess it goes along with a “My way or the highway” mentality.

Those of us who don’t participate in making naughty lists joke about those who do. It’s either laugh or cry and we see no point in crying. They choose to miss out. We keep the door open. But crying can be an option (and happens even when we joke). What they do is sad and time is missed. My dad missed my latter college years, my wedding, and the whole time his grandkids were younger. He won nothing and later admitted he regretted it. You can’t turn back the clock though.

As I said before, it taught me that nothing my boys can believe or do will have me cutting ties with them. They’re allowed to be them.

I also keep friendships with those of opposite political views and religious views from mine.

Perhaps I’m weird.

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I don’t think you’re weird - I find it amazing actually.

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While that might be the party-line, the actual curriculum at schools didn’t change substantially, certainly not “exponentially”.

My daughter is keenly aware of her white privilege. We’re “only” middle-class, but she grew up in northern NJ, in one of the more affluent areas in the nation, with property tax rates that afforded well-funded public schools that are able to purchase only the latest technology and hire the best teachers.

She didn’t have to be “taught”, or “brain-washed” with, any theory (no matter what buzz-word some like to apply to it now). At some point, she was old enough to simply take in the facts, e.g., when seeing other parts of the country, or the rest of the world, we visited.

Certainly, American History is being taught everywhere, including the fact that many of today’s social and societal divisions certainly can be traced back to laws and official practices even as recent as the 1970s (red-lining), or the school segregation up to then. And those are just the things from OUR lifetimes.

It’s not about personal guilt or shame. But her having (without my doing) gained awareness how lucky some of us are, and accepting how our fortune has partially been built on the disfortune our country collectively and systematically had imposed on others for countless generations, is not a bad thing to have.

So yes, she sees her Ivy League school as an opportunity, and is thankful for that - but also openly decries practices there that she feels require change.

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This is the way my boys feel - all three white males. They know they were lucky in the birth lottery, aren’t ashamed of it, and want to help equalize things for all which can mean giving others a boost if they’d been pushed down due to past practices.

It’s the most common sense I get from kids in my high school too.

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I was going to reply via a direct message, as this thread is about the OP’s relationship and current estrangement with their son. However, as @EconPop indicated, the secondary topic of the teaching of inequality in the U.S. has been moved front and center as the OP believes it may have been a cause for the estrangement, and there are several likes and 100 (agreements) on this particular post. And as our nation just observed Martin Luther King, Jr.'s birthday as a national holiday, let me provide some additional reading from his Letter from a Birmingham Jail.

I must make two honest confessions to you, my Christian and Jewish brothers. First, I must confess that over the past few years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate. I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro’s great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen’s Counciler or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate, who is more devoted to “order” than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says: “I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot agree with your methods of direct action”; who paternalistically believes he can set the timetable for another man’s freedom; who lives by a mythical concept of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait for a “more convenient season.” Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection.

I had hoped that the white moderate would understand that law and order exist for the purpose of establishing justice and that when they fail in this purpose they become the dangerously structured dams that block the flow of social progress. I had hoped that the white moderate would understand that the present tension in the South is a necessary phase of the transition from an obnoxious negative peace, in which the Negro passively accepted his unjust plight, to a substantive and positive peace, in which all men will respect the dignity and worth of human personality. Actually, we who engage in nonviolent direct action are not the creators of tension. We merely bring to the surface the hidden tension that is already alive. We bring it out in the open, where it can be seen and dealt with. Like a boil that can never be cured so long as it is covered up but must be opened with all its ugliness to the natural medicines of air and light, injustice must be exposed, with all the tension its exposure creates, to the light of human conscience and the air of national opinion before it can be cured.

Follow the link to read the entirety of his letter should you wish to examine whether this quote was taken out of context to be misrepresentative of Dr. King’s intent.

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OP: I would like to send a PM to you, but unfortunately your profile is private.

If it helps, research this LAC and you will find that the campus culture is reported to be fairly extreme at the school in question. That may, I hope, result in more understanding and a bit of comfort.

Additionally, some individuals are more susceptible to outside influences than are others.

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I wish it were common. Seeing how many on here have had similar experiences in their families, plus knowing some at school whose parents aren’t as accepting has me really asking, why? Why is it so important for so many that their family or friend group has to fit their definition of “right” or they kick them out with such bitterness?

When it delves into politics it’s even more scary. I live very near Gettysburg and have been to the museum there reading the newspapers and letters from Civil War days. I always wondered how families and countrymen could turn on each other to the point of war.

Yet in Gettysburg’s newspaper from 1/10/22 there was an article about one of our candidates for senate joining the race describing a rally he held. In the description (partially religious) all I could think of was one Bible verse. “Jesus wept.”

It seems in today’s world so many can’t hold differing views and still be in the same circle. Slavery isn’t even part of the equation.

I like to think there’s hope though. I have friends who could have been at that rally and they haven’t kicked me out of their circle. They think I’m nuts, of course, but when it comes to enjoying a game together, we still do.

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What is “this LAC”? Would be helpful to understand the situation.

I will not share that information as it is private info. that only the OP can choose to share or not share.

It seems that actions and character don’t matter to those pushing this agenda; only demographic traits do. They in fact are pushing the very -isms that they claim they are trying to eliminate.

As long as demographic traits are pushed as the main causes for success or failure – instead of actions and character – there will be “justification” for some to fall back on the former to excuse failure, and to scorn others’ success.

What is the truth behind the causes of success and failure? The thing is, we are all unique individuals and hundreds and maybe thousands of actions, decisions, and (sometimes) luck combine to shape our situations. I think it’s mostly us – we are mostly the captains of our own destinies – but it isn’t the same proportion of actions/luck for everyone.

Regardless of the causes of success or failure, to put it all on luck or skill/perseverance is probably incorrect for most people. There’s some mix. As is the case with many human endeavors, it’s complicated.

So he has been perhaps brainwashed to think that his standing in life, and maybe even anything he will ever accomplish, is due to luck. If that message is accepted, one does not have to believe in personal responsibility, working hard, being kind, etc. – things long thought to be virtues. If they don’t matter, why should we care about them?

Probably life experience will reverse some of the damage that has been done – he will know the work he does and recognize the professional relationships he makes and keeps are the main keys to his success, not his race or sex/gender. He’ll recognize that his value is not rooted in his demographics, but in what he does and how he treats others.

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Two things can be true at the same time!?

One can accept that one was born under a lucky star - but that alone doesn’t guarantee success, thus does not render the other virtues worthless.

Know plenty of lucky people who descended into unfortunate situations because they tried resting on their (inherited) laurels, instead of seeing it has having a “head-start”.

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I took @flyawayx2 comment as saying that it SHOULD have ended with raising with awareness and NOT moved on to the denigration that occurred. Whatever the intent, though, I agree that awareness is appropriate but causing shame is wrong and not productive.

To @bluedog23, the OP, I’m so sorry that this is happening. Your description of him in high school sounds like he was and is a very caring and highly sensitive young man. My brother and parents had a somewhat similar situation and it was so painful for all of us. We eventually came to learn that my brother’s behavior was actually rooted in his own unhappiness and undiagnosed depression, and my parents were the safest place for him place his anger and emotions that he didn’t understand. I’m not trying to suggest that your son is depressed by the way; just acknowledging that no matter the root cause, it’s sad and painful.

I was reminded in a recent episode of the Hidden Brain podcast just how important the feeling of being understood is in relationships and often it is a source of conflict, though it’s often not articulated. It sounds like you are showing him your love and trying to understand him, even though he’s pushing you away. Just wanted to affirm your efforts and hope things improve for your family.

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Yep – lucky stars can certainly help, but celestial auspices only go so far. One must also do/be.

Is it easier? Sure, no doubt. Just like it’s harder being born without a silver spoon. But effort and basic goodness go a long way to reaching a desired result, regardless of things that cannot be controlled. (my apologies if we are in agreement – I wasn’t sure if you were agreeing with me or not. hehe)

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