<p>Hello all. I am dreadfully nervous about my chances of being admitted into a decent institution of higher learning. I would appreciate your prognosis.</p>
<p>SAT: 2390 (I know, horrendous. I will be retaking, and this time, indulging in Adderrall prior to the festivites.)</p>
<p>GPA: UW: 4.0 W: 6.001 (This is where my light shines brightest. I managed to secure an extra one one-thousandth of a point by assisting my principal's billy goat in suckling its young.)</p>
<p>Extracurricular activities:</p>
<p>Walked pet canine, Trousatheus, for 14 minutes in 38 degree weather
Crowned champion of county Blue Cheese eating contest, 6 years running
Over 14,000 hours of community service at local soup kitchen. (I was able to accrue such a staggering total by residing in the closet whilst still on the clock.)
Official Guinness world record holder for most clay pigeons shot in a 5 minute period while blindfolded and singing along to Lionel Richie's "All Night Long"</p>
<p>Well there you have it. I intend to apply to all of the Ivy League institutions, Stanford University, Duke University, and the ever-so-selective Hamburger University (though I will admit, this one is a reach). Thank you ever so much for your attentions.</p>