OK, they're in college - how involved are parents now?

<p>I didn't see anything for the first two years. I didn't want to. I read newspaper articles that my son had written and he sent me a research paper this past term in his junior year that I think he was proud of and it was sent to show me his progress. I was kind of blown away.</p>

<p>Nothing... DS would occasionally ask me in HS to look over his papers before he completed a final draft - check the mechanics. He was a terrific writer, so I had little feedback. Now, I hear from him just once every 2 weeks just to say "hi" and not much more.</p>

<p>I like reading the papers if they are about something that I can understand. So I ask to bcc me when they submit them (which usually happens 30 sec before the deadline at midnight...)</p>

<p>At least for one of my kids the papers are not just assignments to get out of the way, but rather something that occupies their mind. So I like to be "in the loop" (though often they are way over my head...).</p>

<p>the only thing I have ever done since grade school is quiz her on her spelling words and run to the store to get stuff for a project ( and that includes next day bake sales)
I did try and get her to let me got to Renn Fayre.</p>

<p>


Welcome to my world (won't you come on in...).</p>

<p>I lost all credibility when D was in 3rd grade and was reciting badly learnt history dates for a test. I was stressed as I had just relized there were no more milk and cereals for the net morning. I finally shouted out: "Go back in your room and write out twenty times that Caesar was assassinated in 52 Before Breakfast!" Gloops...</p>

<p>Helping with college schoolwork -- no. The issue has never arisen. I used to help in middle school and early high school, but by the end of high school, my involvement had diminished greatly because they didn't ask much anymore. Occasionally, I would be asked to quiz someone before a test, using their notes, or to discuss which of several paper topics would work best, or to proofread a paper, but in general, as the courses became more specialized and advanced, my usefulness diminished.</p>

<p>In college, I don't see how I could be of much help. My son is a computer science major. My daughter is an economics major. I majored in biology. Those are three very different academic worlds.</p>

<p>I have asked me son to allow me to read a college paper or two after he turned them in. They were papers on exceptionally interesting topics for a philosophy class. I also read a few of my daughter's college papers after she turned them in. She was looking for advice on which one might be most suitable to include as a writing sample with internship applications. And I did proofread and make suggestions on my son's personal statement for his graduate school applications, and I have helped my daughter write cover letters for internship applications. </p>

<p>But most of my parental involvement has been with the practicalities of dealing with life's other issues while at college. </p>

<p>I would get calls or e-mails (especially when each of them was a first-semester freshman), asking for suggestions about how to handle various practical problems ("The Health Center pharmacy doesn't carry Accutane. So how do I fill my prescription?"), academic issues ("I got an awfully high score on the Spanish placement test, and now they're going to make me take a Spanish course that is probably too hard for me. What can I do?"), and health issues (one of my kids once sent me an e-mail with a photograph of a cut and asked me whether it looked infected).</p>

<p>I also get requests for rides from my son, who goes to a college less than an hour away but has no car. ("I'm having problems with my laptop battery. Can you give me a ride to the Mac store this weekend?") and requests to ship things to my daughter, who goes to college seven hours away, also without a car, in a small town where shopping is difficult and time-consuming ("I want my hair straightener, which is at home. Can you send it to me?")</p>

<p>We also talk about academic issues (though not the work itself). I think I've had at least one discussion about course selections with each kid every semester. My kids have talked to me about the pros and cons of dropping certain courses. And I often hear about good grades. One of the nice things about parents is that it's perfectly appropriate for a college kid to brag to them. Other people might not respond well.</p>

<p>And of course, I get the complaints. About academic pressure. About noisy people in the dorm. About having to go to class when you don't feel well. About getting a terrible room for next year in the dorm lottery (this happened to both kids). About feeling depressed or stressed or lonely.</p>

<p>There can be a lot of communication and involvement between parents and college kids. I think there's more of it today than when we were in college because cell phones and e-mails make communication so easy. (We've even tried IM sometimes, but it doesn't come naturally to me.) I don't think it's inappropriate. But actually helping with schoolwork might be.</p>

<p>My mom friends with kids in college seem very involved still with their kids but not in terms of reading their assignments. They are always researching loans and internships, helping with housing arrangements, sending up care packages, flying in to get a hotel room where their kids can just crash for a weekend in a no-stress setting. When we have lunch, their cell phones seem to go off constantly - all with just small detail of life issues. Not sure what my style will be. I've been struck that when my D has been at scholarship weekends this past month, she texted me a great deal, sometimes over very mundane stuff. It was nice.</p>

<p>It's also nice when they communicate with you in ways that don't involve asking for something.</p>

<p>My daughter often sends me e-mails about good or interesting things that have happened to her on campus. Sometimes I even get pictures -- like one I got yesterday of her and a friend with a celebrity guest lecturer. I really like getting this kind of stuff. </p>

<p>My son, who seems to have gotten beyond the self-centeredness of adolescence, actually communicates with me about things that he knows are going on in my life. In fact, last week, when I got a new job that I very much wanted, he was the first person I told. I knew he would want to know the punchline to that story because we had talked about the topic several times.</p>

<p>I like still being a mom -- that is, helping my kids when they need it. But I would also like us to be able to relate to each other more adult-to-adult ways as well. Without stopping the mom stuff, I would like to nudge the relationships into something closer to what I have with my sister -- the kind of relationship where we both share good and bad news in our lives and talk about each person's issues and concerns, not just one person's. I can see this beginning to happen with my kids, and I'm pleased with that.</p>

<p>My son is also in college across the country and studying things I know nothing about (he's in aerospace engineering; my husband and I are architects), and since we didn't have a history of reviewing his hs work, there's no way we'd ever see any of his college work. We're lucky that he shared his first semester grades with us.</p>

<p>When he started as a freshman this past fall, I had access to his university Blackboard account (initially so that I could check in with the financial accounts). Eventually I found out that I could check his class schedule, grades, even comments from teachers. Big mistake. As soon as he realized that I was checking to see if his homework was being turned-in (something that was a possibility based on his hs attitude toward mundane work) (and my mistake for mentioning it to my younger son, as an example), he immediately changed his password. Now we know nothing, and it's for the better for both of us.</p>

<p>Now with my hs son (sophomore), we stopped reviewing his school work in about 5th grade. Just a different kid with a different attitude towards schoolwork: more ambition, more fear of authority, much more self-sufficient. Thank goodness. I like the attitude, " I graduated high school and got into a good college already; not interested in reliving that one".</p>

<p>S1 does not share anything much about college school work, although I would love it if he did let me read some papers. I feel lucky to even know what courses he has decided to take, although admit I couldn't recite his current schedule off the top of my head even though I know he told me at the beginning of the semester. </p>

<p>When he calls, it is to discuss things like basketball (March madness), his own sports activities, books he is reading for fun (just finished Hacker Cracker), his brother's misdeeds, etc. He took care of finding off campus housing for next year, his spring break trip, et al completely on his own. </p>

<p>The one thing I have helped with, however, is feedback on his resume. I get to read a lot of resumes for kids who want internships or first jobs and have kept a file of ones I particularly liked. I was helping a couple of his friends look for interships this summer and was able to give them feedback on how their resumes were received by various readers. (I did not share those resumes or comments with S1 as these kids are all basically in competition with each other at some level.)</p>

<p>Ironically, S1 wanted lots of handholding on school work in high school while his little brother won't let me near any of his homework (which reportedly is always done at school--haha).</p>

<p>My older son is at UM - I have not participated in his schoolwork at all. UM has a writing center that he can use to proof his papers, and they are going to know alot more about what they want than me. I do not participate in his scheduling - once again - they know their business. We talk about his classes and what he is doing and how its going - but thats it.</p>

<p>In HS, my guys were both very self motivated. I would proof papers but that was the extent of my involvement there. I never had to say "do your homework". They just werent that kind of kids.</p>

<p>Involved? Involved? Well, we write the checks, and we read the Dartmouth publications. We attend the parent visitation. </p>

<p>I guess we are at the end of the spectrum with Mr. Super-Independent, but I honestly cannot tell you what classes he is enrolled in this term.</p>

<p>I check son's online school account to make sure everything is paid at the beginning of each semester, and that his FA forms are in each year, remind him to have proof of enrollment sent for outside scholarships, and remind him to get exercise when he's not taking a PE class. He allows us to read graded papers if we are willing to read the materials he is discussing. Husband and I attend his recitals, bring cookies, and take he and a few friends out for dinner after. We have met his professors that attend his recitals. I book and pay for his plane tickets home and to summer festivals.</p>

<p>He calls when he has had a particularily good class, lesson, attended a great concert, or wants to gloat about his basketball picks. He also calls if he is ill and wants advice.</p>

<p>In his first two years of college I would check his grades and ask too many questions. Then we got a puppy so everyone is happier now.</p>

<p>heh, lurking student here...
I haven't let my mom see my school papers since 5th grade. She always ripped them to shreds (sometimes literally). If she showed a serious interest in seeing my college ones, I'd go into the witness protection program >.<</p>

<p>I hear from my daughter in some fashion every day. Often it's a silly text message or email. It's more because she knows that I need her than vice versa. We've had several deaths in the immediate family in the last two years, and some other things going on, so she doesn't want to pile on by disappearing from our lives. She is a good person. I do know what classes she's enrolled in this semester and I know that she's wild about economics and was worried about Brit Lit but has just received her first "A" on a paper in her entire life (she is a science girl). She chose her classes, handles them and her social life on her own, as well as her finances. She's made her summer arrangements as she sees fit and I think she's made a good choice. I'm not involved in the day-to-day details of her life and I don't make her decisions, but we do have a close relationship. My greatest fear when she left for college was that this person whom I adore wouldn't choose to have a relationship with me when she no longer "had" to. I am grateful and overjoyed that she chooses to.</p>

<p>DD sends her schedule to us. I can't even understand the class descriptions, let alone comment on the work. (No one would want to drive across a bridge I designed!)
I do comment on her resume and do back up for reservations and health-related issues, lend support with interpersonal conflicts, listen, listen, listen. </p>

<p>She is also to the point where she is interested in my projects and what her dad and I are doing.</p>

<p>DS1 often, but not always, will share essays and papers with me -- I was the only one who saw college essays until they were pretty much finalized, at which point he'd share them with DH. Some essays I didn't see until he was completely finished.</p>

<p>He's a great writer; he and I share a passion for editing, and so he and I will "talk shop" about stuff he has written (and he is always over my shoulder to see what I'm writing). As far as editing content -- not a chance.</p>

<p>DS2 hates to edit, so he fights and fights for that perfect first draft. I wish he would ask me for help when he gets stuck, just so I can teach him some strategies for brainstorming and outlining, but he is stubborn. However, when he "gets it," he shows me his stuff.</p>

<p>When they go to college -- I'd love to read what they write. After it's been submitted for a grade. On the rest of the helicoptering front, I probably will forward info on internships, jobs, interesting articles, etc. along, just because I've always done that for people in other areas of my life.</p>

<p>Both my kids talk to me a lot about what's going on in their lives -- and my hope is that we can figure out a way to do that once they leave, since most of these conversations usually take place in the car.</p>

<p>My son is still in high school, and he requests my editing help on papers. Since I can't comment about the content (literally I don't know nearly as much as he does about history, etc.), I help him only with the occasional typo, missed word or grammar problem. I am going to tell him that I expect him to use his college resources for editing papers. I'll be happy to read and comment on finished work if he wants. I agree that the people at his school will know way better than I do what makes a good paper.</p>

<p>I have a college degree, and in the description of his future college major there were words that sent me to the dictionary. I don't think I'll be of much help there, nor would I want to be.</p>

<p>Correcting papers? It's called CHEATING!!</p>