<p>My son #2 was moving into an apartment-style dorm. With my son's permission - he really didn't care - I spoke to one roommate's mom regarding the appliance split (don't really need 4 George Foreman grills in the apartment). Not stalking, not prying. Because he was in band the roommate went a week early. His mom called to give me some helpful info about move-in day. Pleasant conversation. I think that's the last time we spoke.</p>
<p>I think I'm missing what the big deal is.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>You and me both, mom2three. In my case, the other mom called me, but after move in day, however I wouldn't have given it a second thought had she called me earlier, other than that she was a very nice woman and more organized than I am. :)</p>
<p>Also, she was the one who brought a small gift for my son on move-in day, and again, my thought was, "how thoughtful". </p>
<p>It turned out her son was just as thoughtful, and he and my son are still friends two years later.</p>
<p>"My son #2 was moving into an apartment-style dorm. With my son's permission - he really didn't care - I spoke to one roommate's mom regarding the appliance split (don't really need 4 George Foreman grills in the apartment). Not stalking, not prying. Because he was in band the roommate went a week early. His mom called to give me some helpful info about move-in day. Pleasant conversation. I think that's the last time we spoke.</p>
<p>I think I'm missing what the big deal is."</p>
<p>I think that some parents and students think that the students are adults and should be the ones responsible for figuring out what appliances to bring, and how to welcome their roommates. </p>
<p>I'm in this camp. I think that going away to college is a rite of passage into adulthood, and the more responsibility parents let students take for this, the better. I would have felt like a baby if my mom had been contacting my roommate's parents or bringing a gift to my college roommate. I would have felt like my mom was acting like I was a much younger person who was going away to visit a friend.</p>
<p>If there's a concern about getting into contact with one's student in case of emergency, it's very easy to ask your student to give you contact info for the roommate or -- after the student gets friends -- the student's closest friend. One needn't do this by asking the roommate oneself.</p>
<p>Other parents, however, view it is being a part of parenting to welcome their kid's roommate and contact the roommate's parents. </p>
<p>What parents do reflects their own parenting styles and their kids' personalities, too.</p>
<p>As things ended up with younger S during his freshman year, he had little contact with either of his roommates. One basically lived at his girlfriend's apartment. The other was a big time partier, whom S avoided as much as he could. Just because people room together doesn't mean that they know each others' wherabouts. Meanwhile, S had sent me a copy of his schedule, including his weekend job and EC schedule, so if I needed to reach S in an emergency, I had a fairly good idea of how to do so.</p>
<p>I don't think that either of my sons bothered to contact their roommates before school started, but things worked out for both of them. He hadn't wanted a TV in his room, and was happy that his roommates didn't bring one. He brought a mini fridge, that got little use. He and a roommate each brought microwaves, and didn't worry about who used them. Each roommate decorated their own area. </p>
<p>This year, S will be in an on campus apartment with 3 friends, and they are figuring out on their own what to bring.</p>
<p>I would probably have a bit of a double standard in this situation. While I wouldn't email parents of roommates unless there were a pressing reason or an unusual circumstance, if a parent emailed or called me I'd be friendly and receptive. As for an actual gift bag (gift certificates etc), I'd worry that it had the potential for coming across as "showing up" the other family if, as is likely, they didn't think to do something similar. On the other hand, if D was on the receiving end, I wouldn't second guess a generous gesture and would think it was a lovely thought. I like the idea, as some have suggested, of a care package that can be shared with roommates/hallmates, either after parents have left or the following week. Bringing and sharing some homemade cookies or something like that, on move in day, IMO is completely fine.</p>
<p>
[quote]
I think I'm missing what the big deal is.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>The big deal is that we're talking about adults here and adults should be able to sort out all of the details of living together without mommy and daddy doing it for them. Of course parents should be involved in the process, but it should be a passive guidance role not an active "I want to call and sort out stuff for you" role. Have a nice chat with the parents when you move in, but there's really no need for the parents to be best buds and a lot of folks would certainly find it a bit strange if their kid's roommates parents wanted private details and called to sort stuff out... the roommates should do that themselves. </p>
<p>I've also seen parents that get in touch with professors and other school officials too throughout the year... that's generally not really good either and such interactions often end with the prof explaining to the parent that little johnny isn't in elementary school anymore and needs to take responsibility and sort things out himself. In fact, professors and school officials aren't even allowed to legally discuss any details about your child with you unless the child has signed a waiver.</p>
<p>Care packages are always a good idea. </p>
<p>A big part of the first year of college is learning to be independent and sort out problems yourself... best to start off on the right foot from the beginning.</p>
<p>Well, Northstarmom, I understand what you're saying. In my case, I think my son was fully aware that I wanted contact with his roomie's Mom for MY peace of mind, not because I thought he was incapable of handling anything. So it was his gift to me to let me have this crutch as I was letting go of him.</p>
<p>Bethie--you have a great relationship with your S, and again, this may be a boy vs girl thing, but I think the issue is not so much what your own kid thinks, but rather will your kid get judged as being a little odd/immature if mom wants contact, by room/dorm mates. And, I think that's much more likely to happen with girls, who, judging by stories from both my D and S, are more likely to judge, while guys have more of a "whatever" mode going on. (Vast generalizations--but I think often though not by any means always true.)</p>
<p>I'd be polite if my daughter's roommate's mom contacted me in such a situation. But inwardly, my reaction would be, "What, are we arranging playdates for kindergarten kids here?!" </p>
<p>I do understand the urge. With my own D still a year away from college, I can already feel the tendency to meddle and guide and smooth the way rising up in me. But I am trying hard to squelch it!</p>
<p>"I'd be polite if my daughter's roommate's mom contacted me in such a situation. But inwardly, my reaction would be, "What, are we arranging playdates for kindergarten kids here?!" "</p>
<p>I'm with you. After the call, I'd probably call my S and ask exactly how mature his roommate was.</p>
<p>I don't think this is a difference between moms of sons and moms of daughters. I am a woman, and would have cringed if my mom had been in contact with my roommates' parents while I was in college. I did not obtain phone numbers of call/e-mail my sons' college roommates' parents.</p>
<p>The closest that I came to doing this was giving my e-mail to a parent whom I met during younger S's orientation last year. I was trying to be kind to the parent -- who appeared not to be college educated -- and had some general concerns about college. It ended up that her son became my S's roommate. Her S had been assigned to a single, but -- I think at his mom's behest-- he asked to be moved so he could have a roommate. My son happened to have space in his room, and I am guessing that his mom asked that her S be moved into my S's room.</p>
<p>It ended up that her S-- who seemed to be such a mama's boy that he slept at his mother's hotel room during all of orientation-- was a big time slob (would leave piles of sweaty clothes for weeks in the middle of the floor, and left rotting food in the room) and also was a partier who'd bring girls to the room to have sex with in the middle of the night while my S was there attempting to sleep. The boy also did things like lose his room key, but never bothered to get it replaced, so their door was always unlocked. My S said that was so low on the list of problems with the roommate that S preferred to always carry around his valuables instead of trying to get his roommate to get another key. My S --who is one of the most laid back people I know -- handled his roommate problems by using his room only as a place to sleep.</p>
<p>Anyway, I am so glad that the roommate's mother never contacted me to check up on her S or to maintain any contact at all.</p>
<p>OK, I have two in college, and one who'll be a high school senior this year. The "these are adults!" comments crack me up. Adults pay their own bills, buy their own appliances, car insurance, cars, etc., etc.
I agree that going to college is part of the passage to adulthood (at least I certainly hope so).
My oldest son has moved three times. I have not been involved. Oh, wait! I had to sign the rent guarantee for my "adult" son. I know exactly which items we have spares of to furnish apartments for the first time. I assume that most moms are more familiar with the contents of their attics than their 18 year old sons.
Again, I have three sons. Getting two off to college each summer while preparing for another school year myself requires that I cut to the chase sometimes. If one quick conversation with the parent of another 18 year old means that I'm stunting the growth of my child, so be it.</p>
<p>"OK, I have two in college, and one who'll be a high school senior this year. The "these are adults!" comments crack me up. Adults pay their own bills, buy their own appliances, car insurance, cars, etc., etc. :</p>
<p>Actually, there are a lot of adults including middle aged ones who live at home and are supported completely by their parents.</p>
<p>My way of helping my adult sons transition into independence is to treat them the way I was treated in college. They pay for their expenses such as books, clothing, and entertainment. They use the money that they earn during the school year and summers. </p>
<p>Neither had cars while in college, but if they did, they would have to buy them and pay the insurance. (And when I taught college, I had students who had done exactly that).</p>
<p>They are on our family plan for cell phones. Older S, who started working early in h.s., bought his own laptop. We gave younger S -- who was not able to start working until later because his skills weren't as marketable as were his brother's-- a laptop as his going away to college present, but he is the one responsible for paying to maintain it when it breaks.</p>
<p>We provide S with his transportation to and from school. His freshmen year, he chose to come home only for Christmas, Thanksgiving, and at the end of the school year. We offered to pay for trips home on three-day weekends, but even though most of his friends were leaving town, he declined our offer, saying the expense wasn't worth it.</p>
<p>
[quote]
"What, are we arranging playdates for kindergarten kids here?!" "
[/quote]
And what if the call was "your child is being loaded into an ambulance, as is the RA, and the health center is not open today. Is there anything that we need to tell the people at the emergency room?"</p>
<p>I guess my feeling is that someone outside the chain of administration should have the contact number of a family member in the event of an emergency because they do happen. Not even necessarily the roommate, but someone. I wouldn't even need to their numbers because the point wouldn't be for me to call them but for them to call me in an emergency.</p>
<p>Why, though, would the parents need to contact the other parents to get the emergency information? I can fully understand why it could be helpful to have contact info for roommates' parents as back-up. Seems, though, that one's student could obtain that info and pass it along to their own parents. I don't see any reason for college students' parents to be involved in asking their kids' roommates parents for contact info.</p>
<p>If one's student had graduated from college and was working a job away from home would one contact the kid's roommate's parents to get contact info? I doubt it. Yet, there are even fewer fallbacks (i.e. no RAs, no deans of students) for adults living on their own than there are for college students.</p>
<p>
[quote]
Why, though, would the parents need to contact the other parents to get the emergency information?
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Some confusion. That's not what I meant. The parents shouldn't contact the other parents, but it would be good if the roommates each had the other parents' contact number for an emergency.</p>
<p>Oh, I fully agree, and I appreciate that this subject has come up because I'd never thought before about how important having that contact info could be.</p>
<p>"My son #2 was moving into an apartment-style dorm. With my son's permission - he really didn't care - I spoke to one roommate's mom regarding the appliance split (don't really need 4 George Foreman grills in the apartment). Not stalking, not prying. Because he was in band the roommate went a week early. His mom called to give me some helpful info about move-in day. Pleasant conversation. I think that's the last time we spoke.</p>
<p>I think I'm missing what the big deal is."</p>
<p>I think the big deal is that the boys (young men) should have been able to ask ech other about the appliances. If it doesn't bother your son, fine, but I I think a lot of college age kids would find that very annoying. My daughter (just now entering her senior year of high school) would be very annoyed if I did that, and would be perfectly capable of emailing the others to work that stuff out.</p>
<p>The R.A., campus security, etc., should have access to everyone's emergency contact information. A roommate's parents really aren't the appropriate emergency contact.</p>
<p>
[quote]
The R.A., campus security
[/quote]
Well in the instance to which I was referring, the RA was one of the people taken to the hospital, the security people were overwhelmed with more than 20 people (including professors) being transported to the hospital, and the health center was not open. Perfect storm of a freak situation.</p>
<p>I think you're right, garland, about the boy thing--at least my boy. He's pretty "whatever" about most things and we indulge each other's wishes quite freely. My friends who have girls are dealing with all kinds of issues and often a lot of drama that I have happily avoided--though I would have been very happy to have a daughter too.</p>
<p>"I guess my feeling is that someone outside the chain of administration should have the contact number of a family member in the event of an emergency because they do happen. Not even necessarily the roommate, but someone. I wouldn't even need to their numbers because the point wouldn't be for me to call them but for them to call me in an emergency."</p>
<p>Exactly. I would imagine the kid would feel like a stooge if something happened to his roommate and he was all, "Well, I couldn't call the parents and let them know he was taken to the hospital since I didn't know their cell phone number." It just seems a prudent safety measure. It's contact information, not creating new BFF's.</p>