On a downward spiral... how to avoid the crash at the end?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I'm currently a junior in high school. This year is supposedly the most important year of my high school career, yet it has been the toughest by far. For various reasons, my family has recently stopped receiving a regular flow of income because my dad technically doesn't have a job anymore, and my mother's always been unemployed. Second, I transferred high schools to an ultra-competitive small private school that's halfway around the world from where my parents and many of my childhood friends are, and found out recently that I'll be moving again to a different state for next year (my senior year). Since I'm no longer living with immediate family, I have to put up with my aunt and uncle working long hours during the day, so the house is empty most of the time. On top of everything, my aunt shares some very different opinions from those of my parents, and she's also an extremely opinionated person. Most of the time I don't see her around very often, but many times when we do, we're often fighting or bickering over insignificant things. For example, she had the temerity to go around telling people I had social problems, when all I wanted was just to study and do homework quietly upstairs in my room. Apparently she thinks this "isn't normal" because both her sons, my cousins, used to do their homework downstairs in the kitchen all the time when they were in high school. Obviously, people are different and each require different circumstances to work productively, but for some reason she can't seem to accept that. </p>

<p>All these family circumstances, coupled with the competitiveness of my current school, have seen my grades and physical/mental state of being suffer greatly. I consider myself VERY fortunate to still have maintained decent grades despite all of this (nothing below a B, although noticeably more B's than usual). But what I'm concerned about most is that I'm currently on a downward spiral, headed towards an inevitable crash at the bottom. In the past couple of days, I suffered some very painful migraines, and when I weighed myself on the bathroom scale this morning, I found that I had lost 5 pounds from the last time I weighed myself (which was only a month ago). I think this is sort of an end result of all the above factors I stated. </p>

<p>I can't talk to my aunt about any of this since our relationship at this point is so strained. My own parents are thousands of miles away from me and often are unable to talk due to the differences in time, and also have their own worries due to our very tight financial situation. Now as senior year approaches, I have to worry about applying to colleges, and I'm concerned that the slight grade dip during what is supposed to be the most important year will put me out of the running altogether. I could try to explain my situation, but I doubt it would be taken seriously because I know college admissions offices receive many complaints of this kind year after year.</p>

<p>My apologies in advance for writing so much. I'm just feeling so much stress and even depression that I don't know how much longer I'll be able to last. I literally feel as though I'm wasting away... thoughts or advice, anyone? I'd REALLY appreciate your help.</p>

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<p>Do you have a counselor at school with whom you could speak? </p>

<p>You have lots of reasons to be stressed and depressed, and I’m really sorry you’re having to cope with this, especially so far from your family.</p>

<p>Sometimes when things seem overwhelming it can be helpful to just focus on today. Perhaps tell yourself that you will think through the longer term issues after school gets out this year – for the reality is that you can’t do much of anything to change any of it now.</p>

<p>But you do have today. Setting all the rest aside. what can you do today to be as well prepared as you can be for tomorrow morning. Just that. One day at a time. Focus on what you can directly control: what you do with today – how you eat, getting some exercise or at least a short walk outside, focusing on your schoolwork. Remember – what happened in the past is in the past; it is what it is. But today is yours. </p>

<p>Sending good thoughts…</p>

3

<p>Fledgling: What arabrab said. You certainly have a lot to feel stressed over, though college shouldn’t be one of them. Is there someone at school or elsewhere that you feel you can confide in? </p>

<p>Some B’s at a competitive school aren’t going to kill your chances to go to college. I would suggest you make an appointment with the college counselor at your school and get a sense of what he/she thinks are your options. I think you will find that you have lots of great ones.</p>

4

<p>A few quick thoughts:

  • Is there a counselor at your school you can talk to? This seems like it would be a good place to start.
  • A “crash” is not inevitable. It sounds like you are doing very well keeping things together.
  • Would it be possible for you to transfer to a different school so that you can move back with your parents? It seems like this would eliminate several sources of stress for you and also eliminate the cost of private school, given your parents’ financial situation. (Maybe I missed something here?)
  • It sounds like you’re doing very well academically under the circumstances. You, your school guidance counselor, and teachers writing recommendations can all definitely mention the additional challenges you have had on college apps.
  • Try not to stress out too much. All of us just have to do the best we can with what we’re given. There are plenty of people who have ideal circumstances but still don’t get into their top “dream” school. It’s not the end of the world. I’m sure you will have some good choices of colleges and I’m sure you can do well wherever you go.
  • Go talk to a counselor and also make an appointment to see a doctor. Your physical and mental well-being are most important.
    Take care.</p>
5

<p>You’re a high school junior? You write really well.</p>

<p>I agree with arabrab. Focus on your school work. Really concentrate on your studies. At this point it can be a distraction, something in your life that is working when so many other things are not. If you can get through one more year with good grades and then get into college you can move into a dorm and put all of this craziness behind you. That’s the light at the end of your tunnel.</p>

<p>As far as you Aunt goes, ignore the barbs. Just let it roll off your back, it’s just stupid things that she is complaining about, just ignore the insults. In a year you can move out.</p>

<p>I think you should go ahead and tell the college adcoms what is going on. I think they’ll believe you and I think it will look good that you kept up your grades in the face of all the adversity.</p>

<p>I also think you should see a school counselor. Everything might get worse before it gets better and you might need someone who is familiar with the situation to help you think through problems that come up.</p>

6

<p>fledgling, Sorry you’re going through this, it sounds tough. I agree with Pea, you write well. Also agree with arabrab, take it one day at a time. Don’t compound your stress by taking on more worries. Don’t borrow trouble! You had a tough year academically, but you came out of it with good grades – because of your hard work, by the way, not because you’re ‘fortunate’. This is really impressive, given that you were separated from your parents and your aunt sounds less than supportive. There are many very good college choices available to you with that kind of track record.</p>

<p>Go outside in the sunshine, take a walk in the park, or even around the block. Get out of your room and out of your head for a little while. </p>

<p>And reach out to people at your school,–teachers, counselors, other students, so you don’t feel so alone.</p>

7

<p>Thanks to everyone for all the kind words so far! I’ll definitely try and see if I can get in touch with the school counselor – I typed the first post right before my last class, so I was in a rush and worried that it might turn out incomprehensible because I had so much going through my mind, but apparently that wasn’t the case. :stuck_out_tongue: In any case, I’ve got her phone number, and I plan to talk to her sometime over the weekend.</p>

8

<p>I hope you are communicating to your parents. You need your aunt to give you some space – if they ask for it, it might happen. </p>

<p>Your aunt may be worried (or that may be one component). Be mature enough to reassure her that 1) you are not doing drugs, sex, alcohol or other naughty things in your room and 2) your computer time in your room is for education and some other learning but there’s no porn or wrong doing happening (make this be true!). </p>

<p>Also, you can tell your aunt that you are truly sorry that the two of you see things so differently and offer to go to counseling or mediation training with her. This may not change her viewpoints, but she may respect that you are trying to improve things. </p>

<p>Please know that at ages 13 -19, teens often respond with the “reptilian” section of the brain – this is, when some one prods at you, you may instantly “strike back” with words that can come across as arrogant and disrespectful. (The classic teen “mouth”). Alas, some folks (your aunt??) get an adrenaline charge out of poking snakes and watching the immediate lunge. It can be entertaining and exciting. IF you think some of this is going on (you are minding your own business and she comes up and starts a row), then you need to work on not being prodded. </p>

<p>So, when aunt starts in, you can be ready. You can politely excuse your self to the bathroom (Take a book!) or politely ask if she would like you to vaccum (she can’t talk to you over that noise) or politely say that you’ve forgotten something and take yourself elsewhere. </p>

<p>In short, you will be re-training her. No longer can she poke at you and get her adrenaline levels up by pushing your buttons. Amy Sutherland has a book out on using animal training techniques on family members (something like “what I learned from Shamu”). </p>

<p>In my growing up, this was called “Death by Sugar”. When someone wanted to pick a fight, you responded by being incredibly sweet. It takes awhile to get good at this, but it can be diabolical fun. More importantly, it can help save your sanity. Instead of being harassed, you find that you do have some tools and can shape the situation. </p>

<p>Good luck.</p>