<p>when I was working for a mental health center, we had to take turns with the overnight “on call” screenings of phone calls, many of which were just from lonely people with poor impulse control and some variation of mental disorders who were NOT having an emergency.<br>
One technique we found effective to reduce those 3am ramble phone calls…with patients who were overly anxious and had poor boundaries was to CALL THEM say…at an agreed time (we would keep our promise)…like 11pm and then guess what, they didn’t call us at 2am or at inopportune hours. </p>
<p>Now, putting newly bereaved, separating parents into the category of anxiety ridden people who aren’t sure what the boundaries are…at least this is how we set things up with our son, and I told him he could likely “exert control” over contact “by taking the lead himself” and setting up expectations and a routine. He chose a time he would tell us to expect a call. It was pretty much the same time once a week..give or take some changing circumstances. He called us. This pretty much took care of our urges to text, email, monitor or call him a lot to get the blow by blow. </p>
<p>We fell into a nice once a week chat where he would make an effort at summarizing the issues of the week.<br>
this worked for us..but I have stated many times…that today communications are so different in every family that there is no “normal” amount or rules for boundaries. Some families happily have contact often with their college kids and texting, IM-ing and such are all normal contact and quite frequent.</p>
<p>Our family did better with son number one with the once a week routine. This pattern allowed us the courtesy, manners and structure that was right for his personality and our need to stay a part of things.</p>
<p>I programmed into my phone the following text message:
“Please call when you can.”
Worked beautifully. It does not inappropriately interrupt the student, and it it is respectful. DS often called immediately, because he was free. Otherwise, I usually heard from him within a few hours. </p>
<p>Also have programmed “Please call: important.” which I have used only a couple of times in 2 years.</p>
<p>If you plan to go to Parents/Family weekend and haven’t made your hotel reservations, do it NOW! Same with travel home for Thanksgiving if they are flying; as soon as you know the earliest they can leave campus (after their last class), make reservations. Fall breaks and Christmas are a bit easier because not everyone is trying to reach a destination within the same two days.</p>
<p>Don’t bother with texting or IMing unless you already do it or discuss with your child. Have spent 2 years with success by sending emails (this also works when son is upstairs at home for the summer- better than trying to talk to him)- they can be read and answered at convenient times, and there is no excuse for not getting a message/information. If emails with important questions (such as- when am I expected to be there to transport you home tomorrow?) are ignored go to voice mail. It is helpful to have a copy of the class schedule to know when to try to call/not call. Also helpful to learn important dates in the school’s calendar so you don’t bother them during exam times or campus events. Don’t expect your child to bother to tell you these things, look them up on their college’s website.</p>
<p>Unless you have a child with a history of something like major mental health problems, assume that if you don’t hear from your child for a while, things are going wonderfully or it’s exam period (remember there are midterms as well as finals), and your kid is burning their candle at both ends.</p>
<p>My experience as a student and parent has been that many students contact their parents frequently only when the students are unhappy or lonely. When the students are active with academics, ECs, new friends, etc., parents don’t hear from their students that much.</p>
<p>Please do not lay guilt trips on your students for not contacting you that frequently or not immediately returning nonemergency phone calls. My mom did that and I felt resentful. </p>
<p>Before your student leaves for college, it would be good if the two of you come up with a mutually agreeable minimum for communication.</p>
<p>Please, please, please fill the void in your life with some fun activities that you’ve been putting off while child rearing. That way, you’ll also have something upbeat to share with your kid, too, which will add to both of your pleasure in the communication.</p>
<p>I noticed that S only calls when we have a joint project (like when he was designing my website) or if he needs advice that I am uniquely positioned to give him (some legal or financial advice). For the rest, he generally has been happily independent. </p>
<p>S & D do like IMing, but I am not suer whether that S just lies to IM to his sister or he would IM us as well. I guess we’ll need to figure that out, since she will be leaving us to join him in LA, thousands of miles from us. They’ll both be attending the same U, which may be convenient when we can get to LA.</p>
<p>Getting involved in a very absorbing start-up non-profit has kept me very busy and made my kids a bit curious about what I’m doing (to them I’ve become a more interesting person, I guess). It’s been fun and gratifying.</p>
<p>We help suggest resources to our kids & try to have them do the legwork instead of readily rescuing them from situations they find themselves in. Have not had to use the 24-hour rule as our kids tend to work things out & then mention them after-the-fact.</p>
<p>In the next year, at various times, your child will be: snotty, excited, distant, needy, joyful, depressed, uncertain, happy, overwhelmed, funny, pouty… you get my drift. This year will be a whirlwind of emotion for your child… and you’re likely to get drawn into the vortex. </p>
<p>katliamom…so true. Most of my friends got the “distress” phone calls which are very unsettling as parents…since of course it is impossible to see that they are actually having a blast and only calling you with the worrisome stuff. We were lucky though..our son used his new brilliant peers for 99% of his needs re advice..which is actually a good thing. </p>
<p>However, speaking of snotty. Our son was one of the lucky “immediately happy” at college people…which is all good right? However, I was really miffed/ticked off when he never acknowledged a big “care” package I mailed him with goodies, food etc, stuff. How dumb is it when you as a parent are “pouting” because your child has moved on? I didn’t send any more packages like that one. Instead, I rejoice that when an Aunt sent brownies several times (which he didn’t eat or want and simply left in the hall for others), he DID write a thank you email every time. Apparently, we did our job in terms of teaching common manners.</p>
<p>lol Faline2, I had the same experience with my D and now let granma send care packages, since SHE gets thank you notes. It sort of proves my theory that children often reserve their worst behavior for their parents.</p>
<p>Faline2, katliamom, I had the same experience with S1. Didn’t send him another care package for the rest of that school year. When he complained over the summer that other kids got more care packages than he did, I reminded him that it was his lack of gratitude that was the reason. He’s better now at thanking us for care packages, altho it may be several days after he receives them before we get an email or call.</p>
<p>^Our D wants those care packages. They are junk and very expensive, but we still send them to cheer her up during exam week. I like to decorate the card in addition to printed peictures. She likes it.</p>
<p>S loved the care packages, but it cost a fortune to send them. In Sept. we sent down some Cortland apples (S favorite) after our first apple picking without him. I think it cost almost $10.00 to mail them. He said they didn’t last long. Probably could have bought them for less than $10.00! This year he is off campus, so I told him don’t expect those care packages!
We also made travel plans for breaks as soon as possible. Already have Thanksgiving tickets, but he will drive home at Christmas.</p>
<p>pob: I second both yours and add that you should be a cosigner on their account so that if there are any problems that they can’t resolve/don’t have time to resolve/are studying abroad, etc. you can try and solve on your end. While I don’t make a practice of this, there have been emergency situations where my D just couldn’t do it and it was nice to just be able to take care of it.</p>
<p>Ditto on making the travel plans early. As a former travel agent, I cannot stress enough how difficult the Thanksgiving holiday is to book. Being that the other breaks and holidays are scattered in dates, they are easier. Keep in mind that 15+ million people are all trying to fly on Wednesday (the day before Thanksgiving) and return on the following Sunday (4 days later). I honestly had people ask me why the airlines couldn’t put more aircraft on for that weekend to accomodate everyone!!! So, if you can book for either a couple of days before that Wednesday or have your student travel on Thanksgiving day and return on Saturday or after the Monday following Thanksgiving, you will have much greater success. Keep in mind also that “blackout dates” are set a year or more in advance and it doesn’t matter how early you book, if you you are picking the same dates as everyone else, you probably will be paying a premium.</p>