UC Personal Statement #1

College Essays
1

<p>Hi, I was wondering if anyone can make comment of my rough draft of personal statement
question-describe the world you come from-family, community, or school-and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspiration</p>

<p>here's mine:</p>

<p>When I was a kid, my grandpa would take me to his garden, show me his prideful vegetables, and told me “Life is but a play, play healthy and well, my dearest,” and then he would gave me a treat. I never truly understood why he would tell me this while we are looking at vegetables, not until high school.
As an honor and AP student in my school. I received good grades and participated not only in sports and clubs. Thus, I tried my best to keep up with my classes and do well; however lately, I am not doing so well. My GPA was lower and I was not accepted to the NHS at my school. Not only this, but I also missed my opportunity to go to Junior Olympics for swim because of my poor health from school. When I received such news, I was shocked. How can I compete against my peers now since my grades are no longer “great” and I can’t participate in my sport? My future is gone now, I thought. Then, I would lock myself in my room, crying and complaining about the education system, opportunities, and life on a daily basis. In despair, I thought to relieve myself of such negativity by cleaning my room and there, I found an old album of my childhood. It contained pictures of me and my grandpa in the garden, holding the freshly-picked vegetables with sparkles in our eyes. I chuckled and as I flipped through more photos, then I realized my grandpa’s unfading smile; they are always the same in every picture. I looked at him, then at myself. There, I suddenly realized the meaning behind his pun.<br>
His smile never changed throughout the years, but mine did; I have changed completely. I am not longer the girl with sparkles in her eyes, full of joy, full of optimism. I have lost my way towards my goal because of my grades, but in reality, I didn’t…I still have people who loved me and supported me and my interest in art and sports. I thought “scores” were everything I got; I completely forgot I still have my passion in art and sport. I complained, but my grandfather kept on smiling. It is his smile that made me realized I was a fool to surround myself with pessimism and lose my goal for months just because my grades went down. If I lose my way now, how will I face myself again to my future? If I only reached out only, how will I know the value inside of me?
Growing backyard vegetables is not something special, but it is my grandpa’s attitude that made it rewarding enough to be shared with his grandchild. Even though my grades might not be as good as it once was, I have my experiences and my goal to keep me going. Even if my life becomes full of sweat and tears, I will carry on with my smile on my face, just like my grandpa.</p>

<p>PLEASE TELL ME HOW I DO! THANK YOU VERY MUCH!</p>

2

<p>Here are my suggestions:</p>

<p>How about writing this in the present tense so readers feel like they are actually going through this with you, kind of like watching a movie? And write and take them through all the fines details of that day in your room so they feel they are there with you. Also, always start with an attention-grabbing sentence. </p>

<p>I took the liberty of changing the order of your sentences and changing some of them to the present tense. How about begin your revision this way?:</p>

<p>My future is gone. How can I compete against my peers now since my grades are no longer “great” and I can’t participate in my sport? </p>

<p>I lock myself in my room, crying and complaining about the education system, opportunities, and life on a daily basis. In despair, I relieve myself of such negativity by cleaning my room and there, I find an old album of my childhood. It contains pictures of me and my grandpa in the garden, holding the freshly-picked vegetables with sparkles in our eyes. I chuckle and as I flip through more photos. </p>

<p>When I was a kid, my grandpa would take me to his garden, show me his prideful vegetables, and told me “Life is but a play, play healthy and well, my dearest,” and then he would gave me a treat. I never truly understood why he would tell me this while we are looking at vegetables. I realized my grandpa’s unfading smile; they are always the same in every picture. I look at him, then at myself. There, I suddenly realized the meaning behind his pun….</p>

<p>Hope this helps. Best of luck!</p>

3

<ul>
<li>did you edit this?? </li>
<li>it feels like your grandpa is the main character </li>
<li>i thought your argument was kinda weak kinda shallow</li>
</ul>

4

<p>No I haven’t edit yet, I’m waiting for a few more responses, then I will edit it and repost on this discussion thread
Thanks for the comment, anyway, it helps me grasp my direction </p>

5

<p>I feel like you need to add more details and elaborate more in the first paragraph. The whole “story” thing seems to be moving way too fast. </p>

<p>Take it a little slower and add depth into it. Sorry I can’t give any specific advice but try to make your grandpa more direct in your story? Explain further on why he is the reason that pushes you to keep moving forward, not just his smile. I think that’s where you’re trying to get at.</p>

<p>Personally, I feel that the first personal statement is more important than the second, so try writing more stuff to this one.</p>

<p>Good luck!! May I ask what schools were you planning on applying to?</p>

6

<p>I’m applying to UCI, UCLA, UCR, and UCSD. so are you saying to take more in depth right? Would me switching the order of the paragraphs help that too??</p>