overcoming shyness

Parent Cafe
21

<p>It's true that cultures view shyness differently.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, the overall US culture highly values assertiveness and gregariousness. A person who is capable, kind, intelligent and shy is likely to get overlooked for many opportunities, particularly those in which leadership is important. Instead, the opportunities will go to those who are more outgoing even if their skills aren't as strong as are the shy person.</p>

<p>The shy val described in the previous post is likely in the US to have less success in terms of career advancement and possibly even academic advancement (when it comes to things like getting into top colleges and graduate programs) than students with lower grades who are more assertive and gregarious. </p>

<p>There are some subcultures in the US that seem to value thoughtfulness, quietness, excellent listening skills more than gregariousnessl (Native American cultures are one example), but those aren't the cultures that have most of the power in the US.</p>

<p>In some other countries, however, the gregariousness and assertiveness so valued in the US can be viewed as immodesty and boorishness, and people who are quieter would be given more respect and responsibilities.</p>

22

<p>i'm very shy, except around friends. you don't have any problem around friends, do you? because friends could hardly care if you say something stupid, or wrong.</p>

<p>i totally understand your attitude because i have the same one. i hate talking to new people because they're intimidating and i might say stupid and boring things.</p>

<p>but i force myself to talk to people. like right now, i'm running for class vp, even though i'm probably a pretty big loser, and have very little chance of winning. but it makes me go up to talk to people, and i think it's helping.</p>

<p>so i would suggest you do the same. talking to people leads to acquaintences which leads to friends.</p>

23

<p>Tako,
Congratulations on having the guts to run for office. Even if you don't win the election, you won't be "a big loser." By having your name in front of so many people, you're bringing positive attention to yourself, and as a result some doors will open for you. Some teachers/administrators may nominate you for scholarships or other activities. You'll make some new friends. As you've rightly pointed out, you will have strengthened your social skills because of the various people whom you've had to interact with. You also will have learned a ton about getting along with people and about the elections process -- things that will pay off even after you leave high school.</p>

<p>I wish that I had had your kind of courage when I was young!</p>

24

<p>omg this thread was like perfect revision for my psych final ^_^</p>

25

<ol>
<li><p>The best method to start small talk and overcome nervousness (at a job interview for instance) is a tip from my father: ask someone for advice about something. </p></li>
<li><p>My FIL was so shy as a child that his family had to start his younger sister in kindergarten a year early. He wouldn't stay unless she stayed with him. He later became a Fortune 500 CEO and a mentor to some very well known Fortune 200 CEO's.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Shyness can be overcome--though I also believe it is a personality trait. I say that as a natrually gregarious and assertive person. In fact, it is a documented genetic trait of some Pacific tribes.</p>

26

<p>
[quote]
allmusic writes: Actually, with all due respect Northstarmom, most researchers or psychologists who specialize in or study shyness, would disagree with you about pushing kids out of their comfort zone. Jerome Kagan, for example, would recommend creating safe social situations, not ones that caused a child great anxiety. Jerome Kagan, for example, would recommend creating safe social situations, not ones that caused a child great anxiety.

[/quote]
This is just made up. In fact most research shows that the best way to make sure an anxious or shy child stays that way is to rush in and "protect" them from any distress. And Kagan doesn't say "create safe social situations", Kagan says let the kids figure out how to handle the real world.</p>

<p>As an article in Psychology Today says
[quote]
In his now-famous studies of how children's temperaments play out, Harvard psychologist Jerome Kagan has shown unequivocally that what creates anxious children is parents hovering and protecting them from stressful experiences. About 20 percent of babies are born with a high-strung temperament. They can be spotted even in the womb; they have fast heartbeats. Their nervous systems are innately programmed to be overexcitable in response to stimulation, constantly sending out false alarms about what is dangerous.</p>

<p>As infants and children this group experiences stress in situations most kids find unthreatening, and they may go through childhood and even adulthood fearful of unfamiliar people and events, withdrawn and shy. At school age they become cautious, quiet and introverted. Left to their own devices they grow up shrinking from social encounters. They lack confidence around others. They're easily influenced by others. They are sitting ducks for bullies. And they are on the path to depression.</p>

<p>While their innate reactivity seems to destine all these children for later anxiety disorders, things didn't turn out that way. Between a touchy temperament in infancy and persistence of anxiety stand two highly significant things: parents. Kagan found to his surprise that the development of anxiety was scarcely inevitable despite apparent genetic programming. At age 2, none of the overexcitable infants wound up fearful if their parents backed off from hovering and allowed the children to find some comfortable level of accommodation to the world on their own. Those parents who overprotected their children—directly observed by conducting interviews in the home—brought out the worst in them.</p>

<p>A small percentage of children seem almost invulnerable to anxiety from the start. But the overwhelming majority of kids are somewhere in between. For them, overparenting can program the nervous system to create lifelong vulnerability to anxiety and depression.</p>

<p>There is in these studies a lesson for all parents. Those who allow their kids to find a way to deal with life's day-to-day stresses by themselves are helping them develop resilience and coping strategies.

[/quote]
Sure doesn't sound like "create safe social situations" to me ...</p>

27

<p>Thanks for everyone's comments and advice! I guess I am going through a period of a lot of self-questioning and such, and I really want to get this sense of nervousness or shyness out of the way so I can do more things.</p>

28

<p>Firax, Northstarmom's advice is terrific. There indeed are self-help books out there, as well as counselors and therapists, to help teach social skills. Making eye contact, standing straight, talking about something in your shared experience with someone, not jump-starting a conversation with a question--these are all things than can be learned and that not everyone is born knowing. If you have someone willing to help, a parent perhaps, then reading the self-help books together and then role-playing will be immensely helpful.</p>

<p>And here's the advice I gave my own daughter when she went on a group thing some years ago where she didn't know anybody--most people want to be friendly and make friends. If the first person you go up to is not receptive to you, then you have, unluckily, come upon one of the few people who, for whatever reason, doesn't want to make friends. It's their issue, not yours, so just go up to someone else.</p>

<p>Realizing that you need to learn certain social skills is the hardest part. All the rest can be learned. Good luck!</p>

29

<p>This may or may not apply to the OP, but I'm just adding by way of information: Some people have crippling shyness and anxiety in social situations that do not respond well to the kinds of interventions described above. They have what is called "social axiety disorder", and it can have a profoundly inhibiting effect on their life. For such people, there are medications (such as Paxil) which can greatly reduce these feelings and allows such individuals to participate in and enjoy new social interactions that they would have previously totally avoided or suffered through. If one were considering exploring this possibility, a consultation with a psychiatrist would be necessary. (and let me repeat, I am not making a judgement as to whether this applies to the original poster).</p>

30

<p>I admit to being shy when younger. Now, I am not so shy when dealing with individuals, but still kind of hang back in big groups.</p>

<p>I found my shyness made me very self-centered--it's all about me--I'M uncomfortable, etc. When I went into social situations with the mindset of "Is there anyone here who isn't participating and what can I do to help them feel more comfortable?", I forgot to be shy. Thinking outside myself and thinking of others really helped me...and I hope it really helped all of those "others" who may have been less shy than me if they could only have seen inside my soul.</p>

31

<p>"I found my shyness made me very self-centered--it's all about me--I'M uncomfortable, etc."</p>

<p>I think that's part of why I didn't like being shy. What finally cured me was being PTA president. I had a role and I knew how to play it. It was easy and a part of my job to introduce myself to every new face I saw. Ever since I've realized that I still have a role - even if it's only as a neighor, or another parent. Most people are just waiting for an opening. It's not that hard to give it to them. Practice really does help.</p>

32

<p>

I completely agree. I've found that I act like a completely different person when I'm working on the school newspaper--because then I know that I'm useful and competent and that I have a reason to be confident and outgoing. Actively organizing something and working towards something concrete makes it a million times easier to approach people and talk to them. I'm still working on not being shy outside of that, and it's hard, but my experience from working on the newspaper has helped a lot.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, I think my shyness was the main reason that I wasn't elected editor-in-chief when I ran. I was more qualified than the person who won, but he was more popular and a better speaker (national-level debater). I did get photo editor and news and features editor, but I guess that's one reason to work on shyness... you might lose out on some good opportunities.</p>

<p>It's strange, though, because I'm really talkative (sometimes to a fault!) when I'm with friends or in a small group of people; it just takes me a long time to open up to new people or to feel comfortable in large groups.</p>

33

<p>MathMom, I think you've hit it the nail: I'm at my worst in purely social situations. Give me a role, whether it's analyzing pros and cons of a piece of real estate, marketing ballet, or even giving advice about college applications :) I'm just fine. </p>

<p>Otoh, the idea of being out there dating again is petrifying even as a hypothetical.</p>

34

<p>I want to change, but why is a part of me holding me back?</p>

35

<p>It is normal to be hesitant about new social situations or of possibilities that appear scary.</p>

<p>Nevertheless, I urge you to try something along the lines discussed above. Start small; after small successes your confidence can grow and you can move on to bigger things.</p>

<p>But, if after some time of trying, you find it impossible to even get started, then I would recommend that you consider talking to a therapist, perhaps at your school. A therapist would talk everything over with you and help you to get started.</p>

36

<p>Firax...</p>

<p>The best and easiest way to keep a conversation going is to ask questions to the other person. That way, the other person does the talking and you are expanding this important social skill....</p>

<p>Show an interest in people, their family, friends, and hobbies/activities. (People love to talk about themselves -- even those who swear that they are "private people" -- and they will love you for it. </p>

<p>People like to have people listen to them.</p>

<p>Remember what people had told you before and follow up with those things. Such as: </p>

<p>I remember last time you told me that your mom was very ill, how is she doing now? or.... </p>

<p>Last time you mentioned that you were having problems with your boss (or a certain class/teacher), has that gotten any better? Or.... </p>

<p>How is (the person's favorite team) doing this year? (People love it when you remember what they told you before). (variation if the season is over: How do you think (the fav team) will do next year? I heard the team signed XXXX (or got a new coach/manager) What do think about that.... Or...</p>

<p>Did you watch (the person's favorite team) last night/week? What did you think of (a play, a penalty, a foul, whatever) Or....</p>

<p>Did you see in the news that XXXXXX (something not too political if the person might be politically opposite of you) "safe things" usually are new medical breakthroughs, sports, local events, concerts/Broadway plays coming to town, etc.</p>

<p>If the person has a new baby, children or (grands!!!!) ask about them (people LOVE to talk about their babies, kids and their GRANDS!!! (if they bring out pics, show an interest and make a nice comment.... "what a beautiful family you have. You're very blessed." This isn't fake because all families are beautiful...</p>

<p>What do you think of (the latest hot movie)?</p>

<p>If the person is an "Idol" fan, ask them who they think is going to get kicked off next... and why.... Ask if they thought (xxxx) should have gotten kicked off last week.</p>

<p>LOOOOOOOK people in the eye when you speak to them and they speak to YOU. Eye contact is VERY important. Body language is too. If sitting, lean a bit forward, towards the person that is speaking to you. (But don't violate "personal space" !!!!)</p>

<p>If you notice, the idea is to say a few words that gets the other person talking. Then, depending on what they say, you can come up with an appropriate "follow up" to get them to say more....</p>

<p>(I am purposely listing MANY possibilities because I know that shy people often get "stuck" even trying to think of possible conversation starters. Believe me, this works.... my older son was shy with girls and he has implemented these ideas and now he's got a lot more female friends :) I am always telling him that it is my job (and now that he's older it's his job) to gently push out the "comfort zone". Not so much that it is overwhelming, but just a little bit at a time..... )</p>

37

<br>


<br>

<p>When I cried, Mom bought the newspaper. Any parents reading this: If you want to help your shy kids, don't enable them by letting them avoid situations that make them nervous. Instead, encourage them and show them how to handle the situation. <<<<<<</p>

<p>When my kids were little, I got them used to dealing with "store people" by letting them give their order (at McDs) and giving the money. If they needed to order again later, I would give them the $$$ and have them go up by themselves, order and get the item.</p>

<p>It's also important to get kids "used" to using the phone properly.... calling businesses and asking if they have....(whatever). Or, if they are calling a friends home and the parent answers, my kids are to politely IDENTIFY themselves and ask for the kid..... They are not to just say "Can I speak to XXXXX" (if the parent may not know my kid, they are to say something like, This is JJJJ, I'm in YYYY's class at school, may I speak to him/her."</p>

38

<p>My mom just had me call the American Embassy to clear out some questions concerning the visa application and SEVIS and all. <em>eye twitches</em> First time I really dealt with an authority so directly. And for something as important as my visa app... <em>shivers</em> </p>

<p>(I didn't handle it too well. :o Here's hoping the interview goes better!)</p>

39

<p>Quote: "When my kids were little, I got them used to dealing with "store people" by letting them give their order (at McDs) and giving the money. If they needed to order again later, I would give them the $$$ and have them go up by themselves, order and get the item....
It's also important to get kids "used" to using the phone properly.... calling businesses and asking if they have....(whatever). Or, if they are calling a friends home and the parent answers, my kids are to politely IDENTIFY themselves and ask for the kid..... They are not to just say "Can I speak to XXXXX" (if the parent may not know my kid, they are to say something like, This is JJJJ, I'm in YYYY's class at school, may I speak to him/her."</p>

<p>These are all good ideas for many kids, but for a painfully shy child, doing these things can feel terrifying. For such a child, encouragement has to be coupled with understanding and a tolerance for a much longer time span in which such skills may develop. My very shy daughter used to have her much younger brother ask for things for her in a restaurant. Dealing with strangers on the phone was difficult for her even in early adolescence. But at age 23, she's a competent young woman who has "grown into herself", and is able to handle life's social demands extremely well.</p>

40

<p>I actually have no trouble talking to strangers on the phone, nor very close friends. I do have trouble calling someone I'm acquainted with, or someone I'm trying to impress. I always feel like an intrusion... like the time a few weeks ago when I called the guy I like on a Sunday evening (and that was after he'd asked me to call, or in my eyes, "given me permission") and, after a brief conversation, he said he had to go because he was with his family. I guess it hadn't occurred to me that most families, being less dysfunctional than mine, treat weekends as "family time" as opposed to "lock yourself up in your room and read" time. Oops.</p>

<p>Now that I think of it, it seems as if my shyness is mostly the result of worrying that people might not like me. I'm fine doing newspaper layout because I'm doing my job and am useful; I'm fine calling strangers because I need information from them and they're there to answer me. I'm not fine in large groups of people I don't know very well because I always imagine that they're judging me.</p>