Overwhelmed With Second Guessing

Parents Forum
1

<p>I feel rather foolish asking this, especially to a forum full of strangers, but hopefully I can find the same amazing advice I've seen you all give to other students asking for help.</p>

<p>A bit of background: I only applied to four schools due to, at the time, narrowing my list to my top choices. I got rejected to my first two choices (UVA and Cornell), and was only accepted to my safety and to Bryn Mawr. I had a really bad experience with a summer program at BM a year ago, which colored my view of the school a lot. I only applied because there wasn't a fee and I had a good recommendation from a professor. I only think I accepted because it was either it or a state school I hated, and I wanted to stand out from my high school peers, who are almost unanimously going to Rutgers and TCNJ.</p>

<p>But now I'm less than a week away from moving into Bryn Mawr, a school that I know a lot of people would be more than thrilled to attend, a school that my parents are fitting the whole bill for. Yet for the past few days, I've found myself almost obsessively looking over other colleges and universities as if the clock has turned back to last year when I was putting together my application list the first time. But I don't know why. </p>

<p>On paper, it fits perfectly. It's close to home, it's got a great academic program, quirky student body. I've instantly clicked with my roommate and for all intents and purposes been happy with my choice until now. Yet I feel as if I've made a huge mistake, that I really should have applied to more choices. I've almost re-fallen in love with Mount Holyoke because of Joseph Ellis and it's history department, and Vassar's European Studies and Victorian program, as compared to Bryn Mawr's...less than enthralling history department. And my heart is still down in Virginia.</p>

<p>I don't feel as if I can talk to my parents about this, since they're just as nervous about seeing their first-born daughter move out, and since they're paying ALL the tuition for me. I don't want to seem like an ungrateful brat throwing that generosity back at them, especially if it's just simple nerves in my gut. And my friends, well, I can't ask advice for them since they all "settled" for schools they despise.</p>

<p>What I'm asking to you all is if what I'm feeling is normal and will pass, or if it sounds like a deeper problem is at work.</p>

<p>Thank you for reading.</p>

2

<p>I think a lot of about-to-be-freshmen feel the way you do. </p>

<p>Perhaps, though, you may have more reason to feel that way than some others do. Your top two choices – UVA and Cornell – have much in common with each other and very little in common with Bryn Mawr. So I can see why you would be uneasy.</p>

<p>But this does not necessarily mean that Bryn Mawr would be a bad choice for you. It’s a fine college with a lot of good opportunities – and its close relationship with Haverford further expands those opportunities. You will also have easy access to an interesting major city – something you would not have had at either UVA or Cornell. And the fact that you and your roommate like each other already is a big plus. Bryn Mawr has a lot to recommend it.</p>

<p>If you will permit me to tell you a story: Many years ago, I was in the same sort of position as you, only with a twist. You ended up at the only small school on your list. I ended up at the only large school on mine (ironically, it happened to be Cornell). My first choice school had waitlisted me, and another small school that I liked very much had offered too little financial aid. I had applied to Cornell only because several people at my high school had gone there and liked it, and I felt I needed one more school on my list. When I was faced with actually going to Cornell, I was very wary about going to such a large university. However, it turned out to be a good choice for me. You may have the same kind of experience at Bryn Mawr. Only time will tell.</p>

<p>In the meantime, I think you should give Bryn Mawr a chance. You may very well fall in love with it. But just in case you don’t, make an effort to earn good grades so that you will be an attractive candidate for admission to other colleges as a transfer student if Bryn Mawr doesn’t work out.</p>

3

<p>In the real estate business, this is called “buyer’s remorse”. Someone has found a house that they want to buy. Might not be their dream house, but the best one of those available for them at this point in their life. They are excited and happy until just about a week before the deal goes down, and then panic sets in. All they see are the negatives and the other, nicer houses that are currently on the market.
What you are feeling is not uncommon. You may be right, and you may leave Bryn Mawr after a year - many kids transfer. Or, you may get there and fall in love with it. Many of your classmates may be like your “instant click” with your room-mate. It’s a great school, you know that.
I know that 2 data points are not a good survey, but both my daughters had last minute panics. Why am I going so far away? Why didn’t I choose that other school? Why did I break up with the boyfriend who is going somewhere else?<br>
From what you have told us, I’d vote normal and will pass.<br>
Enjoy your freshman year!</p>

4

<p>I just want to pop in here and say thank you to the OP. I think you’ve been given the best possble advice… yes you are normal, it may be perfect, stay positive, and get good grades so that you are in a good position to transfer if that’s what you think would be best. But I say thank you because while I think my son is really excited to go to school, is he having some regrets, concerns? And I guess all I can tell him is that we’re proud of his decisions and that there is no “rule” that he has to love the place. Just get the good grades and apply for transfer if that’s what you ultimately want. Like your parents, we’re paying full boat and so I’d rather have him happy wherever that is.</p>

5

<p>It’s normal. I recommend that you stop looking at other schools. In your life, your going to have make choices and you’ll have doubts. Trust yourself and turn your focus to the choice you have made. Second guessing yourself is just wasted time.</p>

<p>If this college is not a match, that will become clear in time and then you can research. For now, remind yourself what you like about it and validate your choice.</p>

6

<p>Thank you for such prompt replies!</p>

<p>It’s nice to hear that others have had the same feelings too, but I’m afraid it doesn’t quiet some of my largest worries. Like Marian mentioned, since my two top choices were large universities, the smaller campus - even when counting in the plus of Haverford, Swarthmore, and UPenn - might be bothering me too.</p>

<p>Perhaps it might be that I don’t really feel “I” made the decision. Given I had two options (which is entirely my doing; I regret deeply I didn’t expand my application pool, which might be something to remind applicants-to-be), and one of them was a school that I hated on so many levels, I feel like I’d only been left with one choice; one choice I made because my parents and relatives had overwhelmingly said “Was me”.</p>

<p>Strangely, it feels cathartic just to write this out. Thank you again for viewing!</p>

7

<p>I think you would seem like more of an ungrateful brat if you let them spend a years tuition at Bryn Mawr and don’t do well because you are unhappy, or just end up transferring or dropping out. What exactly is it that you have against Bryn Mawr? There are always other colleges you might wish you’d gone to instead, ALWAYS, but unless you have a legitimate problem with the school you’re attending then there’s no need to worry about it. </p>

<p>I agree that you are feeling what a LOT of other freshman are feeling. I am a transferring junior from a community college and I am happy with where I am starting next week, but it was my first choice. However I am having an absolute PANIC second guessing my program choice. I think that kind of reaction to the stress is normal. Picking a college (or program, alternatively) is a big commitment. I likened my panic to having pre-wedding jitters prior to marrying a poli sci degree. :stuck_out_tongue: </p>

<p>Only you can know if it’s just jitters or if you’ve genuinely made a mistake. You DO need to talk to your parents about this. It is not fair to expect them to pay for something you don’t even know if you want to do. And for all you know they may have some good advice for you that will make you more comfortable. You could go and love it there.</p>

8

<p>Good for you for thinking this through now. You are probably more mature than many kids heading out this fall just because you are thinking this way.
One idea: Take 5 deep cleansing breaths and decide to let it go. For this one year, you will bloom where you are planted. You will enjoy meeting all the women in your dorm, great classes, great traditions. You will have a wonderful, energizing, silly, frightening, enlightening, wild, good, bad, lonely, laugh-out-loud time. </p>

<p>Hugs from all us moms!</p>

9

<p>Thank you again for the replies.</p>

<p>To dragonmom: Thank you for the very sweet advice.</p>

<p>To TwistedxKiss: I’d be more willing to talk to my parents over it if they weren’t feeling jitters themselves. Earlier on in the summer, I’d mentioned worries to my mom (which in retrospect were just the “High-school-has-ended, friends-are-leaving” worries), and she’d overreacted and told me I should have gone to state school. She’s a nervous woman, and I don’t want to add to her worrying.</p>

<p>I think I need to just stay off the internet to avoid searching other colleges, and give my school a fair chance.</p>

10

<p>I think you gave yourself good advice - avoiding searching other colleges for now and giving Bryn Mawr a chance. I’m in a similar position, though I’ve already been through freshmen year. I applied to five schools and was rejected from my top two choices and accepted to the safety I didn’t want to go to, my state school, and a school I had never really considered that I would be attending. </p>

<p>I ended up at that school that I hadn’t really considered (state school too big, safety school too small). I’ve been having second thoughts since last summer about my choice and after an okay first semester decided not to try transferring…now I’ve been spending waaay too much time this summer looking at all the other schools that I could have applied to, the programs/majors/classes I could have done at other schools…it’s really not helping my anxiousness about returning to school/worrying that I made the wrong choice by choosing not to transfer.</p>

<p>Give Bryn Mawr a chance, and after a semester or two if you really don’t like it, start exploring your other options. You can’t go back and change the schools to applied to (so many times I’ve wished that I could have) so just look forward to the future and the school that you are starting at. It’s totally normally to be having second thoughts like this, and if you go to Bryn Mawr and hate it, you can always transfer. It’ll all end up okay in the end!</p>

11

<p>“I think I need to just stay off the internet to avoid searching other colleges, and give my school a fair chance.”</p>

<p>Great call. You have nothing to gain from deciding you’re going to hate it before you even get there. I have repeated that to myself over and over the past few months with regard to my classes, my roommate, my residence hall, all sorts of stuff. It’s a good pre-college motto. And it it doesn’t work out, you can transfer somewhere else after you’ve given it a fair try. Who knows, maybe you’ll get into the original schools you wanted the second time around. I would just be wary of going in planning on transferring, that prevents one from keeping an open mind. Just know the option will be there should things not go as planned, so there’s no need to worry about it now.</p>

12

<p>Zen teaches a practice called “radical acceptance”. It helps us to be fully in the moment–not drawn off into the past (what if…etc., when that really is no longer one bit real or present and just generates regret/guilt/doubt)–or drawn into the future( what if…when that isn’t here yet either and just generates anxiety, worry/doubt). It is actually very hard for human minds to stay in the present which is why even the Dalia Lama has to have a daily practice of mindfulness. I’d counsel working on some radical acceptance that you are about to go to a top school and have a good fit with your roommate and there is nothing to lose if you just jump in. My guess is that by New Years you will have found out why the school is beloved by many and you will have found your niche. Put down the mouse and walk around your neighborhood and distract your mother by planning fun things you will do at the holidays and make some chocolate chip cookies and just be in the present. Bryn Mawr radically accepted you-and you don’t know yet just why you are headed there but the fates in the larger universe are at work and you can just unfold your wings and see where they take you</p>

13

<p>I think you’ve gotten some great advice so far.</p>

<p>Another thing I’d like to add is that even if you’d ended up going to the school you had your heart set on, it might not have even been a fit in the end. I went to what I thought was my dream school, and I wound up being very unhappy by second semester and transferring. What we think we need isn’t always the same as what we actually need, and there’s a chance that Bryn Mawr will end up being a better match for you anyway. </p>

<p>Even if things don’t work out quite as you want, bear in mind that transferring isn’t that big of a deal, either.</p>