Parent Refuses to Help with College?

Paying for College
41

<p>Look, when you're at this age, you're bound to have differences with your parents. I have personal experience with that as well... but you must recognize that your mom may have some personal issues (and it would be insensitive of you if you disregarded them). And the rift between you and your mother may be BOTH of your faults. </p>

<p>That said, if you have been under the impression that she was going to pay for school, she probably will when everything is said and done. But you have to try and repair your relationship! If you're not willing, you might as well start planning on loans and scholarships.</p>

42

<p>tongue-in-cheek advice: wherever you end up, major in psychology ;)</p>

<p>joking aside, i wish those responding to the OP would realize this isn't a "oh no, my mom won't pay for college like she's supposed to! isn't she so mean? what should i do to get my well deserved college funds?" post. no. this issue is one of both irrationality (potential mental problems) and a HUGE dose of culture.</p>

<p>i am not asian, but the OP is and most of my friends are. i found it interesting to note that my best friend (taiwanese girl same age as OP) says her parents tell her continually that she isn't respecting the difficulties they had in coming to the US. nor is she as good as her older sisters. etc etc etc. my point being, this is a common theme in asian families, which i may not respect but i do sort of understand.</p>

<p>here's where it turns into a mental/irrational issue: OP's mom is blaming her for her marriage troubles? is saying the OP is making her feel "confined"? how many of you think this is rational adult behavior, of any culture? it's illogical, to be sure. blaming the child for one's own troubles is unhealthy and inappropriate. she had a child, and she needs to accept any and all burdens that come with raising one. for these reasons i don't think that the OP is to blame for her mom's behavior, because it does not seem to be a mutual falling-out. to me is seems like emotional insecurity or instability on the mom's behalf, and my only interpretation of her behavior becoming even more aggravated is that she may fear she's losing her control over her kid, once college eventually comes. she seems to try to exert power by picking at flaws that are fairly insignificant in the scheme of things (you say OP doesn't talk about what she's interested in? why doesn't the mom respect what her kid is not only interested in, but talented at doing? communication goes both ways) i don't know precisely where the line can be drawn between cultural factors and mental ones, but i do think that they both come into play here and have been largely ignored.</p>

<p>the other interesting thing i have drawn from my relationship with my taiwanese friend is that no matter how badly (by my american standards) her parents treat her, she is still willing to maintain a relationship with them throughout her life. despite the abuse (including physical) she views it as normal, and though her parents can put her through hell when all she wants is their approval and the words "i'm proud of you" she won't ever stop trying to win their (well-deserved, imo) pride. nor is this culture-specific. i know asians generally don't express emotion (including pride), but parents of any background can manipulate their children by withholding such basic things, yet their kids won't ever stop trying to get approval.</p>

<p>to those who say repairing the OP's relationship with her mom is first and foremost, i disagree. i'm not saying that anything not perfect should be discarded, nor am i saying that the OP should go, "oh my mom's not paying for college so i should make a break with her." i'm just saying that if the relationship, in subsequent years, continues to become more toxic (especially if the mom really does have unsolved mental issues, or is just plain emotionally abusive), then at some point the line needs to be drawn. at what point does a child realize that a relationship is too harmful to have any benefit? i don't know. but my mom drew that line with her own mother, and has lived a happier life since. it comes with its own troubles, to be sure, but just because you're born to a certain family doesn't mean you can't choose someone else to be your family. would you also say that someone in an abusive marital relationship should repair it? or walk away before it becomes self-destructive?</p>

<p>i know i haven't touched on options for college, but it's been well-covered. i just wanted to illustrate that there are many factors operating here underneath the surface that really define the OP's situation that i didn't think have been weighed in. so there's my two cents. best of luck to the OP, in college and in life!</p>

43

<p>Can you file as an independant?</p>

44

<p>
[quote]
Can you file as an independant?

[/quote]
It is pretty esy to file as an independent for tax purposes. However being considered indepedent for tax purposes has very little to do whether colleges will consider your parent's income and assets when deciding you EFC ... e.g., even if you're "independent" schools will expect your parents to help except a few very clear exceptions (married, over 25, etc).</p>

45

<p>If the mom says she is not going to pay, DO NOT count on her to pay. Even if she changes her mind in freshman year and does pay, she can always re neg in sophomore year or anytime thereafter. Since she doesn't want to pay, find a college that will offer a full ride scholarship. With OP's stats, there are many out there. </p>

<p>It will be good to try to establish a better relationship with the mom without regard to college tuition money. Establish a better relationship just because she is your mom. Yes she is odd. But she's what you've got. Accept her for what she is. Forget about the money.</p>

46

<p>I have a friend who was in a similar situation - she had one parent with low income, who was willing to help out somewhat but had hardly any extra money... and another parent with significant income (upwards of 150,000) who refused to pay. she sent all of the normal FA paperwork, including financial situations of both parents, but sent a letter saying that one parent was absent in her life, refused to pay, explaining the reasons etc. 3 colleges waived the high-payed parents income because of this. ultimately she got a full ride at a prestigious 45,000 LAC that was need-based. SO... I suggest you definately apply to schools where you have a good chance of getting scholarships/full rides (state schools, merit-based aid etc) but also apply to some great schools you really like because a) they might help ify ou explain the situation and b) your mom might come around. good luck.</p>

47

<p>


</p>

<p>If they were able to...why not? Why would it be forced? As a kid, why would you want your parents to not live in comfortable retirement? As a parent, why would you not want your kid to go to the best place for them for school? </p>

<p>But that's beside the point...can you honestly say the OP's parent is being reasonable here? This sounds like a case of "how dare you not major in math/science!!" Which is an absurd attitude asian parents ought to get over.</p>

48

<p>Hi Tagore,
I haven't seen coop programs mentioned. Some universities have strong cooperative education programs, ie jobs in industry. I attended Ga Tech and due to my families lack of resources paid my way through by working as a coop student. It was also a very valuable experience that helped me find my way to a job that I liked. Here is a link to some info: <a href="http://www.careersandcolleges.com/cnc/articles/view.do?article=financing-your-college-career-through-cooperative-education%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.careersandcolleges.com/cnc/articles/view.do?article=financing-your-college-career-through-cooperative-education&lt;/a> Good luck.</p>

49

<p>Liyana179: I completely agree with your post. See my much earlier post at #4. This has nothing to do with "getting along with your mom," "being nice to your mom," "listening to your mom," "talking about things that your mom cares about." This is about mom's mental illness, IMHO.</p>

50

<p>
[quote]
if the parents are force to pay for the kid's college (in addition to providing whatever other advantages come with a $160K income over 18 years of childrearing), would you also agree that that same kid should be forced to pay for their parents' comfortable retirement in whatever retirement community they wish to live?

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Of course. I dont know why anyone would think otherwise. Its our obligation, as a people with resources, to take care of those who can't care for themselves. The entire american system works in this way. Thats why you have financial aid, pensions, retirement plans, agricultural subsidies etc. </p>

<p>To deny your son/daughter higher education when he clearly deserves it, or you aging parent happy last days, is well, its a crime.</p>

51

<p>I really think most of the parent/child problems in our society comes from a sense of entitlement. I don't expect anything from my parents, I never expected a car, I never expected college tuition or anything. Your parents don't owe you anything and you don't owe your parent anything. Its amazing how different a child can be from their own parents though</p>

52

<p>If your possible majors are the ones offered by Cooper Union in New York City, I think they pay your entire tuition. I believe they handle only architecture and engineering, and perhaps art, but I'm not sure of that last one.</p>

53

<p>Ha!</p>

<p>My entire life my parents encouraged me to shoot for Ivies- they didn't even go to college, nor did they send me to private school. But I pushed myself and got into Yale, Dartmouth, and Brown (along with a host of other top tier schools). My parents were thrilled and pushed me to choose Yale.</p>

<p>Recently, because my mother is actually bat**** crazy, and because she hates me (and has said so herself), she threatened to divorce my father and take his money specifically so he wouldn't be able to pay for my college- unless both he and I did what she said.</p>

<p>So what happened? NONE of my family came to my graduation, I wasn't allowed to celebrate with my friends or my family, I got no graduation gifts, I was locked in my room without a phone or computer for days and days.</p>

<p>She would come up and taunt me, and try to get me to hit her, just so she could report me. Finally I couldn't take it anymore, and walked out... eventually my father talked some sense into her and we just ignore each other now.</p>

<p>But yeah, there are some certifiably insane parents out there. It sucks. </p>

<p>And you know what? I think it's fair to expect tuition to be paid for when the parents have been breathing down your neck your whole life, when they've been spitting IVY IVY IVY at you since you were 8, when they've been living vicariously through you and taking out their disappointment in their own lives on you, and when they TOLD YOU THEY WOULD PAY MANY MANY TIMES... yeah, I don't think that's a sense of entitlement, sorry. I earned the right to an advanced education, thank you very much. </p>

<p>Anyway, things eventually worked out for me, and I hope they do for you as well.</p>

54

<p>Oh my goodness. How awful. My heart goes out to you.</p>

<p>Here's what I suggest.</p>

<p>1) Apply to a few colleges you really would like to go to if your mom changes her mind or you win the lottery. That way you'll have those acceptance letters in hand - just in case.</p>

<p>2) Apply to some very good colleges who offer very good merit aid and maybe you will get a very good scholarship from a prestigious school. Don't completely count on this though. You are a very good student but there is a lot of competition and there is of course randomness to who is chosen for these scholarships.</p>

<p>3) Apply to some regular colleges like these:
<a href="http://www.finaid.org/scholarships/academicscholarships.phtml%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.finaid.org/scholarships/academicscholarships.phtml&lt;/a>
I think you would have a very good chance for a full tuition scholarship at a number of these schools. I think you could cover your room and board with summer job earnings and minimal loans. [During the summer between each year of college, you can rent a cheap room (frats often rent out rooms in the summer for next to nothing) and work in the town your college is in and save almost all of your earnings.]</p>

<p>4) Check to see what tuition is like at every state college in your state. You may find that with your stats you are likely to get full tuition at some of them, the ones that are trying to attract top students. It depends on the state, I know.</p>

<p>It sounds like your mom is suffering from a bout of mental illness right now. I hope she gets better. (I don't think living at home and going to community college is advisable.) </p>

<p>Please let us know what happens.</p>

55

<p>My personal experience is similar to the OP's. My single-parent mother was clinically mentally ill, however she was not diagnosed nor treated.</p>

<p>She had the resources, through inheritance, to live a comfortable life and to pay for my college many times over, but exercised the power of money to control and refused to pay on account of my not being "good enough."</p>

<p>Much to her chagrine, I found a way to put myself through school with absolutely no financial or emotional support. It was a hard row to hoe, most certainly, and a lonely and scary period in my life.</p>

<p>Her mental illness has never been treated. To all outward appearances, she is functional. In her relationships with others, she is the proverbial victim, childlike and self-absorbed, resulting in an extremely limited circle of people who will tolerate her and allow themselves to be controlled.</p>

<p>Her continuing manipulative behaviors have driven me and other relatives away and now she bemoans (or so I'm told) daily the pain I have caused her by removing myself and my children from her life.</p>

<p>If your mother's attitude is caused by mental illness, she needs treatment. You are on the verge of adulthood and need to chart your course, with or without her assistance and involvement. You can be there for your mother emotionally, but you are not reponsible for her mental health.<br>
It's time to have a heart-to-heart with your mother. Your lifetime relationship with her may be at stake, so there's no room for threats or maybes. I flat-out asked my mother if she was really not going to help me with college and, in retrospect, that was the best day of my life and one of the only honest conversations we ever had. </p>

<p>Regarding your college plans, you have a multitude of options previously mentioned by other posters. Not only will state schools offer merit
scholarships, but private LACs have generous merit awards.</p>

<p>Good luck to you! You'll find the right path.</p>

56

<p>I have a friend whose father owns a US $500M company, drives a bentley... yet my friend had to pay for his own tuition and spending. </p>

<p>It was to build character.</p>

<p>Unfortunately parents (and especially Asian parents) tend to look past a person's past achievements and focus only on flaws. It's an unfortunate truth. Luckily there's a LOT of honors/merit programs you can apply to, and a LOT of private benefactors/organizations that may be willing to partially sponsor you. If you show your mother your desire to go to a competitive university and resolve, maybe that will swing her.</p>

<p>She also might be bluffing.</p>

57

<p>OP sounds to me like an extremely intelligent and mature person. if i were an adcom and his thread were his essay, i'd admit him immediately with full aid</p>

<p>which translates to: go ahead and apply to colleges. adcoms with admit you immediately with full aid</p>

58

<p>^above post would probably come off as a feeble attempt to get full tuition at the cost of the parent's reputation within the adcoms (but who cares?) And would probably sound like the parent forced the kid to write that essay to save some money.</p>

<p>Your parents arent obligated to help you out financially; there are many underprivileged kids who do well and go to schools that offer them good financial aid. If you think you deserve going to a top university, get into Princeton so they can finance you 100%. If you're not, go to a small LAC and get a full scholarship.</p>

59

<p>My dad brings in about $250,000 and my parents want me to go a community college because they don't want me wasting time at a UC if I could just transfer to one after a few years from a CC and because it would save money.</p>

<p>THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. Why would ANYONE go straight to a UC then? Why doesn't everyone just go to a CC and then transfer to a UC if it saves years of tuition cost? BS</p>

<p>They send my brother to med school and pay his $30,000 every year but they won't shelve out 2 bucks for me?</p>

<p>F THEM.</p>

60

<p>^ you need to vent to your parents about this. they NEED to know how you feel.</p>