<p>deb:
My kids have never had a curfew either, and they've never really needed one. So I'd say, why fix it if it ain't broken?</p>
<p>Re curfew: I think there are many reasonable approaches. As he grew older (and always showed responsibility), we used the same system with S as flatx - tell us what time to expect you; call if you will be more than 10 minutes later than that. He never abused it. </p>
<p>Side tip for some parents: We are not night owls. Our arrangement was that S should call my cell if changing plans or going to be late. That way, if I'm awake - I'll answer. If I want to go to sleep, I turn it off. But if I wake up, I can turn it on and retrieve message so I don't have to worry. Of course, in a true emergency, he can call the land line and know we will hear it.</p>
<p>Here's our solution - D has a night-shift job (10pm to 7am). Then she sleeps during the day. We don't see much of her!</p>
<p>A wonderful article from the New York Times:
<a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/09/nyregion/nyregionspecial2/11Rgen.html%5B/url%5D">http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/09/nyregion/nyregionspecial2/11Rgen.html</a></p>
<p>weenie, I know we are lucky. :-) Maybe it has something to do with not having any family in this country, there are just the three of us here . We became a very tight-knit family unit. :-) And I DO know kids who should have a lot of supervision. Sadly, some of them don't have enough.</p>
<p>jmmom, we use the same system, works very well.</p>
<p>deb922, I have never had a curfew for my kids, but I always had the same system: call by ___. With my daughter, it used to be, on school days, call by 6 pm if not home by then & call again by 10 pm -- on weekends, call by midnight. (The 6 pm was for me to know whether to expect her for dinner). This has lapsed somewhat this year as things have grown more casual -- but I don't think it's unreasonable to have a family member call to check in at an agreed time. </p>
<p>My kids are night owls, too -- but so am I, so it really doesn't matter too much. My daughter won't graduate until next week, but she already found a job for the summer - it's retail, so her hours & shifts vary. </p>
<p>If my d. isn't at work and she isn't at school and she isn't home, then odds are she's with her boyfriend. She'll even hang around his house sometimes when he isn't home, as she gets along really well with his mom - so basically I know where she is whether I'm with her or not. </p>
<p>In terms of parental comfort level, it really comes down to a combination of how trustworthy the kid is and how predictable. Even when my kids were in elementary school, I remember that I always seemed to know where they were whether they told me or not.</p>
<p>This thread is giving me flashbacks. </p>
<p>Son #1 became IMPOSSIBLE during summer b/ h.s. and college. We used the kind of polite adult rules referenced here ("Just tell us if you'll be working late/gone for dinner/unable to do chores, etc.") but it seemed as if he wanted reasons to have the argument that ends, "In ____ days, you won't know where I am or what time I get home!" His attitude was painful and shocking. When we drove him to school, he was a brat. When we got home, we discovered that his seemingly-tidy room concealed an anthropologist's delight under his bed: a rectangular solid consisting of sex-drug-rock&roll debris, plus every note, reminder, etc I'd ever left him. I've never felt like more of a failure in my life.</p>
<p>In retrospect, he was either (a) excessively nervous about leaving for college, or (b) training us to let him go. He still doesn't know, but has apologized profusely. Days after he first arrived at school, our sweet and thoughtful son -- the real one -- re-emerged on the phone, and regularly. He wanted to report social and academic progress, ask advice, see if a weekend home would be convenient for us, and generally behave the way we thought he always would. </p>
<p>If you are unlucky enough to have a painful transition summer, try to soldier through it. Your real kid may well return sooner than you expect. Of course, you may be grayer and more haggard when s/he does, but s/he'll probably recognize you. </p>
<p>(PS: #1 son graduates from UCSB this weekend, with a great job lined up.)</p>
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<blockquote> <p>PS: #1 son graduates from UCSB this weekend, with a great job lined up.)<<</p> </blockquote>
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<p>Is this like dying and going to heaven! Maybe you should try for the perfect tri-fecta--"and he has met a nice girl that we like very much."</p>
<p>I didn't have a named curfew however-
if they were to be coming back home to sleep- they were home by midnight or had a damn good reason ( Ie fell asleep.. missed bus etc)
My younger daughter when she goes to dances- the dances end at midnight and she either is staying at a friends or she comes right home- I really don't see any reason for a teenager to be out all night.
My older daughter- when she would come home from college- might go out with friends and be home at 1pm or so- again- they don't need to stay out all night- it is disruptive to entire household.
If there was some reason that they needed to be out until the wee hours of the morning, then that could be discussed- but we are just not night owls I guess- or at least we all like to be home at night, not on the road when the bars close
I have had to call older daughter on her cell phone when she was at a friends watching dvds and they apparently fell asleep- but she knows that I can't go to bed until they are home & she respects that- it isn't that I don't trust her- but I worry- especially when I think about her transferring buses in neighborhoods that aren't so great.</p>
<p>it isn't that I don't trust her- but I worry- especially when I think about her transferring buses in neighborhoods that aren't so great.</p>
<p>I would be the same way if we lived in a city. There are no buses to transfer in our neck of the ....fields. And when students are gone for breaks life becomes almost unbearalby safe. :-)</p>
<p>as the OP, I'm happy and frankly shocked, to report that after being told that we now realize she is an adult and doesn't want to live by our rules, and that she can begin to support herself:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>D didn't so much as blink when we told her she now could pay her own cell phone bill, and she forked over graduation money immediately!</p></li>
<li><p>when told she needed to find a full time job, went out the same day and found two part-time jobs to fill her week.</p></li>
<li><p>she is happy as a clam as they say here in New England and is pleasant, YES, I SAID PLEASANT, to be around!</p></li>
</ol>
<p>There is a God, afterall, and we must have paid our dues somewhere along the line. Baseballmom and H will get through the summer.</p>
<p>Let's just hope the evil boyfriend from afar is now out-of-sight, so out-of-mind...but that's another story!</p>
<p>So, I'm sending out a HUGE thank you to my friends at cc for helping me get through the last few days by offering your sound, calm anecdotes, and amazingly, almost immediately after I posted. H and I were at our wits end and I felt as though I didn't even know the creature in my house that was once my lovely girl. I have certainly received more than I've given on this site over the last few years. I'll try to repay this kindness in years to come.</p>
<p>thanks all</p>