Parent threatening to withdraw tuition

Parents Forum
1

<p>It's a long story, so I'll try to condense:</p>

<p>I'm a good kid. In high school, I excelled academically, actively participated in extracurriculars, was friends with the straight-edge overachievers, never drank or did drugs, never partied, never had a boyfriend, never got into trouble with school or the law, etc. </p>

<p>My mother and I have issues. She's very verbally abusive. So I applied to college as a junior in high school, was accepted at my first choice school, and left. She's still generous enough to foot the expensive bill. </p>

<p>Except I'm back for winter break and she's angry at me, again and is suggesting that we get legally separated so that she doesn't have to deal with me anymore(because I'm such a "disappointment"). This would include, of course, not footing the tuition. Because I graduated early, I'm still 17, so I think if she does this now I might be able to get my financial aid increased since I obviously don't have any assets. I'm not sure if she's serious. But my concern is basically that she'll decide to stop paying after I turn 18. Is there any way to gain "independent" status after 18 or would I basically be forced to drop out?</p>

2

<p>If you're legally separated due to abuse or some other reason, then your financial aid package will change. You can probably live off loans and a part-time job and finish college. I have plenty of friends who didn't need support from their parents while in college.</p>

3

<p>For one, you might try to settle your differences with your mother. You are not independent from your mother as long as she's paying your bills, so you might as well let her win whatever arguments are going on between you two. Secondly, there are these things called 'jobs' that may be of interest to you in the case that you do have to pay your own tuition rather than being "forced" to drop out.</p>

4

<p>@Harvard 09: So the FA office adjusted accordingly for you friends?</p>

<p>@ Cono: Please don't judge.
1) I don't argue back. I've let her win for years.
2) There is no job that someone without a college degree could work part-time that would cover my tuition costs. So yes, w/out FA adjustment if she suddenly withdrew payment I would have to drop out until the next round of transfer appliacations.</p>

5

<p>I would also suggest that you find someone in the FA office that you can tell your story to. In my (admittedly limited) experience, they can be very helpful. They may have some ideas for you; they probably have had experience with this kind of sad situation before. Also, are there any sympathetic family members you might confide in? Maybe not in a confrontational way, because you don't want to make a bad situation worse, but in a "I don't know where else to turn," kind of way. We are all hoping this works out for you.</p>

6

<p>Justbreathe - it is extremely difficult to be considered legally emancipated and as difficult to convince FA departments to agree. I have known of several kids who, for legitimate reasons, tried to pursue this and found that it was virtually impossible. Unfortunately, I think if your mom refuses to pay, you will be left to pay the bill on your own. </p>

<p>While the FA office may be sympathetic - getting them to substantially increase your aid will be extraordinarily difficult.</p>

7

<p>Unfortunately, a lot of students and parents don't get along, (although your situation seems to be extreme) so I doubt there is any way to increase FA right now at your present college. I agree with trying to get another family member to help, or both of you getting counseling. While the present issue is financial aid for college, it is obvious that you and Mom really need to work out some issues so you can have a healthy future.</p>

8

<p>I suggest you call a legal aid organization and ask about the rules governing emancipated minor status and how to acquire it. You should also try to find out what the view of your school's FA people would be. From a financial aid point of view, there is probably a big difference between entering as an emancipated minor and being an upperclassman whose parents just don't feel like contributing any more. </p>

<p>I have the feeling that you would have to request emancipation based on "abuse." (I know one kid who made such claims--false, in that case--and achieved both emancipation and a full ride to an elite school, which was apparently the goal.) Your mother is probably not able to do the same in reverse; although it may be possible for her to declare you "incorrigible" and hand you over to youth authorities, I doubt that that is what you want!</p>

9

<p>Justbreathe:</p>

<p>It may well depend on the college. Some are more generous than others when families run into financial difficulties or when one parent refuses to pay his or her share of the cost.</p>

<p>Right now, it sounds as if things will blow over (until your mom is angry at you again). The issue is what happens when you turn 18. While your mom may not abandon you legally, she may refuse to pay and there is nothing you or the college could do to force her to do so. I agree with consolation that you should consult legal aid about emancipated status and the Finaid office about the repercussions of your obtaining such a status or your mom's refusal to continue footing the bill.</p>

10

<p>Justbreathe</p>

<p>It's hard to know the circumstances from a brief post but if you're going to be home for a month, would it be possible to get some counseling with your mother? A couple of sessions isn't much but perhaps it would help a little if you could address your mom's anger at you with some professional assistance.</p>

11

<p>Your mom may have a lot of life problems that have nothing to do with you but may be contributing to her anger towards you. I have the feeling she does love you or she wouldn't have let you go off to college and pay full tuition this year. As you said, you aren't sure she means what she says about legally separating. I know absolutely nothing about your situation, but sometimes it can help if you acknowledge any reason your mother may be disappointed in you. Everyone is imperfect.</p>

12

<p>Where's your dad justbreathe?</p>

13

<p>I'm not sure that a parent "threatening to withdraw tuition" support will qualify one for an increase in need based aid. To be honest, if that was all it took, there would be thousands and thousands of students whose parents simply would "withdraw" tuition support to increase their financial aid awards. </p>

<p>Agreed with the advice you have gotten to speak to a professional about what your options would be IF your mom does not contribute to your college expenses. While we all try to give accurate information here, we can't know (and don't want you to post) all of the critical information that you would need to provide to get the right answer.</p>

<p>But I will stick my neck out by saying that becoming an emanipated student for finaid purposes takes a LOT more than a parent simply refusing to contribute to your college costs.</p>

<p>Also, you don't mention your father in this post? Even if your parents are not married, many of these "expensive schools" require contributions and financial information from BOTH parents.</p>

14

<p>Brown has the smallest endowment among the Ivies...makes FA there a little less flexible...still, it is worth it to talk to the FA office and see what advice they can give you. Good luck!</p>

15

<p>Thank you for all of your help/advice. I'll definetly be talking to the FA office once I get back to school and yes, I'm home for a month except my mother doesn't believe in counseling or mental health.
She gets angry at me for lots of little things that I really don't know how to predict and it's difficult to cover all the bases. One issue is definetly my weight. I starved myself and had an eating disorder in high school to try to please her, but then I got scared of the way the eating disorder was controlling me. I tried to talk to my mom about it back then so that I could get help, but then she just screamed at me for being a freak and got even mor angry so I sought out help secretly on my own, recovered mostly and gained weight so she's really upset about my weight gain, but I don't really want to tackle dieting for a while lest I relapse again.</p>

<p>She's always angry at me. I've never gone a full week in many years without her blowing up at me(minus the time I was at college). She yelled at me daily for an hour in sophomore year, so I loaded up on a bunch of APs in junior year so that I could have the excuse of doing my homework till 2 in the morning(after she goes to sleep) so that she'd leave me alone so that was better because then she only yelled at me on weekends. There's very little substance to her yelling that indicates what I can do better. It's usually just along the lines of "I'm ashamed of you." ""You disgust me." "Everyone looks down on you." "You have no good qualities." "Nobody could ever love you. You're not worth loving." "Nobody likes you. Your friends are just using you." "I'm not proud of you. Don't think that just because you got into an Ivy I have any reason to be proud of you." etc. and often times it's unprovoked.</p>

<p>My father is divorced from my mother and is abusive and possibly alcoholic.</p>

16

<p>I'll just touch on part of this question -- what to do when your parents won't pay. First off, unless you find a wealthy relative somewhere, no one is going to rush in to cover all expenses for a college student who has well-to-do parents who won't pay. Sorry. You won't even be able to borrow enough money on your own from private sources to cover $40,000 a year in expenses (hi, Curmudgeon). Let me tell you how I dealt with this.</p>

<p>My parents separated near the end of my freshman year. The divorced when I was a sophomore. I went from, "If you get good grades, we'll pay for school" to "We can't afford it anymore." Besides dropping most of my classes my sophomore year -- the divorce was a serious disruption -- I paid for three years of college and two years of grad school myself. I went to a state college, not a private. I took a light course load so I could work, and made up for it by going to summer school. I lived with my mom and commuted to school so I didn't have to pay rent. I didn't go on "study abroad" programs. I didn't go skiing. I didn't spend spring break in Cabo. I worked 50-60 hours a week during winter break. I took a quarter off one year to work full time.</p>

<p>I'm not suggesting that I am morally superior for paying my own way through college. I would gladly have taken my parents' money. When you don't have a choice -- and it sounds like you don't -- you need to face reality squarely and do what it takes to get your education. You might not be able to afford the school you think you deserve, but that's just tough. One of the reason that most states fund a college system is to provide a reasonably-priced education to those who can't afford high-priced private schools.</p>

<p>And if you are thinking, "my state college stinks," I'll give you two thoughts. First, to a large extent you get out of education what you put into it. I learned a lot and had a great time at what was at the time a pretty mediocre university. Would I have had a better start in life at Stanford or Yale? Maybe, but since I didn't experience that, I don't miss it. Going to your state university is certainly better than ot going to college. Second, if you really hate your state colleges, do something about it. Move to a state with a first-rate flagship U (California, Virginia, Washington, Michigan, etc.), establish residency while you save some money working there, and then start working. It's not going to be as easy or as fast as when Mom was paying, but you can do it, and you might have a greater sense of self-worth than by doing whatever it takes to make dysfunctional Mom happy.</p>

<p>Good luck, and let us know how things work out.</p>

17

<p>Justbreathe, I think that WashDad gave excellent advice. Even if things turn out well at the end of break (your mother pays again), I think that it would be good to develop a "plan B". You'll then have a plan ready if/when your mother decides not to pay, or if you simply have enough of her and decide that tuition is not worth the emotional price you're paying. So as others have said, investigate financial aid/scholarships at your current school and also look into the logistics of transferring to either a state school or another LAC (lower tier) that might foot your bill.</p>

18

<p>It sounds like the problem lies with your mom (and your alcoholic dad). So coming home and attending local cc does not sound like a good option. See what the finaid folks say. Although Brown has a smaller endowment than other Ivies, it is by no means poor. Keep in mind, though, that your mom may be uttering empty threats as a way of expressing her anger at the world. It's unfortunate that you happen to be in the way as she does so.</p>

19

<p>Following up on Marite's point, what about spending some home vacation time in a bookstore, just reading all about how people learn to cope with verbal abuse, alcoholism, parent/child relationships as young adults..there are lots of self-help advice books. I spend a half-day like that reading. I never buy the books because usually each one has a main point you can "get" by scanning. </p>

<p>Meanwhile, as you sift this out, I recommend "emotional earplugs." Your Mom, as you describe her, sounds quite difficult to live around. I hope these are idle threats. You have my heartfelt sympathy if it sounds as you've described in your household. I'm sure someday you'll do better with your own family. Some of the wisest voices in Parents Forum, with good relationships with their own kids, describe some very difficult parents. BUt that's just a long-range view.</p>

<p>You said your Mom doesn't believe in counseling or mental health.
(Ayup, she doesn't believe in mental health..). BUt does she have a pastor, minister, priest...? They'd help, but it'd only work if she already listens to or respects him/her. </p>

<p>As well, does she have a friend from work, or a sister, cousin, ANYBODY you could meet for lunch to ask for some reality check as to what's really going on in her life...idle "angry" talk or real threat to your college finances? Sad thing is, I bet she lives an isolated social life, but just wanted to try that angle.</p>

<p>EDIT: Trying one more angle:

[quote]
My father is divorced from my mother and is abusive and possibly alcoholic

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Red flag. You might be buying your Mom's words about him l00 percent. Maybe it's time to explore if you can make a new, more adult bond with him. (Possibly alcoholic?
Says who? Mom? You'd know by now...). </p>

<p>I know plenty of kids raised by mouthy moms who berated the dads...and then when the kids grow up, they seek out the Dad and find some new common ground.</p>

<p>Do you know his phone number? Can you meet him for lunch? Hoping you might make a new, adult alliance with him. And don't even TELL her you're going to meet him. She doesn't own your opinion of him any more.</p>

20

<p>Thanks a lot for all of your help. I'm really just trying to figure out what all my options are and a plan no matter which way any of this goes. I don't want to be blindsided and left scrambling afterwards. I'm taking everything alll of you say into account and discussing with my friends my exact game plans so again, I really appreciate all the help. :)</p>

<p>@paying3tuitions: You're right about her being isolated. There's nobody to really turn to in regards to her and no adult figures in my life to turn to in times of need. In regards to my father, those opinions are mine alone, uncolored by her. She doesn't even know my opinions of him are that negative.</p>