With two of my kids I expressed gentle opinions, and with one I did not. It depends on personality in my view. This is potentially their first truly adult decision followed by many adult-like responsibilities to work hard and take care of things themselves, so I think it sets a tone. But some kids really want to talk it over, and some want a lot of space to think.
I got a table full of laughter when I answered this question at a dinner party, so I will try my luck here:
You make them come out of the dressing room to give your opinion before you will buy them a pair of pants, but you won’t give your opinion on one of the most important and expensive decisions of their life?
Not saying you should force your will on them, but my experience is that when advice is offered to teens sincerely, non-judgmentally and with good intent it is well taken.
If I had offered my opinion to my D15, she would have gone out of her way to do the opposite. With my S18, he values and appreciates my opinion a little more which makes me want to share but not influence. Those 2 things sometimes don’t go hand in hand.
Our kid asks for our opinions but he makes his decisions. Since I couldn’t see definite wrongs with either decision — and we had money saved up for a full pay at an expensive private school — I just gave him what I thought were pros and cons, and he made his decision. Almost free attendance to Honors College at OOS public college vs full pay at Stanford. But felt better after he got a scholarship to study language abroad for free during his gap year. I calculated the value of the language scholarship if we had to pay for it, and it came out at least $50k. His three main choices were:
- $13k per year to attend Honors College at OOS public college. Another Honors Program at another OOS offered 100% cost plus stipend.
- $40k per year to attend UCLA/Berkeley.
- $70k per year full pay to attend Stanford.
I really would have been fine with any choice he made. But one kind of funny reaction on my part after our kid chose to attend Stanford: I am saying to myself I better wear Stanford t-shirt I bought when I can because I am paying $70k per year to be able to wear it.
I was actively involved in my D’s college search, who is now a freshman in college, and I expect to be equally involved with the search my S (now a sophomore in HS).
The way we did it was that either of us could add suggestions to the list and either could suggest removal. We visited 10+ colleges that passed this initial screen (yes, I realize that is not an option for everyone, but it was very informative). She didn’t like Princeton’s rural setting, or Carnegie Mellon’s run-down campus, so they fell off the list. I had concerns about physical safety around Johns Hopkins, so that moved down lower.
In the end, D applied early to a few colleges all of which she would have happily attended, and I was willing to pay for. She was accepted to her first choice and very happy as a student there.
We’re very big on communication here. So school suggestions, pros and cons, ideas for improving odds and why she likes or dislikes certain things. She was recently deferred from her ED choice and we’ve talked a lot about that. It’s ongoing. She knows I believe there is more than one “right place” for college students and is open to that idea even though her ED school is still her first choice.
With my eldest, she made her own list of colleges. I looked at the attributes of those colleges and added one of my own that was a good value. All of the colleges would have been fine for her to attend. When we went over the costs of those schools, there was a bimodal distribution. I didn’t think any of the more expensive schools were worth it so she picked among the lower net costs school. She ended up picking the most expensive of those (which was the one I picked for her), but it was generous with IB Credits allowing her to graduate 1.5 years early.
With the younger, she kept comparing all of the other schools to one (that I had also suggested based on her desired attributes) so I said, why not just apply ED to that? She did, got in, and is loving it.
Of course I was part of the decision. We’re talking about a 16-17 year old kid making a $300k decision. I also gave my opinion on everything from the weather to the distance, from the fun things we saw or experienced and the not so pleasant things. In the end they could go anywhere we could make work financially, and I worked very hard to bring some schools in under the budget so those schools could stay on the short lists.
We weren’t terribly involved with kiddo’s college process as his boarding school has been in that business for a long time and didn’t need interference from us other than understanding any gating factors (FA need, religious requirements, if any, and any other restrictions). However, when the final choices were on the table, our kid chose a service academy–absolutely the worst option he had, the worst. We were vehemently opposed, but he turned 18 by the time appointments came out, so there wasn’t a damned thing we could do. We questioned the academic rigor and fit as well as the potential for death and a hundred other things, but it didn’t do a bit of good.
If service academies hadn’t been in the mix, we would have been thrilled with any of his other choices as they were all excellent and, in our opinion, perfect for him.
We discussed the pros and cons of each school, but the ultimate decision belonged to D.
Agree that once financial discussion took place, the final decision belonged to each of my d’s although we did share what we saw as the pros/cons and were happy with their final decisions/choices
My parents ultimately made my choice for me by refusing to contribute anything towards my college education. They even refused to give me money to pay the additional public transportation costs needed to attend my first choice CUNY school. I had to attend the school that was a 15 minute bus ride away because I needed to be able to work to pay for school.
With my kids, my limits were financial. I said I would pay the equivalent of a SUNY education and anything over that was on them. Unless they got into an Ivy (not happening with their work ethics in HS) or similar school, I was not going to take out any parent loans or re-mortgage my house. My D was accepted to a private school. The first year, the difference was about $6K, but I pointed out to her that she would need to multiply that by 4 and then add more because tuition, etc. goes up each year. She chose a SUNY school, where many of her friends still had to take out loans. She is 26 now, in the work force and thanks me frequently for encouraging her to go to a school where she was able to graduate without debt. My youngest son is now at a SUNY school as well. He will also come out without debt. There is lots to be said for that. My D was able to leave her chosen career of teaching and explore other options because she didn’t have student loan payments. I delayed having children and buying a home because I had the equivalent of $100K in today’s money in student loans.
Within those parameters, I took each of them to the SUNY center, where we met with an admissions person who helped them select suitable schools for them based on their interests, GPA, test scores, etc. Both of them wound up at a school on this list. My D loved her experience, my S is still a freshman, but he seems content. As far as visiting, neither visited their chosen school until they had been accepted. I just couldn’t handle college trips.
When I first saw this, I thought it was going to be a situation where the OP wanted to offer an opinion that might not be well received. However, it seems as though the OP’s child has asked for, and values, the opinion. So, I don’t think it is a problem to bring up any concerns.
We tried to set up a no lose situation – we talked about fit and finances before the lists were made. We set out our financial parameters, they talked about what they were looking for in a school and we together created lists and did research. Then when all the final offers came in, we were on the same page and were able to get through a decision with little drama or issue.
@Postmodern YES!!!
“I was curious if any of you voice your opinion(s) to your kids in helping them to make a final college selection. While the ultimate choice is their’s, if everything has come together as it should, do you interject with pros and cons or keep your thoughts to yourself?”
You can bet your a$$ we had a voice in helping them. But the final decision was theirs to make. (They made the right choices from their parents’ points of view. It wasn’t about money, even at that point. It was about fit.)
Fit and finances.
Your son must have done very well with college admissions if West Point or equivalent was his worst option.
OTOH, I bet it was not a common option for Choate HS grads.
This thread seems to pop up regularly.
We left the decision in the hands of both girls. D1 engaged in a slighty nerve wracking approach of applying to 1 school.
D2 applied to a bunch and it was interesting to watch her process which one she liked best. We discussions about the pros/cons of the final batch but we didn’t try to steer her in a particular direction.
In both cases, they got merit money that made the schools competitive with our state schools.
I know a lot of kids from prep schools or college prep high schools who chose service academies. Money was not an issue.