To the parents who are gracious enough to share wisdom from past experiences, what advice would you give to other parents who have seniors in the midst of deciding where to go to college? Fortunately, our son has choices, so my thought was to attend accepted students’ weekends/days with him, ask questions, encourage, hug (when he lets me! LOL), and allow him to decide how he makes his decision after all scholarship offers/acceptances/rejections have come in. I guess I’m asking for parents to look back and say, “If I were to experience this again, I would…” Thanks in advance for your support.
Your plan sounds good to me.
After making clear at the outset what we could afford so there were no misunderstandings and disappointments, I’d talk to my child about his options. If invited to go to accepted student days, I’d go. (Are parents always invited? IDK). I would also do a lot of listening. Listen to what he says, what his friends say. I see the choice of college as my kid’s choice once I have set the financial parameters. Ask questions, including of him, to make him think.
I have only been through it once. The second time is around the corner. For child one, we did go to a special event the school held for accepted students, but we stayed over at the parent events and let our kid have his student experience. We got behind his choice 100%, bought him a sweatshirt, etc. We were excited about his choosing dorms, orientation dates, etc. We will see how it goes for child two. I expect him to have a few radically different choices.
I am supporting “The Decision,” but I’ve already told my kid that he should not hold a public event to announce that he is taking his talents to South Beach.
My son visited some schools before applying, some during the audition process, and some again after acceptance. He had some awesome choices and really agonized over his decision. I (maybe not so subtly) nudged him toward the school I felt was the best “fit” for him, financially, socially, geographically, etc. My husband (being an engineer) made up spreadsheets with him and came up with a “point system” for deciding. He ended up at the school that both of us (not so secretly) hoped he would attend. He is thrilled with his decision, but I can see that he would probably have been equally as happy at any of his other choices. Relax and enjoy this time with your son. It can be a time of real bonding.
We were prepared to discuss any decisions D had to make concerning where to attend. Our requirement was that it meet certain financial criteria. In the end it came down to 4 schools and the decision was easy. We actually had an accepted students day scheduled then the FA package to her desired school came in and made that school cheaper than all but 1. She was happy, we were ecstatic, all was good. The school we may have had some contention over did not accept her. Mom and Dad were happy (we mostly kept this to ourselves), D was mildly disappointed.
We actually didn’t do much of anything. Once our kids had all of their acceptances, they made a decision. We sent the deposit. No hoopla at all.
If they asked us a question, we answered, but we didn’t volunteer anything that wasn’t asked of us.
Both of our kids made a list of pros and cons, and both told us later that it didn’t help in the final decision one but because they had both done this prior to even applying. Each went where they felt they would have a good four years.
Both made good decisions.
So…what would I do? Absolutely nothing…until the decision is all made. Then say congratulations and order a hoodie.
My daughter chose her list of colleges to apply to. When all the decisions had come in, there was a bimodal distribution of net cost. I asked her to remove the two high priced schools from her list, and I knew any of the 4 remaining schools would be fine. If I had serious concerns I think I would have talked to her before she applied.
Fortunately, the best school gave the best money, but if that hadn’t unfolded, I might have been involved more in weighing cost and academic quality. We had discussed money along the way, but the spread on scholarship was very significant.
Both of mine applied to schools we could not afford, with that understanding. When they were accepted, we cheered and went to dinner and celebrated that affirmation. And when the acceptance for the safety school (financial safety, personal safety) came in, we ordered a shirt and ceremonially burned all of the accumulated college flyers that had arrived in previous months. The choice was always up to them. I was honest in my love affair with various glossy brochures and spiffy visits, but it was done with good humor and we all understood that they had to choose, not us.
I wish one of mine had chosen differently, but he had solid reasons and I trusted him to know his own heart. I think the biggest key to success is to not look backward or what-if, and emphasize you are looking for a match, not some status symbol. Parents need to recognize when they are in love with a school, and either fess up or get over it.
If you have more than one, consider that the decision you make for the first will impact the following siblings. Of course kids are different, but if they are all overachieving types, you can’t send one to this amazing school then send the next to a cheaper alternative because you spent too much on the first. Plan accordingly so it is fair and evenly distributed.
As other parents have alluded to, do the NPC and affordability calculations before they get their mind set on the one great school that you can’t afford. We made a reasonable list, and the colleges that D1 applied to were all within our financial means and so this wasn’t an issue for her during decision time.
She hashed it out back and forth, made a pros and cons list, and also talked with her uncle to have a sounding board away from mom and dad. We just were waiting with deposit money in hand once she finally decided! It was an empowering moment for her and a fun day.
Stay calm, because it will help your child if you’re not freaking out when he or she is freaking out. And don’t offer unsolicited advice.
Assuming financial aid is important to you – I found it very helpful to make a spreadsheet after all awards were in that showed a cost breakdown for each school – how much we would have to pay directly for tuition, how much the student would need to take out in loans, how much the student was expected to earn in work-study. I created bar charts that made it very easy to compare – and counted the loans + work study as “you pay” rather than “you get”. Just looking at the charts made it pretty easy to know which schools to drop from the list – we weren’t necessarily going for the cheapest – but it’s one thing if dream school costs $5000 more per year than pudunk U, quite another if the price differential is $30K per year. And of course if you are deciding among very similar colleges, then even a relatively modest marginal difference might be the deciding point.
That will also help a lot with understanding and making sense of all the various awards, because that can also be quite confusing.
My d had a first choice. However, given the low probability of admission to her dream school, we visited colleges in 4 countries. I took her to the ones I know in the US and Canada (she liked my alma matter, Oberlin, but said “definitely not for me”) then she applied to the ones she preferred, i.e. I gave her a range of choices that she herself made. Her mom did the same in the UK and she applied to one in France as well. In the end, we chose the UK because, as EU residents, it would cost about 1/3 what it would to get a BA in the US, though it also was the best fit and she did get her dream choice.
Once all the acceptances and aid packages came in, my kid was down to two schools. A had been the clubhouse leader throughout and was full pay. B was a dark horse with a great scholarship. Since there was a $100k price difference between the two, we asked that the kid re-visit those schools over spring break before making a decision. Especially since A was the first college visit the kid had made 18 months before.
School B emerged as the one after those revisits.
We did exactly what you did. Visited her top 3 schools (HER view of top 3 choices) accepted student weekends. D2 changed her mind after those visits, too. She was quiet for a few days, then came downstairs and said she wanted to go to the school that had been #3 on her list going into the visits. I gave her a BIG hug, and sent her off across the country in the fall to that school. She is a very happy sophomore now, and I am glad (1) we did accepted student visits, and (2) we did not push or prod her at all in any direction during or after those visits and left it up to her. I will say that we had already vetted her initial college list for cost, quality of program, etc.
Your stories help so much. It’s a tough time navigating this process with your first child. We have very opinionated grandparents whose words he values very much, and we have taught him to respect them. Now that he’s 18, he wants to be independent from us and from them. As he should be. Last night, he said to one feisty grandma, “I love you and appreciate you giving me your opinion. Please respect that this is my decision and support me as I make it.” She took a moment, smiled and nodded. Maybe we’re getting somewhere. As for me, I just need to take the wonderful advice given above…relax…let him decide…then buy the hoodie! Truly, I have learned so much from each of you. Thank you.
Your D sounds like a very mature young man…I love when kids this age are able to advocate for themselves all the while remaining respectful, especially with elders.
Defending one’s decision to other family members may be one of the hardest ones, especially if grandparents are contributing to the college fund and expect to have their input weighted accordingly. I think it’s like announcing your baby’s name: wait until the kid is born and then tell people the name, rather than invite opinion beforehand. No name meets with universal approval, but it’s harder to slam a name when it’s already chosen (although, come to think of it, my brother-in-law did!).
We had to tell the grandparents that we were not going to discuss the college application process any more with them when they got too intrusive and insistent on what colleges D2 SHOULD apply to and attend. We told them we would let them know where she decided to attend once it was finalized, and that is what we did. Good for your son to stand up for his right to make his own decision, since his are still in the mix of the discussion. They had initially never heard of the college D2 picked, but they have since heard from several of their friends more 'in the know" on colleges these days what a great school it is, and now they are (ironically) big boosters and think it is perfect for her.