DS is our first to college and was reluctant to make a decision. I think he was concerned about cost but wanted a school that was best able to help him reach his long term goal. I told him that I had run the numbers and he could go to his current school if he wanted it and all the challenges that come with it - far, harsh winters, less trips home. DH was leaning toward a local public university based on costs but I knew DS was seeking to stretch. DS is a good kid who is reluctant to grab something for himself.
I added schools to DS application list to be sure he had options. Our DD1 will be a senior next year and I think I will have to do her whole list. DD2 follows two years later and she has accepted that she should apply at schools beyond one dream school. I think they are scared and appreciate understanding guidance. They know I am considering their goals and personalities in what I suggest.
I visited colleges with my kids and did a lot of research on their behalf. When the app lists were in (one mom-pick on each) I said any that were $x cost could be chosen. S chose from a final 2, D chose from a final 4. Both actually took the lowest cost school, in both cases that was also the first choice.
For S I did write to the first choice and leverage the second choice offer because the FA was better…first choice school matched it.
My daughter and I worked on her list. All were schools she felt she would be happy with. Merit was essential, and the best merit offer school is where she attends. She is doing well there, and very happy with the outcome academically, socially and financially.
Were your college searches delegated into ‘payer’ and ‘goer’ responsibilities? We just kind of did things, talked about them, discarded some schools, etc.
My kids were 16-17. I could guide them away from schools I couldn’t afford or toward others that I thought were a better fit. If either kid had an idea or request to look into a school, I tried to make it happen. If that school was Cal or USC, I redirected.
Our 2nd son vacillated heavily between 2 schools. It went down to the 11th hour and then some. Thought it would drive me crazy.
I had a feeling of what was best in the big scheme of things. We tried to let him make the final call, but I did give him my sincere impressions. And we loved things about both schools. Ultimately he made the choice, though, and has been very happy.
I think as long as you let him know that you will respect and support him in either decision, and that both schools could work out fine, you can let him know your thoughts. JMO.
Our daughter did not want to go to school in state, so we started our visits freshman year. Our opinion was given after the visit. If we thought a school wasn’t worth the tuition, we said it. She agreed and it got taken off the list. She settled on a school at the end of freshman year- it was known for her major, cheapest OOS and in a location that she wanted to live after school. We asked her to find one in state school just in case she changed her mind about being far away. She applied to both and was accepted to both. There was no discussion about her final decision- we knew which one she was choosing.
If she was debating, we would have a discussion, help her make a pro and con list, but in the end it would be her decision.
OP I think you said that you were concerned that if you expressed your opinion that he’d be unduly influenced by it. I like the idea that someone else gave about him listing pros and cons for each. You could then review that list and add some pros/cons that he didn’t list, and then you talk about each of those factors so he can hopefully reach his own conclusions.
In the month since I started this thread, we have hashed out the pros and cons, talked at length about fit and compared all apples to apples. Son has made a great choice and we couldn’t be prouder of how he came to his decision. Barring an acceptance to his reach school in a few weeks, he is excited about the opportunites in front of him.
I have opinions but we both decide what gets on the list of prospective schools. If it is too far away or too expensive for us I just tell them. I have a good relationship with my kids and we talk about the pros and cons. For instance, if you get sick or just need a break from your roommate, it is not easy to come home if you are 8 hours away. So, it is a plus when you are 3-4 hours away. If the college is reasonably priced, then you may get to take your car there etc. the cost is a big deal and my kids know that there are three of them so it is a big deal if they get a scholarship or attend a state school v. a private school.
Great to hear OP. For reference, I learned to hash out my first thoughts out with my spouse so as not to overwhelm the poor kid, because as a crazy parent on CC, I have a lot of thoughts. I’ll drop a few hints now and then as we near the end, but earlier in the search we’d have talks about finding good fits. I leave space enough for the kid to make final choices though.
We had our say in the application selection process. The kids couldn’t apply anywhere outside the budget unless there was a strong chance of merit aid. We discussed pros and cons heavily junior year. When it came to final decision for eldest, we left her alone about it as really, everything had been said. With our current senior, it’s pretty much the same. There aren’t any schools off the table financially and we are comfortable with him wherever. It’ll be his call.