<p>I'm really getting so burned out lately. The last two weeks have been a roller coaster for me in terms of feeling motivated vs. having no idea where I'm going in life and why I'm even trying. I'm only a sophomore in high school, and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. This is completely normal, yet many of my friends know exactly what they want to do. Me, I have about 5 things I think I might like, but I don't know for sure. What I want to do changes by the day, even by the hour. Yet I'm pushing myself so hard in both academics and extracurriculars. There's really no point in me listing what I've done; it's irrelevant. I jast have no idea why I'm trying so hard. </p>
<p>That's rambling off topic. </p>
<p>I had what wasn't really an argument, but a moment of extreme frustration earlier. There's this program I decided to apply to for this summer. It looked really awesome and is at these great colleges. There are a couple essays on the application, and I've been struggling with one of them. If it were an interview, I would absolutely ace it. I know everything I should about it. I'm just having such a hard time articulating it on paper. I'm trying to keep it focused and rather than just regurgitate facts just explain why they are important. But the challenge there is that the importance of many of the things is quite obvious, and I also don't want to point out the obvious. Once again, getting off topic. She's angry at me because it's taken me so long and she thinks that I should use the same essay from another program I applied to and fix it up to make it more relevant. I can't do that, because this other essay was for a business program and was on the topic of outsourcing. This program is about politics, the particular thing I want to do there is con law, and outsourcing had absolutely nothing to do with con law. My issue is also in the fact that the essay does not at all reflect my interest in politics or history, something the prompt explicitly called for. It shows an interest in business, which I ironically don't have at all. I did it because she told me to apply to that program because it's really prestigious. My true interest is in politics and history, and my knowledge and understanding of it is really pretty good. I don't mean that at all to brag, it's just my best and by far favorite subject.</p>
<p>She then continued to tell me that if I don't want to do this, she has no reason to spend the money and I might as well save the time and not write the essay (I really do want to attend this program. It's a chance for me to go study a very interesting thing to me at one of the most prestigious and beautiful campuses. Not to mention the weather there will be much better than here). She also said that if I want to do this, then it's on me and I have every reason to write the essay (Touche). What made me the most angry though is that she said that no matter what I choose, I will not be spending the summer sleeping in until noon and watching sports until the end of the day.</p>
<p>That set me off for a couple reasons. One, sleeping until noon is a complete exaggeration and something I do extremely rarely. I physically cannot sleep past 10:30 under normal circumstances. Two, believe me and I would know better than anyone else, that I do not want to waste my summer. I really do want to learn.</p>
<p>But what if I do want to just chill out over the summer? Haven't I earned it? For most of my friends, the only work they will do over the summer is their summer reading which many of them will put off until the last two weeks of vacation. Why do they deserve a vacation and not me, who (not that bitter about this because I take on the work myself) works much harder than any of them? So many of them do the minimum and live for a B, but a B for me is really pretty disappointing. </p>
<p>It's not like if I don't do something this summer I won't get into college. There are tons of colleges bombarding me with mail already. I'm completely confidant that my stats on paper and ECs will get me somewhere really good. So it's not like this is life and death here. </p>
<p>I recognize that it is her job as a parent to push me. I just don't really appreciate it. </p>
<p>Supposing I was a B student. Sometimes I pulled off an A, occasionally slacked off and got a C. I'm likely headed to one of the smaller state schools (no plight against them, I'm not too too maniacal about prestige, but unfortunately a little bit. I do recognize they are very good for many people). Would she (and I keep referencing she because it is mainly my mom who is pressuring me. My dad is the one that tells me he's proud of me and sees how hard I'm working. He has no idea how far that goes) still push me this much? If I'm a B student, I'm not exactly a failure, but no overachiever either. Would I be subjected to even more pressure to follow in my sisters footsteps, who graduated second and third in their classes and got into the schools of their choice? Would they be disappointed in me and look at me as the failure? I have no idea. But I think it might be a little nice to be like that. No spectacular expectations, so nothing is too disappointing. I sure would have a lot more time for myself. I would have a lot more fun. But then, I remember that I've been blessed to be smart and have these opportunities. I should be thankful that I will likely have my choice of career paths. I really don't know where I'm going with this anymore. </p>
<p>Another thought as to the cause of the pressure. The last couple of weeks a lot of the programs I've talked about centered around law. My mom is a lawyer, and she tells anyone with a brain to consider law. I know she thinks I should seriously consider law and blah blah blah. I am considering it. The last week or so it's been at the top of the list of things I want to be. Whatever.</p>
<p>One more grievance. If I come home with, say, an 83 on a test (which isn't that common. This year I've had I think 3 tests that were below a B+) she always asks what I could have done differently to prepare. Do I feel the teacher taught the material? What will I do next time. Please shut up. I put a ton of pressure on myself already. I don't need that. When I get a bad grade, I recognize it's nobody's fault but mine. Last week, I had a big bio test on a really hard thing (which is in fact what she said, I suppose). I didn't really study much and definitely not as much as I should have. I also chose to stay up until 1:30 to see the end of the Syracuse UConn 6OT game (big Cuse fan, wasn't gonna miss it). The next day, I took the test. Didn't feel too good about it. I did a lot of BSing and educated guessing. There were quite a few questions, even some essays, that I flat out didn't know anything about. I came home and told her I didn't think I did so hot, and I got all the normal questions. I was especially POed because she didn't even hang up the phone to talk to me (that's an entirely different story). But I already recognized that I made some perhaps unwise decisions in my studying, and it wouldn't happen again. I got lucky and got the third highest grade, but it really lit a fire under me. </p>
<p>Well, completely doubt anyone read all that, but thanks for reading some. It felt really good for me to write all this. I'm up way past my bed time, but there is no use in going to be anyway, I wasn't going to sleep. </p>
<p>I really feel so much better now. I just needed to tell someone about this. Strangers are quite OK. </p>
<p>Anyone else ever feel that way?</p>