Parental Role in College Choice -- Personal Input

Parents Forum
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<p>I’m not sure I understand the situation. I know of a number of situations where a school was simply not right for a student and the parent decided to intervene. It could be that the finances are not working out, the grades are not working out, the housing options are not working out, the student is in trouble. A friend of our pulled her D out of a college after she got into some issues. Had the school been HPY or another school near and dear to the parents’ hearts, they might have put up with the problems and given another chance, but they were not hot on the school anyways and felt that what happened was just the tip factor to make it not worth spending their money for. </p>

<p>But if all is going well, and the student is happy, and the finances are working out, I think a parent is foolish to pull the plug. It’s great to have a kid who is enjoying a doing well at college, any college and to take that for granted is really being spoiled in my opinion. I would give up a heck of a lot to have my kid in that situation.</p>

22

<p>I can’t imagine anywhere my son could have gone for a second semester freshman year that was not infinitely inferior to any of his choices for the fall. </p>

<p>As it happens, we did let our kid make the decision about what college to attend, he went with his gut, and as it’s played out I think his gut was right. (Don’t think it was my gut, I was leaning to the other school that was in serious contention!) He’s having the adventure of his life doing winter break research in a part of the world I’ve always wanted to travel mostly on the college’s dime. He’s been stretched and challenged and grown up in ways I never anticipated.</p>

23

<p>Having read the responses so far, just wanted to say I can’t imagine sending my child to dream school and after a semester of attendance, insisting the student withdraw unless there was academic failure, major change in finances that made the school unaffordable or some other extraordinary situation. I think that if the parent finds a certain school under consideration to be unacceptable or highly undesirable it would be better to eliminate that school from consideration than to have the student attend and then pull him/her out after making good grades.</p>

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<p>Having read numerous past posts from the OP on the music board, it seems that her son is not at dream school, because fin. aid did not come through. She has been unhappy with his choice from day one (just read through history), although it is unclear what has been going on there that could be so bad.</p>

<p>Whether or not the son was happy at his school is not clear either. It has sounded from the beginning as if mother was the one who did not approve of the choice.</p>

<p>Hopefully, both of them will be happier at the choice that begins this semester. OP could not have gone for four years with that degree of unrest, but one only hopes that her son won’t rebel against what sounds like a unilateral decision.</p>

25

<p>hmm … certainly don’t have enough info from the OP to make any kind of comment on their family situation.</p>

<p>I’m basically through 2 of 3 college searches and both kids have gone with gut reactions … both of which were contrary to what my preference was for them … and after some discussion with them about their gut reactions their choices actually align with their preferences and desires … and most importantly, in ways or on dimensions, that my kids knew themselves better than I knew them.</p>

<p>And looking back at disagreements or misunderstandings I had with my parents at the root often was their “knowing” why I wanted to do something but actually not understanding the situation from my perspective.</p>

<p>So for my family the kid’s gut reaction almost always wins over the parents … since in my experience the kid knows themself better than the parent … and hopefully we have a good enough relationship to tlak through the disagreement</p>

<p>(PS - we’ve been lucky that we’re not dealing with any extreme or unsual circumstances … more typical choice A versus choice B type situations)</p>

26

<p>PS again.</p>

<p>My first parental lesson in this was when my son quit playing soccer … Mom3togo and I almost had heart attacks from the shock as did the soccer coaches in town (SecondToGo was in 7th grade at the time but I heard from the HS coach). Talked to SecondToGo about the decision and his thoughts went something like this … “I like soccer OK but I mostly played to play with my friends … and now everyone takes it too seriously and not as many of my friends are on the team … so I’d rather try something else.” I’d coached and watched the kid play over 150 soccer games and NEVER would have guessed that motivation for his play … my first best lesson that as a parent I WILL NOT assume I know why my kids do what they do … and that their reasons for what they do are the ones that count.</p>

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<p>Thanks to all for your thoughts, insights, and opinions. What makes CC wonderful is that you hear from all sides and can formulate responses accordingly.</p>

<p>If I may…to JHS who said that my original post cannot be trusted, I would simply say that there would be no reason for me to share what I clearly called “personal” perspectives if they were not true. </p>

<p>To pizzagirl … the initial reaction was based upon my overall impressions of everything I saw, heard, and experienced. It was more than one setting that caused me to react but rather numerous exposures. Over the years, my gut has guided me well and while an initial gut reaction to anything <em>can be</em> unwise, in this situation, it was spot-on.</p>

<p>To intparent … you are partially correct in that music was the goal (albeit not performance). And I am not heavily invested in my child’s success related to the major – it could be accounting, biology, or language. I am far from a “Broadway parent” and have always told my child that it is his choice what to pursue in college and in life. Rather, I am invested in continuing to guide where guidance is needed and in this situation, it was.</p>

<p>To allmusic … you are correct – this was not the dream school. And even if it was and situations unfolded as they did, my gut would still have kicked into gear and changes would be made.</p>

<p>And to everyone else (don’t want to overwhelm everyone) – there were safety issues involved (external vs. my child doing something) and whether some may call me a helicopter parent or not, safety is a non-negotiable for me. Yes, I know that there are issues that emerge at all colleges – urban, suburban, rural – and that college students need to learn to maneuver through all of life’s situations. This being said, I simply wanted to express my “personal” perspectives to parents who may be struggling with whether to intervene, go with their gut, and make a change.</p>

<p>And in terms of any spring semester being a step down, sometimes in life you have to step back to step forward. </p>

<p>Thanks to all again.</p>

28

<p>That post was still far too ambiguous to draw any real insight…</p>

29

<p>I’m still not sure what happened.</p>

<p>Is it that</p>

<ol>
<li><p>You never liked your child’s college choice all along. Your child had an unsatisfactory experience during the first semester and wanted to leave the college. You worked with your child to develop a viable plan for doing something else during the spring semester and finishing college elsewhere.</p></li>
<li><p>You never liked your child’s college choice all along. During the first semester, the child’s experience at the college was unsatisfactory from your point of view (not your child’s point of view). You insisted that your child do something else during the spring semester and finish college elsewhere.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>I see no problem with #1 but plenty of problems with #2.</p>

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<p>Can’t really “hear from all sides” about this issue as we don’t know what it is. Safety is essential but everyone has a different sense of what it means. If it’s so important to keep so much private I’m not sure why post it at all. For me, in a situation where I felt strongly that my child was in the wrong place, if the child disagreed with that, there would be lots of talking involved, lots of back and forth, trying to understand and be understood, trying to find ways to resolve my discomfort and be sure the kid was thriving. Obviously if the child was in imminent danger, I’d act immediately, but it’s hard to imagine what such a danger might be.</p>

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<p>I am going to assume that something happened during that first semester that made paying for that college not worthwhile to the parent. That is truly the parent’s choice. A personal one, I might add. </p>

<p>A friend of mine found herself in a quandrey when her daughter’ apartment mate withdrew from school mid year. It was a big mess, but the parents of the roommate, and my friend agreed, felt that their daughter was not safe at the school due to a stalking issue that had arisen and some frightening episodes that made it clear that there would be little or no protection from the situation. The parents forced their daughter to withdraw by refusing to pay for the second term tuition and costs to go to the school. The girl spent a term commuting to a college and then applying to a whole different school. Had the parents not insisted, the girl would have stayed at her initial college.</p>

<p>So yes, situations do arise. Sometimes a student finds him/herself in a bad situation that is untenable to the parent. </p>

<p>But short of extreme situations, I feel strongly that if the kid is doing well and is happy there, it is as good as it gets. I wouldn’t have chosen as any of my kids did in terms of colleges.</p>

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<p>Thanks cptofthehouse…you fundamentally hit the nail on the head. When situations of this nature arise (i.e. safety) – and while not exactly as you stated, this situation had similar overtones – a decision is warranted. Add this to building concerns and it was a no brainer. Again, thanks for all your perspectives and hope my “personal” perspective may be of help to some who find themselves in a similar situation.</p>

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<p>What situation? Your “personal” account is so lacking in specifics of any kind that it’s impossible to apply to other situations–we don’t even know if your kid had any input or not. So far, we just know that he didn’t go to Berklee. I can only conclude that your son’s decision to study music composition at Southern Somalia State Seafaring College of the Fine Arts has proven to be too dangerous after all the pirate activity. </p>

<p>In seriousness, from earlier posts it seems like you had reservations because you felt like you had been lied to by people attempting to draw your child to this school, and then considered stopping him days before leaving, and now there are safety issues with the school (were these present before? Is this just icing on the cake?). It’s hard to draw much of a conclusion from anything. Way to go with your gut, I suppose. I hope it works out.</p>

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<p>I’m just as clueless as I was almost 12 hours ago when I first posted . Hope it all works out.</p>

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<p>

</p>

<p>We can’t take this as advice because we don’t know how your choice will turn out. </p>

<p>Maybe five years from now you can come back and discuss whether you were or were not justified in choosing to follow your gut.</p>

36

<p>The affirmation you seek here for 'trust your gut" isn’t forthcoming because a gut can lead you down a wrong path as readily as a brain or spreadsheet can. </p>

<p>If I put on my thinking cap, do a ton of research, use all my analytical skills…and then cancel my child’s second term, within 72 hours, for some unmentionable reason, why should i expect affirmation here for being a “deep thinker”?</p>

37

<p>I agree, this post is pretty confusing. It’s not really clear if we’re talking about an enrolled student, or just an applicant, not sure what the situation is (is the child unhappy? was there some kind of disciplinary action taken by the school? have you tried discussing your concerns with school officials/having your child discuss those concerns?) or what exactly it is you plan to do next. Are you pulling the kid from school? Do you have a good back up plan for how to deal with this (transferring, etc.) and is the kid on board with that? Asserting your rights as a parent is all well and good, but if you have an 18 year old whose already been at college a semester, you might find them much less interested in what your gut has to say, particularly when it doesn’t seem like you’re showing a lot of respect and consideration for their wishes/thoughts/feelings (which may be exactly opposite, it’s just not clear here) and much less willing to go along with your next plan. I might find out what they want before going forward. Your kid does not necessarily get to have full control of everything just because they turn 18, but I think 18 year olds should be treated differently and with more respect for their own guts and their own decision making capabilities than young children.</p>

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<p>A lot depends on what the safety issue is–it’s one thing if the kid is in a den of heroin dealers, it’s something else if Mom thinks the new piano teacher is making him stress his thumbs too much.</p>

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<p>From prior thread: “urban environment late at night” + “long commute” characterize the chosen school attended last term. </p>

<p>From this thread: “safety issue”</p>

40

<p>If the OP is pulling the plug because the student is unable to do this and needs an “excuse” then I think the parent if playing the right role of working within the child’s plan. If parent is unilaterally making the decision against the desires of the student then they are playing with fire, unless of course there is real danger.
One of my kids was frequently going into an area known for heavy gang violence/ drive by shootings because there was a good facility there. I expressed my strong concern (often) but it wasn’t until he felt scared after an incident that we both researched other options in alternative neighborhoods. It did cost more and wasn’t as good but it was a learning experience for sure. I don’t think I could have forbidden him to go there.
Does it have to be an all or nothing choice? Can’t modifications be made to make the situation work? From difficult situations comes growth. IMO, it is critically important for young adults to learn how to make things work, the parent can be the best in guiding the thinking process and planting the seeds. You do not want to be responsible for an adult who can’t make and trust their own choices.
This of course would be if I was perfect -realizing a situation is unhealthy and then figuring out the best way to change things is a skill that I still am working on and haven’t quite mastered yet.</p>