<p>The OP does not want to tell us what the situation is that make him/her not want to have the student at that school. If ANY parent feels that it is not worth it for ANY reason to pay for a school, it is that person’s business. Any of us may disagree with the reasons. What one parent finds compelling may not be the case to another. Maybe the reason is such that nearly none of us agree. But it is a personal decision. No sense trying to guess what the reason is since it could be anything. </p>
<p>I’m sure that it was a painful decision regardless of how sure the parent feels. It is not an easy thing to do even with good reason. I would really hate to do it even if I knew it was the right decision.</p>
<p>^ I agree with you, but if you want to keep your business to yourself, you probably shouldn’t post on a public forum seeking validation/affirmation for your choice to follow your own wishes in this area. If you feel it’s not worth it, fine, but others may not agree with you if they don’t understand what’s going on. If you don’t want to share, fine, but you should probably then have forgone the thread altogether.</p>
<p>I agree, in that there are many situations where the majority of parents would think you were not warranted. Yes, the OP has the right as anyone paying has the right to pull support for any reason, for no reason. The big question is, at what points is it considered something a parent should do? Won’t know that without the details.</p>
<p>Most of the parents on this board are cost conscious and put a lot of responsibility on the heads of their kids in terms of having to live up to their end of the deal to get college funds. If a kid is not getting the grades, getting in trouble, dropping classes, etc, most of us here have been quick to say, “whoa, there. Funds are pulled. Come home and regroup before we pay for you.” But if the kid is doing his end, most of us do have a hands off policy. So safety can be a very broad term from getting what we consider sub par housing to having a stalker or other issue that would universally be considered a serious risk. Unless we know the details, we can’t really tell if we think a situation is that of an overcontrolling parent or something most reasonable parents would do.</p>
<p>From past posts, my “gut” says that this parent does not want to give details because her actions do not hold up well to closer scrutiny. I think Marian’s #2 in post 29 is what is going on here. The safety issue probably is related to the commute. Emilybee in post #49, you hit the nail on the head. Notice that the OP has NOT given any details regarding her son’s perspective on this change. I bet she is looking for validation here because she is not feeling a lot of love from him on what she has done.</p>
<p>But there’s not enough information to give validation or criticism. Just not a whole lot of point in posting, IMO. I need to quit looking at this thread!</p>
<p>Yes, but if you review previous threads started by the OP regarding her son’s college choice, the motivation for the thread (and likely scenarios) become clearer.</p>
<p>My thoughts exactly about parent’s “gut” for the final college choice. My son’s
“new choice,” as of a few days ago, is to attend a poorly-rated local Bible College instead of attending one of his 3 already-accepted (by parent) choices:
(1) large OH state school 3 hrs from home; (2) local Liberal Arts college; &
(3) well-known all-male LAC in INdiana. Now he thinks that all-male school will be “too-gay” (not the case!), & 3-hr away state university is too much a “party school” (too much noise). He’s convinced that only the local Bible College is THE place for him to attend (so his couple of friends tell him), yet we haven’t even visited this school yet! Also it’s not recommended (nor on the lists) of US News/Forbes/Princeton Review, etc. There’s also a financial angle: excellent scholarships from the 3 schools already accepted into, but Bible College only gives scholarships to those of their “persuasion” (we’re not of same
denomination), & Bible College is doctrine-based (all faculty are members of same Church, which we don’t belong to). I’m heartbroken that my son won’t listen to me since I will ultimately pay for college (within reason). In this case, should I let my son make the choice, or should I (as “Bad Mom”) advise otherwise (leaning toward one of the other 3 schools)? We’ve visited 13 campuses in last 3 years, so it’s not a matter of no choices or price/tuition. Also ideally I wanted my son to live on a campus (residence hall or frat-house environment), but now he says he wants to “live at home” & commute to local Bible School. What’s wrong with this picture? I had 4 years in a dorm (happily) at a mid-size OH state univ with sorority/on-campus activities. He’s usually an out-going guy (makes new friends easily), but now Son is backtracking (it’s “His way i.e., God’s way, or the highway” for son & college decision). I (as Mom) don’t want to be badgered into a poor decision for college. Also Bible College’s costs equal the state college & LACs which he’s already been accepted to. If we were Mormon (& we’re not) & son wanted to attend Brigham Young, I’d be fine with that, but this case is we’re Presby-USA & he wants to attend local (non-denominational,
founded in 1924/low endowment) Bible College (not a good career choice with limited majors offered). Mom is frantically tearing her hair out since May 1st (date of college-deposit) is fast-approaching! Should I (Mom) prevail in this choice?</p>
<p>Considering the issue of parent agreeing beforehand (before applications went out last fall 2010) & before acceptances came in late 2010 for 3 colleges that my son initially wanted to apply to/attend in Fall 2011: I agree that where a parent says “no” to a particular school (like I did last November 2010) is the way to handle this issue; but my son now thinks otherwise. The poorly-accredited local Bible School where he now wants to apply to/attend this fall is a rolling admissions/as low as 14 ACT (acceptances are as easy as walking into the Admissions’ Office/90%) vs. his excellent out-of-town choices (one of the top all-male IN schools, where I’d like him to attend, & is most competitive with 49% acceptance rate & excellent career opportunities). But now Son wants to “stay home,” not live in a dorm/frat-house, & go to a poor-choice college.
He didn’t even apply to my Alma Mater State univ nor his Dad’s univ, nor other possibilities except for my prodding him last fall to fill out applications (he was lackadasical about the whole process). I want Son to be excited about attending college & getting a good education, but do I relent & let him attend a college with a very low $$$ endowment (may or may not be in business in 5 years if Bible College doesn’t double their population), &/or should I (Mom) prevail on ultimate decision? My son has excellent scholarship opportunities to attend the other 3 schools (since we’re done FAFSA/Profile), but to throw this all away due to his “wanting to follow the Lord’s calling”? If we were Catholic & if were wanting to go into the Priesthood, that would be another thing, but we’re not Catholic. Instead we’re Presby & son wants to attend a non-denominational Bible College (I’d rather he major in Religion at Wabash, IN)!
In the end, Mom controls the purse-strings/costs, so should I trump son’s decision & possibly make him misable (he could always transfer & possibly make a more sound decision after a year at one of other 3 choice-colleges)?</p>
<p>I don’t know Banjolady. That’s a tough call. Ultimately, it’s your money and your decision to pay or not to pay for whatever course of action your kids or anyone wants. I don’t know where I would draw the line. </p>
<p>My neighbor’s daughter wanted to transfer (really quit college and go to) a cullinary school after one year at a university. The cost to go to the program was even more than the state school, and the parents had a number of misgivings, but decided that if this was what their D thought she wanted to do, she could have a go at it. She went for a year and decided, she did not like that either, and then went to a local art school for a year. before petering out of that program. The parents decided that they will pay for 4 years of their daughter’s education, and then it is on her. She’s used up three years already. She’s currently taking courses part time and working part time, trying to decide what she wants to do. In her case, this is a young person who just has no idea what she wants but has found everything she has tried as lacking in fullfillment. </p>
<p>What would I have done? Where would I have drawn the line? Don’t know. And don’t know what to say to you either. So far, I have been supportive to the extent that we can to the educational plans of our kids, even though their choices were not what I would have ideally seen them make. But they are well within the circle of my acceptance so there has really been no test of what my tolerance and support would be for endeavors that are not a certain sphere. I don’t know yet how supportive I would be. </p>
<p>My guess is that if my son wanted to go to a small local school that is not on my radar or list, such as a Christian Bible school with open admissions, I’d let him give it a try. Not my ideal, but if that’s what he wants.</p>
<p>Like others, I don’t understand this. I am telling my pre-schooler where to go to pre-school. I even doubt THAT because after all, she is the one who spends the whole day at school.</p>
<p>I guess this is why I believe kids should pay for most of their own higher education. I can’t imagine being that dependent on my mom’s gut feelings at that age, even if my mom was right. Obviously even with many more details it would be hard to say if the OP was, or not.</p>
<p>I suppose if I were in the upper class and I felt the need to maintain that for my children, it would be impossible to ask them to do that as they could never, ever pay for a top-tier education themselves. Clearly, a parent paying for college has the right to stop paying at any moment. In face in that sense, I’m even more “helicoptering” than the OP: at least she paid for one semester. I don’t plan on paying for more than food, if that! Talk about controlling. ;~) My money. MINE.</p>
<p>In some cases being working class really does have huge benefits. Nobody would ever question my children going to a state school and working evenings.</p>
<p>@ cpt–I think paying for four years is quite sensible, given their plans. Unfortunate that their daughter has wasted some of that incredible gift. Hopefully soon she will find her passion and have the good luck to be able to pay for education.</p>
<p>All I got from the OP posts is that she believes there are times when parents have to step in and make a decision for their college age kid.</p>
<p>OK; the examples I can think of are safety issues (e.g., driving while intoxicated)</p>
<p>For college, the model she implicitly has is that we let kids decide on their own., that parents stay out of the process, and that we step in and take that decision ourselves when we need to. We can’t analyze that issue because she is not tellling us the reason why she did that. (I assume that she has the skill to let us know what it is w/o betraying personal issues but chooses not to for some other reason.)</p>
<p>That’s a faulty model; college is a family decision with the kid in the lead, not a "kid only " decision. It ain’t binary (either the kid is in charge or the parent is.)</p>
<p>In other words, she’s mixing up two different issues:
1- is it ever OK to swoop in and take a decion away from a kid? ANSWER: yes, for safety issues and possibly other reasons, but we can’t discuss her additional reasosn because she doesn’t want to describe them here. .
2- are parents or are kids the sole decion makers for college? ANSWER: wrong; they are both part of the decision process, and most of us believe that it’s better for the kid if the kid is the lead.</p>
<p>Banjolady: I read your other posts and really feel for you. Did you agree to his application to the school of concern? I think in another post you stated you thought someone outside the family was influencing his choice.</p>
<p>If you are absolutely sure you do not want him to go to this school, my first approach would be to specifically lay out all the issues of concern, particularly that the school may not be there for all four year. If that doesn’t work, require him to convince you of why this path is correct. Can he talk to your minister? Can you have him talk to the campus ministry at the other colleges? Can you get him some counseling? Is this more about not wanting to leave home and not about the college itself.</p>
<p>It seems your only other option is to tell him that your research on this college has turned up too many areas of concern and that you won’t pay for it. If he really wants to go, he can pay for it himself. However, you may then have a kid that won’t go to college.</p>
<p>I have a friend whose son has decided to go into the military. His parents have convinced him to at least attend a CC for a few years prior to joining. However, it is dificult for them to embrace his choice, especially when all the other kids are getting their accepatances.</p>
<p>There are no good options, unless your son changes his mind.</p>
<p>I say who pays decides. If it’s a joint contribution, it’s a family decision. If the kid pays, they decide. If mom pays, she decides. It’s not a question of hovering, it’s a question of ownership (of the money, not the kid). It’s not like a child could not continue to attend that school by taking out loans and working, right?</p>
<p>Drunk driving is irrelevant. I believe that I have a right to take the keys from ANY drunk driver (and I daresay I have an obligation to do so, but that is controversial). That is a public safety issue, and a question of life-and-death not only for the driver, but anyone who happens to be on or near the road at the time. Same for any pressing health and safety issue: suicide threats, implicit or explicit, would follow the same rule. There are certain times that we would intervene for anybody we knew, and other times that we would intervene even for a total stranger.</p>
<p>With an adult son or daughter, I think advice makes more sense in terms of getting the person to see reason. However, I see no reason to continue giving someone money for an endeavor you don’t support, either.</p>
<p>I don’t like the concept of “the person who pays, decides.”</p>
<p>I suspect that everyone on this board who has ever been a full-time parent, with the other parent earning all or most of the family income, doesn’t like it, either.</p>
<p>Is there really that great a difference between a parent forcing a college choice on a child because the parent is paying and an employed spouse forcing other types of choices on a full-time-parent spouse? </p>
<p>Yet most of us don’t approve of it when spouses do it to each other.</p>
<p>OP said that the response which discussed a stalker was close to what she was talking about. If my child had an unstable roommate or was being stalked by someone, I would most certainly step in and remove my child from that environment, even if said child thought they could handle it. In a large school, maybe just changing dorms could help but if the school is small, that might not be enough. Of course, I don’t know if this is the reason but the implication of safety.</p>
<p>As for Banjomom’s post, there is no way I would allow my child to attend a school of that low caliber, even if I was of that persuasion religiously and even more so if I was not.</p>
<p>I helped my DD select schools to apply to and I steered her away from any school that I was not willing to have her attend. When I applied, I knew that my parents were not even going to help with bus fare, so they had no input into my choice of schools or curriculum. I am helping DD with her education (paying what her scholarships and finaid don’t cover) but I don’t have input into her course selection unless she chooses to ask me.</p>