<p>Well, the last time I called a teacher about my kid’s grade, the kid was in Junior High and I wanted to see which homework they hadn’t done, more to figure out what the deficit in learning was going to be and how to catch her up. At first the teacher didn’t want to talk about it, but then when I told her what I wanted she was good about letting me know.</p>
<p>She said a lot of parent’s called to complain about stuff, even back then, but I just wanted to work as a team to make sure the learning was happening. I didn’t care about the grade, wanted my kid to face the summer school music on the grade, actually so she would “learn”…the bigger lessons.</p>
<p>I don’t even know the names of my kid’s professors.</p>
<p>Well when the phone rings, you have to answer it because you’re in the office and the office is small.</p>
<p>As for contact with teachers concerning (bad) student behavior on our own kids part: </p>
<p>The last time for D was when my D was in 9th grade and her honors global history teacher called us to set up an appointment to discuss her missing homework. Homework which we’d been telling her that her teacher ought to just give her a 0 on since she wouldn’t hand it in on time and wouldn’t talk to him about it being late. Mr. M. (the teacher) was concerned since D was clearly bright and belonged in the class. He was visibly relieved when at the conference after telling us that D wasn’t turning in her work, we said “Throw the book at her and give her 0’s.” All he wanted out of the conference was our permission (i.e. promise that we wouldn’t complain) to give her only half-credit on stuff handed in late. It only took D a couple of weeks of 50% grades to start handing in the work on time.</p>
<p>Then when S was in 10th grade, I got an email from his math teacher saying that S had turned in HW that he had obviously copied from another student and that he was going to give S a 0 on that HW and talk to S about it. I emailed back that I though S clearly deserved the 0 and that my H and I would make S redo the HW and hand it in again with the expectation that the HW grade would REMAIN a 0. [I have NO tolerance for cheating even if it is my own kid!] H and I wanted S to redo the assignment without any chance of improving the well deserved 0 as punishment for his wrong doing. His teacher was happy (and relieved) to honor our request. I don’t even know if the teacher ever “graded” the work or not since the grade was not changed from a 0 on that assignment.</p>
<p>As an architect, I can’t tell you how frustrated I got by my children’s unwillingness to listen to me about how to make a good-looking presentation! We did have tools in the house that made it easier that they occasionally made use of though. </p>
<p>I agree about wanting to see “Babies”. I was the beneficiary of a some pretty laid back parenting. (Going off by myself riding in the Somali country side at age 9 for example.)</p>
<p>D1 went to a competive private school then off to Cornell. This summer everyone she knows from her high school has an internship, whether paid or not. Not the case with all of her friends from Cornell. </p>
<p>I personally know her high school friends parents are all high powered type A professionals. I am sure the parents didn’t leave their kids to decide when and if they were going to get an internship. If they were proactive, great. But if they weren’t, I am sure those parents were on the phone with kids or calling their contacts. Those parents all understand importance of having an internship junior summer. </p>
<p>The question is what’s better? </p>
<p>By everyone’s definition here, I am a helicopter parent. I am fine with it. My kids will do great without me after they graduate from college. They’ve had a lot more advantages over other kids because of my noisy blades growing up.</p>
<p>I’ve taught remedial college math courses at a local college, and there was only one time when a girl’s parents freaked and called me directly because their D had failed the course after failing the final. IMHO, if you fail the final exam, you don’t deserve to pass, but the department chair had no spine and made me let the girl retake the exam a few weeks later, whereon she managed to eke out a passing score. Then I had to let her pass the course by which time I didn’t really give a cr*p whether she knew anything or not.</p>
<p>^ I don’t understand. So if someone fails, they are allowed to call and essentially say, “I failed an exam. I dislike F’s. Let me retake it to get a grade I prefer?”</p>
<p>I’m so sorry if this sounds condescending, but it doesn’t sound like you teach at a “college” to me. That wouldn’t have been tolerated in any of my K-12 classes, let alone in my college. If you fail, they let you retake the course next semester.</p>
<p>I’m not sure if my parents count as helicopter parents or not. On one hand, my mom is very overprotective and wouldn’t let me do anything growing up (no sleepovers, no camping trips, no sleepaway camp, etc). On the other hand, my parents have never ever helped me with HW or studying or anything academic-related. They taught me to read when I was 4, then they bought me an SAT book in 11th grade. I think that was the extent of their involvement, to be honest. I turned out fine, although I admit I’m bitter I never got to attend sleepovers :/</p>
<p>‘Helicopter’ Parents Have Neurotic Kids, Study Suggests | LiveScience
Participants had to rate their level of agreement with statements such as, “My parents have contacted a school official on my behalf to solve problems for me,” “On my college move-in day, my parents stayed the night in town to make sure I was adjusted,” and “If two days go by without contact my parents would contact me.”</p>
<p>This is a quote from that article. I think in this questionnaire we would all rate as 'copters. Yes, I have contacted D’s university - after they couldn’t seem to pay her - for 4 months of work study. Yes, I spent the night in town after move-in - the school has a 3 day parent orientation. And I’ll do it again with the next child - the distance is too far to go home that evening. But I don’t worry about communication, so I guess I got one thing right. </p>
<p>I think some of these articles are very quick to accuse parents of being too involved.</p>
You would be surprised. Sometimes there is a lot at stake for the student - acceptance to their major, academic probation, keeping gpa’s up for merit scholarships, etc. If high-powered parents start talking about lawyers, the department chair might cave just to avoid a hassle. It was remedial math, after all. Hardly worth going to the mat for.</p>
<p>And yes, it was a college, and a reasonably respected one at that.</p>
<p>If helicopter parents have neurotic kids, couldn’t it just be genetic? Couldn’t helicopter parenting, at least in the extreme, be happening because the parents themselves are neurotic? And that’s why the kids are neurotic, and would be anyway, in case of any kind of parenting?</p>
<p>OTOH, I’ve been surprised at how easy it was to schedule conferences on parent/teacher conference day at my child’s high school. Why? Because so many parents, the majority in fact, NEVER do!!! </p>
<p>We’re walking a fine line sometimes and fighting about it makes it seems like walking the plank!</p>
<p>One thing about the second article mentioned in this thread was that the findings showed that there are more helicopter parents of girls than boys. I find that to not be true. I rarely am contacted by female students’ parents, but the boys - that is a different one altogether. I document everything, maintain an extensive class website where all assignments can be found out about and keep an outside of school email address for students to contact me if they have any questions about assignments. Whenever I get a mom complaining that their darling little perfect son didn’t know about an assignment or a due date I remind them of the website and usually don’t hear back from them. I think one of the most idiotic complaints have been from moms fussing about required work in my class as outlined by IB, something out of my control. They don’t like it when I remind them that their child chose to be in IB and I don’t make up the curriculum.</p>
<p>Another thing I hate is parents who contact me to write a letter of reference for their child. I don’t mind writing the letters, but I feel that the students are the ones who should contact me. My daughter selected and contacted all of her references, although I did instruct her that it would be appropriate for her to write a thank you letter. She did and then baked cookies for each one of them. (Trust me, I didn’t help her make the cookies as the kitchen and I aren’t friends.)</p>
<p>Friends of mine who teach college always tell me they can tell the students whose parents did work for them in K-12 or bailed them out frequently as they are the first to falter in college. (Mommy can’t go to class with Little Joey.)</p>
<p>I would seriously have a ■■■ moment if I thought I had to call professors next year and/or remind DD to turn in assignments, wake up, do laundry, etc. I’m DONE!!! :)</p>
<p>I actually feel sorry for helicopter parents. Very sad. When do they get to live THEIR lives???</p>
<p>“One thing about the second article mentioned in this thread was that the findings showed that there are more helicopter parents of girls than boys. I find that to not be true. I rarely am contacted by female students’ parents, but the boys - that is a different one altogether.”</p>
<p>Would you think this would depend on the subject? For instance, maybe parents are more concerned with their boys’ performance in Math & Science and their girls’ performance in English & History? Or maybe the reverse, parents might want more well rounded students? </p>
<p>She mentions a “professional middle-class.” In some of my AP classes, kids who have parents with PHDs was more or less the norm (note that the biggest employers by far in this area are colleges), are they “professional middle-class” or another group which would behave similarly? </p>
<p>I don’t know if anyone ever talks about the article, but it had far too much commentary for my tastes.</p>
<p>NEMom2 said: Yes, I spent the night in town after move-in - the school has a 3 day parent orientation. And I’ll do it again with the next child - the distance is too far to go home that evening."</p>
<p>Based on your answers it seems to me that you would NOT answer the survey question
“On my college move-in day, my parents stayed the night in town to make sure I was adjusted” with a yes. You stayed because you had parents orientation and for your own needs. That’s NOT staying there to nake sure the kid was OK.</p>
<p>Seems to me that one difference between being help ful and being a helicopter parent is the object of the help. The H parentsd I know do not seem interested in responding to their kids’ needs; rather, they are driven by their own anxiety, serving their needs, not their kids’.</p>
<p>I can see being that kind of overinvolved once in a while as long as one is honest about why one is doing it (e.g., I gotta call about my kid not being paid because it’s driving ME crazy) . . but it’s the unconscious constant feeding of oneself’s needs that make a true helicopter parent.</p>
<p>If I do it to meet the kid’s needs, I’m a caring parent.</p>
<p>If I do it to meet my needs, I am a helicopter parent.</p>
<p>A THREE DAY parent orientation? Good grief! Sounds like helicopter training school to me. No parent needs to know that much about a child’s college. Back in the day, my parents helped unpack the car and said goodbye. I highly recommend that approach.</p>
<p>^^My S’s college has a one day parent’s event that ends with a convocation and explicit instructions (to the parents) to SAY GOOD BYE NOW because your kid’s got meetings to go to and things to do. They strongly imply you should leave campus and not come back after saying good bye at the end of the convocation.</p>
<p>Is this a bad thing? I like a little “proof of life” from my kids (and will stalk their FB if I don’t get it, which they hate). Maybe it’s just a mother thing…to me, calling the RA/roommate/campus security would be a helicopter thing.</p>
<p>sk8rmom- thanks to FB, I don’t think I will need to check up on him as much. My dilemna will be how to get his friends to “friend” me in college. I have HS sewn up now becasue I am the “cool” mom and so I know what goes on in ALL their lives.</p>
<p>I asked our kid’s principal why the school doesn’t give parents on line access to grades. She felt this would “feed” the Helicopter parents. Call me an H’copter parent, but I would like to know if my kid failed a test or missed several assignments.</p>
<p>I think it is too bad everyone judges everyone else so harshly. The term “helicopter parent” seems to cover a lot of behaviors, and some are okay, others may be harmful. I think it really depends on the kids and what their needs are.</p>
<p>I drove one of my kids down to his college 3 times, the summer before he entered. He has always needed this kind of help with transitions. One of my other kids could go to a school across the country, cold, without any prior visits. I try to tailor my behavior to their individual needs. Ironically, the one who needed so much support is now entirely independent, self-sufficient, and self-supporting and lives 3,000 miles away.</p>
<p>One of my kids suffers from a chronic illness that required a lot of intense monitoring and interaction while growing up. People seem surprised that she is now at college, on her own, and not living at home. I have heard that I was often judged because of the behaviors this illness required, and because I never had any opportunities to explain appropriately. I have learned that the best course of action is to do what we know our individual kids need, and just live with whatever gossip or judgement may follow.</p>
<p>The real point here is that human beings like to talk about other human beings in a judgemental way. We need to realize that there may be factors that we don’t know or understand, and maybe give each other the benefit of the doubt.</p>