<p>^I don’t know how my spacing got so off in several paragraphs. Oops!</p>
<p>See now I would have killed for that scenario. Ok, I’ll go to Princeton. That’s not a jail sentence! And then to take his fathers money and cut him out of his life – I could never do that, if I couldn’t speak with my father, I wouldn’t take his money.</p>
<p>For the College Confidential Wisdom Hall of Fame:</p>
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<p>@ucbalumnus
Schools I applied to were all good for my major. Varied in private vs public, location, size, sports, “overall prestige” etc.
School I ended up choosing was sort of my safety/ high match sort of school.</p>
<p>I pretty much agree with those who say the decision should be up to the kid, withing the (clearly expressed) limitations of finances. But I have to say that several years of reading CC tell me that there may be other reasons a parent may want to veto a college, and some of those might be pretty good–examples are an unaccredited low-quality religious school, kids who want to follow boyfriends or girlfriends to a school that’s a bad fit (worse if it’s a bad boyfriend or girlfriend), and others. I guess the point is that every kid, and every family, is different.</p>
<p>But don’t be that parent who refuses to let your kid go to your alma mater’s football rival.</p>
<p>The OP tossed a grenade into the room and left. LOL </p>
<p>Hasn’t made a single comment to this thread after starting it!</p>
<p>Seems the OP is getting a kick out of this. The other threads are about college abroad/far away or close by and racism/sexism in college admissions. </p>
<p>I would love to know if OP actually is using any of this info or if he/she just likes to see how many of us will post.</p>
<p>I (as a student) feel restrictions are fine, but not forcing a certain college.I have two situations to present that go towards my feelings on this.
- For one of my friends (very bright, great scores and descent ECs) she can only pick a college she can pay for, her parents are giving nothing, not even books or room and board. Her older brother and younger sister (less of achievers) may pick anywhere they want to go. These parents are forcing their daughter into the lowest cost option and working as much as possible (30 hr/wk during the school year, 45 using the summer).
2)After college visits, my mom became very attached to one school, one of the most expensive actually. She has been pushing me towards that school despite my protests about fit and lack of merit aid.
So, pushing and forcing comes in all forms, and is (in my experience) not always good.</p>
<p>Even if the OP isn’t interested, the thread is getting a lot of views, and it’s a valuable topic for both students and parents to think about.</p>
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There has to be more to this story, as parents don’t just draw straws (which, actually, would be “more of this story”) and decide that two kids can go to college and the other is on her own.</p>
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Maybe her name is Cinderella.</p>
<p>The ‘more to the story’ is that the middle child is high achieving and they figure she an make her own way while the others need more help. Both she and her brother asked about that (her brother because he was willing to go to a less expensive school so her parents would pay for part of her education and she because, well, she wanted to know if she had done something wrong).</p>
<p>No, Princeton is certainly not a jail sentence, but having a parent control one’s life is. I’m sure college was just the last straw. Yes, a tradition of everyone in the family going to Princeton is nice, and even nicer if Princeton keeps admitting each generation, but it is not fair to substitute a parent’s dream for a student’s if these tradition means nothing to the student. Being a pawn of parental narcissism is extremely emotionally painful and psychologically debilitating.</p>
<p>Complete separation from the parent is extreme, but from this third-hand story it’s impossible to tell if the Princeton son was being petulant and vindictive or taking necessarily steps to protect his psychological health.</p>
<p>I think when parents have good reasons to veto a school – finances, poor academic performance, bigotry or bias, we’re talking about one thing. But when parents do so out of personal preference, that the child be close or at his/her alma mater or at a school with his/her own values, that isn’t fair and does lead to resentment. Mother wants sonny near? Present her feelings and tell him how important he is to her, make the case of the perks of staying close (home for all holidays, etc.) and then allow the child to decide unless the travel budget breaks the bank.</p>
<p>I was surprised at how close my kids decided to say. Neither was willing to consider a school west of the Hudson and south of the Verrazano Bridge with the exception of University of Chicago. In retrospect, I was sad that I didn’t force an application to Bryn Mawr for my D as a parent’s pick (used only if admissions results mandated), but all worked out.</p>
<p>Both kids chose schools that really represented who they were and who they wanted to become. Both chose schools that really challenged them too. I loved both schools, but they would not have been my pick.</p>
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<p>Doesn’t sound like many here would agree with this sort of parental choice, even though it is the parents’ right to do so…</p>
<p>If she is not yet past the point of applying for colleges as a freshman, can she find a full ride from here:
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/financial-aid-scholarships/1348012-automatic-full-tuition-full-ride-scholarships.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/financial-aid-scholarships/1348012-automatic-full-tuition-full-ride-scholarships.html</a></p>
<p>Their legal right, yes, but not their moral right IMO.</p>
<p>Yes, that is what I meant – you may have the right to do something, but that does not make doing that a good idea.</p>
<p>I have a different point of view… I discouraged my D from attending the college she wanted for various reasons, (a bunch of little things - nothing major, or else I probably would not have given in). I did not insist, though. In the end, she wanted it badly enough, that I said okay… She regrets her decision. I regret not saying NO.</p>
<p>udmom2010, what if you did say no? Your daughter might have gone elsewhere and been happy, but still wondered if she’d have been even happier at the other school. Or she could have gone elsewhere and been unhappy and blamed you because you didn’t let her go where she wanted to go. </p>
<p>Can she transfer?</p>
<p>Sometimes protecting our kids from making mistakes also means keeping them from learning valuable life lessons. (Of course when it comes to college, which parents are usually paying for, those can be some expen$ive lessons…)</p>
<p>With regard to the college decision, the way I treated my child is somewhat analogous to the way I treat the people I supervise. In both cases, I have experience and perspective that is valuable and, on some points, my judgment is superior. But my leadership as a parent (or supervisor) does not depend on me making every decision. In fact, I think part of being a good leader is knowing when to hang back and let someone else run the show. </p>
<p>I wanted my kid to grow in her decision-making capacity (as I do my employees). So I shared my perspective. I guided. I was a mentor. But outside of cost parameters and some implied requirements vis-a-vis a school’s academics, I gave my daughter free rein to choose. Since we started out with a list that had only good schools on it and only schools my daughter would be thrilled to attend, there was more than one right answer (and probably no wrong answer).</p>
<p>The other dimension here is that I intend to be in a relationship with my child for the rest of my life. It is not necessarily and maybe never can be an equal relationship because of the nature of mother-daughter dynamics. But it is based on mutual respect. And mutual respect, in my book, comes with dialogue, not ultimatums and threats. I am holding the purse strings. I have made it clear what I’ll pay for and what I won’t, and if my daughter doesn’t demonstrate her appreciation of my contributions, we’ll deal with that. For now, I have no reason not to trust her.</p>
<p>lafalum84 - Yes, I agree, we will never know what her experience may have been somewhere else. I understand your point. I was just adding my comment because I maintain that we (parents/adults/older and wiser) may have insight that our 17 year olds (age when applying) do not. In trying to let them be independent we may be giving them too much credit, given their lack of experience. I think in some cases we may understand our childrens’ needs better than they do. Obviously there are kids who are very mature at this young age, I am talking about those who can use the guidance.</p>