<p>Well, friend has a dilema and I said I would look something up on cc but I can't locate it. It is about who chooses which college.
In California it is so hard to get in to a UC these days that most even stellar students are lucky if they get in to one of the better ones. Friend's son got into UC and a state school. Both have excellent reputations. The UC is known as a party school with lots of pot (SC). The state school not a big party school. Anyway, who makes the final decision? They cost about the same and the rewards after graduation are about the same for grad school etc. Child in question is evidently prone to go with the flow if there is a party and may have a harder time being successful in that environment.
I know "You should not let them apply to a school you may end up saying they can't go to." I have seen it here before. But in California it is not unusual for kids to apply to 6-8 of the UC's and get in to one or two. Who makes the ultimate decision? I told her the person paying makes the decision, which is she (or which is her?). Thanks for your input. I will share with my friend.</p>
<p>If the son or daughter is 18, he/she chooses. The choices are: 1) I go where I want and I pay for it; 2) I go where they want and they pay for it.</p>
<p>Every school has a party element and every school has an academic element. He will choose the crowd he wants to hang with.</p>
<p>If the cost being funded by the parents is not an issue and there’s no other strong practical reason to not permit the student to attend a particular college, then the student should decide which college to go to since they’re the ones who’ll be living there and immersed in it for 4 years or so. </p>
<p>I think it would be impossible to find a campus where there aren’t parties, etc. available (especially off-campus) including the ones without a rep for it and this includes the UCs, CSUs, and privates. Some have more of a rep for parties or not than others but at every campus there are those who party, drink, and do drugs, and those who don’t. If he’s inclined to seek out parties, drinking, drugs then he’ll find it. If he doesn’t want to participate in that then he can avoid it directly although there’s always a concern that a roommate might have the issues but again, that can happen anywhere.</p>
<p>The kid makes the choice – if the parents are funding, then the parents should make their expectations clear to the kid in terms of what they would expect as a minimum GPA and number of academic units completed each semester or quarter. Obviously the parents should set reasonable expectations – but it makes some sense for the kid to know there will be consequences if he slacks off.</p>
<p>Financially speaking, here’s how our family sees it:
It is the kid’s choice where he wants to go. It is the parents’ choice how much dough they are willing and able to contribute, to tell the kid the limit; and if any conditions come with it.
If parent gift money doesn’t cover the kids’ choice, then the kid finds a way to make up the difference or make a different choice.</p>
<p>Do some more research, talk to current students. Is the state school less of a party school because most of the students are commuters? (My guess)</p>
<p>I guess UC Santa Cruz has a lot of distractions with pot and cal poly slo less tolerant and much less partying.</p>
<p>thanks for everyone’s input</p>
<p>I would heartily suggest that parents and students visit both campuses soon. Even if it means taking time off high school to do so. </p>
<p>Driving around has people side by side and facing forward. No one is in a dominant position and the family can talk while driving. Actually, I’d put student in the front passenger seat and one parent in the back. This makes the student not “the kid.”</p>
<p>This is not a hard and fast “either/or”. It could be A with some understandings. For instance, if it is A, it could be with the understanding that son will wait until sophomore year to consider joining a Greek group. It could also be with the understanding that the first year will be in a dorm of the parent’s choice. It could be A with the understanding that parents will be making more visits and supervising more closely than if it was choice B. </p>
<p>We were stunned a few years ago when one of the most liberal, tolerant couples we know told their son that he could not go to Huge Party School but had to accept Good Money Small School. Son was crushed. But off he went to smaller pond. In this particular case, the parents were correct. Son flourished. So much so that several friends from Big Party have now transferred to Good Money College. </p>
<p>I know that couple discussed the options with their son right up until the last hour of the decision deadline. They really ran through all the pros and cons and they did it as a family. Son was crushed but he also understood, throughly, the finances and the thinking. (It did help that Good Money College has a cool mascot. Ah, to be a teen male!). </p>
<p>Anyway, it is only mid March. There is time to massage (not tug of war!) this quite throughly and it is absolutely worthwhile for the family to bring family life to a halt while a road trip and analysis happens. Far better to spend a week and a few $ than have a year of regrets beginning in September.</p>
<p>If the cost is the same, then the kid chooses…</p>
<p>However, there is nothing wrong with conditions (regardless of school choices)</p>
<p>The parents can state, you must maintain a X.X GPA (reasonable for the kid) otherwise you come home and go to a CC. Then, it’s up to the child to make the right decisions.</p>
<p>The parents can also require the student to provide current test grades so that there aren’t any surprises at end of term.</p>
<p>If the choices are really UCSC and Cal Poly SLO I think the party/non-party atmosphere is pretty close. I know quite a few level headed non-pot smoking kids at both schools. They can find a decent peer group at either.</p>
<p>Here’s how my parents are doing it:
It’s my choice, but they have supreme veto power if they are paying for it.</p>
<p>If the choice is UCSC and CalPoly, I would honestly say that the latter is a better school.</p>
<p>If the parents are concerned about the child’s behavior in college, they may want to consider making a contract with him/her. Here is what Michelle Singletary who writes about personal finance for the Washington Post has suggested (her words, not mine):</p>
<p>"-- You have FOUR years to graduate (unless they are in a bonafide five year program)
– You have to keep a certain GPA (just like they might if they had a scholarship). I’ll give some leeway for the freshman year but you better bring me good grades or explain why you can’t.
– You have to study aboard at least one semester. I did and it was such an incredible experience. Exception will be if their studies make it difficult.
– No drinking, smoking, nookie. Yes, I’m going to have a morality clause. I know I can’t watch them. I know they may stray away from our values. But it will be there for them to be reminded I expect them to behave and do what they would do if they lived in my home.</p>
<p>My money. My rules."</p>
<p>“No drinking, smoking, nookie.”</p>
<p>What planet does she live on?</p>
<p>I really , really , REALLY think it should almost always be the kid’s choice. Unless money is a limiting factor(and in this case, it isn’t), then it really doesn’t make sense to tell the kid where to go to school. They are 18, you have to let them grow up sometimes. Plus, it does no good for them to be at a school where they are miserable.</p>
<p>I personally think parents should have little to no say (unless finances are a huge factor), and even then, the say should be limited. The KID is going to college, not the parent</p>
<p>I think the choice should be a family decision that takes into account money, fit, prestige, quality of education, availability of jobs on graduation and a million other things. However, if my D is set on a school and there are no real reasons against it, why would I second guess her choice? After all, she’s the one who has to live with it for 4 years.</p>
<p>I think it is a silly question if you have open communication and mutual respect between parents and children.</p>
<p>I have to disagree with something Rocketlouise said, that I think is an extreme contradiction. She says- “They are 18, you have to let them grow up sometimes”. I think by this she means that at 18 they are adult enough to make their own choices- at least what choice of college. Is that what you meant Louise?</p>
<p>If so, then we disagree. Your post indicates the kid can choose any college “unless money is a limiting factor” and the parent must go along with it. I strongly disagree. While I largely agree at 18 the kid can pretty much choose for himself- he has no right whatsoever to make the parents fund his choice. A kid cannot say “I’m 18! I make my own choices” and also say “Pay for me, Mommy and Daddy”. Is he adult, or not? There lies the contradiction.
How much money the parents have does not determine how much they are required to chip in for their kid’s gift of education. Just as the kid make an adult decision for himself what school he wants, the adult parents can decide for themselves how much they are willing and able to chip in. The kid isn’t bound by the parents preference of schools, and the parents aren’t bound financially by the kid’s choice of schools.</p>
<p>I strongly felt it should be the kid’s choice until I saw my friends beat through the choices and impose what ended up being a great decision. It can be so hard to do so but in that one instance it made a huge difference (family isn’t going broke and kid is soaring). </p>
<p>At the same time, they did not quickly arrive at that imposition. They really worked through the details for weeks with son. It was painful all around but he understood the final path. A quick “my checkbook, my choice” could be disasterous.</p>
<p>^I never said the kid should make their parents fund their choice, but their parents also shouldn’t hold out money to make their kids go where they want. Sometimes I think parents try to live too vicariously through their children. If you can afford either choice(or both are similarly priced), don’t push your own agenda on your children. </p>
<p>I do think the kids have to make their own choice on college. I’m sick of being the generation who gets their hand held through everything. </p>
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<p>I sincerely doubt any kid would ask for such a thing. I also think it’s far worse for a parent to be like “we have the money, but don’t like your choice, suck it up”…seriously…?</p>
<p>I also don’t think I’m being contradictory. I said the decisions should be the kids AS LONG AS FINANCES WEREN’T AN ISSUE…clearly, in your example, finances are an issue</p>
<p>Just as an add, the choice for college is all mine. My parents are not involved at all. I do consider myself an adult in this instance. I’m on my own for this process, and am grateful to have a choice to myself</p>
<p>I think parents should let their kids know what dollar amount they will be contributing, and then let their kids decide where to go to school.</p>