When parents are so desperate to get their kids into college that they sabotage other students
Wow, parents.
Some of this isn’t so bad, except perhaps the sharing of info about summer programs and opportunities:
“Instead of embracing the opportunity to share resources with students who might not have as many resources, some parents are guiding their students to not reveal where they’re applying, to not talk about college visits, or not share information about summer programs or opportunities that might help other kids be stronger applicants,” he said. “I think that sends damaging messages to young people about individualism versus commitment to others.”
Found it free here:
https://www.mercurynews.com/2019/04/03/when-parents-are-so-desperate-to-get-their-kids-into-college-that-they-sabotage-other-students/
“some parents are guiding their students to not reveal where they’re applying”
That was our agreed upon family policy. It had nothing to do with being competitive and all to do with trying to ratchet down the level of anxiety over the college process in a high achieving cohort. Our kids chose their schools because they fit them. The comments and advice of others wasn’t needed or wanted, including family members who had decades old knowledge about schools and the college process. It also served to not make conversations centered around college admissions leading up to and during admissions season.
Looking back I wish we had the don’t ask don’t tell policy for S19. The fact that he wasn’t “normal” compared to his peers led to alot of peanut gallery commentary. I think he handled it well, but it would’ve been easier to just not talk about it.
Regarding the anonymous disparaging letters sent to GCs, I would have thought other students would do that - not parents!
I agree with others, not sure why the article puts the sending of anonymous disparaging emails in the same category as choosing not to discuss applications. My kids’ school encourages students/parents to NOT overshare and over discuss – instead, bring questions or concerns to the college counseling office. It’s a good policy IMO.
My kids didn’t talk much about their college stuff. Most of them had trouble remembering their top choices as they changed often.
I was not aware of any super award or program that was just known to few eligible people. Anything really good had such a wide audience that telling a few people about it or even having it in the school newsletter wasn’t going to much affect any individual kid’s chances much. I don’t know what I would have done if I’d fallen into anything of the sort.
Not exactly the same, but these forums have seen stories about cutthroat rank-grubbing behavior, often in Texas due to the rank-based admission process for the state universities there.
@doschicos – Agreed this can be a smart approach. There was a top student last year at my D’s HS who wouldn’t tell anyone where he applied and then just announced his decision – Penn St. – in May. I’m guessing he got a nice scholarship and that was important to him and his family.
I really admired how stayed out of the fray that consumed a lot of the kids at our highly rated public HS – my D somewhat included.
My daughter and her friend group never talked about where they were applying, it was the parents.
Parents were sending bad info about students anonymously? Calling attention to social media posts?
I know we’ve talked about CC KIDS here wanting to report a fellow student cheated or misrepresented part of the app, but parents?
“My daughter and her friend group never talked about where they were applying, it was the parents.”
I saw a lot of that, too. And having decided how not to talk about it, it was easy to respond that way when folks started asking nosy questions beyond just generalities. Like the dad standing next to me on the side of the sports field who wanted to know my kid’s standardized testing scores, full list of colleges, etc. Nope, not info I am sharing. Not my info to share.
@momofsenior1 totally agree! If would ask S17 where so so was going or applying, his answer was always, “I have no idea. We don’t talk about that stuff.”.
Wow! If parents cannot resist the urge to disbarage their kid’s classmates at their own high school, I imagine that college admissions offices must get nasty anonymous tips about applicants all the time.
I’m sure they do. I’ve seen references to folks who do so on this website over the years. I sure wouldn’t want that karma trailing me.
A parent I knew told her daughter not to talk about her applications, but then this same parent had the nerve to directly ask my son where he was applying (and in her daughter’s presence!).
My older kids knew where a lot of their friends were looking and/or accepted, but it was pretty low key. And I’d talk to other parents, but it was more along the lines of “How’s it going?” than “Where’s he going?” with the obvious allowance for others’ comfort levels. It was therapeutic to share tales of pulling teeth or trade tips on web sites.
In fact the article has examples of “people” calling/emailing/whatever college admissions offices with anonymous tips.
I found at our high school the parents talked about it on the sidelines and at social events…I always felt it was supportive and helpful. Everyone seems invested in this class and wants to know what they plan to do after graduation. I did not feel a need to keep his choices, ins, outs, and waitlists a secret -even now when we are waiting for him to make his choice…that is what I say - he is taking his time to accept and I am so proud of the way he handled this process. Granted most of the parents that I spoke with knew him and me very well…it was not random senior parents for the most part -but I felt like the class was all in this boat together and it was just a safe subject to talk about (I was never pumped for test scores or grades etc). I don’t think the kids talk about it nearly as much as the parents. But when the last few big decisions came in they were texting each other fairly quickly with results and support. My son walked into a basketball game the night he found out he was deferred from ND in December and all the kids that knew he applied offered him nothing by support and praise - including the ones that got rejected. It was amazing to witness their genuine support for each other. While we have been surprised with some of the outcomes (5 waitlists!) I am proud to say that our Senior community has been overall positive, supportive, and invested in each other as they make these decisions.