But the unusual thing is that, for many, religion can be a way to ease letting go, a faith there is more.
I think, sometimes, it can also be that the people who want our elders to hang on indefinitely don’t have the memories to lean on and maybe even more important, a balance in those (what we got, as well as what we gave, and the goodness in it all.) Over the years, Himom, you’ve done a lot for your parents.
I see this at hospice, families coming in to look things over, as they make their decision. Sometimes, they feel so guilty letting go, they want to do more at home, stop the clock, buy more time. And once their loved one is there, they realize it’s “ok,” this is life’s progression.
To me, it’s really important to aim for the balance, all along. Best wishes, as you all struggle with this. I am miraculously at peace with my relationship with my mother, now. Despite some rocky years, I feel close to her, feel her love, though she is gone.
Yes, I’m sure there is some guilt and ambivalence in many close relationships. Letting go is hard, but I guess I’ve always been more philosophical about it. The last thing I would want is for my loved ones to be in pain for their last days and moments on Earth. To me, that is selfish. Others see things differently. There s no ONE way, but others also disagree on that.
@lookingforward Mom’s dissection was a Type B. She’d already had an aortic aneurysm repaired 5 years ago. So this event was in a different spot and luckily they were able to correct with with a stent. So very little rehab needed other than countering being in bed for 3 weeks.
Does Dad need eyes on him all the time? Not really but the problem is, you don’t know when his blood sugar may drop. I do think they are treating him by just letting it run high and I think his endocrinologist is fine with that, as it won’t put you in a coma/death in a matter of minutes like low sugar can. It may ultimately shorten your life of course, but he is 81 and perhaps they are thinking the quality of life of not being a slave to the glucose monitor every hour is worth it?
Dad’s personality has changed as a result of his brain injury to just be too much for mom to handle most days which is so sad, as the “real” him was never like this. We are trying him on some zoloft and I hope that can help him a bit.
@lookingforward Actually you make a good point that an aide may be able to run interference for mom with dad. The trick will be if such a person can also be allowed to administer insulin.
Dang–dad wants to fly again, meaning someone (or several folks) will have to go with him and mom and make all the arrangements tho he insists they can go alone. The last few times he’s flown, he’s lost his ID and mom has lost hers. It’s very challenging flying with them and he wants to do it just before my niece’s wedding this summer!
We found it very difficult to know & understand when downturns were forever and when they were temporary. We also found it difficult to determine when to take over and when to let them live their lives. We did sit FIL down and tell him he had to make changes or MIL would fall and break her hip (part time care and he could not handle her as well as he had); he refused to listen and said he did not care what we said or thought, and a few weeks later she broke her hip. That made it real easy to come in and insist on changes, but as we watched them through the months of new situations, we realized he was vastly worse off than we had known. He was covering a lot. But he also was not bad enough that we could have done conservatorship, etc., he could cover well enough to pass that kind of test, but he had no executive function left.
I hope it does not come to dire straits like that for your family, HImom, but if you can get all the siblings on the same page(IF!) could you do an intervention and just give them a reality check? If they are not safe to travel, then they are not safe to travel, but can you stop them?
I don’t know what executive function dad has currently. In his recent trips (over the past many years), family members made all arrangements. For this trip, I believe all he’s done is call my aunt (his SisIL) for event tickets. To my knowledge, no hotel, airline or other arrangements have been made and the hotel fills up quickly. He and mom don’t really know how to pack appropriate clothing or dress in cold weather or even hang onto their IDs or much of anything else. Both are easily lost.
In 2014, my brother took them on a Mediterranean cruise, which dad promptly forgot ever going on. I took them on two separate trips later the same year. Taking them meant packing their luggage, hanging onto mom’s ID, and dressing mom every day in extra clothing I brought because she would never dress warmly enough and would get hives from cold. My sister also took them on a trip around that time frame as well. There was a major crisis on EACH trip with them losing ID and other things. It was exhausting for everyone.
The good thing is my aunt did call me and I asked her to hold off buying anything until the family can figure things out. One sister already tried to dissuade dad last night. My other sister will try today. Brothers gave been silent–all 3 of them.
Maybe you all just say, “NO, no one can go with you and you cannot go yourselves and if you don’t remember what happened, then that’s further proof you should not go”
Not remembering is so rough, we are having serious issues with my mother (90+ and spry) wanting to pick up my toddler grandson, muscle memory has her reaching to pick up a baby who wants up, but she cannot hold him, she’s too little and too weak, they could both be seriously injured
Good news, @HImom . No need to make arrangements that you don’t believe in. Rinse and repeat: “I’m sorry I can’t help you with that now.”
Agree that many elders are worse than they look from a little distance.
My older sis who hasn’t traveled with them says if we can plan a family trip for him to look forward to, that will help.
I countered with he has no memory and doesn’t appear to look forward nor have much memory afterwards of the trips he’s been on, including a cruise bro took him on and the 2 trips I took him on and one trip my younger sis took them on.
He has hardly any memory of the 4 trips he was taken on in 2014–even shortly after returning from each trip. Each trip created at least one or more major crisis for everyone because of mom and dad. They conveniently forget that as well.
HImom, older sis is free to make arrangements to travel with your parents. But she can’t make arrangements for you to travel with them. Repeat what travelnut says: “I’m sorry, I can’t help you with that now.”
HImom, I agree with Cardinal Fang. As to my parent’s, I just had to say “no” to SIL that I wasn’t going to bring my parents across the country. She hates me now, but I can’t do anything about it.
We had some relatives in condemnation mode for how we have handled situation with MIL. But you know what - none of them have bothered to even get on a flight to see her, much less offered support or ideas.
We finally tuned it out though it hurts. It is bad enough dealing with a horrible situation, without other people armchair quarterbacking why you did or didn’t do this thing or that.
