Growing Pains

Parents Forum
1

Yeah, this is another “hey parents” thread…

About me:
I’m a college Freshman finishing the last quarter of my first year. I’m a computer science major, living at home and going to community college. I work 15-25 hours a week in retail and take 15-20 credits per quarter. I had a rough start to college. I currently have a 3.1 cumulative GPA and managed to snag a 3.5 last quarter (winter quarter). My parents won’t accept rent/any kind of monetary compensation, so they take care of everything that is part of the monthly bills (health insurance, car payment/car insurance, cell phone) and I take care of all outside needs/wants (basically anything that isn’t a monthly bill). Though they do support me by letting me live at home, I am paying for college entirely in my name. I think that covers the requisite background information…

The problem:

Part 1: I am struggling with sometimes-crippling depression and anxiety, to the point where sometimes it’s all I can do to get out of bed. I started paying for online counseling out of pocket in January of this year because I was at my breaking point. Basically, I Skype with him every week. My counselor has helped pull me back from the ledge I was on at the start of this year, but I’m still struggling. I start feeling overwhelmed and want to distract myself, which leads to avoiding my school work, which leads to more stress and anxiety because I’m behind. When I get behind, I avoid my work more (yes I know this doesn’t make sense), and my stress/anxiety gets worse, leading me back to the same cycle. Medication is currently out of the question, because I intend to pursue a career in the military after college, and I feel like starting meds would be the kiss of death on an already uphill battle. I haven’t told my parents about any of this, as I have reason to believe they won’t be supportive, which leads to the second half of my problem…

Part 2:

I never differentiated in high school. I dropped out/was pulled out of school in 11th grade (long story) and had been my disabled mom’s full time caretaker since 15/10th grade. I got my GED but had to put college off for a year. Now that I’ve started school, things have…exploded. I hate being at home because every time I’m here, there’s always something. My mom takes every opportunity to make nasty passive aggressive comments about how I’m never at home (“Oh, look how much the dogs miss you…they miss you so much because you’re never home” “Of course you didn’t know that, you’re never here”). When I do make an effort, though, my mom ignores me. She also constantly makes comments about how I’m not an adult and she doesn’t see me as any different from when I was 15 (Ironically, 15 was when I became mostly “an adult”, because that was the year I was taking care of her full time. I’m turning 20 this summer). She also makes weird comments about how she owns me. I’m the oldest of three girls, so I know this is an empty nest issue, but it is driving me crazy and not helping the aforementioned depression/anxiety issues.

I guess my question is…I know I can’t change my parents, so how do I deal with all this? How do I come to terms with doing what’s best for me even if it hurts my parents (mostly my mom)?

2

Hugs to you as you deal with some of life’s tough stuff at such a young age. No, you shouldn’t have to be responsible for your parents.

I don’t have great advice, and the words I will say will not be easy for you to follow. You can not choose how anyone else behaves. You can not change their behavior. You can only choose your own behavior. You can choose to limit the damage of someone else’s behavior. You can walk away from someone who is disrespecting you. You can continue to stay away as much as possible from situations that allow for someone to hurt you. And you can make other arrangements for living your life that do not include people who constantly attack you.

Can either of the other siblings start taking over some/all of the care for your mom? If not, I would figure out how best to minimize conversation when you must attend to her. Options include not speaking at all, no response to her hurtful comments, wear earbuds and listen to music to drown out her hurtful words, or find a one sentence answer that you will say repeatedly to any hurtful things she says. “I am hurt by your hateful words, Mom–I am doing the best I can.” I don’t really think that is the best phrasing, but work on coming up with something that might shut her down.

I understand that you are receiving some financial assistance (housing, food, insurance, etc) so it might be hard to walk away completely. But be working towards your goal of complete independence from this abuse. Keep your goal in your mind as you are in the midst of her negativity.

Please reconsider your refusal for medication. It can be life-changing.

3

Post # 1 has good advice.

You also should be eligible for help/counseling from your college’s student center. Check with them. You are not the first or only student living at home and dealing with those stresses.

You sound stronger than you likely think you are. Use the system at your CC to find more coping mechanisms/solutions. You need support from your college community - the student center professionals should have ideas. Your gpa is good- remember college grades/gpa’s tend to be lower than in HS. Being able to vent with peers in college can be helpful.

Ditto on the medication. Your future does not need to be in the military, being alive and well is needed.

Remember- children owe their parents nothing. No guilt trips. You can pay forward to the next generation in the future. But- you need to succeed now to be able to do so. You are NOT responsible for your mother- there are programs to do a lot. Your responsibility is to get your education to secure your future. As a woman student in computer science- fantastic, they are sorely needed! Keep that your priority. Your income potential is great, consider taking loans if needed to escape your home life.

4

Posts 1 and 2 are great, this is a big issue that is tough for a lot of us to tackle. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Is your dad around with this happens? Is he passive about it all or just ignoring it? Your mother is miserable and taking that out on you. That is unfair and unacceptable for any adult to do to their child, that is abuse. Your depression and anxiety is obviously due to the situation you are in and the constant mental beating you are taking, I do not know that drugs are needed; getting away from that toxic environment is. I understand that is easier said that done. Can the military offer you any viable options now? Or perhaps you need to find a good mental balance before making a big change like that.

I am glad you are talking to a therapist, but see if you can meet with one in person as well, please go to your college and see what is available for you. They may have suggestions beyond your mental health - how to find resources for yourself or your mother. She needs help way beyond what you can give her, but she needs to want to help herself that is not your job. Just because she is your mother does not mean you owe your life and happiness to her. She is making choices, and poor ones. You need to make your own, without guilt. If she wants to be unhappy and abusive, don’t let her do that to you. People only treat you as poorly as you let them, and as long as you let them. She needs to be working to be independent of you, just as you need to be working to be independent of her.

You sound like an amazing young woman full of love and potential. Don’t let your situation rob you of that. Figure out how you can survive this situation with least damage to you, until you can get out of it in a safe and healthy manner. Save all you can and work as much as you can outside of the house for now. Wish you well.

5

I am sorry you are going through this. I am reaching out to give you a virtual hug. Can your siblings take on some of the care for your mother? Even some simple things? Can the three of,you sit together and you can explain to the how you feel like you can’t cope with the burden and they need to help?

I don’t know if your dad is involved in the scene, but is he unable or unwilling to talk to your mother about her hurtful comments? I know this sounds very Dear Abby, but maybe you an show them your post and let it do the talking for you. And I do think you should try to utilize whatever outside help you can get. Are there aunts of uncles who could help? Best of luck to you. I do think you have more strength than you know.

6

Hi everyone,

I haven’t disappeared, just been very busy and also needed some time to process your replies. It took me years to recognize my situation as abusive; the fact that four people figured that out from two paragraphs written in haste before I left for work is a bit of a shock to my system.

To answer some questions:

Refusal for medication is two-fold; one, yes, the aforementioned desire to avoid a recent medical record, but also I would have to see a psych in person and pay for medication/appointments out of pocket. I’m already paying for my current counselor out of pocket and it’s 20%-40% of my monthly earnings as it is. I will, however, get in touch with the office at my college.

My dad is involved. My parents have been married for 20 years and my dad actually works from home and has for the past couple of years. My sisters are homeschooled; they and my dad help her out. My mom is not disabled in the sense that she is completely immobile or anything like that, but she has a lot of physical issues that leave her in a lot of pain, and repeated tasks make it worse. She also has been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and schizoid personality disorder. My dad is around when my mom says not-nice stuff, and I’m aware that he doesn’t like it, especially because he is also on the receiving end. However, on the rare occasion he speaks up (either in my defense, which is extremely rare, or his own defense), the argument always gets twisted around and he becomes the bad guy in the situation.

My mom basically believes that social niceties are complete BS, and that she’s in her right to speak this way because it’s just who she is (she has said this). She especially thinks that those closest to her, ie her family, should just suck it up and take it or fight back. However, any criticism of her is not acknowledged, ever. I have tried, many times, to tell her that her words are hurtful, but it doesn’t stick. Showing her/them this post, that I complained about family business to strangers (ESPECIALLY with the word “abuse” involved) would basically result in me being disowned and probably thrown out. Please don’t interpret this as me disregarding advice, these are not presumptions, I know this from past experience with them. I honest to god have tried.

I DO have a plan in place for leaving as well as an emergency plan or two if SHTF. I apply to transfer in the fall and have decided on 3-4 schools. One local satellite university (cheapest option but no housing) and 2-3 universities 2-5 hours away. If all goes according to plan, I will be going to one of the farther away universities in Sept of 17, and I don’t plan on living at home ever again. I just have to hang on for another 18 months. I’m on track for my AA and to finish all of my university pre-reqs by Spring of '16.

7

So glad you came back with an update. You really do have strength in the midst of your bad situation. Your post is well written and takes the big picture into consideration.

It sounds like no one is willing to stand up to your mom, and so she is free to make demands, criticize those closest to her who are helping her, and not have to be accountable to anyone for her words/actions. She is a Monster living freely in your home, wreaking havoc at will. I can’t imagine how a family member can survive that kind of constant pressure, never knowing when she will explode next.

You might ask your therapist about setting a personal boundary with your mom. There is a book called Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend (several versions of the book in fact) that explains in more detail about choosing to set a boundary. It won’t be easy, and you may choose not to try. You have a goal in mind, and a plan to work towards freeing yourself from this situation. Only you and your therapist can decide if it is worth it to try to establish a boundary with your mom at this point.

As part of your plan to leave your home, be sure to gather all your important documents that you will need in the future. Birth certificate, social security card, special memorabilia, photos, things that might get tossed when you are no longer living at home.

8

Do you have health insurance? You should not have to pay out of pocket for therapy. If you aren’t covered by a school policy or by a parental policy, then go on Medicaid or the state marketplace, depending on income. Use the school counseling office if that is a good alternative as well.

Medication is so incredibly life-changing for some, even at a very low dose. The military won’t solve these problems of anxiety and depression. You need to deal with them before committing to military service.

When you live in a household like this for so many years, there is a recovery period that can last a long long time. Your idea of “normal” is skewed. You are part of that family system and to truly reach detachment will take some time and some work- it won’t end when you physically leave.

Al Anon might be of help to you. It helps people with boundaries, and does not only apply to dealing with alcohol. Perhaps there is a meeting on campus.

You have a plan, that’s good. Just recognize that you are under stresses that some people don’t have. Some people have worse, or similar, but compared to most young adults, you are handling a lot and doing it well.

9

OP checking in. I’m working with the disability services at my school, trying to get out of this quarter with a 3.0 intact.

I do have insurance through my parents; however, I don’t know what information about my medical records is accessible to my parents through my insurance. My mom feels that HIPPA should not apply to 18+ kids if the kid is still on parental insurance. I am very wary of involving my parents in my mental illness, because they were not supportive or helpful the last time.

To top it off, I just got news that my dad got an interview for a job on the other side of the country. My mom didn’t even bother to acknowledge that the situation sucked, and instead went off when I was concerned about school and not keen on the possiblity of a move. If anyone wants more details I’d be willing to PM, but I fear I’ve posted too much identifiable information already and I don’t want to risk this thread coming up in any Google searches for states/universities.

Thank you everyone for your support. Even if I seem resistant…the fact that the people who chose to respond to this immediately pegged it as a serious problem is very affirming.

10

Glad you updated, I didn’t post earlier, because others said what I would have said, but have thought of you often and hope your situation is improving. Slow and steady wins the race. This isn’t a life sentence, just an ordeal that you have to get through to get to the other side. You can do this! Your focus and maturity is incredible and admirable. Not sure what the move means - sounds like an interview which is no guarantee of a change, so don’t stress that until you have more data and make adjustments to your plans if necessary then. Get help and support where you can, one service often leads to others, do not be afraid to ask. People are in those types of jobs or support groups because they like helping people, so let them do what they can for you. One of my favorite lines is by Dori in Disney’s Finding Nemo…when the net has captured all the fish and they are trying desperately to break free, Dori is on the outside chanting…“Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming.” :slight_smile: When life gets heavy, saying that to myself always makes me smile on the inside.

You got this.

11

I like the advice from cadreamin about not crossing a bridge re your dad until you come to it. Tune out your mom as best you can. Try to realize that the things she says are probably more to do with her issues, especially the schizophrenia, than with you. Hang in there, it sounds like you are being proactive and doing the best you can.

12

Your mom doesn’t get to decide on what HIPPA covers and when. You have insurance. There is no reason not to get therapy and medications covered by insurance. At this point, I think you are resistant to help in this manner, and I don’t really understand why. The insurance issue seems like an excuse. And earlier you complained you had to “pay out of pocket.” This makes no sense, frankly.

I understand the worry about the military but you DO have anxiety and depression. I think the priority is treatment. Your options for the future may expand with treatment. In a sense, it is fundamentally dishonest to hide your health issues by avoiding treatment, and this avoidance hurts you.

I feel like there is a lot of hiding going on, a lot of secrets, and that may be your biggest problem. Hiding what is going on from your parents, hiding therapy to avoid them knowing (not legit, you do have privacy), hiding from the military which results in no treatment, and all these efforts at hiding end up sabotaging you. I am not saying you don’t have a reason to protect your privacy with parents, but getting medical care will be private if you want it to be.

Get a therapist who is covered by your insurance and start some antidepressants. Start working toward a goal of moving out of the house to an apartment with others. Take fewer classes if you have to work more.

You are part of the family system whether you like it or not. It will take awhile to recover. You will come to see that you have become part of the problem and can also become part of the solution- for yourself.

13

RE the HIPAA issue: I think the OP is worried that her parents will know that she is seeking treatment when the EOB arrives at her home or by email. That is a very real concern for many young people 18-26 covered by the parent’s insurance plan. I get a notice any time my 21 yr old daughter uses her insurance card to cover charges at the doctor, urgent care, or pharmacy. If the OP pays out of pocket, there is no paper trail.

14

One of my kids wanted to see a therapist, and we had to discuss who was in network in her college town. Pretty sure she wouldn’t have told me if she didn’t need the coverage; she had been to campus health services and they recommended she see someone off campus. I honestly don’t know what it is for – I asked a few questions to confirm it is not life threatening, then helped her figure out the network issues. Still don’t know what the issue is, but am trying to respect her privacy as a young adult. The EOBs will come here, but I assume they will give little info.

15

The EOB will state the name of the treating provider so OP is right to be concerned. While the mother cannot access any details she certainly could google the treating providers name and put two and two together.

I am so sorry, tons of great advice and you are really much stronger than you think. You are actively working towards health and a solution in the way that works for you and have acknowledged your issues. You should be really really proud of yourself.

I hope that your school can aid in this area. You deserve treatment and I agree, meds could be life changing.

16

I just discovered this thread.

I just want to encourage the OP to consider medication, if it’s been suggested and offered by your therapist/doctor.

(and agree with others to use your parents’ insurance to cover costs! They’ve already paid for the insurance, you should use it.)

My D spent the last two years spiraling slowly into a a dark corner of anxiety and depression. Things came to a head in early April of this year, she spent a month in outpatient all-day group therapy, and was also prescribed medication - Lexapro - right away.

It was a couple of weeks before i started to see any significant changes in her behavior and mood with the Lexapro (and the therapy has seemed to be immensely helpful, as well) but now, a full month after starting on it, it’s like my old daughter - the bubbly, but focused girl she was in freshman year of HS - has emerged from her shell. She is more relaxed, more focused, more organized, and seems to be sleeping better.

She graduates from high school in two days and is looking forward to going to college in the fall, has made plans for the summer… This, from a girl I had to drag to college visits and who threatened to drop out of high school at one point.

Finally, it seems like your mother has the biggest problem here, and seems to exert control - even if it’s unwittingly - over the rest of the family’s mood. Moving away from home will help you a lot. You need distance. And it’s coming , very soon. Keep your eyes on the prize - moving out, transferring - and in the meantime, go ahead and stay away from home and your Mom as much as you need to - hang out on campus, with your friends, go to a cafe or diner and write in journal or read a book, go to the park and hang out or study, etc.

Obviously, if there are household duties and chores you need to do, make sure they’re done, you do need to contribute to the running of the household if you are living there… But other than that, make sure you get out enough.

BTDT, btw… My mother was not mentally ill, but very overbearing. She was part of the reason I transferred from a local college I commuted to, to another school two hours away. Amazingly, as soon as I moved away, we immediately started to get along better. 25 years alter, we take vacations together - willingly! But first, we needed that distance from each other…

17

https://www.sfs.opm.gov/StudFAQ.aspx

Rather than looking at a career in the military, with your CS degree, maybe you would want to work in Cybersecurity for the federal government?

There are programs you can apply to where the last 2 years of a bachelor’s degree are paid for, in return for a commitment of working for the fed gov for two years.

18

Just seeing now as well, and have sympathy for you. Sounds like you’ve done really well, actually, have been working and helping around the house significantly, and have good plans for the future.

Good thoughts above, but I also wonder about a middle path for you. I get the part about you not wanting to take meds given potential future military plan/option.
I didn’t see anything that would rule out talking with your dad alone (vice your mom) about going ahead and using the insurance. Maybe I missed something (and did try searching back), but seems he also has to deal with your mom and sees that dynamic. Perhaps you could talk to just him, and have him “run interference” on any insurance topic that (might) come up in the future. On that topic, in particular, you could just tell your mother you’re not discussing it.
Then you could just try more counseling, and see if later if you want to consider medication (such as very low dose Lexapro), but only in the future.
Best wishes, however you choose! Like others above, just want you to know we want the best for you.

19

Your mother sounds very much like mine; I was the oldest of three girls too. Do some reading about borderline personality disorder; it may be enlightening.

It took me years to realize it, but I needed to make a complete break from my mother. My other siblings did too, on their own timelines. It can be tough to come to that conclusion, especially when there is no physical abuse (which tends to make others empathetic and more willing to help), but sometimes it is necessary. I don’t have enough information to know whether that is true in your case, though I am getting that suffocating panicky feeling reading about your circumstances. It does not sound healthy.

Rather than backing off the plan for the military, I wonder if speeding up the timeline and joining now might be beneficial. You could get off your parents’ insurance and live independently; the military could eventually pay for school.

Another option is working for a place like Starbucks in the meantime, which offers insurance to part-timers. Keep in mind that some insurance plans will require other forms of insurance to be utilized first; not sure if that is the case for Starbucks.

Finally, if you could find a school that offers health plans to students, you could think about a transfer. The finances may be tricky. In your case, I think taking any loans offered would be a worthwhile investment in gaining early independence, and you may be able to enter loan repayment programs if you choose your post-grad jobs carefully.

Firm boundaries with your family of origin will be essential, but it can take years to understand what that means. Be kind to yourself, and try to avoid self destructive behavior (seriously, avoid alcohol, promiscuity, all the typical escapes. Exercise in moderation. You will thank your younger self later.)

20

Once again, I appreciate your guys’ time and input. Thank you.

@dentmom and @eandesmom: yes, thank you, this is my concern. I couldn’t remember the term at the time, but EOB was exactly what I was getting at. It doesn’t matter how vague the information is, any change to what they normally see and they will drill down. Unfortunately, my folks are not like @intparent. They’d want to know exactly what was wrong…which sounds nice, in principle, but I fear would be less than helpful.

@compmom yes, you’d be about right, the hiding **** certainly isn’t helpful.

@GoodGrief16 yes, I have looked at BPD. It is in fact eye opening. Yes, exactly, lack of physical abuse makes this so much harder. I feel like a whiner. Suffocating panicky feeling basically describes a good portion of my day. You are right on the mark.

@mommdc thanks for the link, I’ll look into that.

The move/interview/job turned out to be nothing, but I wasn’t the one that jumped the gun. My dad said something about me not having to move states with them if he got the job, and my mom picked a fight over the fact that I would even consider not putting everything on hold and moving to stay with them. I did NOT bring it up.

I haven’t been able to see my counselor for two weeks and I can see the difference; I went off the rails quite a bit mentally.

In terms of progress: the lady who runs the academic success center at my school has encouraged me to visit the resource center to see about getting assistance with a counselor/psychiatrist/medication, specifically paying for it, and has even offered to go with me, so I’ll be going sometime this month. I have a really good mental association with the academic success center and realized that, DUH, this is where I need to be doing my homework. For some reason I have a really hard time forcing myself to do school work at home (anxiety thing, not distraction).

So I will see what the resource center has to offer, get out of the house more, stay on campus at the academic success center, and really work intensively with my counselor on healthy coping mechanisms. If that doesn’t have a serious impact on my mental health and performance (ie my anxiety/depression is more chemical than situational), I will pursue medication.

Thinking forward, my career desires from greatest to least: military officer (intelligence/analytics/programming/cyber security/security forces) >> intelligence/cyber security for government or contractor as a civilian (ex civilian job in the Air Force) >> project management >> software engineer/game design >> code monkey. @CurlSnout project management in the private sector is my middle ground and what I would pursue post military service should that come to pass.

My vices are caffeine and nicotine (a few puffs off an e-cig every few months). Yes, I do know both those things effect anxiety, especially the metric ton of caffeine I drink. No alcohol, no drugs, no sex. While I’m for the legalization of marijuana, I count it among my blessings that I have never smoked it myself especially considering my career aspirations, because boy have I had ample opportunities. I have joked that Dentyne cinnamon gum is the reason I don’t smoke a pack a day.