<p>My mom is mentally disabled; she has schizophrenia. In recent years, her mental state has been worse than in the past. She was put in a mental hospital couple of times already and doctors say she will never get better and will continue to worsen. Shes been on meds which keeps her to be normal. When meds don't work anymore for her, that's when I worry when she starts acting really strange again. Although, when she's normal she is still weird. Like she wouldn't pay attention to whatever I asked. I have to repeat multiple times until she could try focus on what i have to say. She's thinking too much in her mind and talks to herself. And when I do ask, she always told me to go find out myself or she doesn't know anything. I know she does know the answer to some things and she is reasonable when telling me how to be a good girl and take care of myself etc... But other times when she not lecturing me, she doesn't care. It's not fair when she tries to be as normal as possible in front of other family members and strangers but she's alone with me and my other siblings, she acts up weird.
My dad is not in the picture because he's only home once a week because he works at a different state which makes it even harder for me and my other siblings to watch after my mother. So I feel like I'm not that close with my parents?
My mom has this kind of personality... She is caring, smart, etc. But I just don't like her other personality.. she's overprotective, pessimistic, only thinks traditionally, makes every seem so secretive. Also, if she thinks if one makes a mistake she thinks the world is over.
She is constantly reminding me to do everything correctly and it's annoying because if i hear it one time or two times., i think it's enough.<br>
She's depressed half the time and I just don't know how to make her feel better. She wouldn't tell me whatever is on her mind and frankly, i don't think she trusts anyone in the household even my dad.
Sometimes i think it's just me... My mother would tell me something and it would kind of annoy me and then so i give her an attitude. She would just continue and tell me that i'm wrong all the time and that I'm just not good enough. I remember her telling me that I should not achieve the highest or feel so greatly accomplished but rather just do whatever everyone else does and be normal. We were talking about college and she told me, i'm not good enough to get a Ph.D or something and I should stick at most Masters. (I thought it was ridiculous). Basically she degrades me all the time and it makes me feel really upset that I cry in front of her because she doesn't want me to have the best. I Don't know. Am i overacting? or This is quite normal in some households? i don't know if i can concentrate if i stay here for college... I need some advice about this.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t consider this normal behavior. Yes, we all deal with strained relationships with those we love but this seems like a different story. </p>
<p>Is your only option to live at home while in college? It seems like this environment will be/already is detrimental to your academic and personal success. If you must stay at home, I would spend more time with your siblings. If they are younger, become that person they can look up to since they currently don’t have anyone like that in their lives.</p>
<p>I would continue to seek medical attention for your mom, especially if the current meds aren’t working.</p>
<p>This is just the advice of a college kid, seek professional advice if you can (many schools have counselors). </p>
<p>I wish you the best of luck in school. Even if your mom doesn’t believe in you, know that we on CC always will.</p>
<p>scrutrules: what a nice response from a college kid. you show a maturity level beyond your age. are you by any change a Tulane student?</p>
<p>Well staying here is only convenient and cheap for me. I can go far but not too far because i’m worried about my mom, if i ever need to be home for emergencies since my dad is never home just once a week. My younger brother seems clueless sometimes.
Yeah she goes to see her doctor every week or so but like there are times when it just happens she becomes really crazy. I was terrified when i had to deal with her all alone one time and i called my dad and my aunt and older sister for more help.
Thanks.</p>
<p>I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you. Are you planning to leave home for college? If at all possible, I think that is your best option. You are a child. You are not the parent. It is not your job to parent you mother. Your father must be aware of the problem. Can you share your concerns with your Dad? Is there some adult you can confide in? </p>
<p>You can survive this. Many successful adults have dealt with toxic parents. If you aspire to getting a PhD, do not allow anyone, even a parent tell you what you cannot do. Use their negative energy as fuel to propel you forward.</p>
<p>Keep us informed and stay strong.</p>
<p>Thanks 2pathsmom. If I get a full ride to a school where i have to stay on campus, that can do. My mom did say she doesn’t really care but just go as long there’s other resources available for me. The one problem I have is that I worry about her if i don’t really “parent” her. Infact, my dad tells me it should be our responsibility to watch after her. He doesn’t understand the pain and stress we have to go through when he’s not in the house… If he truely does care, he would be home more often? I just still don’t understand why he has to go far to work. And he makes barely enough to support everyone else in the family.
I just want to to college already and accomplish something that my parents never did.</p>
<p>myboby, right next door at Loyola! I have taken classes at Tulane though, does that count as being a student? ;)</p>
<p>I would like to reiterate that while you worry for your mom, and rightfully so, you cannot let this weigh you down. Now is your chance to take that next step, take it with confidence in yourself.</p>
<p>Sorry to hear of this difficult situation. I agree with the previous posters that your best option is to choose a residential situation for college so you can get a bit of a break.</p>
<p>Honestly I think this is an adult problem and that your father has the primary responsiiblity to address it. While I understand that his work might mean he spends time away from home, he is still a husband and father. Seems the burden of your mother’s mental illness is falling squarely on your shoulders as the oldest sibling. Families need to work together to solve these types of matters, but in my view this a serious problem that requires more of your father’s attention. Perhaps you could sit down and discuss this with him to see if he has any suggestions that might make your situation a bit easier. Is he home on week-ends?</p>
<p>Lilmelonred, I hope you take advantage of that chance to be physically away for college and not try to assume this burden that is too big for your shoulders and is your dad’s responsibility–even if he’s away for work. Your mom has been diagnosed with a mental illness that does not go away, but it can be maintained. If it’s possible to make contact with your mother’s medical team, do so. They and your dad have an obligation to make sure you aren’t the stopgap. I worry about your younger sibling (is there more than one?). You don’t say how old he is. Once you’re away at school, is there a chance he could go live with your dad during the week and attend school there? If you’re dad has any choice about where he works (and in this economy, he might not), he should find a way to be closer to home. Keep a journal of times when you think your mom is acting strangely, record the time of day & situation. It might be useful to give to her doctors and could help them adjust her meds.</p>
<p>Lilmelonred, my sympathy and empathy. I have heard wonderful things about this support and advocacy group for those whose lives have been affected by mental illness:
[NAMI</a> | Find Support](<a href=“http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?section=Find_Support]NAMI”>http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?section=Find_Support)</p>
<p>I feel so bad that you are carrying this as the oldest child in the family. My guess is that it’s scary for you to look for help, for fear that it will do more harm than good. If you don’t trust other obvious choices (maybe the social worker in your high school?), this group might help.</p>
<p>Is there any possibility that your siblings could move in with your dad if worst came to worst after you leave home?</p>
<p>Wow, you have a lot to deal with. It’s not fair that you have become the adult in this household, and your father is wrong to say it is your job to take care of mom. Clearly, her disability is more profound than one family member’s ability to deal with it. Can you talk to a teacher or counselor at school? And don’t sugar-coat it – you are telling us you are sometimes afraid of her, and for her. That your father is not present. That your siblings need care and so do you. There are groups and people who might be able to help you, so please find a caring, stable adult (teacher? pastor? neighbor? not a family member) who can help you find help. I imagine it is scary to do that, you might be afraid of being blamed for causing trouble? But you and your siblings need and deserve help. Things can be better than they are. </p>
<p>No, this is not normal. Your mom can’t help her disability, but you can’t fix her either. No amount of perfect behavior can treat the biological problems in her wiring that have made her a schizophrenic. That’s not her fault, it’s not your fault, but it’s okay to say you need help.</p>
<p>You need to separate yourself from her, mentally, and then physically when you can. </p>
<p>My husband’s mother is like this. And she would act normal for the most part in front of relatives. Not completely normal, but she is tolerable for them. For us, she is a complete problem. </p>
<p>I met my husband at 22 yrs old. His mother’s sickness (just because it is a sickness, it is not ok to take her abuses. It is harder to recognize abuses when you are in the middle of it. She could behave better if she wanted to, as evidenced by how she treats others outside the family.) Oh yeah, I was talking about my mother-in-law. She has been ripping our lives to shreds for years. There were many times I thought he needed to end things with his mother, and he didn’t. Others around us were saying it needs to end. Frankly, there are many times where I do not know why I stayed with him. I regret it. All I have been through all these years because of his mother just has been hellish.</p>
<p>His mother is out of our lives now. My husband regrets that he did not walk the day he graduated high school. After high school, he went to U of Chicago and met someone very nice that he probably would have married, but his mother kept interfering. Nothing my husband ever did was good enough, AND no one he was ever with was good enough. It is not a “my son is so great that no one can be good enough for him” it was always as “my son is so beneath me, no one good enough would ever want to be with him.” My husband never recognized this. We went through years and years of hell. Then, this past fall, his mother tried to steal our home from us. yep. She tried to claim to have insider information from the IRS that we are about to have our home and everything in it seized and that the only way for him to get out of it is to sign everything over to her. He refused. But honestly, years ago, he would have signed. He was so wrapped up in her abuse and no matter how bad she was, would excuse everything away. This was not even the worst thing she had tried to get away with (and she has gotten away with a lot) this was just yet another in many years of junk. My husband ended up all worked up and freaked out and insisting his mother knows something. He would not believe me when I told him over and over again it was just another one of her stunts and that it was vitally important that he not give in to her. I ended up hiring a lawyer to explain this to my husband. And that was not enough so I also called the IRS while my husband actually threw up because he was so sure we were just digging a deeper hole because he was so convinced she would not flat out lie like that. The IRS assured him that our taxes are fine and that the IRS does not give inside information to his mother (we are in our 40’s, she is 70) that they are coming after us. And if they did come after us, they would send us a letter first. Taking a person’s home and everything in it is a severe thing, resulting from extensive tax evasion, and is only done after many court hearings and such. Despite all this, at 42 years old, my husband was still so wrapped up in the abuse, 42 years of abuse, that he was having a hard time seeing it for what it was.</p>
<p>Then, we went to breakfast with Santa with them. I did not want to go, the kids all wanted to stay home, they all saw my husband’s mother for what she was. My husband wanted to go because he was just so sure that his parents (like your dad, his dad was always gone. Have you considered what your dad is really doing when he knows your mother has these problems, yet, he keeps leaving you alone with her all the time?) would be so thrilled to hear our son got in to his top choice college, with scholarship. And our daughter has a very good PSAT score. She will be at least commended, and possibly semi-finalist. I told my husband they never cared about our children, they still won’t care. My husband begged, and we went. AND THEN, when he told them about what is going on with our children, sister-in-law and mother-in-law jumped right in there, objecting and mocking us and basically calling us liar and claiming SILs child had earned all that and more, even though she is just a high school sophomore, so it is nothing. I didn’t fight back. But, when we got up to leave, sister-in-law and mother-in-law come up to me, corner me, and SIL starts punching me (while I was holding my 3 yr old, which threw my 3 yr old to the ground and he got hurt) while MIL held tight to DH’s arms and screamed at him of what she is going to do to us next. Fortunately, my son is 18 yrs old so he stepped in and stopped SIL. I held my phone out and called 911 and SIL ran away. Once MIL realized I was holding the phone out for 911 to hear her threats, she ran away too. </p>
<p>Can you believe it took all this for my husband to finally face up to what they are? Seriously!!! </p>
<p>It builds. It will build. There is an old story. Put a frog in cold water and heat it up and the frog will boil to death. Put the frog in boiling water and it will jump right out. Being with my husband for me was like being put in boiling water. I saw what his mother was right away. For him though, he grew up with it and never saw it for what it was. He always had excuses. </p>
<p>Do not wait until you are in your 40’s to finally break free. We have years of healing over this. Break free as soon as possible. Go to college, and don’t turn back. Go to a great college. And start your life…I mean, start it for real. Meet someone nice, or have a career, whatever your dreams are. But don’t turn back.</p>
<p>Your dad is an adult. Shame on him for leaving you and your siblings in this situation. (((hugs)))</p>
<p>I am sorry, too. You say your mother is getting treatment. You should request to see her counselor and let him/her know the issues that you are suffering. S/he might have some suggestions and is someone familiar with your mother’s problems and health. Is the clinic/facility/hospital/doctor’s office affilated with anything that can help you? Can yo talk to her doctor? It might be a good move for you to go away to school if you can. It might be a big problem. It might be a manageable one if done in a planned way. You need professional help on this.</p>
<p>You’ve gotten a lot of good advice. Calling NAMI should be something at the top of your list. It is a wonderful organization, and they will have people who are familiar with resources in your area and can tell you precisely who to call for help. They can offer support groups and other resources. They might be able to help you talk to your father about this.</p>
<p>IMHO, your dad is acting irresponsibly in leaving you to cope with this. I am sorry for all of you, including your parents, and would not minimize how difficult this is for him, but it is not sufficient to earn a paycheck and show up once a week. You say you have an older sister? And an aunt, and possibly other local relatives? I would suggest that you MUST get out of this household when you enter college, and that your younger brother should also. From the sound of it, your mother needs careful monitoring to stabilize her condition. It sounds like she isn’t getting it. One would hope that your older sister, aunt, and other relatives could manage a better living situation for your brother once you leave for college.</p>
<p>There are people here who have plenty of professional expertise in this area who can give you more informed advice than the rest of us.</p>
<p>Thanks to all for the advices. Sorry that I didn’t clarify that I have an older sister who couple of years ago when she was here for college, she had to go through the same thing. She was really stressed and took longer to graduate college due to my mothers problem. She also agrees that it’s the father’s responsibility to look after his wife. Or else that would mean he’s avoiding her. He even told me to stay here for college since I would be home for emergencies. Now that she is out of undergrad, she’s going to grad school and living with her bf at a different state. My dad is not well informed nor educated and has no idea about my mother’s mental illness and therefore jumping to conclusions etc. He’s only home once a week for like less than 12 hours and then he leaves for work again… We usually communicate through phone if anything happens in the house. He’s just workingg all day everyday at his workplace other than the day he’s home. That’s all i know. I feel my mom is really lonely and depressed when i check on her. I would try to talk to her but My home language skills isn’t good enough for me to communicate with her. i would have trouble understanding and talking to her and she would assume i said something else instead of what i intended to say…And the reason is because when i was younger, my mom and dad never really talked to me much and therefore i didn’t learn much. My dad has been doing this “coming home once a week” since I was born. </p>
<p>@oldmom: If the worst comes to worst, there’s no way my younger brother can move in with my dad. My dad lives in this apartment thing for workers at his workplace. No one is allowed to live there except my dad. My brother might have to move all the way down with my older sister and her bf if something goes really really wrong. </p>
<p>There was a pretty scary and hectic time couple of years ago when my mother was seriously mentally illed. My dad was home that day… and it was early in the morning. My mother couldn’t sleep and was pacing back and forth. He knew she was strange again and is illed. My mom doesn’t trust my dad and therefore she refuses to say anything to him. She going crazy and said she wanted to go outside. She yelled and just wanted to run out the door. My dad was extremely worried and stopped her from going. He thought that if she ran out the door, she could’ve ran into the streets and got herself hurt/ killed. my dad woke my older sister and me up and told my sister to call 911 immediately. Thank god the police soon came and my mom was still crazy. They took her to the hospital but my mom refused to go and they had to drag her out while she cried. She thought she was getting arrested. Of course now she realized we saved her life but is still skeptical about all this. She is mad at my dad for calling 911 out of no where. She kept telling me to not listen to my dad next time and just nicely ask her if she wants to go to the hospital if she is sick… This was just one episode.</p>
<p>Another one was just as scary. She was hurting herself and locking herself in her own room going crazy all night for the whole week without sleeping! The one person she does trust is her older sister. I had to call my aunt to convince my mother to go to the hospital and get better.</p>
<p>My mother sees her doctor every week. My sister and my dad tried to talk to her doctor without my mother knowing we snuck in there to ask for advice or things we can do to help. I don’t think my mom sees a good psychologist. There was a time where it seems to be the doctors fault that he made my mom go back to being ill? My mom was smart enough to tell him about the drugs that she was having and will be receiving but it turned out, she listened to him and made her sick again? That’s what i was told by my sister. The insurance my parents have is not accepted by many psychologists. </p>
<p>My mom does not like other people to know that she’s sick. Yes, my sister agreed to have someone coming over sometimes and monitor her if she’s taking her meds or not. But my mom is extremely stubborn ):. Thats what makes everything so difficult. My brother is only 15 and is in his first year of high school. He won’t be away until he graduate. I hope I can afford to go away. When i told her that I want to go away from this, she automatically assumed that I don’t care about her. But the truth is I really do and i worry for her. Infact,she thinks no one in the household cares about her which is why she can’t trust any of us. My sister hopes that we can try to hold this in until we can work and have enough money to pay towards a nursing home for my mother to stay.</p>
<p>Honestly, is it even legal what your dad is doing? I don’t know any thing about the law, but this should be seen as child abuse, because that’s exactly what it is. No kid should be putting up with your situation. Call you dad and tell him what a #$#$%&#%!&*%^&@@$@#$@#%$%^#$% @$%@$%@ #$%@%@$%$%@ he is and that this is HIS damn responsibility, not yours.</p>
<p>I did tell him that. But he kept saying if he doesn’t work , who is going to get paid and earn a living for us. Even if he is home and took care of this, he wouldn’t know what to do and might even make this matter worse. The thing he did last time already made my mother mad at him and does not trusts him anymore.</p>
<p>Can’t he divorce your mother and take custody of his kids? (which sounds selfish, but it seems far worse to have left three kids alone with their schizophrenic mother). Honestly, it doesn’t sound like work- he’s a %&^%$^ who doesn’t want to deal with a problem. What job is this that he can only come home once a week? Why doesn’t he try to find a job closer to home? Tell him to cut the crap already.</p>
<p>My mom does not believe in divorce. I’m not sure about my dad. </p>
<p>He’s a cook/ chef at different state near by. I’m wondering the same why he can’t find a job here. His excuse was… Bosses at workplaces here will not be willing to help you with something with taxess" i forgot what he told me but it was something like that. He also said that he can be easily fired. He’s not educated enough to find a decent job where it can last him for a while. He could’ve opened his own businesss but he didn’t take the risk. If my mom wasn’t sick, she could find a better job than my dad.</p>
<p>I am assuming that you are in high school - is there a counselor that you might speak to about all this? I am thinking that there must be some community resources available to you. Your mother needs help, more than you can give her. Your father does not seem willing to address the situation and is looking to you to shield him from this problem. It should be the other way around. </p>
<p>I would start with your school and try to find out where you can go for some assistance - there are community programs for these types of situations and help is provided at no cost.</p>