The other thing is that some take the attitude that at 80+ or 90+ years, I can do as I want, including being as demanding, rude, bullying, etc and have “earned” the right, so folks should honor and venerate me, even if I am obnoxious and REFUSE to consider any burdens I place on others. Such folks wonder why people don’t choose to spend more time around them.
Agree HImom. I think there is that circle of life where they become the 2 years old that is very self centered and demanding. My dad never got that way at 87 but he was always very nice. My mother at 95 got a lot worse as well as FIL at 94. MIL died at 76 and was very sweet.
My MIL and FIL were always sweet, as is my mom. I have known others who are not.
On the other hand, my father was not a nice person until he got older. He is now very sweet. He is only 81 so maybe he still has plenty of opportunity. It is something I expect, given his dementia. But it won’t be his fault as his brain is clearly addled. My mom has always been sweet.
I feel like my dad has ALWAYS been extremely self-centered. And with dementia it seems worse.
My (once again) amateur theory is that personality disorders get worse usually, though there is some debate about that from what I read.
I could see if the ‘anxiety’ part of your brain is diminished, that may let your true nature become more evident. I.e., if you’re actually a kind person, maybe that shines more than the stuff that anxiety produces when you’re younger.
With my MIL, her anxiety center of her brain has always been and still is the strongest thing going, unfortunately. And she doesn’t have her previous self-soothing behaviors available.
It is absolute torture for her and breaks my heart.
@SouthFloridaMom9 thanks for posting that about anxiety and self soothing. That describes my friend to a T and I hadn’t been able to put my finger on it.
My mom is much sweeter now with her dementia. She can’t keep up ,manipulation but still wants people to like her so she is sweet.
Yes @esobay. MIL used to self-soothe by calling friends, going to the mall, watching home shopping. She always loved to shop and look her best. She looked like an aging movie starlet (truly a beautiful woman) and got much mileage from that. Now she can’t do any of that stuff so the anxiety has nowhere to go.
What is with the anxiety and fear as people age? My mother is so fearful it makes us crazy dealing with it. I feel sorry for her, and yet, I don’t, since I am living with her baseless fears 24/7
I don’t know @somemom. Have wondered the same thing.
Where I work, the docs do use some medications for easing anxiety. Some residents go for a psych evaluation and get put on the right mix of medications for them. Medications can help, more for some than others. I have residents that are anxious about getting their anxiety medication right on time…
One resident has a daughter that is a health professional, and her mother is totally out of it most of the time (carries a baby doll and babbles a lot) but at recent work time, the mom recognized her daughter and told her she loves her - I am sure her daughter felt appreciation but also continuing sadness. But her mom is not sad and is content except for the behavior loop she is in, so that is about as good as it seems we can get with her. Sometimes refuses meds but sometimes takes them cooperatively.
I assume that greater anxiety among people with dementia arises at least in part from the combination of impaired (but not totally absent) cognition and reduced control. For example, my former MIL went through a stage in which she was very anxious. One of the things she said was that there was a strange man in the other room. The “strange man” was her husband. So, her brain still functioned sufficiently so that she knew there was a man in the other room but not well enough for her to know it was her husband, and there was nothing she could do about it because he was there all the time and he certainly wasn’t going to leave on her say-so (nor should he have).
I think some elders just handle aging challenges by their predominant preferred method. For some, that is being a pleaser while for others, it’s anger that is easier and easier to set off all the time. Filters for social situations seem to go rather quickly as well, making it tougher as well.
Some of it is they know they are losing their memory so will call maybe 6 or more times in 10 minutes to re-confirm the date and time of an event. It’s exhausting for everyone, but part of the process.
It is interesting to see how people age. I remember hearing a gerontologist speak to a graduate school class decades ago: his message was people don’t become whole new people as they age, but become a somewhat more exaggerated version of themselves. Hmm… there may be some truth to that, yet there are so many variables related to physical, situational,emotional and financial vulnerabilities. Serious illnesses and chronic pain wear you out and certainly take their toll. Worries about ill spouses, care options, the kid who never grew up, and money are powerful if you continue to feel responsible past your ability to tend them. Some people seem okay losing aspects of their autonomy, especially if it coincides with decreased capacity that they accept and others shoot the messenger.
I think that in some cases, medication evaluations can make a huge difference for anxious, moody or agitated elders. There is often a lot of resistance to a psychiatric work up, but there are ways to respond to their symptoms and complaints: the doctor may have something to help you with that. No big deal made. No potentially humiliating emphasis on diagnosis.
I lucked out because when it really counted my parents “leaned in” to their increasing needs and let me help them become well-situated. It took a lot of effort to get there. This reduced my mother’s anxiety and increased her quality of life enormously. My mother was at her best after receiving a terminal diagnosis, as she let go of mental clutter and focused on enjoying family visits without putting pressure on herself to tackle more than she could handle. She also spoke directly about the big stuff.
My father, always easy-going, had progressive memory loss that became severe by the time he died at 92. He never lost his humor and gratitude to all who cared for him. He believed he was in good hands, and celebrated that he didn’t have to do anything but “enjoy the day”. The memory loss protected him from grief and the cumulative stress of of physical symptoms.
I guess elder tending has yet another thing in common with raising kids. Both are humbling and often what you learn from one loved one has no relevance to what the others need.
That’s amazing (though sad of course), @travelnut, about your mom’s graceful acceptance of her condition.
With MIL, and with my H’s family - there’s this weird fiction going that nobody is ever going to die including his mom who has been going progressively downhill for the last 5 years.
Until very recently it was taboo to talk about any end-of-life matters. Even now that things are really bad - we have had to drag sister-in-law kicking and screaming into hospice (for MIL) which is completely revocable and another great source of support for MIL.
My parents are much more practical about this stuff. Maybe I get that from them.
Just venting here. . .Filing paperwork is one of my least favorite chores. Now I find myself managing not just my family’s lives but my two parents’. Filling EOB forms, referral forms, doctor’s notes, change of address forms, bank statements, mutual fund statements, LTC insurance claims etc etc.
I spent much of today just filing and organizing my parents paperwork and bills. And I do as much as possible online!
Vent away @surfcity . . . my husband’s stack for his mom is unbelievable.
Yet with all the crap, we somehow don’t have the few things we actually DO need. To wit: It took over a month to get a certified copy of her birth certificate.
My favorite is all the wrangling we’ve had to do with a national company where my MIL worked for awhile . . . she has a pension of $400 a year maybe, and we have basically needed an Act of Congress to straighten that out. Again, not talking mega money. 
Absolutely NONE of this stuff was ever addressed when she was still able to deal with it.
My H finally told Comcast to go stuff it.
Feeling like I sound very bitter - sorry. Venting here too.
@surfcity - it is a big commitment to do the elder paperwork on top everything else. Bravo for you for plowing through it. I was grateful that Medicare and parents’ Medigap policy worked seamlessly for the 15 years I was responsible and that they had laid the legal groundwork necessary.
@SouthFloridaMom9 - I don’t think there is much worse than fiction when it comes to this phase. Makes it impossible to plan, if your parents are the only ones who will live forever. Greatest gift is the entire family knowing where elders stand on end of life decisions. Can reduce tensions and be the most comforting thing if it is time to say no more to treatment or intervention.
@SouthFloridaMom9 , my former FIL is the opposite. He bought a life insurance policy on his wife once he seriously suspected she had Alzheimer’s disease and I think it’s accurate to say that he is disappointed that she is still alive 10 years later. He was counting on her being one of the people to survive only 5-7 years after diagnosis.
I hate filing, too! Have the same piles to do for my mom. Her bills from recent hospitalization are starting to trickle in. Lots of little (thank goodness) checks to write. Haven’t seen anything from a month in rehab center yet.
Just went through filing an appeal. Insurance wanted to send her home. Um, she can’t go up three stairs yet. She can’t transfer yet. She is making progress but she’s old and slow. Only 48 hours notice. Luckily I won the appeal so a few extra days for more progress.