Some elderly decline very rapidly, while others decline in various ways. Those around need to also accept some of those changes. For example, working in skilled care/rehab as a RN, I have seen where residents want to swallow medications ‘whole’, but they do so with great difficulty. So I offer crushed and in thickened apple flavored, and it goes down so easily. They accept these changes gradually.
One needs to coordinate family members in the household to help cover the bases if one has an elderly parent staying for care. There needs to be a lot of cooperation from the elderly person as well - for example if they are a fall risk, have them only go a limited area with their walker, and ask for help - like from BR or living room to bathroom; and have that path be as safe as possible. I have a friend whose mother is at their home - and she has adult children in area that move in while her H and she are away on travel - this woman is 90, needs a walker, and is fairly frail. However they work within limitations and they are very careful.
Each family has to decide if care options in your area can be a better plan.
IMHO if the elderly person is incontinent, and adults in household are working outside the home, need to find other care unless able to have in-home care coming in, at least for the time adults are away from the home.
Some elderly wear a brief because they just lack bladder control, but are between continent and incontinent.
We have PT and OT coming, and a home health nurse. The goal is strong legs, good balance, and ability to do stairs. She is doing better with all three. Her progress is slow, and complicated by short term memory issues.
I’m glad I can vent here. I am willing to try whatever it takes to keep her in our home environment as long as possible, but I do know my limitations and will bring in outside help, or move her to SNF or memory care when I’ve maxed myself out. Her mom lived to 93 or 95 so I hate the idea of her being in a facility for possibly ten years. (She’s 80 now.)
Some things about being a caregiver evolve almost daily. Several years ago, when discussing the possible need for nursing care in the future (brought up as a reason for her to save her money and stop donating to so many charities), my mom said “you can be my nurse. You would be the best nurse for me!” I told her no, I could never change her underwear and such.
But here we are! And I’ve already figured out some tricks that are working, like how I make up her bed, what kinds of clothes I put on her, best times to attempt bathroom visits, how to give her the meds, etc.
So- I reached out in an unlikely direction- her out-of-state sister. (She calls at Christmas and some years we see her at a family wedding or event.) She said she will come visit in a few weeks. She also offered to help with the house. Both things helped me feel a little better, even though she’s made these offers before with no follow through. If she visits, I will get at least a few hours of a break each day. And she’s a fun person, so we will enjoy her visit.
H has been gone for work a lot lately, but I can run out for an hour if mom is napping and he’s home. I finally got to do that today.
So thanks for listening and offering ideas that are helpful! I truly appreciate it!
My MIL has finally admitted that it’s time to quit driving and maybe have some household help. We are interviewing a group from “Right at Home” tomorrow. They provide care as needed (drive to grocery, hairdresser, housekeeping) on an hourly basis.
Has anyone had experience with this group? Although since it’s a franchise one location could be great and another horrible.
And then there’s the car. She wants to just donate it. Researching the places that don’t use intermediaries who suck out all the $. Make a Wish was her first choice and they seem to be on the top ten worst…
Nice @dragonmom, those are 2 really big hurdles. I typically donate my cars to NPR. I didn’t realize about the intermediary issues. I’m glad you are working on getting help @psychmomma.
I just pulled the trigger on getting help 4 hours/day with my parents. I still have a concern there is nothing for an aide to “do.” I have learned in this process that it is much better to have a physical problem. You can use assistive devices such as wheelchairs and walkers, but there is nothing to do for the brain besides bring in another brain.
I used Right at Home and was very pleased. It’s true though that everything would be dependent on the local management. There are many agencies out there and this one was referred to me by the social worker at the hospital.
Just got my copy of The Merck Manual of Health and Aging. Very comprehensive. Whole section on social, legal, and ethical issues. Between the book and the internet, and use of local resources, lots of helpful information. I purchased a hard back copy that had both printings in 2004. May have been updated since then, but much of the info in the book is relevant and current.
@dragonmom , is there any chance your MIL would be eligible for Medicaid at some point? If so, you might want to find out if giving away the car would be considered a divestment. It probably wouldn’t, but I’m not sure.
Agree it helps to try to get a local opinion on a home health care organization. Possible sources include local assisted living places who require that the help their residents use is certified. They see the workers in action, with a professional eye, over time. Also, councils on aging, geriatric social service agencies and primary care doctors may have some helpful ideas, as might discharge planners at a hospital as surfcity mentioned or rehab facility. Also, geriatric care managers in local area can be a great help with finding services and managing logistics along the way.
Thanks @rosered55 , but fortunately for her Medicaid won’t be in her future unless there is a bigger-than-the-30’s crash. She lives well but simply, and spends less than SS, pension and investment income.
My MIL is referring to this new helper as “my driver”. Sounds lots better than “my caregiver”.
@dragonmom, we considered donating our beat-up old car. It turned out to be much easier to just take it to CarMax. They handled all of the transfer paperwork and we left with a check in less than 45 minutes. I wouldn’t get rid of an old car any other way!
Reading these stories is heartbreaking and now I have my own to share. My MIL is 89. She is blind, diabetic and has dementia. This past week she was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer. Chemo and radiation have been ruled out because of her health. Surgery is the last option. Next Friday the family goes before a review board to discuss what type of surgery etc. My FIL feels maybe it’s time to put her in a rest home. He has done a wonderful job, but I think he is becoming overwhelmed with everything. He is 87. My husband and I feel maybe it is for the best, but my 2 SIL’s don’t want to go down this path. My husband and I and one SIL live 4 hrs away. One SIL lives in the same town as the parents. How do children of aged parents come to an agreement about what is best for their parents? The personalities involved are all over the map! How do you make an aged parent make them realize they need help. I know there are no tried and true answers.
As I previously posted, I agreed to have a companion in with my parents for 4 hours a day. I’m really struggling with this. The doctors want it for “safety.” I’ve already removed the gun, credit cards, and car, so what’s left? Until they wander, and I have no evidence of this, I can’t imagine what kind of trouble they can get into at their CCRC. Yes, it’s not perfectly safe, but I don’t have a perfectly safe live either as I drive to and from work. At what point do we accept risk for dignity and privacy?
@Chumom, who is the health care power of attorney agent for your MIL? If there is one, that person has the final say. I’m actually surprised that surgery is being seriously considered for an individual in your MIL’s situation. It seems as though palliative care should be the top choice.
@GTalum- if they need it for safety, why 4 hours instead of all waking hours? Or 24 hours? They do have each other, which may not be much, but it’s something.
I’m struggling with the thought that mom should never be left alone. Before she was sick, she was alone a lot, and I wasn’t worried. She could call if she needed anything. She was content to do her little activities until we got home.
Thank you for your replies. My SIL says she has POA. My husband and I aren’t quite sure. This has happened suddenly. My FIL is still of sound mind and healthy so we assumed he had final say. But my SIL when asked by a nurse in charge of the committee asked if she had POA and she said yes. My husband feels that perhaps it’s not worth the pain and suffering of surgery to add a few months to her life. She has so little enjoyment now. Food and having her family around. That’s about it. When they talk to the drs. next Friday I guess the pros and cons of surgery will be discussed and then decided upon. I think right now the big question is how do we give her the care she needs. The family is not at odds. We all love her and want the best. But that big dark cloud of guilt will hang over us no matter what is decided. Thank you for being my sounding board.
Yes, the guilt! I am POA for my mom. She also gets little enjoyment, and with advancing dementia, is frequently frustrated and depressed at not being able to think and remember. (She has also said she’s had enough, for quite a long time.) She’s had such a miserable time recovering from her recent illness, it makes me question whether that is something she should have to do again if something happens. I don’t want to make that decision. Hopefully the doctors will be honest about the prognosis with and without surgery, Chumom.