@Mommertons We had a similar problem. My dad always managed the finances and got anxious and confused when he got statements in the mail and felt he should take care of them. Mom never had any interest in such before dementia. Yes, get everything switched to your address. I don’t think the taxes should be a problem as long as their residence is where they are. I suspect actual property taxes will need to be sent to their address. I was told checks from the IRAs “had to” be sent to their residence but I did get them to send to me.
@Mommertons , How often do you visit your parents? I took over my parents bills via on-line payments and just had them pile everything else in a basket. When I visited about once a month I would go through all the mail and take care of whatever I needed to. It wasn’t the best situation, but it worked for us.
I have a question that I hope is not out of place here. We’ve been fortunate that my Mother has not needed to use her LTC insurance but paying that bill every month for her, has made me aware that my husband and I should get that insurance for ourselves. We got the paperwork for the plan offered by my husbands company and it seems that it would hardly cover anything, even at the highest option. I won’t bother going into details, but for a payout of $64 a month we would get $3,000 in care per month for a maximum of three years. My understanding is that $3,000 a month is not real coverage now, let alone how much it will be in 20+ years when we would most likely need it. There’s a little more to it then that, but just going through this plan has made me wonder what else is out there. Any suggestions on how to do a search without getting on spam lists and being inundated with confusing offers?
@walkinghome- LTC seems to me an aspect of caring for elders, including perhaps ourselves. As to purchasing it, the options available vary by a lot of factors. Speaking in generalities though, DH and I found it extremely helpful to look at long term care insurance in the context of our total financial picture, now and going into retirement. It was clear in this process, that LTC insurance is not right for everyone and that there is a “sweet spot” of a financial picture where it makes good sense, while people on either side of that spot may want to opt out. Self insuring can be a better option for those with high enough assets. On the other side of the equation, as long term care costs increase greatly with age, those on a tight retirement budget may wind up needing to opt out of the payments even as the likelihood of needing it increases. In that case, it may have been better to be saving those monthly payments over time.
Is the coverage you are describing $3000 per person in care or total for a couple? Does it include AL with a medical component or only SNF care? Also, check out the history and ratings of the company. Long term care insurance that I have seen doesn’t aim to provide full coverage for the care, though it may help some. We spoke with one salesperson of LTC insurance and of course, they were much more interested in the sale than the process of assessing whether the product itself was appropriate for us. We found our financial planner and estate attorney were very useful in making our decision. Best with it.
I’m planning on buying LTC insurance. With 2 parents with dementia, I really need to plan appropriately. I can tell you, that $3,000 would be a great supplement to their care. That plus SS will pay for the current care needs of one parent.
It’s been a while, but I finally got through the entire thread. My sincere condolences to those of you who have suffered losses while I have been reading! My mother seems to have taken an upswing; she had a pressure ulcer that I showed her doctor, and he ordered out home health care. That, and another one that was trying to form have almost 100% healed and the nurse is just waiting for that last scab to drop off before she stops coming. PT will come another two or three weeks, she has Mom a lot stronger and walking better. Mom has complained with her left leg and was only able to lift it with her hands, the PT wanted us to take her to the doctor but we tried Aleve and she is 75% better. I know that is what he would have told us to do. Mom likes to sit on her sofa and give orders, and she has old, thin skin. Getting her more active has improved her blood flow.
She will be 97 next month; I think she will survive the zombie apocolypse.
@mommotron … I didn’t have any trouble having all of moms mail sent to a po box in my town, in a different state than hers. No one cares…except social security would not accept a po box and it had to come to my house…when I was made representative payee. On line is wonderful. Mom didn’t have any ira left after her evil second husband was done with her so I can’t speak to those rules.
@walkinghome, moms ltc was really helpful. She only got 60% of the maximum benefit because her al place was not licensed skilled nursing. Still $1860 a month made a dent in the rent. I would have had to liquidate her assets in a fire sale if she wouldn’t have had any insurance at all y. So I recommend looking for plans with partial payment options. Anything is better than nothing! And actually you may be more likely to collect with partial payments. I can’t say how to show for it though. DH and I passed it up when we were working and I regret it.
Thanks everyone that replied here and via PM to me regarding LTC insurance. I think we are going to get a policy, but are going to consult with a financial planner, as has been suggested. The rate difference between 59 and 60 is just a dollar more per month, which doesn’t seem to justify acting too rashly to sign up right now. BTW, the $3,000 a month was per person. I must have made a typo about how much we would pay though - the correct amount is $25.50 each per month if we start at age 60. Not sure what I was looking at when I typed in $64! Both of us have grandparents that have lived into their 90’s, and have our three of four of parents with us now in their mid to late 80’s, so this seems to be something we really should prepare for.
My parents have been at their personal care home for about 6 weeks now. Dad’s agitation is controlled without appearing drugged and he seems content. He is engaged as much as his dementia will allow. He doesn’t recognize me most of the time and can’t follow a conversation. He is increasingly hard to understand with random syllables instead of words. He knows at times he is not saying real words. Auditory aphasia is also more frequent. Mom, on the other hand, can engage in a conversation though not necessarily oriented and can’t remember the previous sentence. She continues to think at times she and dad are going to be “picked up” and brought home. She never talks of leaving without dad. It is always “we.” She is angry with me because I don’t do that so she insists her dad or her parents are coming to pick them up. Yesterday she wasn’t happy, but seemed to know she was at a place she was staying for a while (ranged from a few days to a few months during the conversation).
At what point do I try to take them out to a restaurant, a drive, or the short distance (1 mile) to my house? I do understand if may be best to leave dad where he is and bring just mom out. It may motivate her to go back because it is where dad is. Unfortunately, they are very co-dependent and seem to have little ability to leave each other for even a short time even though dad often doesn’t recognize mom.
Gtalum, I wouldn’t worry about taking them out, especially so soon. At my crazy friends place they even discouraged visitors for those first six weeks. We took Mom out of the AL place for a while, but once the memory loss got bad and she could still talk, we took her to brothers house for thanksgiving and it was just awful for her. She knew she wasn’t right and she worked so hard to cover… I realized that our taking her out had more to do with us than with her. I tried to take her to my aunts graveside service, but the social worker very kindly told me not to do it. … eventually in the last six months, the memory care place took Mom out on rides in the bus, but they were able to pick their days for her. She liked to ride and look out the window. But before that, it was just stressful. My two cents is just leave it and go visit them a bit more often.
I decided just going outside the assisted living entrance and sitting on a bench was ‘going out’ for my mother who had dementia and died in her 90’s. When I had her put on a coat she thought she was going somewhere.
I visit my Dad a couple times a week and every month or two I will take him to Sees Candy and a drive. Sometimes it is easier to take him out since our conversations are pretty one-sided and I run out of things to talk about.
H’s elderly parents enjoy a car ride in the area on a nice day, like coming home from somewhere (in our case, it was from the stay at BIL’s home to their home). We had a beautiful day and interesting conversation along the way.
I saw where their church has two parish nurses - often these are volunteers. Will check with BIL about this.
@Mommertons , my advice is be careful. I permanently forwarded my father’s mail to me, and if you do that through the post office, they act as if the person moved! So the water company was asking if the house was vacant. Other places started changing his property location to mine, which was wrong (like for home insurance and where the electricity is being used!).
I would say, although it is a pain, try to change billing addresses as much as possible, and don’t do forwarding.
I think it would not be a problem to have a different mailing address, even in another state. You could call up and ask.
For medical appointments, you need to get your mom to be POA for your father, if she isn’t already, and she needs to sign that you are able to access their medical records.
Note that, I hesitate to bring this up, my friend’s mother’s best friend was taking care of her husband with late-stage dementia, and she was the only one who could take care of him. Then she got leukemia, decided for minimal treatment, and passed within six months. Point is, then he was left alone and had to transition to AL under difficult circumstances, the kids planning her funeral and his long-term care solution. I think maybe you need to talk to a lawyer about getting mom to a lawyer to get you to have POA for your father and her.
But I don’t think you need to worry about tax implications if their residence is still in their state, even if billing is going to you.
I used to temporary forward but it had like 6 mo and could not renew without several weeks break. I then did permanent forward and it lasted one year. Some places will not foreward like the banks… it’s a process.
Thanks to everyone who had some input on my situation re: getting parents stuff mailed to my house. I am slowly updating their accounts, etc to go to my house. I’m not planning to use mail forwarding, because they’ll still want their magazines and newsletters, etc.
I did discover a new service from the post office called “Informed Delivery”. I signed them up a few days ago, and now I am getting daily email with scans of the envelopes that are headed to their mailbox. (Actually dad is getting the emails, but I monitor his email.) It’s great! With this service, I should at least be aware if they are getting mailed something that should instead come to me.
Back from the 88 YO in-laws. Mother was the crankiest I have ever seen her. Critical of everything throughout our stay. Brothers pow-wowed with CNA caregiver who is wonderful. Mother acted like she was asleep or uninterested in other room. Father was cordial and welcoming - he likes being waited on. Mom’s mental sharpness is going, she is tired and worn out. But she is resisting the change. One brother is able to talk her through. Cousin (who has been coming once a week and doing grocery shopping, MD trips, etc, is now going to come M-T. Caregiver W, Sat, Sun. They get meals on wheels M - F, and caregiver can stay for as many hours as they need her. She is a retired school-teacher that is widowed.
First to us, mom was worried their money was going to run out. She then wanted to give gift money for birthdays and we said “use your money on the health care” then she said “I have plenty of money; we have over $25K”. So if the care coming in is enough, her money will hold out with the pension and SS money coming in every month. Their other expenses are low.
SIL and I made the meals and cleaned up throughout the week. MIL drove SIL nuts in the kitchen, moving a plate in the sink that SIL just put in there (like it wasn’t put in there ‘right’); H gently coaxed his mother out of the kitchen. One meal, we were having both rice and noodles along with the chicken dish; MIL wanted to also have made potatoes and gravy, but SIL talked it through with her, and she said rice with the chicken gravy would be ‘ok’. YIKES, SIL was biting her lip so hard holding back! I sat on the sidelines…I had brought some hothouse tomatoes from my refrigerator (along with other produce to use or throw out). When MIL had sliced tomato (at her request) she commented “this isn’t a tomato from the farmer’s market” - and I told her when H went to the farmer’s market, she didn’t have tomatoes on the list of items to get. So when she wanted sliced tomato for dinner, that is what was available. I had tasted a slice, and it was pretty good. However another night, she asked for another to get sliced…so it must have been ‘good enough’. Ugh.
So a cute story from my last visit with my Dad. My dad is cranky, doesn’t shower, won’t cut his hair and won’t shave so he has a straggly beard. He wears a long sleeve t-shirt and shorts. He is color blind so often the color of the t-shirt is a little “off”. He had a bout of gout so will only wear socks with Crocs. But, he is one of the few men in his Memory Care, so quite popular with the ladies. The ladies are all very nicely dressed, often wear jewelry and almost always carry their purses. At first my dad, 80, took up with a 94 year old woman, but the staff felt she couldn’t really “consent” so they discouraged the relationship. He now has a new girlfriend . Between her dementia and her loss of hearing I can’t communicate with her to save my life. But she seems to make my Dad happy. I went to visit Wednesday afternoon. My Dad and I sat out on the patio and had a nice visit. When we came in, the new girlfriend came out of her room. She saw my Dad and started dancing and singing. My Dad’s face lit up and he said “Hi Sweety”. It was very cute.