Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 1)

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11341

Usually older people have trouble adjusting to ‘the new norm’ - be if changes in their spouse or physical/mental decline in themselves. If mom truly wants both to stay at home, she needs to see some of the things that can be done to help her cope and help dad be able to stay home - be it things like a regular schedule and medications to help him stay calm even if sedating. Making sure he can safely get to toilet on medications. Help coming in that they are comfortable with, with oversight by family and maybe a watchful eye by a friendly/close friend neighbor.

Some situations, no way to keep safely at home.

My mom had dementia but strong will to stay/die in her home (which she successfully did). Brother lived very close and had FT/live in help with her for cooking and cleaning. Mom had a very sweet Yorkie that gave her a lot of companionship. When she had a sharp decline, explained to brother, and brother had her evaluated for Hospice, she had 4 days in hospital on IV antibiotics for gall bladder infection, went home to hospital bed on Thursday and died on Monday.

Having hospice in the end is very helpful in or out of a facility with getting death certificate/coroner sign off.

Everyone’s situations are unique in some ways. I see how families adjust and cope as their senior relatives decline - some who come into rehab and some who come into skilled care (nursing home). Some do move to assisted living - typically a family may see where their senior can manage at AL (and AL evaluates the senior and approves) and they have the funds.

11342

A support group is an excellent idea. I had one (briefly) a couple of years before my dad died, and it was helpful for me! The local Alzheimer’s Assn. may have something. Mine was sponsored by the organization, at a YM-YWHA (Jewish Y) and led by a social worker. Our group was for caretakers of parents, but they had lots of other support groups for patients and their spouses.

My stepmother was obsessed about having her purse all the time (even when it was in her lap) and of course there was nothing of any importance whatsoever inside. Somehow I got it through my dad’s head that there was no way he could convince her that it was totally unimportant. After his lightbulb moment, he was very accommodating, suggesting that they bring the purse with them when they moved from one room to another, etc. and it made life much easier for him. I am sure that a support group of people his age would have been much faster convincing my dad.

11343

I am not sure if this is an option, but around here we have, for lack of a better word, Dementia Day Care centers. That gives the caregiver spouse a significant break each day. Some will even pick up at your house. My mom had a friend who convinced her husband to go by telling him he was “volunteering” there.

11344

I also think a support group for your mom would be helpful. Also a caregiver to give your mom a break might be helpful. We did that for my dad when my mom was still fairly independent.

11345

Thanks, all. To clarify, my mom has been prescribed anti-anxiety meds that she doesn’t take all the time, though she should. I was asking about meds for my dad that would help the situation.

My brother takes my dad every Saturday for several hours, running errands and going to lunch (my brother and sister are local; I am not). My mother never has been good about taking that time for herself. She’ll complain that she wants to do this or that, and those Saturdays are when those things could happen, but she doesn’t do them. And I can see that maybe she chooses to use those times to be alone in the house and to do whatever she wants (call her sisters. control the remote), but the truth is that she’s just tightly wound and constantly critical. No matter how wonderful some piece of news is, she’ll find a way to turn it into a negative.

I say that because I’m not sure that bringing in someone so that she can leave for a while will work. One, I’m not sure she would go for it. And two, if she did, it would cause so much disequilibrium for her that it wouldn’t be productive. But I’ll ask my siblings. I do like the idea of Dementia Day Care. Having him out of the house for a while, someplace safe, would give her the kind of break that she would go for. Part of the problem of having someone go to their house is that they are super-paranoid – as they should be – because there are guns everywhere. I’m talking dozens. I’m not exaggerating. Last time I was there I came across a stash of 15 I had never seen.

11346

The problem with medicating your dad is that it doesn’t take away the underlying problem and in some cases it can make it worse. You would also have to have his doctor agree that there was a medical need and a benefit My mom is on an anti anxiety med that she takes before bed but it did nothing to change the issues that were irritating and difficult for my father. He is also on meds but like your mom, rarely takes them. IMO, in the situation you are describing, I don’t see anti anxiety meds helping your dad (and no doctor worth their salt will prescribe a medication to medically snow your dad so he’s compliant).

As an aside, I hope the weapons are secure and the ammunition separated. We had to have my dad secure their guns as well.

11347

I don’t know how well a support group can work for our elderly parents. Not that effort. I really did mean an individual ally to listen to her complaints and validate them. Not to offer the perspective that he can’t help himself.

11348

I mentioned meds for your mom because I don’t think meds for your dad are a good idea. (I agree with @momofsenior1 in post 11345 above.) Your mother sounds so much like my former FIL! Negative, tightly wound, critical, paranoid. I’m very sorry that these factors are part of your situation.

I won’t go into more detail here about my in-laws’ situation because it is too depressing and I don’t want to discourage you.

11349

@"Youdon’tsay I don’t recall what your dad’s Dx is - dementia? Can he be left along?

I agree that your mom may need some help in accepting his diagnosis and accepting the “new normal.” My mom makes her life infinitely more difficult because she is constantly upset that my dad can’t remember when lunch is or where he put his keys.

Their ALF has a neuropsychologist who is meeting with them to help them understand what is realistic and not realistic for dad and to validate mom’s frustrations but also help her learn how to avoid fighting and frustration. I wonder if you have any similar resources in your community?

11350

I like where this is going. I can try to find someone to talk to her. I don’t think she’d do any kind of group. She prides herself on her self-sufficiency. I remember one time in my 20s suggesting family counseling, and she laughed. Not a lot of self-awareness with this one.

One of the difficulties, as I know y’all know, is that being the sibling who isn’t there I hate to push things on my siblings who most have to deal with the fallout. If it were up to me, she wouldn’t be driving any more, but my siblings don’t want to go there so we haven’t.

I called my mom about the day care idea. As suspected, she was hesitant at first and came up with a lot of reasons why it won’t work, but she warmed to the idea of me exploring the option by the time we were done. I told her that I would start researching to see if there is even anything like that in their city.

To answer a question, he can’t be left alone any longer. He gets something in his mind and won’t let it go, even if that means putting him in a potentially dangerous situation – like working on the truck in 100-degree heat. He’s not violent or anything. And he’s not any more ornery than he was 40 years ago. He’s never been the easiest person to live with, and now he’s just more so. Pickier about his food, for instance, so mom is like a short-order cook, which is both tiring but gratifying to her.

11351

@“Youdon’tsay” - your family sounds much like mine. I’ve been trying for a decade to get my dad to attend a support group. No self awareness here either.

Great sign that your mom was open to an adult day program. That is a great sign! I will keep my fingers crossed that there is something available for your dad.

And yes, the dynamics seem to be ramped up!

As far as food, my mom’s tastes changed completely. It drove my dad nuts because he would make her favorite foods and then she refused to eat it. We also found that it was harder for my mom to use cutlery than she let on so she started preferring finger foods so people wouldn’t catch on. It’s crummy watching your parents age and fail :frowning:

11352

Yes, I have told my mom about how taste buds change as we age and that’s likely why he’s been so selective about what foods appeal to him now, but she thinks he’s just being stubborn. We are so thankful that she’s so strong physically and still able to run the house. At times she’s so locked in to the way things “should” be – how he dresses, combs his hair, behaves, etc – that it’s maddening. i just wish she chose her battles more judiciously. Everything can’t be a crisis, ya know?

11353

Oh my @“Youdon’tsay” I could have written this word for word!!! Dad sometimes wants to wear his windbreaker jacket inside. Maybe he’s cold, maybe he thinks its autumn, I don’t know. But mom is constantly saying “why do you have that jacket on?” And then dad gets mad at her for picking on him. Argh.

She is also so picky about if he has some crumbs on his shirt. He is clumsier, so sometimes he does. But she says it makes him look so old etc. And I’m like, “the hearing aids, walker, orthopedic shoes, and stooped posture DON’T already give that away??” :slight_smile:

11354

Yeah that’s so hard if she thinks things should continue on the same as usual. They won’t.

My mom’s tastes have changed, too. Things she used to love and eat every day like clockwork- yogurt and oatmeal- she now makes faces if those are served. She also hates drinking water and avoids it at all costs, so we have a daily struggle with getting enough fluids.

The day care idea is great. You said he’s still continent so that may work out. (My mom’s complete incontinence is what keeps me trapped with her 24/7.)

I’m sorry your parents have their particular combination of issues. That’s hard for both of them, as well as for you kids. I give you big kudos for trying to stay involved and helpful, even though you aren’t local.

11355

My MIL had had a stroke and was declining mentally. FIL was desperate to get her Dx with Azheimers, hoping that would mean he would no longer get mad at her. He continually, for decades, frustrated himself with expecting more from her than she could do and getting hurt feelings or angry at her.
The good news is that I have learned from my time with them and jumping quickly not to expect so much from my mother, at least some good came of it,

11356

@psychmomma , my late mom decided that she couldn’t swallow water, but for some reason Sprite was ok. She kept the tiny cans in the fridge at the adult family home where she lived and used a straw. A hydroflask with ice also kept it really cold and to her liking.
Since she suffered from UTIs, making sure she drank enough was hugely important and the dr was more concerned that she just get liquids, rather than worry about the type. By 88, she didn’t care.

11357

@psychmomma My mothers tastes have changed, too. There are things she was eating every day for the last decade and all of a sudden she lost interest.

11358

I am reading all the posts and sympathize while appreciating the wisdom on this board :slight_smile:

Just want to say that dilution of gin , even at 50:50, was not noticed by my mother…but she drank twice as much!!!

In fact she drank more because clearly she abandoned measuring entirely and drank until she felt it. A bottle meant to last 7days lasted 3!!! I found her on the way to dinner a little slurry and wobbly and her friend was rolling her eyes.

On to the next step: convinced my brothers to join me in not providing any gin. I am the person on the ground and had an hour’s conversation yesterday telling her about this new policy, about physiology at 92, interaction of alcohol and meds, falls, effect on memory, doctor’s wishes, etc. etc.

An hour later, she called and asked me to buy her some gin.

This morning I had the same conversation and she called at 3, 3:30 and 4 about me about getting gin.

This is like the movie “The Groundhog Day” right?

Actually, specifically, she asked me to "take her to Henry’s.This is code for getting her gin. Henry’s is a grocery store. She gives me a list: milk, crackers, gin and muffins. She cleverly hides gin in the middle of the list. I happen to know she already has the other three because I bought them!

The funny thing is, Henry’s, where she has shopped for 50 years, has wine and beer but no gin!!!

Her doctor wants me to call intake and get her into a detox. psych hospital but that means placement in a locked memory unit. She is moving toward that rapidly but not quite yet. (Pretty soon I will need it!!!)

So I am embarking on an ambitious Pollyanna-ish campaign to “engage her” in “enjoyable activities that she can look forward to” (in the words of a friend in the field) to try to diminish the importance of gin in her life.

Fat chance but what the heck. I am Ms. Positivity.

I am thinking maybe miniature golf with a walker nearby. Or maybe a drive during cocktail hour.

Saga continues. This combo of alcoholism and dementia seems to be a black hole in the field. Not much online, no one seems to know much about it. Maybe we need a dry AL,

11359

Do you think there’s any chance that after X number of days, your mom will forget that she likes to drink? I have a friend, one of whose parents stopped smoking, finally, because cigarettes weren’t available and eventually he or she no longer remembered being a smoker.

11360

The addiction may be psychological, there may be a trigger she hasn’t forgotten. Does she drink all afternoon to bedtime?