An air bed or futon sounds more comfortable than a loveseat for sleeping imho. I can’t inagine sleeping with an elder—would be exhausting and i wouldn’t get any sleep (I’m a light sleeper anyway).
@compmom, sending prayers and a hug. This"twilight" period can be so difficult for your mom as well as you and your brother. It is painful to watch what she is going through and trying to balance treatment and placement. Does the surgeon give you any prognosis if a colostomy is performed? I know she has problems regulating her INR, what are other complications that may occur if surgery is done? Is he fairly certain that this will alleviate pain and future obstructions? If you choose not to proceed with surgery and hospice services will be able to medicate and relieve pain, is she able to understand that she would be in a terminal situation? How do you all feel about that possibility? Does your mom want to prolong her life at the cost of surgery, or is her goal to be pain free? I hope posing these questions may help with your decisions. Follow your instincts, they have guided you well.
@compmom- I am thinking of you and how compassionately you are tending your mother. When I read your last post, the poignancy of the decision-making you are doing really struck me. @ECmotherX2 has key questions well outlined. While it is important to stir in your mother’s point of view, it is also useful to contextualize it. Her ability to follow a complex decision tree at this moment in time is likely compromised by the very circumstances that make it necessary. Hoping that there is a way for her to have what she needs as this unfolds and for you to get some rest, too. Try not to be hard on yourself, trust your gut and help the doctor most likely to comprehend the big picture to share their take on “what time it is”. That was very helpful to me when I was determining what my father would have wanted as he wound down, as I knew how he thought about it prior to the onset of his severe memory loss.
With you and wishing you the best.
@compmom I have nothing more to add except my support and best wishes with all you’re going thru. I myself am depleted and fatigued and I am not as hands on in it as you are. I cannot imagine.
ECMother great questions.
travelnut, this exactly: " Her ability to follow a complex decision tree at this moment in time is likely compromised by the very circumstances that make it necessary."
So it’s on me to decide. I decided on hospice residence (not just hospice, since she would go fast), then talked with surgeon and hospice nurse in person at the same time- coincidence- and decided on colostomy. This is a process and it will play out the way it should.
I spent 12 hours there today and am going to be more careful of myself.
Thanks all and best wishes to you in your situations.
FIL, who turned 90 in Dec, had a recent hospitalization and then went to skilled care. He is happy there. MIL, who turned 90 two weeks ago, was in the hospital at the same time as FIL, but bullied and guilted her son into letting her go home. It turns out they have a caretaker that is there every day, and sometimes stays over night. H just visited and said he predicts his mom will only remain at home another 3 or 4 months before another hospitalization and then the ‘do over’ where she also goes to skilled care. I was happy to hear she has a watchful eye with care coming in, but still I do think she may end up not getting out of her recliner, being on the floor, or some other possibility - but she is where she wants to be. She is happy also to be apart from her H - it seems she had enough of not speaking up on his demanding nature – their generation had some tolerating and being the ‘suffering spouse’.
@compmom sometimes surgery is the best palliative option. However this turns out, remember you made the best decision you could at the time and don’t second guess. Yes, please be careful of yourself.
@SOSConcern I agree about the generational differences. Glad MIL has some peace if only for a few months.
My dad is acting strangely, But, my daughter visited Monday, and my husband on Tuesday. I gave myself a break realizing my presence will not change the course of events and instead am learning to trust others. It was worth it and I slept well last night.
My elder sometimes swears under his breath. When you ask him why he’s swearing, he denies it and is interrupted momentarily and then resumes it. We are unsure whether it’s conscious and under his control or not. It’s definitely unpleasant.
It’s not a major thing but others have noticed it as well and the CCRC has complained of it.
@HImom, frontal lobe problems can relax a senior’s “filter” and make him say things he would not normally. Is there any dementia or other changes?
And @GTalum - good for you for giving yourself a break.
Yes, there is dementia so I suspect the swearing is related to that, and loosening inhibitions related to dementia.
We try not to get upset but it is challenging.
@compmom, I assume you will be taking care of your mother’s colostomy needs; my son had one and I took care of it. His was temporary, needed for something other than your mother’s need. He was an adult, but his left hand was paralyzed because they nicked a nerve when they installed a PICC line. He got better and started taking care of it himself, but whoever takes care of them, it can become harrowing. I wish you luck. And I agree, try to get an air mattress or something easier on you than the loveseat. Are you still monitoring your daughter’s blood sugar all night long?
my kidsgranny I appreciate your perspective on the colostomy bag. I dread being tied to it, honestly. So sorry your son had paralysis from the PICC and hope he is okay now.
Yes still helping my daughter. It’s okay.
My mother’ partner had a stroke and volunteered with the book cart in the local hospital. He would go to a room and ask if the patient wanted a goddam magazine etc. They had to take him off the job 
@HImom have you been able to identify a trigger? Or is it just reflexive, such as my dad would whistle always unless distracted by something else? Or, my husband without dementia hums a lot and doesn’t know he is frequently walking around humming. It sounds like the best you can do is distract him. If it is keeping him from socializing with others, or a problem with living at the CCRC, I am wondering if medications for something like Tourette’s would help such a distressing reflexive behavior? I would start with the CCRC social worker and ask about it. I medications are needed, a neurologist or geriatric psychiatrist could help. Hopefully it is just a phase.
It’s been a quite a while and is pretty offputting. I’ve mentioned it to my sibs. He finally has another appointment with the geriatrician. The past visits were pretty bad. He gets very angry and doesn’t want to talk or listen.
CCRC’s “solution” is to threaten to kick him out or move him to assisted living or have a family member with him anytime he wants to dine in dining room. They’ve never mentioned any social worker or anything approaching assistance. Supoisedly, this is our state’s best CCRC!
Triggers include when he’s tired or hungry or just not feeling great for any reason, which can happen a lot. 
@HImom I would ask to see the social worker. I know the social worker didn’t get involved with my parent’s care until a dementia evaluation was ordered for mom. Certainly, having a family member with him in the dining room does not seem a reasonable solution. Frequent snacks work for my dad, but it requires more care than independent living.
My older brother and sister are in charge and believe things are “ok for now.” The AL portion and SNF portion of the CCRC have very poor staffing ratios and I think dad would misbehave much more if he isn’t in independent living.
FIL had an evening of vomiting and some GI issues on Wednesday. He was ok by late Thursday morning. Yesterday morning an email came through from the AL - headline was “Flu,” and the letter said residents are experiencing flu-like symptoms, but good news! it’s gastrointestinal! The dining room is closed and they are asking people to stay away.
While GI virus aren’t good, we worry, a lot, about flu even with them having had the vaccine. There’s a strain of flu in the neighborhood that wasn’t in the vaccine. I don’t know if they didn’t want to say they were checking into norovirus or food poisoning, but calling it flu was irresponsible.
My daughter made up a sheet of important dates for them - birthdays, anniversaries, ages, etc. FIL has been asking how old he is and declaring it’s almost his birthday (it isn’t). He is enthralled by it. Unfortunately, he tends to put things “safely away,” so D made a few copies and put them in a spot where H or his sister can pull out a new one as needed. She did the same with the phone list MIL uses.
My mother had her colostomy surgery yesterday afternoon and came through it okay. When the anesthesia wore off they asked her her name and birthday, and then she said “Don’t ask me who the president is”!!! She has had the Mini Mental Status test so many times she knows that question comes next, even though she had trouble with her birthday!
I got a look at the stoma and bag and have been studying up on how to care for it, accessories etc.
Nasogastric tube should come out today and the.first few sips in two weeks may happen.,no doubt followed by lots of jello
Not sure I am going to be able to take my trip to see my daughter on the other coast. We’ll see. I can postpone it if needed. One more week in hospital and then I am not sure if she will go to rehab or have a lot of services at AL or what. She is very weak from being in bed.
Thanks all!
Glad she made it through ok. Very interesting that she remembered the president question. It’s major surgery, can cause pain of it’s own, as she heals.
@compmom, so glad it went well. Lots of virtual hugs and hope you can see your daughter soon, if not exactly as previously scheduled.