I have a shower aide who comes 3x a week and a PT person who comes twice a week, I talk to them about it all; I vent to one of my sisters, she also has come up to help a few times when I traveled so she gets it. And, of course, I have CC parent board! There are a couple of friends who have parents aging badly and we also talk, but other than that, there is not much time away to be talking to anyone about it!
From the PBS Newshour:
The hidden risks of suicide and depression for seniors living in long-term care
https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/the-hidden-risks-of-suicide-and-depression-for-seniors-living-in-long-term-care
@compmom, we were a three-generation family (my daughter and her family live across the street) and it still wasn’t enough. My daughter has a husband and three children, I own a contracting company and have to show up fairly frequently. We are blessed by a close friend who is a caregiver by nature; she took care of my mother when I couldn’t be here, but when I was here I was basically “it”. It sounds ideal, but it isn’t; the load is still going to fall heavily on everybody concerned.
I’m sorry your mother pulled the bag off, but I’m afraid I saw that coming. My mother managed to work a short cast off her broken arm in about two days.
Oldmom4896, I saw that story on Newshour tonight. Heart-breaking.
Our parents are Houdini’s. But don’t remember their amazing feats?. Regarding depression and suicide: I have been told that people over 80 no longer make serotonin. Also I noted in the article that the suicide rates in and out of facilities are the same. So it isn’t that long term care is worse in this regard. It’s just surprising that the assumed supervision doesn’t prevent residents from taking their own lives.
I moved my parents over to memory care yesterday. It was awful. I had told them the doctor recommended additional rehab for mom after her stroke and they were amenable to this but of course the next day mom did not recall any of this and was furious. I had expected my dad to be the PITA but mom was really upset.
She said she is “normal” and not like those people, how could I tear her away from all the friends she loved, etc When I asked her which friends she missed and I would ask them to come over for lunch, she could not come up with a name. She denied any memory issues but could not tell me where her grandkids go to school (“where they’ve always gone!”)
I told her this was a doctor recommendation and OT/speech therapists and she claimed that she has not seen a doctor in months, etc
I suppose this is pretty typical but it was very painful. She accused me of lying to her and wanting to 'put her away." This made my dad so upset to hear her talking to me this way (which is entirely out of character, she normally thinks I can do no wrong). He is usually the paranoid and suspicious one but he was trying to reason with her (which I know is futile) to no avail.
I had to leave the room a couple of times to just go cry in the bathroom and collect myself. The caregiving staff were really supportive and great with them. Later on I went back and she had calmed down and even apologized to me but insisted that she was not going to stay there. I left at dinner time and have not heard anything from the staff so I am going to assume no news is good (or not-bad) news. Today I have to go over to start cleaning out the old apartment but I dread going to see them. Ugh, thanks for letting me vent!
((((Surfcity))))
@surfcity - transitions are sooooo hard! I hope you take some comfort in knowing that you are making the best decision for your mom and her safety needs to trump her happiness for the time being.
It took about a month for my mom to adjust to her memory care unit. She absolutely adores it now. It takes time.
Big cyber hugs!
Hugs {{{surfcity}}} It is a tough transition. Our memory care said not to visit after moving her for a week so that she was integrated. So I just dropped her off (it felt like) and abandoned her. She was very weak from not being fed in the AL side though and the extra people giving her care made her happy on the MC side.
Everyone’s pillow should have “All you can do is all you can do.” on it to remind us we are doing the best we can.
My friend is caught in it now. Her father 89… just got a divorce last year because the second (3 years married) wife decided he wasn’t dying fast enough so she would get more by divorce…she learned differently. He has cancer and got chemo. He got the divorce, and she traveled out to help him sort out financials and get the POA. His son is a dope-head problem that lives with his dad because he can’t get a job (at age 60 now, but he never ever worked as far as I know after he went to jail for car theft). Dad still thinks he needs to take care of son for some reason. Then her Dad got pneumonia… and all the care giving/house visiting plans went up in smoke after only 2 months. The dad went to one bad nursing home, went home, fell down, went to hospital and was discharged to a good nursing home. … And then caught pneumonia again. Meanwhile, son has locked friend out of on line banking, even though he isn’t supposed to have access. My friend is practically disabled herself and doesn’t travel easily. I guess it helps that her dad was a failry mean dad all her life, so she doesn’t feel that guilty for not being there for him. but still it is a huge toll to try to manage all that long distance!
@surfcity, for what it’s worth I think you made the absolute right decision. The adjustment period is so hard.
My friend’s mother had a horrible transition to memory care. My friend would get heart-rending, sobbing phone calls from her mom, begging my friend to save her from that horrible place. And then my friend would call me and other friends for reassurance that she was doing the right thing. This stage lasted maybe 2 long months (I hope yours is quicker), after which that “horrible place” became the most wonderful place in the world. She’s been there six years now and is SO well loved and cared for. My friend is constantly posting pictures on social media that show how loved and comfortable her mother is.
Hang in there. I’m sending virtual hugs and thoughts for a speedy transition and good connections to be made with the caregivers.
OH @surfcity I feel for you. When I first put my Dad in Memory Care he would yell at me for my entire visit. I used to try and reason with him, but then was advised to lie. When he asks about moving I say OK, I am working on it, etc… It has been 2 and a half years and for the most part he is happy, but if I visit on a bath day (he absolutely hates showers/baths and puts up a huge fit) he will go on and on about how evil the staff is and how he needs to move TODAY.
So sorry @surfcity My mom spent a solid 3 months and intermittently after that, packing her bags. I felt terrible when she realized I “wouldn’t help her.” She told my every visit for about a year that her parents were coming to pick her up and bring her home. She would go live with them. My mom was uncharacteristically fierce and angry. So difficult for me to visit.
Heartbreaking, all of the stories of moving old people, just heartbreaking. You want to give them the respect they deserve, and yet their dementia means they really don’t earn the respect of being allowed to make their own decisions. But when they are “them” they know what they want and it’s not to be in a home, and they have no recall of so much of the lousy stuff they do.
My mother is at home with me, thus far, and she does not remember the crazy times, but she can go into full on diva mode on a good day.
IMO, keeping a loved one safe and cared for, is respecting them. It’s just not possible for everyone to care for their family members at home.
FWIW, my mom fully believes that she is at home. It took a while but she is very proud of her “condo.” She has all her own furniture, family pictures, paintings, etc… We set it up as close to her own bedroom as possible.
I did not mean to imply that home was better! That’s just where we are right now. What I was trying to say is that as our parents age we end up treating them like children, for their own good, and yet at a baseline, on a good day, they expect to have their opinions and choices respected as an adult would.
My mother’s timeline is also heartbreaking, it’s not that she is at my/her home or in “a home” but that she has lost so much capacity to run her life and yet now & again her desire to be in charge does surface. That’s the sad part to which I was referring, but I can see how it sounded like I was being critical of homes, not at all!!
Thanks - I was hoping to hear from some veterans who have been down this road. I was surprised at how I felt - even though all the professionals told me this was a good move and that everyone has a bad adjustment, I still sometimes second-guessed myself yesterday! I guess I was unconsciously hoping they would both say, Wow, this is a great move. Which is absolutely not going to happen.
I heard they had a good night. The DON went over and had pretty much the same conversation with mom but I think mom maybe believed her a little more since she is a medical professional. I also think that her defenses will keep coming down more as she spends more time there. Change is hard for anyone and much of yesterday was probably just general fear or anxiety.
I am going to stay away for a couple of days unless the MC facility calls me. I do think it is important that they don’t see me as a potential escape just yet.
And @esobay - I kept repeating that line to myself all day! I am sure I read it on this thread, but it really hit home. Thanks all.
As others have said, transitions are difficult on our parents, and therefore difficult on us. When I moved my mother from her apt to AL, I ruined her life and she never missed the opportunity to tell me that. Intellectually, I knew I made the right decision, but it hurt to keep hearing that. Of course, by the time I moved her from AL to a nursing home, she missed everything about the AL she once hated. We do what is best for them (and for us), but they don’t see it that way, especially at the beginning.
What are the most common big things to watch for when a senior starts taking Zoloft? The geriatrician just prescribed it and my sibling who was present hadn’t told any of us what to watch for, despite our inquiries.
It’s hoped that over time perhaps he will have more energy and take more interest in activities and start being more active. Right now, he has no interest in most things. We need info about common dangers so we can let the doctor know if we notice any.
Have seen the scary long list of potential side effects but no feel for what’s common.
My dad, 81, has been moved back to the ICU after his heart surgery last Wednesday. It’s looking kind of scary. He has issues with fluid in his lungs, irregular heartbeat, kidney function, and breathing. WTH?? He was doing great when he went in the hospital. His care has been poor enough that my sister wrote up a list and talked to the charge nurse about it. I am thankful that Sister is on top of everything, but I wish I were there. I just can’t get away from work right now. She’s taking more time off from teaching next week so she can stay at the hospital more (my uncle, nephew, and BIL have been taking shifts this week). At the end of next week, I may think about going down if she thinks it would help.
Fluid in the lungs would make breathing more difficult. Fluid can fill up in the lungs when the heart isn’t working very well. I’m sorry your dad is having these challenges. He’s lucky to have your relatives near and your concern and support as well. I hope he heals promptly and fully. Hopefully the kidney function will normalize now that he’s no longer in surgery.