@aekmom, for what it’s worth, your statement about “very out of it, reaching for nothing, fingering covers, twitching, saying things that didnt make sense…in and out of sleep” is an exact description of what my father went through approximately 24 hours before he died. I hope this is not the case for your father. It is very disturbing to witness.
@calla1 and @Aekmom - the “reaching for nothing” symptom was one my father had in his final days. I was told that it was a frequent side effect of one of the comfort meds he was on; not remembering what the med was, but it may have been used to treat his rattle-like breathing.
@travelnut - That’s interesting about the possible side effect of the comfort meds. My father’s hospice nurse didn’t say that, but did say he was in the “active” phase of dying. It seemed to me that dying is very hard work.
He was on demerol and lorazepam (Ativan).
@Aekmom, I’m thinking of you and sending thoughts for peace and comfort and for your father to be healed if possible.
Every so often, it may help to review the signs of active dying. It may or not mean within days, but can be part of a longer process. This link is just one-
https://www.crossroadshospice.com/hospice-caregiver-support/end-of-life-signs/
Best to all of you dealing with this. It’s not easy.
Thank you so much to all of you…isnt it funny how strangers who understand can be so valuable! I witnessed my moms passing and everything that led up to it…I agree that what I am seeing could be it…which would actually be a gift as my dad was very clear about his not wanting this quality of life or even what he had before the fracture. On the other hand if you look up hospital delirium many of the symptoms are similar…he definitely has the irritability/aggrssiveness described there…my thinking today is that even if it is that…his ability to do rehab is not there and they will kick him out of rehab which means he will be considered a nursing home resident which means bed bound existence which leads me back to hospice? Any differing ideas appreciated…I am alone in this so I appreciate anytjing people of experience might offer.
Is he still at the hospital? Some hospitals have a hospice coordinator, someone not affiliated with any particular hospice but who will sit with the family and help the family think through various treatment options, and then provide the family with a list of various hospices to call. (It was my responsibility to pick the hospice. But the nurses gave me help on the sly.) Our family found this extremely helpful because we didn’t have any idea what services were available. She had a lot of wisdom and suggestions.
I think his doctor gave an order for the coordinator to meet with us, but the idea might have come from the nurses. I hope there is one at your father’s facility.
Every hospital has a social worker to help with discharge planning. I agree that nurses are a great resource too. Find out the options from the social worker, check them out with the nurses.
(((((HUGS))))) to you, @Aekmom
My mother was also reaching for nothing and trying her best to tell me about it. But her words were garbled, even after clearly telling me “hi” when I got there. The cardiologist came in and ordered ativan and morphine, and said that Mom had had a stroke; she also said Mom’s raging infection wasn’t being helped by medications and they couldn’t find the source, so we called in hospice. I know it was the right thing to do, but I still hurt and miss her.
Painful situation. It is so hard to be clear.
My mother got cocky and walked around her AL apartment without support, despite our warnings, and fell and broke her pubic bone. Now she can’t walk. But no pain while lying down so she forgets she is injured and tries to get up! Argh. No comprehension.
After 9 hours in the ER she was briefly admitted at 6am, then by 5pm back in the same rehab. I went today and her colostomy bag was close to bursting (I had left bags right out on the table), and her room is far from the nurses so she is in danger of falling. I got her to push the red call button but it no one came, so I really can’t blame her for getting up out of the wheelchair which was alarmed. Noone came then either. I found the nurse doing something on her phone.
Hmmm, where is she safe in this world?
Rehab twice in a month, not good 
Oh my goodness. I’m so, so sorry @compmom!
@compmom That is rough! So sorry this is happening!
Well, looking on the bright side, she didn’t break her hip 
I keep thinking I will be a contributing member of this community and not post about my own family but things keep happening!!!
@compmom, you certainly are a contributing member of this community! (((((hugs!)))))
I’m so sorry, @compmom! That sounds very frustrating.
In good news, we’ve been able to get my mom to walk more and dad is mostly less grouchy, thank goodness. We think for dad it’s a combo of finally getting him enough lung meds and also the Zoloft. Not sure about why mom is making bigger effort to walk more but am happy.
Thinking of you, @compmom.
A Workable Alternative To Nursing Homes In Vermont — Adult Family Care
https://www.npr.org/2019/04/27/712240801/a-workable-alternative-to-nursing-homes-in-vermont-adult-family-care
@compmom- I hope you can catch a break soon! This is all too much! “Where is she safe in this world” really struck a nerve with me. Something I think about on days when I’m burned out and ready to turn my mom over to someone else’s care.
I heard the story about Vermont on NPR this morning. Cannot get my head around the number of people in need of this care in rural areas. Two weeks ago, there was a story about the incentives NH or Vermont were using to get get young people to stay or relocate there. Off topic, I know, but again shows that proximity of family is a derermining factor in elderly care.
@compom I am so sorry to read this…your strength is amazing to me! I can totally relate to the not remembering about the fracture…my dad has no idea that his hip is broken…just that he fell…
Just a quick update on case it helps someone…the dying like behavior we saw was actually hospital delirium and now that he has slept some with the pain being better managed he has returned to base line…my challenge now is he is refusing PT…otherwise healthy but quality of life will stink if he cant at least develop ability to transfer for bathroom needs. He was making extremely rude and rascist comments yesterday which kills me because this is NOT who my dad was!