@SouthJerseyChessMom, what an image of your little mother blown down by a wind gust!
Thanks so much for posting that. Was she in a wheelchair for weeks?
I think a sort of natural mix of exercise (getting off the bed onto the wheelchair, toilet, etc.) will keep her from muscle atrophy. So much pain, and hip bursitis doesn’t help.
I had a great conversation with a physician assistant at the ortho office (ordering wheelchair). He was a bit more verbal than the actual orthopedist and said heroic PT was certainly not a good idea, and pain meds weren’t either. He was supportive which was nice to hear.
@SouthJerseyChessMom - thank you. I’ve been seeing these kinds of prices also. Other technology has gotten cheaper, but not this. I appreciate your suggestions.
Yes, @stevensmama , he is a veteran. Just yesterday he went to an event to start the process of signing up to see what benefits he can receive. We will see how that goes. My FIL had good success but he was also injured as a soldier. My dad was not, so that may make a difference. I don’t know yet.
@lookingforward - thanks for the link. I will go look at it now.
My first husband got incredible benefits as a “veteran”; they took him on a cruise in a cabin with a balcony, they took him up a mountain in Colorado and sledded him down since he had never skied, and other stuff that seemed to be outrageous. The reason I put “veteran” in quotes was that I’m not sure he even completed basic training; he claimed a knee injury, but his cousin told me that he missed his mommy too much.
@compmom you wrote “Thanks so much for posting that. Was she in a wheelchair for weeks?”
On nov 22, 2013 my mom severely broke her pelvis, osteoporosis, so she cracked
14 weeks later she could walk again, moved back into her condo!
Yes, she used a wheelchair, once she had recovered enough from heavy duty drugs, and had to use the transfer board, to get into the chair, to use the bathroom.
To complicate matters, at the midpoint of her “recovery” when she was here at our house, she developed nasty shingle! Oh boy, then we had to add on different pain meds. I get shutters thinking about waking all those nights to help her get to the bathroom, it was like having a newborn and weeks of broken sleep! No fun!
But, she recovered well from the breaks and shingles, she lives alone, dealing with macular degeneration, and some arthritis.
Really amazing recovery!
Having to get up from sleeping is just the worst! When my mother goes through those bad nights, all I can think is that, “I am too old for this **it” It was bad enough with wee ones, let alone at our age now!
It looks like it’s near the end for my FIL. He’s gotten progressively worse the last few weeks - hardly being able to walk, more forgetful. The hospice nurse was there yesterday after being off with flu for 2 weeks, and was surprised he was still around.
She had to give him some morphine for pain; he slept a bit, then woke up, said he felt great, and had some lunch.
He told the nurse that he was ready for the next stage. My MIL is understandably upset, but is saying she just wants it over, that she doesn’t want it dragged out. After almost 92 years, it’s time.
We canceled our few days away this coming week. I think my SIL was guilted into canceling her plans, but we’ll see.
This death watch is kind of weird to me as my dad passed away suddenly when quite young and my mom, although not well, went unexpectedly also.
My dad died unexpectedly. As my mom’s dementia progresses, and she wishes “God would take her”, I feel like this is becoming a years long process. She surprised me last night as I was tucking her in bed by asking, “Will I die in this bed?” I told her she’s very healthy and doesn’t need to worry about dying right now, after first asking her why she was asking- she couldn’t tell me. It was very unsettling though.
@zeebamom MIL was nonresponsive after a stroke and died almost a week after the decision to withhold nutrition and hydration. Even though we knew it was coming I kept looking for signs of improvement. It was surreal. Must be more so for your family with your FIL eating and saying he feels great!
Wishing your FIL and your family comfort and as happy as possible remaining time together.
I trained to volunteer at hospice, and, like birth, we were given a fairly set scenario to expect, with defined stages to the death process. In reality, as these posts poignantly show, there is so much variation and acceptance is harder than we anticipate, because there are these little glimmers of hope. Sympathies to all who are “there.”
My mother, with her new colostomy and even newer pelvic fracture/hip bursitis, can obviously not walk much. I have been staying with her but downstairs in the AL (and even left at 1:30 yesterday). Since she cannot move (and can’t remember how to get transport) she is trapped and stays downstairs all day! This means more safety, friends around, and even access to activities. I was joking with my daughter that maybe we should stop PT because quality of life seems better in a wheelchair versus isolation in her room!
However, I have learned from peers- and then observation- that her dementia make bingo impossible, and other simple games too. I caught one of the other residents rolling their eyes at her. So maybe being downstairs with more interaction is hurting her reputation because her dementia is more exposed
At any rate with her downstairs, the AL has stopped asking me to hire a private aide. For now. They still don’t want her in their memory unit, where most residents cannot talk or smile. Of course she is paying good money for her apartment in AL and they have vacancies to fill.
I was reading about the Greenhouse Project. Has anyone used a facility based on that philosophy? It emphasizes home-like environments and involvement of residents in normal daily task like setting the table, gardening, even cooking. Facilities are broken up into small components, “cottages.”
I just listened to this yesterday, from The New Yorker Radio Hour:
A New Approach to Dementia Care
In the field of memory care, there is a fierce debate around the question of honesty. Lying can, under certain circumstances, alleviate or avert distress in patients who are suffering from memory loss. But, on principle, many providers, patients, and family members don’t like the idea of deceiving patients who are in such a vulnerable position. Some care homes have strict no-lying policies.
But the New Yorker staff writer Larissa McFarquhar recently spent some time at a different kind of assisted-living facility that takes the opposite approach—The facility is one of only a few of its kind in the United States." The Lantern, in Chagrin Falls, Ohio, is home to about forty patients who suffer from dementia and Alzheimer’s disease.
The care staff at the Lantern are taught that, in some cases, lying to patients is kinder than telling them the truth. McFarquhar talks with Andrea Paratto, who helps train the Lantern’s staff. In a previous job, at a facility where lying to patients was against the rules, she had to remind a ninety-year-old woman that her mother was long dead. “She just started crying,” she tells McFarquhar. “I stopped right then and there and said I’m never doing that again. I cannot put somebody through that ever again.”
@compmom my dad (and both mom and dad until recently), in his family care home have such an approach. They would be involved with laundry, folding, setting the table, and even cooking as able. @oldmom4896 I didn’t realize that lying to individuals with dementia continued to be an issue. Certainly I’ve learned to take the kinder approach.
I found that lying to my mother has been easier on her than telling her the truth. This has been especially true of deaths that have occurred since she’s been in the nursing home. When she’d occasionally ask if I’ve spoken to so-and-so, I’d just tell her that I haven’t talked to them lately (not really a lie, but definitely an omission). All these family and friends lived too far away to visit, so she didn’t think anything of it.
@shellfell - I agree that therapeutic fibbing is often for the best. I remember this being done 40+ years ago to my grandpa. His only son, my uncle, died of cancer and nobody had the heart to tell grandpa, who was in the hospital and senile, as it was called back then. He regressed to forgetting his English and, fortunately, the adults (I was a teenager) knew Yiddish, which he could still speak. They told him whenever he asked that my uncle had just visited but grandpa was sleeping and uncle had to return to work. Grandpa outlived his son by 3 months. I have never seen the point of distressing people with things they can’t do anything about and which they won’t remember in 5 minutes.
