Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 1)

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Has anyone had their senior parent move into their home with them? Any advice?

I have always told my mother (now 86) that of course she can come live with me if she ever wants to. I can tell she is considering the idea. She is generally still in good health, still drives, moments of confusion but not serious yet but everything is getting challenging for her. My dad died last year. My parents were married for 62 years so you can imagine what a change this year has been.

Now that I realize she might come to live with me at some point, I’m getting nervous. I wish we had planned for this years ago and I had an attached but separate suite in my home. (granny-pad…something that was with us but a little more separated)

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@lookingforward…I hear ya. Ever see the show ‘everybody loves Raymond?’ The mother next door? That’s my MIL, only mine is way sneakier. Yes, she claims that it is her life. Yes, she says ‘you don’t need to come today.’ But if you don’t, Operation Payback begins in earnest.

Really, she has always been self centered and selfish, and now she knows her days are numbered and she will do as she pleases. She really doesn’t care how it impacts any of us. She never has. Whenever denied anything, she reminds us that SHE took care of HER mother. But she and her two sisters lived within a mile of their mother, didn’t work, and their mother was sharp as a tack until she had a heart attack in her late 80’s and passed. ‘Taking care of her’ meant picking up the heavy turkey on Thanksgiving. But that formed her expectation and she can’t see the difference. Or won’t.

Funny but the biggest voices of reason are the adult grandkids. They are so busy with their lives that they have no problem ignoring her for long periods. And they are quick to note the ridiculousness of the situation when we are all twisting ourselves in a pretzel trying to replace the broken coffee grinder for her. (The original one was purchased it Italy 10 years ago and is the only acceptable coffee grinder in the world. She wants THAT ONE). Adult grandkids are the most objective. We should put them in charge. I am not flying to Italy to get the darn coffee grinder. (Well, flying to Italy part isn’t so bad if I can just stay there).

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Just want to repeat, your mother has too much power. It helps to talk to a therapist to see how much of that power you are giving to her and ceding from yourself. We are all struggling with that to some extent, I think, even if the power comes from need.

My mother took the colostomy appliance off yesterday. She may have done this before-there are signs- but I was alerted by the facility yesterday. This is my line in the sand. She cannot comprehend what that “thing” is and takes it off. Presto. Memory care here we come.

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@Empireapple My mother lived with us for around 2-3 years until she got an apartment nearby around 3 years ago now. She is 89 this year, so mid-80’s at the time.

Physical layout: open concept first story, three bedrooms second story, walk-up attic. All the bedrooms are in use, so when my mother got sick (my post http://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/discussion/comment/20824375#Comment_20824375 gives the backstory on her physical condition and recovery) we had to think on our feet. We moved our master bedroom into the attic and put my mother in the former master – it’s right across the hall from the bathroom so safest.

We got her loveseat and desk to fit in her room too so it was more than just a bedroom. It was small but also served as sitting room and study. There was a door directly out to the balcony, so she also had that to keep from feeling too restricted. That might, of course, be a safety issue depending on the condition of the elder, but it worked out well for us. The furniture setup in her room took a little bit of the pressure off sharing our main living area, but we did have to share the kitchen. That wasn’t too bad; hardest thing for me was the psychological pressure of working around her mealtimes rather than getting in there any time I wanted.

Mentally and emotionally, it was a horribly difficult time for us, more because of our history and personalities than about her age or condition. My mother is very needy and self-absorbed, and I’m a content pragmatic introvert. In terms of love languages, I’m acts of service, and my mother’s not only words of affirmation but also has negative baggage about acts of service. Lots of "you hate me"s in a small, sad voice. I couldn’t convince her otherwise and just told her she was the one who had to decide what she thought of that herself. (I’m afraid I asked her if she wanted to read King Lear.)

I worked very hard to set boundaries kindly. When I was in the middle of something and she came in, I’d always acknowledge her cheerfully but go back to what I was doing instead of chatting every time. That took a surprising amount of energy, mostly because it made my mother sad every single time I didn’t stop to chat. Which made me withdraw even more, and you get the picture. Again, depends on the people involved.

Logistically we did make the arrangement work smoothly. We each adapted to the kitchen timing, sharing fridge and cabinet space went smoothly (we eat completely different diets but made it work). Other than having a heartless ogress for a daughter, my mother found her small living area setup in her bedroom to be cozy and pleasant; I often heard her telling people how comfortable she was.

Advice (or what we kept in mind): mentally rearrange your home ahead of the event. My mother and I, for years before the illness that landed her with us, had talked about the possibility of her moving in. I move furniture for fun – in my head mostly – so when she got sick we didn’t have to find a contractor or anything. We did, however, have to hoist a mattress up the balcony with a rope because of the way our stairs are configured!

Know the property tax implications of building an addition. That’s a major reason we decided not to build on an addition (that, and what my mother would have liked was pretty huge and would have looked out of scale with our darling little 28 x 28 square home). Become familiar with zoning restrictions regarding a second kitchen if you’re considering that.

Even if your relationship is a loving and healthy one, the book “Toxic Parents” has suggestions for creating boundaries that are compassionate to all concerned.

So sorry for how bloated this post got!

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Great post, HC.
My mother didn’t say, “you hate me.” She implied she didn’t like me. That was tough as she’d also praise me. Ugh. Control?

Fortunately, I like myself, warts and all. But this yin-yang/back and forth, not knowing something consistent, haunts anyone.

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@cypresspat, your mom does not have the right to run your lives like that! My FIL was calling us every single day, and that was after we made him move to a home. Honestly, he was so feisty that no one was willing to declare him incompetent and he was covering the beginnings of dementia, his daily calling, his calling me 20-30 times a day about issues, these were signs of a mind that was slipping, the problem for us was that he was such a control freak that this behavior was believable as ‘normal’ but it was actually the somewhat demented brain trying to regrasp control of his life.

If your Mom is financially going to be dependent, then why does she have any power over you kids at all? She cannot make you support her in her lifestyle. I am a strong proponent of people who are asking to have others pay for their lives not being allowed to decide all the details of that life to the detriment of the payors.

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@Empireapple my mother has been living here for nearly 10 years, the last one has been really rough with Lewy Body Dementia, and in hindsight I can see early onset symptoms were coming on the couple of years before. Feel free to ask me anything.
Why it has worked for her is that I work from home so am around all the time, why it has been rough is that we are never alone in our home. Sharing the kitchen is likely the worst, the better she was the worse that was as she was perky and peppy and moving around constantly, healthy habits, but makes ya crazy :wink:

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File this under learn from other mistakes…so years ago in the hurry and stress of finding an Assisted Living setting for my dad I signed the contact without really thinking about the end of the contract…needless to say as I move him to a nursing home I have come to discover the exit clause…15 days payment if you die…30 days if they decide they cant care for you and 60 of you decide to leave…here in the NE we are looking at 7-9500 a month so that is no small amount…ugh…lesson learned

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My husband looked ahead and realized that my mother would have to come live with us, so better sooner than later. We found a lot and built a house with an attached (very nice) apartment. Everything went very well for quite a while, except I lost my husband a year and a half after we moved in, and had to take over his company. We went from her being very independent to part-time help, to full-time, to memory care which was traumatic because of broken arm, blood clots, etc.

My MIL, on the other hand was a narcissistic hypochondriac who thought the world should turn around her. She ended up in the hospital and was very happy to stay there, but Medicare didn’t like it so much. so her doctor conned her into checking herself into the Jewish Home (she was Jewish) which is one of the nicest nursing homes in the area. But she thought that we would come check her out and take her home with us. Not. She psycho-dialed me until I simply blocked her phone number. My husband couldn’t stand her and wouldn’t have anything to do with her, so what was done fell on me. Don’t let somebody like that control your life.

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Fantastic post, @HouseChatte!

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My FIL passed away early last Friday after a very quick (less than a week!) decline. H & I were at the AL apt, and H heard his last breaths. MIL was in bed, but got up soon after. It was rough, but as MIL says, also a relief. Pain from scoliosis and osteoporosis + dementia took their toll.

Hospice care was very good and offered insight which helped MIL a lot. She has her own issues, so it will be interesting to see how it all goes. Right now she’s ok & has even been down to the dining room.

They had everything set up and paid for years ago. No services at all.

Our daughters have been a lot of help & have spent quite a bit of time with their grandmother.

Now the fun begins. A sibling, whom I disowned after their shenanigans after our mom died, sent a text to SIL complaining of not being told of his death. I’ll have to tell SIL now what they did. SIL is being her usual self (rather selfish) & is going to drive H nuts. My job is to be on his side.

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@zeebamom, I’m glad your father in law’s passing was quick and that the rough parts didn’t last too long. Good luck with your sibling and SIL. I’m sending thoughts of peace and comfort for your MIL and husband and family.

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I’m sorry for you loss @zeebamom I’m glad the hospice nurses were helpful to MIL. I can’t say in my case with my mom’s recent passing, they were very helpful for my dad.

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Ouch @Aekmom I have to say, I never paid attention to that part of the contract.

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Our AL requires 30 day notice for voluntarily leaving. The residents are tenants so that seems fair. I"ll have to check about the continued charges after death, or if they are the ones to decide the resident leaves!

Perhaps the after death charge is related to the time it often takes people to clean the place out of furniture and personal belongings. I would not think that the transition with new rug and painting etc. should be covered by the former resident’s family.

Charges for weeks after a resident is told to leave would bother me the most.

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@zeebamom So very sorry for your loss, and for the ensuing ugliness. Wishing you peace.

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Wow, I guess it should have been expected, but I’m finding it’s just as hard to help/get info for my dad as it is for my disabled son. I’m trying to take some of the load off my sister’s shoulders, since she’s local to Dad and getting worn out. Thanks to helping my son, I know you just have to keep pushing and pushing, politely!

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@zeebamom so sorry for your loss.

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I’m just here to vent a bit. I don’t have any control over what is unfolding in sloooooowwww motion with my mother in law and her husband. Thank you in afvance for providing me a place to blow off some steam.

(Background) They have been married since 1978 and live in the northern midwest. She has six children, my husband is the oldest. One of her six kids lives 30 miles away from them. The rest of the siblings live on the east and west coasts. Step father has three sons. Two live an hour ot two away from their dad. The third son lives on the west coast. The two who live closest are concerned, agree that “something needs to change”, but are disengaged from any day to day drama.

In a nutshell, the inlaws are presently a lovely (not) combination of atributes: increasingly unhealthy, stubborn, passive, not completely truthful, and in denial. The last six years, in particular, have been a series of health issue crises from which they never completely recover before the next one hits.

MIL is 83, Step FIL is 79. Other than FIL’s family history of early cardiac issues, most of their health issues are a result of their own lifestyle choices. They are not drinkers or smokers, but they are exercise adverse eaters, with the resulting obesity and attendant type two diabetic complications. MIL has had a couple of strokes, from which she physically recovered, but which left her with some fog mentally.

So it has been a slow, ten plus year slide into their present positions, and all of their children’s frustrations. And honestly, we are all becoming more disengaged as their circumstances become worse and they contnue to refuse to make changes. At this point we are all waiting for the inevitable emergency that will absolutely require them to make changes: either a willingness to hire help and renovate their old victorian to make it possible to live comfortably on the first floor, or a move to assisted living.

Since November, MIL felt ill for a few days, then fainted while on the phone with my husband. Three trips to the ER in three days later she landed in the hospital, very ill and weak, where she stayed for three weeks, and then another three weeks in a nursing home/ rehab faciltiy to gain enough strength to walk and stand. she is still using a walker, and is unable to handle stairs, so is stuck on the first floor, which technically has a full bathroom, but she can’t access the tub/shower so she has been sponge bathing and paying the nursing home $25 a pop to go there and have them bathe her once a week. Since February. She thinks this is a reasonable solution.

That first floor bathroom is part of a not well done (but pretty) hot tub room they added twenty five years ago. It isn’t properly insulated and so the pipes freeze occasionally. This last winter was a brutal one, and they were reduced to flushing the toilet with a bucket of water more than once. Seriously, these are not poor people! They could afford to make changes, or to move to assisted living. It upsets their children that they choose to live that way. Their laundry room is in the cellar. (not basement, cellar) accessed via steps that WE find difficult to navigate.

Also since November, FIL lost the sight in one eye, but is still driving, has fallen in the house and had to have the local ENT come to get him upright, and just this past weekend thought he might be having a stroke after two days of feeling ill, but, turns out his blood sugar was over 500 because he hasn’t been testing or regularly taking his insulin. He was released on Monday. MIL says he gets angry if she tries to remind him about the insulin.

He takes great pride in his position as Village President (mayor) which ( he says) requires him to live in their tiny village, and has never waivered in stating that “I’ll leave this house when they wheel my body out on a stretcher”.
Meanwhile my MIL is all in on the idea of moving. She says she’d be happy with a TV, and her books, in a place where her friends and family can visit.

Oh, and also, none of their kids has been successful in getting them to rewrite their wills. They can’t find the wills they had done back in the '90’s. Their kids just want them to make it very clear how they want things handled becsuse we all want to avoid arguments about what goes to which sets of kids. Sigh.

Thanks for the virtual listen. There aren’t any quick solutions to this situation. It is just painful to watch it slowly fall apart.

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@eastcoascrazy What a stressful situation for those of you watching from afar! We on this thread are very familiar with watching train wrecks. Vent away, and (((hugs)))