@MaineLonghorn Good news about your dad! Glad ID got on the case. It makes sense your mom had trouble when she was fatigued, but be aware there might be a physical required at the CCRC.
@VaBluebird mom was a mile away when she died. I knew she would die that night, but with my dad sleeping beside her, I could not stay the night I feel a little bad, but I knew that she would want to die beside her husband and without a lot of fuss. Sounds like your mom is an independent lady and would prefer to die without a bother to anyone. As to the drive, is there a flight or train which would allow you to get closer to her so you don’t have to drive for 6 hours?
I am 15 minutes away from my parents and spent the week before dad died at the hospital, 14 hours a day as mom wanted to sleep there with him. I could not talk her in to going home, so there was no reason for us both to be there.
Once he went home for hospice care, we knew it would be no more than a week, but I stayed the night the first night. Second night mom told me to go home and I left about midnight. At 6:00am mom called to say come now, so I threw on my clothes left on the chair from the previous day, brushed my teeth, and sped away. Mom calls me when I am less than 5 minutes away to tell me not to hurry, that dad was gone. What was I going to do, turn around and go back home? We can laugh about it now, and I am guessing she was just wanting me to know before I arrived. Of course my brother, who is odd, stopped to get himself breakfast and a coke from a gas station, so he also didn’t make it in time… :-0
While I wish I was there for mom, the hospice nurse was there, and I think it was good for mom to have alone time with dad.
On a totally different topic, and an odd one at that-When a friend or family member is gone, do you delete their contact from your phone? I had a friend die a few years ago, and I left his contact in my phone for well over a year; when scrolling for other numbers, it made me smile to see his name. Dad is still in my phone and their home number is still listed as mom and dad, so when I call mom at home, I see dad there. I have a friend that won’t delete anyone, so just curious what others do. Mom also left the outgoing voice message on their home phone as dad, so I get to hear his voice when I call when she isn’t home.
I didn’t delete Mom from my contacts AND I still have her phone number active…I transferred it to call centric and get voice mail via email when anyone calls. There were a few times when i was glad I have it, but I am getting to think I should let it go because all there are are robo calls now. It only costs $2 a month so there isn’t much incentive to move on. I also use her phone number on the Albertsons reward card since we don’t have Albertsons here and I never got a card. … Small town story: I was in her town last week to talk to the tax lady (estate is not yet settled, 2 years later) and stopped in, used her card and the checkout person knew the name that popped up. He used to know her. I had weird emotions about that.
Should be here from Amazon today
Wonder if anyone used this?
Fixed the screen door, fixed sash locks on leaky air windows, replaced an accordion door… Have to put in a handle to help go upstairs. Put in rubber stair treads to give better grip when negotiating stairs. Lots of easy small projects around here. She thinks I am Bob the builder… ?
I was at my home two miles away from my mother when she died at home with my father at her side. I’d known she was going to die as well but it was kind of a private thing with her and my dad. Honestly it never occurred to me to stay as my father was so protective of her. When she passed around 4 am, he didn’t call me right away. He cleaned her up and arranged her carefully and seemed to need that time alone with her. It was a point of pride for him to make her “presentable” to the rest of us. (Which turned out to be only me because my brother didn’t want to come over until they’d taken her away.)
Well I built the thing for the bed and she can struggle to get her feet on it but can’t stand up straight by herself. Soooo… Now I get to go take it apart and send it back to Amazon… But now she wants to try Stairs with me to go to my sister’s house, who unexpectedly lost her husband on Monday to a heart attack on his birthday at 62…
@Knowsstuff sorry to hear about your BIL. My 95 year old MIL is still very mobile, drives and leaves the home daily to play bridge, but stairs give her a bit of trouble. My SIL entry requires MIL to navigate 20 or so stairs with every visit, and we do most family events at this home. We have found is is best to have two of the men walk her up and down, one on each side of her, supporting her arms. She can take the steps herself, but the guys provide a bit of leverage and balance for her if that make sense. They don’t actually lift her, but carry most of the weight to make it easier for her. Someone else carries her walker down the stairs for when she gets to the bottom or top.
@snowball. Thx so much… My mom was driving, cooking, shopping till last August. Then 3 falls, one pelvic fracture and one hip replacement later… She no longer drives, but still cooks and walks with her walker. Working with PT to do the stairs. They have abnormally high or deep steps, so it’s an issue.
My mother lived in my home and was on hospice for a couple of months, her last week was most likely the end coming (though I had seen her just as bad previously so who knew!?) I spent a couple of nights in her room in her chair, creating a lovely Pandora station for her, listening to music (and crying.) But I could not keep staying with her every minute, it was exhausting. She was alive at 1AM when checked and dead in the morning, so even though she was in our home, we still missed the moment.
We were blessed to be with my Dad when he passed and I am glad for that, but you just cannot make that happen, even when you are in town.
My poor dad, it’s one step forward and two steps backward for him. Now his hemoglobin has fallen to a low level and he still has a lot of fluid around his lungs (2 liters removed by mid-day). I don’t have a good feeling about this. The infection is cleared up but now these other issues are popping up. And the weekend doctors/PAs are useless. My sister finally found one to talk to and he was short with her - didn’t know much about Dad’s history, either.
I’m trying not to think about it, but I’m starting to wonder if he will be out for Christmas when we’re all there. He wasn’t even supposed to be in through Thanksgiving!
So true. And I think we have previously discussed the idea that people sometimes choose their moments to pass. I am 100% positive that my father waited for my sister and I to be together and my brother to be away from the house when he took his final breath. He knew my brother would not have handled it, and he knew my sister and I would need each other.
Many things I have read and personal experiences lead me to believe that many people who are quite ill have a certain window in which they can choose their time of death. The often CHOOSE to die when they are alone for reasons they choose. Some choose to die when a loved one is with them but some just prefer to be alone in their last moment. It’s not a reflection against any family member, just what happens sometimes.
My beloved family member had most of her loved ones gathered in her place the last weekend before she died. She smiled and chatted with everyone, made some final legal arrangements, but otherwise gave no indication that she was immenently planning to die–nonetheless on Tuesday, just as our plane touched down from visiting her, she drew her last breath, with only her other brother and her beloved cousin beside her. It was clearly what and how she wanted to go.
For sure some people wait until their loved ones leave. I spent a long and peaceful day with my dad in hospice care in the hospital, and he died 10 minutes after I left.
My MIL spent a lovely Thanksgiving with us and her D (who flew in from SF). It was truly a very nice visit. She chose to die just after her D safely landed in SF. Her D returned the favor and died just after we landed in HNL many years later (after we had all gathered together and spent the weekend visiting her).
When my grandfather was close to death, my uncle was desperately trying to get there to say goodbye. It also happened to be my uncle’s birthday. My grandmother and mother knew my grandfather would not want to die on my uncle’s birthday, so they kept telling him it wasn’t midnight yet, even though midnight had passed. When my uncle arrived, they told him it was midnight now, and my grandfather died within 10 minutes.
@MaineLonghorn It seems they still don’t know what is going on with your dad. It’s obvious not “just” the infection, unless it traveled elsewhere. With the low hemoglobin, are his kidneys functioning OK? Poor kidney function would also explain the pleural effusion (fluid around lungs).
@MaineLonghorn I am so sorry things have taken a turn. My heart goes out to you and your family.
@knowstuff You are trying things that you think will help. Some things just do not work out, but some things will work and will give comfort. We got a lift chair when Dad first got sick (floor sample, not too expensive), and it has been the perfect item. We got the rollator, but he prefers the stable walker with no wheels.
Totally agree. My comments were more tongue in cheek. I literally just put it together then 10 minutes later was taking it apart…lol. No issue on my part.
We bought her a Revere electronic bed base so she can elevate her feet and elevating her head up high helps her get out of bed. (pro hint… Floor models are like 1/3 of the price). But just trying different things to make her life easier.
We can laugh about it now, and I am guessing she was just wanting me to know before I arrived. Of course my brother, who is odd, stopped to get himself breakfast and a coke from a gas station, so he also didn’t make it in time… :-0