Yes, sometimes one can get a discount price for direct cash payments instead of having all the paperwork of billing and invoices as well. Payments may be deductible as medical expenses as well.
Awesome Idea… Didn’t think of that. I will speak to my mother about it. But I thought they couldn’t work outside of their contracts like non compete clause? Plus they most likely wouldn’t be covered with their bond /insurance if they work on their own? Hmmm. Just talking out loud
My dad died 13 years ago, my mom moved to assisted living 11 years ago and she is now 98. She lives six hours from me and my only sibling is six hours in the opposite direction. I have begged her for years to move by me so I can look in on her routinely and “monitor” things. No, no, no, she would not. Long story short, she is now very ill, it is the end, she’s under hospice care. They are amazing. I am so thankful for their service. I’m not a young woman myself and I can hardly jump in the car and drive six hours every few days. I’ve had wonderful discussions with the nurse and the social worker and they assure me and my brother not to feel guilty. And they will be with her as needed. She is soooooooo ready “to go”. Very positive about that.
It’s so damned sad. She is the best mom ever. I love her with all my heart. And I can’t be with her.
That being said, both my brother’s wife and my husband’s sister were not with their moms when they passed even though they lived nearby. So, I have to get over this notion that I “have to be with her”. The social worker assured me that Mom has never expressed a desire or wish or expectation that me or my brother or both would be with her. They also assured me they will be with her.
Thanks for “listening”.
Hugs to you, @VaBluebird.
@VaBluebird. All the best to you. It is so difficult being hours away. People are living longer, children are more scattered. Younger generations may adapt more to moving to where their kids are, or to where whoever is that is most willing to help, if there is no local adult child . We learned from dealing with issues with our elders that we want to be flexible in making things as easy as possible for our children as we age. If we need to move, we would consider it if it would make things easier for our kids. Neither will ever live where we are now or where we might want to relocate to. Never easy no matter what.
Please take care. I lived hours away but was there and sleeping in the room with my mom when she died in her home on hospice care, went to check on her in the middle of the night and she was gone. We drove hours when my 91 year old MIL was failing in her memory care unit(all of her children were hours away but she wanted to stay in her hometown). She was still alive when we arrived, but died shortly after, when we were out of the room. Both dads also died after very recent visits from hours away.
This is such a difficult journey. You sound like you have been a wonderful daughter. Thanks for telling us about this, we are listening.
@VaBluebird even if you aren’t able to be physically WITH your mom, it’s obvious you’re there FOR her.
@MaineLonghorn I can’t believe what the docs have put your family through. I am hoping you hadn’t yet told your father and mother the “bad news.” Such a push and pull with different opinions that were incorrect or premature. I hope the usual anti-fungals help and that your parents can move to that unit they have been trying to decide about. Perhaps this medical crisis will convince your Dad.
@VaBluebird I can empathize with what you’re feeling. My 98 yo mother is in a nursing home 7 hours away. I used to live much, much closer, but when we retired we decided we wanted to relocate and that I would make trips to visit her every few months. I never know when I see her if that will be the last time. She’s been on hospice for 2 years - every time it looks like she’s near the end, she rallies and recovers. When I visit, she knows someone’s there, but I don’t think she knows it’s me. It’s heartbreaking to watch the decline, and visits get more difficult for me physically and emotionally.
We all do the best we can.
@VaBluebird Hugs. I’m sorry your mom is nearing the end of her life. She sounds like she understands and accepts and welcomes her situation. She raised a caring daughter. Your distress is because you care so much. It is so sad and perhaps a time for you to cry and let that sadness be truly felt.
Only a second for an update, but @compmom was definitely right in advising us not to say much to Dad.
The heart surgeon looked in Dad’s wound yesterday (it’s still wide open, yikes) and said it looks MUCH better and he was very happy about it.
Then the infectious disease doctor, who I looked up and does seem like a top specialist, came in and said the same. He thinks Dad will be fine. We told him about the heart surgeon’s previous dire prognosis, and he actually rolled his eyes!! He said that sometimes surgeons tell you things are worse than they really are. ?!? Whatever. My sister and I asked him a ton of questions and while he can’t GUARANTEE anything, from his 34 years of experience he thinks Dad is out of the woods. We do have the top doctor at Wash U in St. Louis waiting in the wings. He responded to our emails IMMEDIATELY, like within five minutes! He seems like an incredibly nice person. He gave us his cell phone number! After conferring, we decided we’ll see what the surgeon sees when he looks at Dad in the OR on Tuesday. If the situation has deteriorated, we’ll contact the outside specialist.
So my head is spinning, but it’s good news!! Wow. I will return to Maine on Thursday, the 12th. Then my oldest son and I will return to Austin on the 17th. The rest of my family will fly down a couple of days before Christmas.
Thanks for all your support! I will post this in my other thread, also.
So happy to read this @MaineLonghorn!
@MaineLonghorn great update! Make sure you take care of yourself in the midst of all this. Continuing best wishes.
Dad looks better today. I think he must have had a pretty good idea of how dire the doctors thought his prognosis was, because now that they’ve given him good news, he has really perked up. All the phone calls I made to his ex-students have paid off - he’s getting a bunch of visitors, which he loves. He’s very social. He’s walking around the floor with help several times a day, too.
I had a fun trip to Salado, a small town north of Austin, today with my mom and some of her church friends. Her stamina was pretty good during the day, but when we got back to the house, she couldn’t get the front door open (I dropped her off while I parked the car). She couldn’t punch in the four-digit code correctly (the same one they’ve had for many years). Then she was very confused about the meds to take tonight since the caregiver didn’t come today due to our trip. I ended up having to call the caregiver and ask. 
@MaineLonghorn last November all my mother’s grandkids flew home for Thanksgiving because we didn’t know whether she would make it to Christmas. Here we are and she seems healthier than ever. I understand your whiplash!
Has a decision been made for the unit your parents were considering ?! Does the on and off medical crisis mean they had to delay?
@compmom This past week, my parents put down the huge deposit on the unit. Renovations will take three months, then the facility will give them another three months for healing/house selling. I hope we’re not sticking our heads in the sand. My sister and I are definitely feeling a little nervous. My dad and I will be talking to the realtor tomorrow morning about putting their house on the market - they’re supposed to tell us the selling price they’re suggesting. Since it will probably be a teardown, I’m not sure how that works. Really sad, because it’s a beautiful house.
@MaineLonghorn We thught my mother’s house was a tear down but the buyers ended up keeping the shell up and doing a redo for the interior. The process was so different from selling a house that is in good shape and staged. My impulse was to paint and repair and I had to be reminded that the new owners no doubt would not care how it looked inside.
Is the deposit for the unit refundable? To an outsider like me, this sounds like a hugely positive step and one of hope for a few more good years. Hope that is the case!
Thanks @compmom. Yes it’s refundable. I appreciate your perspective! I have to keep reminding myself what a remarkable man my father is. He will keep fighting and do whatever he can to get better. He wants to stick around to see the Longhorns win another football championship, for one thing! He got to go to the White House with the team the last time that happened. ?
We were with MIL when she died in September (hospice had called to say the end was near), although she appeared unaware of our presence. It was helpful for DH, who always felt sad and guilty that his dad died alone. What was hard and surprising for DH was that when he called his sister to relate what hospice had said, she told him that since her kids had soccer games and she had a lot of work to do, she wasn’t coming.
He could really have used her support not only at their mom’s deathbed but also making funeral arrangements & notifying people. Since SIL is the only family DH has left after their brother died in March, he felt really alone, and while he understands that everyone grieves differently, I think he also came away from this feeling he cannot count on her.
This has made me redouble my efforts to support my sister, who is the local caregiver for my mom. (I live 1200 miles away.)
I’m just back from visiting my parents. My mom mentally seems unchanged but she’s having more gross motor decline. I worry about falls as she’s very unsteady and now having trouble getting in/out of chairs. They’ve hired more staff who are lovely but I think we’re getting closer to needing a private duty caregiver for her. Honestly it will be safer when she won’t be able to get out of a chair alone.
That all said, she seemed happy, relaxed, and peaceful and her face lit up when she saw me so there was recognition.
Just got home from Texas but I’ll return in five days. The good news is that Dad continues to improve. He had plastic surgery on his incision today and will stay in the hospital one more week to make sure he fully heals from it. That will make four weeks total!
I am feeling a little overwhelmed. I’m the point person for their house sale and move planning. Of course they’ve hired people to help but those folks need direction and have lots of questions. Like who will repair the deck that has holes and rot? I thought Dad took care of that months ago but nope. It dawned on me that my husband can do that when he’s there week after next. He enjoys that kind of work.
I figure I’ll take one hour and one issue at a time!