@shellfell - sorry for your loss. I remember the fog that can linger afterwards, accompanied by periodic, often unpredictable, times where grief claims you. It is a time to be gentle with yourself.
@MaineLonghorn - understand your wish to be in Texas and so sorry that your son is having a hard time on top of everything. Best with the advisory panel. These are the moments when submitting a “letter of resignation” looks tempting, but we know that it won’t be accepted. Of course, what is really needed is the chance to step off the merry go round and re-charge. Hard when that is impossible. We are all with you.
@MaineLonghorn I am glad you are going to Austin. I remember the inability to think about anything but my mom. I told people around me I was preoccupied and would be making mistakes and forgetting things. The fog remained and I think still lingers two months out. When my mom died I felt relief and thought I would snap back to normal, but it doesn’t work that way.
@MaineLonghorn a note to remember, my last year with my mother was quite overwhelming, but I soldiered through, was strong, did all that everyone needed, etc. However, in this first year after her death I am way more emotionally fragile and I am not really mourning her, I am venting the pent up emotions, so if you are anything like me, getting done what must be done, no time for wallowing in being overloaded, just give yourself a break this next year. I seriously thought life would be chilled out without all the elder care, but no, other things have risen up to fill my time, things I want to do, and yet I am quite cranky about it. I seriously feel the need for some selfish time.
@somemom thanks for the advice. That all makes sense. I’m already feeling a bit resentful at having to be responsible for everybody and everything.
@compmom it dawned on me that going to Cambridge would be a chance to escape a couple of days. The wines and dined us tonight. It was quite nice meeting other mothers of people with schizophrenia (no fathers are in the group!). Tomorrow we’ll be sharing our stories and answering questions. It’s a unique experience, being asked our feelings by people not in our shoes! Tonight I talked to the psychiatrist who’s in charge of the clinical part of developing the new drug. He really listened to me!! ?
I’m dealing with my sister’s estate and cleaning out my Mom’s apartment. Both are totally distracting me from my job, the election and vacation plans. I feel like I’m walking around in circles half finishing everything. My emotions are all over the board as well - I think I’m going through those 7 (?) stages of grief all at once - mad that my sister died without paying off her bills or organizing her papers, and so sad that I can’t talk to her about everyday stuff and uncomfortable with being the sole person to make decisions about my Mom.
Just fyi, we don’t talk so much about “7 stages” anymore. More a random ping-ponging. Try not to hold yourself to that expectation. Best wishes to all dealing with this.
Oddly, when my parents died, I didn’t think of the “fog” as a fog, but rather as time stopping still for a period. The fog was there, but it was also a chance to step out of the everyday routine, and focus on more important aspects to life (memories, honoring of the deceased, time with family, setting work aside, etc.). Looking back, it was not all negative. And I’m usually a glass half empty person.
Just an update and another thanks for the support. My mom had a rough day with pain and agitation yesterday. That was what the hospice md warned us about. Today she’s barely responsive but very comfortable. All the frown lines on her forehead are gone and she is very peaceful.
I had to fight family to give me some alone time with my mom. My brother backed me up and intervened. The person causing the most headaches is the one who hasn’t been here in over two years. I’m finding my patience running very short.
Funeral plans in terms of funeral home selection and contacting the church have been made. The hospice social worker was a big help and helped me narrow down the list.
Doctor is still anticipating she will pass tomorrow or Sunday.
I was planning on staying tonight but another family member is refusing to go to the hotel. No point in two people not sleeping, especially because things don’t seem imminent in terms of happening tonight.
If my mom does pass more suddenly, I feel at peace that I’ve said my goodbyes and won’t feel guilty about not being at the bedside.
We’re in the epicenter of the corona virus outbreak. My MIL lives in an assisted living facility where (at this time) there’s no evidence of the virus. My daughters went this evening to bring dinner to their grandma and they weren’t allowed in the door.
MIL is alone since FIL died last May, and refuses to ask the facility for things or help. This was supposed to be a decent dinner and a celebration of #2Ds coming birthday.
MIL is fairly deaf, even with hearing aids and has macular degeneration and low vision.
For those elders who need/desire a lot of family connection, this can be devastating.
My dad has rebounded remarkably. I cannot even believe the photos of him I’m receiving. He’s not even on oxygen!! He’s talking away and eating a lot. He’s sitting at the dinner table. He’s SMILING! I’m so happy I’m going back on Monday. I can’t imagine this phase will last long, but who knows? He is amazing. Meanwhile, Mom is moving stuff into her new apartment! It seems kind of awkward to me??
I recently had a conversation with a friend whose brother probably has little time remaining. She shared how all his siblings had different ideas for what he should do. (Fight it, Move to Hospice facility, Stay at home with help, etc.). I asked her what HE wants to do. She quickly answered his preference. So I asked how could they best grant that. But she said the family doesn’t agree. It made me sad. Living will is in place, which will hopefully help if I’m not able to express my preferences at the time.
Dad’s hospice nurse gave us the “There will be ups and downs” speech yesterday, after Dad fought off a skin (Cellulitis) and urinary tract infection at the same time. I have battled depression and anxiety non-stop, and am starting to get to a rhythm of hardening myself for the tough times (changing wound dressings) and enjoying the good days (going for car rides). My sister and I are struggling in our relationship, which also does not help.
My heart goes out to all that are going through this. Every situation is different.
I’d guess the inner guilt, even if not acknowledged even to themselves, is causing that one to prove to themselves they are stepping up and doing something, assuaging inner feelings.
Sister just called and said that Mom is anxious to move to her new place. Sis is trying to explain that it would be a little odd for Mom to live apart from Dad during his last days. I think in her mind, Mom has already grieved the loss of Dad and just wants to move on.
And now Dad wants to go back to the infectious disease doctor because his chest wound is leaking again, indicating that the yeast infection is still present. The advocate explained to him that it probably won’t make a difference in how long he lives, but Dad wants to get it treated. My sister and I are at the point where we’re just laughing about it all. I’m glad we have each other and can be honest about how we’re feeling. I was feeling guilty for thinking it would have been better for Dad to pass peacefully two weeks about, but Sister brought up the same thought before I said anything.
Mom’s still hanging on but her breathing is extremely erratic and the doc thinks it will be tonight. Still dealing with family issues but the hospice nurse intervened. So grateful for their expertise and support. They told us all to leave for 90 minutes to give mom some quiet time in case she doesn’t want an audience and is holding on for us. Two family members got super defensive but the nurse left no room for argument. Meanwhile the one family who has been the most supportive is sick and didn’t leave the hotel bed. Of course we’ve been hugging and all exposed. I’m praying for the best. I can ill afford to be sick now.
When I did hospice volunteer training a few years ago, they told us that patients most often wait to die until loved ones are not in the room. I always pictured people dying with loved ones gathered around the bed, holding the person’s hand, but actually they often won’t let go until alone, according to the hospice training.
@momofsenior1 @MaineLonghorn
I am SO sorry for what you both are going through. Your family members are lucky to have you.
Sending prayers to both of you. We lost my MIL at a very early age and it still stings to this day. My heart breaks when I read what you are going through. Sending CC hugs.