Parents caring for the parent support thread (Part 1)

Now 4 positive residents, all on the 4th floor memory unit, and two staff have tested positive as well. Three residents were hospitalized, one died. One is in isolation still on the floor. The staff were still rotating last Thursday so they cared for residents on other floors.

I’m watching a CDC video about how elder care facilities should deal with COVID-19.

All facilities in the US should stop allowing visitors.
Employees should be screened before every shift (take temperature, ask about coughs, sore throat, etc.)
Every resident should be screened every day (take temps, etc).
Activities and communal dining should be halted.

When COVID-19 appears in the community (that is, in the area, not in the facility), all providers should use masks. Providers should be reminded to practice social distancing in break rooms and common areas.

When COVID-19 appears in the facility, residents should be confined to their rooms and providers should use PPE for every resident.

My mother-in-law’s facility has cases of COVID-19. They are doing none of this except restricting visitors, as far as I can discern from afar.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1FiVFx5O78

A good friend of mine passed on Saturday. He was 31 years my senior at 90 years old. My mother’s age. We became good friends with him and his wife due to our dogs. He was a dog person. They all gravitated to him. Even my dog that didn’t like anyone loved Bill. His claim to fame was making cookies. All types and the best you ever tasted. When we asked how they are so good he would say “they are made with love”.

Fast forward when his wife died my wife gave her eulogy. His only son wanted my wife to do it. We knew all his friends to this day. We were like one big family.

We started taking care of Bill since we were always around. Taking him to Dr visits, picking up stuff he needed at the grocery store etc etc. When he had to go through the emergency room we were there knowing his current dnr orders and all his meds. I sat with him about a month ago in the ER when I relieved his care taker. The doctors came in and asked If I was his son (asked many times over the years). I just say yes
I am actually on the “family” list. I or my wife would call his son and update him. Bill never had a great relationship with his son. We tried to change that over the years a bit . We always thought his son lived "5"hours away. We found out it was only 2. When we would say call your son for x, he would say he doesn’t want to bother him but he would call us daily for anything! If we didn’t call him to check on him he would get mad at us… Lol…

I would go fix his email, computer, etc. It seemed like he would try to break it so I would come over and fix it. Lol.

Long life Cubs fan. His dream and everyone’s else’s in Chicago is going to a world series game. So when I got lucky enough to get 3 tickets for the first playoff game several years ago it was me, my son and Bill. He hadn’t been to a game in 10 years due to declining health and ability but we got him there barely… Chicago Police were awesome.

Fast forward his living facility around the block from his condo and our house (don’t ask) has 5 staff and 5 seniors with covid. Not sure if his body will be tested…His son got the funeral home to give visitation this Friday for 1 hour. He will be missed but when in the hospital last month he told us that this is it. He knew. He had several Co morbidity.

He slumped over and passed when a care worker was helping him to bed. No suffering. I am happy he didn’t have to endure any pain.

@Knowsstuff , I am sorry for the loss of your friend.

That was a beautiful tribute to your friend.

My mom’s CCRC is following most of the directions above quite well, but the residents in IL are not required to stay home, they can go to the store or wherever, no one follows them around. There is a resident I’m worried about. Not age related cognitive decline, just an innate insensitivity to the safety of others. Trying to be like my mom, who said “There’s nothing I can do about it so I’ve decided to quit worrying about it.”

@Knowsstuff I’m so very sorry. Your friend sounds like he was an incredible man.

My Dad’s facility has been following all the rules from early on. So far they have been virus-free. Although our area has not had a lot of cases yet. I can’t imagine how lonely it must be for the AL and SL residents.

My mother’s facility still has communal dining and activities, distanced.

My MIL was admitted to sub-acute rehab in a nursing facility a week ago after spending the two previous weeks in the hospital. She has an antibiotic-resistant infection that requires an IV infusion of a very specific and expensive antibiotic which dictated which facility would take her. She had also experienced multiple strokes that have debilitated her though she is not incapacitated.

She was tested for COVID-19 on admission to the hospital because she had a persistent low grade fever and is 87 y/o and was negative. The rehab place put her in 72 isolation on arrival but then allowed her to be taken to the dining room, group PT and activities, all of which are ongoing with “social distancing.” There is COVID in the nursing home part of the facility and I don’t trust there is no cross-contamination, but a)it’s not my call, and b) there’s no place else that will take her.

She has been alone since admission to the hospital where they lost one of her hearing aids so communication, always difficult, is no near to impossible. My H calls twice a day and often has to ring the nurses desk multiple times so someone can go tell her to answer the phone. I know this is a very difficult time for facilities - they are understaffed and unused to caring for patients without family assistance and the patients are often lonely and scared.

It’s heartbreaking to hear her ask why she’s there and tell us how lonely she is (and this is a woman with whom I have very little relationship, 41 years after eating her son) and to know that H’s siblings do nothing but question every decision he makes. He has power of attorney and the health care proxy, so to the extent she is not capable, it’s all on him. I really am not happy that the facility is not following the CDC guidelines, but short of having her go home with 24/7 nursing, infusion therapists and physical therapists, it’s all we have.

@runnersmom what happens after rehab?

Why nursing homes and senior living centers yield COVID-19 ‘perfect storm’
More than 3,600 COVID-19 deaths in the U.S. are believed to be linked to nursing homes and assisted living centers. The number is only an estimate – likely an undercount – because the federal government has not released details of what is happening in these facilities. Amna Nawaz hears personal stories of people affected by the phenomenon and talks to Harvard Medical School’s David Grabowski.
https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/why-nursing-homes-and-senior-living-centers-yield-covid-19-perfect-storm

Thank you for your thoughts. The obituary came out last night and we were named along with the family names. Yes, were were that close.

Incredible man… I guess so. Koren fighter pilot then Chicago police officer. He never wanted to talk about the war. He never flew commercially after either. It affected him. His vices, white castle, chocolate and Pepsi. We had to sneak some in if in the hospital like when he had his femur fracture from a fall last year. As the world is in chaos he wanted some Pepsi " He got mad since we wouldn’t rush out last week to get him some. His mental capacity was there. He just wanted it but didn’t grasp the intensity of what was going on outside his facility. Yep, I went out to get him some and also did some shopping for other things. I could only leave it in the foyer of the facility and they would wipe it down and bring it to them. I called him and said only have one since he had issues in the past drinking too many of them. He totally appreciated whenever we went to get him stuff but also sorta demanded that we did… Lol…

It’s funny. Some people you never expect will die.

My mother is turning 91 on the 27th. After a bad year in and out of hospitals /, surgery /rehab she is actually doing well. Bored bring inside but doing well. She’s another one that seems like she will just last forever. I will be in town to pick up my son at school to bring him home. I will be able to go over and wave at her. Last time I was there and went shopping for her I talked to her from afar. She was in her living room and I brought the groceries into her kitchen. She then unloaded and wiped down everything with gloves on.

This new reality is a bit strange but it’s what we have at the moment.

I talked to my dad’s financial advisor yesterday . It’s a bit tricky for him. I have POA but he usually doesn’t deal with a relative if the client is of sound mind, which my dad definitely is. But Dad is showing zero interest in financial matters. That’s a little odd for a guy who wants to be in control of everything! So we’ve worked out an arrangement that I can make decisions but then I keep Dad informed in case he has any objections. So far, he has not had an issue with anything I’ve done. It’s weird to be in charge of that much money!

@compmom, I really don’t know. Given that we have until 5/13 at a minimum because of the antibiotic infusion, my H has a little time to plan. If she goes home he has to find a geriatric care manager who can create the staff she will need and he will have to have a lift built into her garage if she is still wheelchair bound. He has the plans and the contact for that since he explore it after an incident late last year. Alternatively I guess we see if an AL would take her and otherwise it’s skilled nursing, but I think that would be an absolute last resort. She has the resources many times over to have in-home care but with the coronavirus limitations on my husband’s access to her (I don’t want him home after coming in contact with a large cadre of caregivers whose behavior he can’t control), he’s concerned about being able to vet the caregivers. I actually know a local woman who does this so I’d be comfortable with anyone she recommends, but we’ll see. Good news is that we have a little time to figure this out. Also depends on what progress, if any, she makes in rehab.

My dad’s advocate said that caregiving agencies are currently very reluctant to take on new clients. We could use one more caregiver right now since one of the regulars is ill, but we’ll have to make due for now. My sister and nephew are filling in the gap.

@runnersmom, if MIL is not needing a lot of care overnight, not up frequently for toileting or position change such that sleep is possible, what about a live in? In my prior experience, you pay them the going rate for 10 hours a day and provide them full room and board, with the understanding that they get some off the clock time, maybe working 4-5 hours morning and evening or whatever.

That could provide much less outside contamination if the person isn’t going home to a big family with kids or grandkids.

@somemom, I think we’ll have a better handle on that in a couple of weeks once we see how the rehab goes. I’ve always felt that was the way to go and her townhouse is set up well for that kind of arrangement. Pretty sure we’ll still need visiting nurse and PT so exposure would still be great but who knows where things will be in a month. Thanks for the suggestions.

@runnersom glad you have time. A big factor is what will be going on with the coronavirus. I hired 2 private nurses for my mother who is in AL, and one of the nurses just lost her mom, so we are down to just one, who has child care issues with schools closed, so the colostomy care is delayed, not good. Some facilities are also not taking people right now so going home sounds good.

My mother is calling me 8 times a day. Every night after dinner she calls me sobbing asking if she can come live with me. She used to love it at her AL but has no understanding that all the changes are due to the virus, and doesn’t remember how it used to be just weeks ago. I feel so maternal toward my mother!

I keep looking at apartments on Zillow to move her into. I am in a one bedroom that ends in a month or two. BUt how do we furnish a place in the midst of all this? And how do I feel safe living with someone whose fellow residents and staff have been diagnosed as positive.

How many people here have taken their loved one out? (Actually our city newspaper called me as the result of a survey and are doing an article on this!)

We took my mom out because it was the day after the funeral for dad, when they announced beginning the next day, there would be NO visitors. We had been visiting my folks every day and mom had stayed with me while dad was in the hospital. She’s never lived alone and we couldn’t bear leaving her there alone and she’d have no memory of why she was there alone, where dad disappeared to, why no one visited, and what the residents were and weren’t supposed to do. She’s staying with my sister but each of us helps watch her during the day when we can.

The people in independent living, where mom lived were coming and going freely, increasing risks for everyone in the facility.