My mom is not weathering the isolation well. In the past we’ve been able to help rally her, but with the ban on visitors and group dining she’s just on her own. No family lives nearby, and none of us have homes that she could function in anyway. And it’s not just her, this is being repeated all over the country. All over the world, really.
@MaineLonghorn I still have a storage unit for some of my parents things (mostly my dad’s writings and reference materials) and I have about 10 boxes of books in my basement. Just don’t know what to do with them. He doesn’t realize they are missing and I haven’t been able to let myself donate them. Four full bookcases in our living room were his pride and joy.
@surfcity, thanks for sharing. I did tell my dad I’d brought up some of his valuable books (old and/or first editions) to Maine. That was the week we thought was going to be his last. I guess I may end up shipping them back down to him, but I won’t do it unless he requests it.
@MaineLonghorn
It’s amazing to me how your dad bounced back. This happened to by grandmother in law when in hospice. She lived another 6 years and passed at 106. Might have to sign a long term lease for the folks… Lol. Hope for continued health and happiness.
@Knowsstuff, it is incredible. My sister said that when she drops by the house, she finds Dad sitting at the dining room table, working on his computer. He’s doing “weight lifting” with soup cans. He’s walking without a walker. He’s been an overachiever since he was young, so I guess it’s not TOO surprising!
@MomofJandL my mom is also struggling with the isolation (mostly with perceived isolation, because I’m 1200 miles away, my brother is 100 miles away, so only my sister is in the same town). Before her CCRC went to lockdown, my mom’s only outing was a weekly hair appointment. She often chose to eat in her room and turned down invitations from my sister to get out for a meal. In reality, almost all of her days are exactly the same as they were pre-COVID19, but what frustrates her is the loss of the ability to make those choices.
I could drive halfway across the country and bring her here, but we have no first floor bedrooms. My sister who is local to her has no first floor bedrooms. My brother does, but his wife and my mom have never been close. So we are all FaceTiming multiple times a day, which is more frequently than ever before, but my mom is still unhappy. We can call, write, send gifts, text, etc. , but the reality is we can’t make her happy.
Anyone else trying to coach a parent with dementia in assisted living or memory care, on how to stay safe? It’s comical and sad at the same time. How to wear a mask, sanitize hands after the elevator (yes they are still allowed to go outside), use elbows to open the door, wash hands in room. Hopeless.
I spent a few hours yesterday looking at airbnb and VRBO, Craigslist temp/sublet and Zillow for a place to take my mother. I live in a teeny one bedroom and my late 20’s daughter is squeezed in. It is also seasonal so I have to move, now extended to July 1.
So if I found a place, I thought I could hire a live-in for 14 days until my mother is done quarantine, then take over. I cannot risk exposure due to health conditions.
No progress: in my area there are prohibitions on “lodging” and noone is able to view apartments. I found one place but when I was asked to explain my situation, they then said it was rented and would send me photos of another place. I haven’t heard from them. I don’t think anyone wants to rent to a 90-something with even a slight chance of exposure.
My brother has a house with an apartment downstairs but he doesn’t want to take her.
I am just spinning wheels. Have to accept reality.
My dad is really struggling with the isolation as well. He has a neighbor who has adopted him into their family and helps him with cleaning/laundry/grocery shopping since his agency stopped coming. They also eat a few meals with him a few times/week. We call every single day now to help break up the day for him at least a little bit. We’re trying to have him FaceTime with us but he doesn’t really seem to be interested.
@compmom I don’t think there is any way to get through to a dementia or Memory Care patient. Both of my parents are now cognitively impaired and everytime we Facetime (with a caregiver on their end) they ask about me coming over. When the caregiver reminds them of the virus, they immediately say, “Oh yes, that’s right” but 5 minutes later they forget.
Their unit is pretty much locked down tight. No one enters or leaves, except the limited staff that work there. They isolated residents for about 2 weeks in their rooms, but are now letting them back to eat in the dining room and go to the activity room. I am in favor of this, as my dad has had recent falls because his leg muscles have atrophied so much by just sitting in the room. Even the limited walking to dining room and activities was keeping him in better shape.
I also think the isolation is doubly hard on a dementia patient and quality of life is important to me for my parents. Of course there is the risk that one of the caregivers could get sick but that is a risk I have to take.
I have consulted at least 3 doctors who confirmed my decision to keep them in their facility, where they have access to nurses who provide all medications properly and staff who can provide distraction. They would unquestionably be less safe in my home.
ML, as far as the decision to use Aleve, it has many layers or considerations. Best, imo, is to ask a doctor working with your father. The explanations I’ve seen tend to be general and focus on both being NSAIDS, one having a longer effectiveness. There can be cardio and kidney side effects.
Maybe the risk assessment cleared your Dad for Aleve.
This link seems to covet a lot. https://www.drugs.com/medical-answers/naproxen-ibuprofen-difference-3117722/ Note where they say, for many, acetaminophen/Tylenol is preferred over an NSAID.
But it seems a fever at 100.3 is reason to have a chat anyway.
@surfcity, I agree with your rational attitude.
Dementia is about the (unstoppable) decline in intellectual capacity. When the diagnosis is accurate, little chance some explanation about Corona, some new exercise, routine, pill, etc, is going to result in them having a “Eureka! moment.”
Our role is to be protectors, as best we can. We aren’t med pros, our homes may not be suitable, or our own tolerances may be limited. And they ofte can’t self advocate.
Bringing them home may simply be not feasible. It may not be the “protective” decision. We shouldn’t fault ourselves. But recognize that this is a rotten situation, all around, * beyond our control.*
Btw Cuomo spoke today and admitted that, after a 2 week quarantine where she lives in NY, she came to stay at her parents’ home (presumably, Albany.) AND brought her boyfriend. I don’t think that’s the intent behind quarantine and social distancing- not to do some right number of days in one spot and then get a free pass to go anywhere you want. Nor does bringing another person. Disappointed.
Yes, it’s these “little exceptions” that will do a lot of damage.
I’m very annoyed that my 25-year-old has gone on a hike with a friend, even though I’m sure they will keep their distance. What annoyed me was that he ANNOUNCED this to me, instead of asking, even though we’d made the rules clear. Ugh, this kid can get explosive when he’s upset, so I didn’t challenge him. I guess I need to sit him down later today and explain why it made me so angry.
He probably “needed”. to go get some energy out. Just did a long walk myself since my dogs old and just can’t go that far anymore. I am tired but in a good way.
@surfcity my mother forgets the virus in 5 minutes, and keeps forgetting that meals are in the room. She calls my many times a day. By coaching I mean tellng her to wear a mask, and it is in the moment since she has just called me before going out in the hall. She would forget in minutes but I can coach her in that moment.
There is no way my mother is safer in the assisted living facility. If your parents are in a smaller unit with dedicated staff that’s great but my mother’s facility isn’t doing that. The virus is already on two floors and 4 staff who have been rotating.
I’m not saying she’s gong to get it . I have no idea. But the protocols being given the Al have been weak and slow to progress. Not the facility’s fault probably.
I have tried to find a solution but there isn’t one. No way to take her out. Now that I know that for sure, I am just accepting whatever happens. But she’s not safer in there, not at all.
It is very challenging with elders who have little to no memory. One has to be with them and remind them pretty constantly and even then their memory for decades ago is much clearer than that there’s some virus and they have to be careful.
My mom sometimes remembers dad has died and sometimes asks where he is, though he died in Feb and we had the funeral about a month ago. It is a lot to process and we moved her out of her senior community when they banned visitors.
She’s been less confused now that she sleeps at my sister’s in the same bed every night. Fortunately, she hadn’t had to wear a mask as we have never allowed her to be in any setting where she is within 6 feet of another (except in family member’s car).
@compmom I apologize if it appeared I was implying that our elders are all safest in AL.
I think I was a little sensitive and reacting to comments I have read on CC and FB about “I would pull my parents out of any nursing home and put them in my house immediately!” Spoken by folks who may not understand the particulars of any one situation. If I had a physically compromised elder, or maybe one non- diabetic memory impaired parent, I would certainly rethink leaving them in place at their facility.
@surfcity no worries. I wasn’t offended at all. Just have had some worries about protocols and sounded like the situation you are dealing with might be a little better 
Hope your parents are doing okay.
I spent hours this weekend trying to find an airbnb or temp. apartment I could take my mother to, with no success. My brother sent me a long thoughtful message about why he does not want to take our mother into his house.
Today I interacted with some trusted administrators at the assisted living. I found out noone has taken parents out, absolutely noone. I was surprised. They are sanitizing, meals are in rooms now, and it is what it is.
The executive director’s mother was the first to die in the facility.
Trying to coach my mother is absurd but I continue if she calls before going out. Wear the mask, sanitize your hands, use your elbows. It’s pretty hopeless but I do it anyway.
Here’s hoping your family and all others on here do okay.
One of my BFFs dad has just been diagnosed at his memory care facility. He has been moved to an isolation room, but is on hospice ( dementia) so won’t be sent to hospital. It’s killing her that she can’t be there for what will in all likelihood, be the final days of his life. So close but still so far.
You all seem to be doing so well with this in terms of doing what you can for your elderly parents and I applaud you. Many times there are just no easy answers at the end of our parents’ lives for many of us and many parents just aren’t able to live at home because of the level of care they need, even in more normal times. People are living much longer , but often times with diminished quality of life.
My mother was at home with my sister until she died at 87, but it was only possible because of my sister and my many visits from out of state when more help was needed, sometimes weeks at a time. Exhausting, stressful, and sad, even in better times. My mother in law was in memory care for a few years until she died at 91. There was no way she could have come home to any of her children’s homes , no matter how much we all loved her and cared about her. You are doing the best you can, given these extraordinary circumstances. Do your best , take care of yourselves, and stay safe. All the best to those of you navigating these difficult waters.