I feel for everyone navigating already complex and poignant elder care issues during Covid. So hard all around. Wishing you peace and comfort as you do your best for your loved ones.
@psychmomma I think this was an isolated case with a certain individual (whom I had never met). On the positive side I have created an email support group of families (well, all daughters) for our AL facility and we are all there for each other. Our moms have all been at the AL for 5 years or more so we know each other from various events held over that time.
@runnersmom I was reading, once again, that one of the hardest things for hospital staff is witnessing deaths of people without family there. I am glad they are keeping your husband in the loop. That kind of communication must help them as well. Hope it continues to be peaceful, as it no doubt will.
Just a quick vent. My dad is constantly complaining about how lonely he is now that his snow bird friends finally went back up north. He’s down to two friends in his building and while they check on him, it’s not “the same.” We have the name of a family of CNAs from my mom’s facility who are absolutely lovely. They’ve offered countless times to do companion care for my dad if he needs it. The whole family thinks this is the perfect time for him to hire one of these women just to help with errands, driving, etc… Of course my dad won’t hear of it and says he wants to keep his total independence and doesn’t want to rely on anyone else. He’s missing how much he imposes on his friends and his sister to do things for him.
I now have family members calling telling me that I need to “make him” accept help. Dad has all his faculties. I can continue to suggest and encourage but that’s as far as I can go. Sigh… I have deja vu when my mom first needed help…
Thank you, my MIL died very early this morning. The doctor assured my H that it was peaceful and she was in no pain. We all agree that since the end was inevitable it was better that she not suffer any longer. In the end, only the one sister was able to see her and the family drama continues, unfortunately. There will likely be a small ( as many as are allowed at the cemetery in NJ) graveside service on Sunday - on top of everything else we are in the midst of a Jewish holiday and Shabbat so nothing will happen before then. The saddest thing here is that the family drama is preventing my H from processing this very sad end to his mother’s life.
@runnersmom My condolences. This is such a sad time to lose a loved one. I hope your H’s family can put their issues aside long enough to support each other through their loss.
@compmom I love that you have a support group among the families where your mom lives. What a great idea!
@runnersmom so sorry, especially to hear that grief is compounded by family tensions.
@momofsenior1 I once had a job as a companion to a woman who had a lot of pride. And to be honest I think she was sharper then me, even at 93! I wonder if your dad would agree to at least interview a couple of people.
I started off just taking the woman out for lunch. Her needs progressed as did the time I spent with her. Her acceptance of help grew organically with need. It was great that the companionship started at a time when need was less so that it was in place when she ran into more problems.
Hope he can be convinced to at least interview. That way maybe he can feel in control.
So this was the situation that we had with our friend that just passed. We and like 1 other person were the ones running his errands. Not an issue until there were always last minute things. He would call me to do the emission tests on his car since it’s due tomorrow . Get him Pepsi (had to have it). Do this, do that. Not a problem when we are out shopping and we would call him to see if there was anything he needed. Sit in the ER with him till he got into his room and so on.
We more or less told him we can’t keep doing this. He would call and demand things always last minute. He also had his faculties etc. So we helped interview people with him. Not his son that was 2 hours away.
First one was horrible. She lasted a day. The second one was wonderful and was with him for 2 years. He couldn’t believe how much she changed his life. She now ran the errands with and without him. He would still call us to run errands but then we said “you have x with you. Have her run the errand before coming to you and pay her for her time”. The money wasn’t the issue but he just never thought about it. This made everyone’s life so much easier. We still visited him several times a week. He loved getting back rubs from her ? and would tell anyone that would listen… Lol.
Maybe you can get someone to take him run errands or just do the errands first. Then stay to “straighten” up. Then just add more things each time they come kinda thing. Our friend was so resistant to the idea at first. We battled with him on it and later thanked us for helping to get his person for him.
@runnersmom. So sorry for your families loss. Hopefully the family can grieve together and let tensions rest. May her memory be a blessing and always remembered during this time of Shavuot.
@runnersmom - So sorry for your loss. I hope your DH can take some solace in her peaceful passing.
My mother died in mid-Feb and planning a Jewish funeral was stressful enough then. I can’t imagine planning one under our current circumstances and with difficult family members. Sending virtual hugs.
@runnersmom, I’m so sorry.
I gathered info about my parents’ option regarding the retirement facility Mom has been paying on. They gave her a credit for May and yesterday told me they could do two weeks free in June, but that’s it. My sister and I had a good phone call with Mom and Dad last night. We laid out the facts and told them it was their decision (thank goodness!). They could continue to pay $5,500 a month to reserve the particular wonderful unit, or bail with the understanding they will have to give a month or two of notice (meaning paying for that time). My dad was so appreciative that we brought up the subject and investigated the possibilities. He said he had been worrying about it but wasn’t sure what to do. They decided to bail. Beyond the safety issue, it wouldn’t be a great quality of life until restrictions are lifted. Family can have short visits with residents in a public room, but they have to be scheduled. Family can’t go to the residents’ apartments at this time.
So I guess we’re going to have to start the search for their new home from scratch at some point. Sigh. We think they need assisted living, but Dad is not going to be pleased at the choices - AL units just aren’t as nice as IL ones. I am relieved he has not brought up the idea of pursuing their original choice, where he was on the Board of Directors. It was ridiculously expensive (buy in cost was over $1 million, although the estate gets back 90% after the residents pass away). Still, $100,000 net as an entrance fee is crazy.
Dad also wants to discontinue his overnight aide. Part of the problem is that he stays up VERY late, like 1 am (he’s always been a night owl). He needs help getting to bed. So he will have to agree to go to bed at 11 pm. Then we will have a trial period where he is not allowed to ask for help from the aide for five nights, or all bets are off.
He is trying SO HARD to get better. It’s kind of heartbreaking. It’s like he’s taking it as a personal failure that he’s struggling. Frigging medical care last year. I really blame the hospital’s negligent treatment of him last May through December for most of his difficulties.
Now we learn that the cemetery can’t even be contacted before Sunday morning because of Shavuot so the funeral, such as it will be, is likely not to happen before Monday at the earliest. They are also limiting the number of services daily (understandably when we are being practical) because of Covid.
The two sisters who are causing the most grief would not even take my H’s calls at 1am when he called after taking the call from the hospital. They knew why he was calling and didn’t even have the decency to speak with him, only texting, “we know.” This is going to be a very long weekend and even longer process as my H is the executor of MIL’s significant and somewhat complicated estate.
I’m doing my best to keep him focused on what’s important right now while supporting my kids (all adults) who are understandably distraught. I had a very complicated and, to be honest, difficult relationship with her and even I am sad that she spent her last months and days alone, never seeing a person’s face without a mask and shield. I am grateful that we had a window visit with her in rehab two weeks ago so my H could speak with her and she could watch her 18-month-old great-grandson exhibit his new walking skills and she could receive the kiss he planted on the window.
I know countless families have and are going through this, trying to find comfort in such an untenable situation and my thoughts are with each and every one of you who have had to deal with a loved one passing, regardless of the reason, during these difficult times.
@runnersmom , I am so sorry for all of your family’s pain right now. You are being a great ally for your husband.
@momofsenior1 , oh, yes, the people who magically know how to “make” anyone do anything. My FIL was pretty obstinate about help. I let my SIL who won’t be agreeable unless she is in charge deal with it. I had ideas which were ignored, so I just decided to let her do what she would.
@runnersmom - sending condolences on your family’s loss. Sorry that tensions are exacerbating the challenges.
@runnersmom My condolences. I am so sorry for you and your family.
@runnersmom I’m so very very sorry! This is such a hard time to lose a family member. I’m especially for your husband to have drama instead of support from his sisters.
Thanks for the support around my dad. We have a lovely woman lined up who he adores, but refuses to believe he needs help. @Knowsstuff - his neighbors enable the behavior for sure but now his go to be people are up north so we’ll see what happens within in the next month. He may change his mind.
@runnersmom, I’m so sorry for your family’s loss, and that your SILs are taking out their anger and grief on your H.
May the good memories be a comfort and a blessing.
@runnersmom , my sincere condolences. I’m sorry that your husband’s siblings are making this more stressful.
Sending condolences as well. I am settling a simple estate with one heir and it sure takes time. I’m glad your husband can lean on you