@runnersmom sending sympathy. May you find the strength and patience to support your husband.
My MIL died in September, and between the family dynamics, the poor estate planning, and the mountains of junk in the family home, my husband has barely processed it all.
@runnersmom I’m so sorry. Always hard, harder with siblings fighting, harder still during the pandemic.
So sorry, runnersmom.
From something you said about memories of these last days, I wonder if you can actively convert to remembrances of better times. I do mean times when she was physically able and comfortable, not closed in her room, the family getting along. I’ve said I was slowly able to do this with my mother, consciously. It helped tremendously. In my heart, much was repaired.
Frankly, though my mother was an incredibly difficult person, even mean, worse each year as I got older, it was pretty quick. It took much longer to resolve with my grandmother. But in that way we often need, a closure in death, I can be closer to both now.
Best wishes.
Thank you everyone - this community is a source of support and wisdom. My kids are remembering good times with their grandmother and i think my H will be able to move in that direction once the funeral, such as it will be, is over. Our rabbi really thinks that H should agree to a zoom shiva, at least for a few days. He thinks it will help my H move into that better place.
I did Zoom shiva in March in MD after my brother’s funeral in GA. Our shul does daily minyan, which made it easier to make happen. After saying Kaddish for my mom, I knew it would help me deal with the grief and unresolved stuff.
Even if things are well planned and simplified, it can be incredibly stressful. I did the planning for my folks and everything was organized and pretty simple. Yet it took nearly a year to finish the nattery details after Dad died. Since my mother died, I’ve been surprised at the upheaval of resentful emotions when things arise that should not be that difficult (in other words, other people/institutions requirements, making it difficult on me when I thought I finally had her stuff dealt with causing me to be frustrated way out of proportion with the hassle.) There are a lot of emotions and paperwork to be addressed.
My sister and I are thankful that my dad has improved so much. He is capable of making decisions now!!! My parents’ house was taken off the market when he was so ill. It’s not back on yet, but yesterday he got a low offer from someone who had looked at it previously. It’s a good bit higher than before, but still really low. The tempting thing about the offer is that they said my parents can stay in the house as long as they need to. I think he should counteroffer, but my sister thinks it’s pointless. She feels that the Austin market is still so hot that my parents can do better than what they could counteroffer for. My fear is that with this crazy world, who knows what will happen in six months? If oil prices remain low, the Texas economy could crash as it did in the late '80s (that’s why DH and I had to move to Maine, because there were no jobs for structural engineers in Texas). But guess what, it doesn’t matter what Sister or I think, because Dad gets to decide. What a relief.
So sorry, @runnersmom 
@runnersmom I am sorry for your loss and sending support for you to support your husband, it is such a hard time made so much harder. I hope some sort of video service can help everyone.
We didn’t have phone or internet all day due to a road construction cut fiber line. So many people working from home, including our D. Cell service is spotty at best around our hilly town. Worst was that DH’s brother who has been lingering in Memory Care for 3 years fell and DH got the call since the nephew (living in the same town as his dad while we are 2000 miles away) never responded to their calls and also never visits his Dad. I was surprised at how much that stressed ME out. We didn’t visit earlier in the year and now I don’t think we will. Of course falling doesn’t mean the end is near. My mom was in a wheel chair because she forgot how to walk for almost a year! She had the strength, but not the coordination so they had alarms to catch her getting up from everything.
@MaineLonghorn scary about your parents giving up their place. When things go bad, it seems they go bad quickly . I am glad you aren’t having to make the choice about selling their place, I’d also try to get it snapped up.
Good news story though, to help maybe.
I have been settling Mom’s estate since even before it was an estate (when I got guardian/conservatorship). I sold 2 properties before she died. I now have sold 4 out of 6 (her small town never recovered from the 2008 recession). We took $100K less for her house than the original appraisal so it is a long slow haul. But she had one office building (bought for $300K in 2004) tried to sell it for $250K after extensive repairs from a roof replacement that went bad totalling $152K. … some insurance payout, but the building was all brand NEW inside. We were going to auction it off after dropping the price several times and having it on the market over a year. But the realtor came up with a low ball offer that had lots of inspection contingencies, which the building passed, but the guy then tried to reduce the offer saying that the furnace was nearing end of its life expectancy. And so he backed out siting Covid blah blah blah. But THEN! the wheelchair nonprofit that had been renting the building forever, that I had tried to get to buy the place got a stimulus loan and made an offer $7000 more than the flakey guy! Of course we took it and are paying closing costs (not usual in that state). But … alls well that ends well.
Now still have the farm we grew up on, can’t even give that one away because it has a lot of potential… well, I can and WILL give it away to the beneficiaries this year and I’ll be done. It is up for auction in July (second try) so if there are no offers this time, then I have to figure out a way to tap out. I promised my DH I’d be done LAST year.
Hi, my first post here in this thread.
I’m having a very difficult time now also. My mother just passed away two weeks ago in a nursing home in Oklahoma. She was placed there by my sisters eight months ago after she suffered a serious stroke. She also had moderate dementia but had been living fairly independently up until then.
I visited in October when she was placed in the nursing home and had very serious reservations about the quality of the care. It was really a horrible sad and incompetent place. I tried to discuss this with my two sisters who live in the same town, but they treated me like an outsider who had no say in the matter. We had an awful falling out eventually after I told them I was considering bringing her home with me to Virginia to care for her in my home as we had better Medicaid services here and I might be able to get some in home health care to assist me. I spent hours on the phone while I was there trying to find out what was possible, but whenever I asked my sisters a question about my mother’s past care or care providers etc, they stonewalled me (in a passive aggressive manner) and eventually just stopped responding to me. When it was time for me to leave (a Solo three day drive), I finally got the oldest on the phone and had a list of issues I wanted to discuss. The first issue was Simply to request that they give me updates on her condition. Apparently that was too much to ask because she hung up on me.
I haven’t had any contact with either of them since then. My BIL called me to tell me she was not doing well and then he was the one who called when she passed. Apparently they were allowing family members to visit at the end. I made the decision not to travel there as my husband and I are both 60ish, and I have some health problems including two leaky heart valves and a history of heart arrhythmias. We have two college aged daughters, one just 18. And also, I am extremely angry at my family for how they treated me and how they deprived my mother of the opportunity to be cared for in my home instead of dying alone and isolated in a horrible nursing home. I did not want to see any of them.
I don’t know if I made the right decision or not. I am grieving terribly and feel so much guilt for not being there. We will be having a small family service for her here that I think will be very lovely and I think she would have liked it. It doesn’t erase the guilt of not being there for her last days though.
Living and dying in the time of coronavirus sucks.
@LeastComplicated, I’m very sorry about your multiple losses. Take care.
@LeastComplicated I’m very sorry for your loss, and that your sisters are being so terrible. You sound like a loving daughter.
I suspect that, had you gone, you would have had numerous unpleasant interactions with your sisters, and who knows what stunts they may have pulled to prevent you from having quality time with your mother? FWIW, I think you made the right decision, especially considering your health issues. I’m guessing your mother would have wanted you to take care of yourself. If there is an afterlife, your mother is likely well aware of why you weren’t there. She is now at peace. Sending thoughts for you to find peace as well.
@LeastComplicated I feel so bad for you. There’s nothing I can say to make things easier but I will offer my experience that post-stroke my mom is not herself. I am very happy with the care she is getting but it is still difficult to see her (well, I can’t literally see her these days…)
I guess what I’m saying is the end months can be bad in so many ways. Try to let regrets roll off your back.
The situation with your sisters is awful though and definitely will be hard to process. I guess in some ways I’m lucky to be an only child
@LeastComplicated. I’m so very sorry! I hope you find comfort from your memories and the good times.
@LeastComplicated - I’m so sorry for your loss. Try not to beat yourself up over not being there at the end, altho that’s easier said than done. This virus has caused us all to make decisions we might not have made otherwise. You were a good daughter who had your mother’s best interests at heart.
Thank you so much everyone. I very much needed an outlet for for my feelings.
We’ll be having my mom’s service next Sunday. Hopefully I’ll feel better afterwards.
@LeastComplicated what a sad situation. I’m so sorry.
@LeastComplicated I’m very sorry for your loss.
Family dynamics are so complicated and involve lifelong underlying issues between sibling when dealing with the care of an elderly (especially with dementia) parent. As someone who has cared for a parent with dementia in my home for 7 years, the last 4 of which have been extremely difficult, I would ask you to cut yourself some slack on the notion that you should have done anything differently. I hope you have a nice service and that it brings you a sense of comfort and peace.
@LeastComplicated. So sorry. Family’s sometimes suck. Sorry to be so bold.
@LeastComplicated, I’m sorry for your loss and for all the family drama. Trust me, I know.