<p>With many admission decision letters being mailed during this time, the college-selection and admission processes are now coming to an end. Many of you parents have devoted countless hours (perhaps even years) to the whole college process.</p>
<p>In retrospect, are there any things you would do differently, regret doing, etc. What would you do differently if you had to do it all over again?</p>
<p>I am particularly interested in knowing whether there is anyone willing to admit that you were overly involved in the process, pushed for YOUR college choices, focused too much on the "elite" colleges, put too much pressure on your adolescent, etc.</p>
<p>In my 30 years as a college counselor, I saw these types of things happen on a regular basis. Those parents I admired most were the ones who admitted it, and did a much better job with their second or third child going through the process.</p>
<p>It takes a big person to admit their mistakes, but by doing so, maybe parents on CC who have younger children can learn from your mistakes. If your words of wisdom can prevent even one adolescent from falling victim to depression, eating disorders, perfectionism, etc. because of parental mistakes in the college process, then it's all worth it.</p>
<p>I'm more interested in knowing why you keep starting these kinds of threads? What is your point? I don't buy your supposed "background for a minute" and I wish you had something to do with your time than try to get parents to admit to being elitist and over-involved.</p>
<p>My impression is that this gentleman put in many years and saw kids flattened by the system. I think he's all about helping students.</p>
<p>The source of pressure IS the parents. Kids do NOT announce at age 12 out of the blue that they want an Ivy; they probably think it's an ice cream flavor.
Kids don't buy name-college sweatshirts for themselves at age 18 months, either.</p>
<p>Anyway, it seems honest to me to admit that parents are the ones who have their emotional tentacles into their kids long before a GC ever meets or influences.</p>
<p>So, I think it's a fair thread. If it's not to your pleasure, there are others to read. Just my 2 centavos.</p>
<p>That said, there is fair reason to compliment parents, too. Some of us are filling in the gap between the careful guidance afforded kids at prep schools versus kids at public schools in troubled neighborhoods, etc. Parental attention sometimes is needed in situations where public GC's spend their energy bailing out students (and I mean bail out from jail, not from C's or the sports coach...) so the better students who are "no trouble" get mechanical guidance towards an easy-fit college, rather than trying to organize themselves for some reaching.
Parents who research, stimulate, cajole sometimes are dealing with kids who have potential but aren't in a supportive atmosphere.
So it's not only a negative thing, all this "hovering" if it levels the playing field between public and private prep schooling, IMHO.</p>
<p>Mostly, the pressure came from my peers, not my parents - I found myself continually frustrated by my parents' complete lack of interest in the process. They were still stuck in the "apply to one college only" mode of their youth ;).</p>
<p>Hah! Mistakes. We make mistakes? Since when?! ;-)</p>
<p>First Child; I actually don't believe I made any mistakes. And I wasn't involved. He did it on his own, got into an excellent UC by doing his research and knowing how his talent would get him into a school that was very difficult to enter. (The school that, or so I've heard, had the most applicants this year.)</p>
<p>Second Child; Knew kiddo was doing well. Knew child had great grades and extra activities. Much stronger applicant than Kiddo #1. I was confident. Child didn't get into any of the top choices, was devastated, and is now graduating from a university that child has now told us was just great. Wish I hadn't been so confident. Wish I hadn't been as involved.</p>
<p>Third Child; Hasn't worked terribly hard. Is into one college that will be just fine, as well as three other CSU's that will do. I'm fretting, waiting out a few more schools, but trying not to show it. I refuse to be a helicopter parent ever again.</p>
<p>No more kids. Whew. If we did have any I'd just be hands off. Period. I'm tired of worrying, fretting, and reading about how anxious everyone else is. Go figure.</p>
<p>My biggest mistake was not explaining deadlines and other people clearly to my son. When you ask for a letter of rec, give a false deadline weeks before the real one. I think that mistake cost three interviews to med schools because one professor mailed on the real deadline. All three schools pulled him out of the hunt for 'incomplete" requirements.</p>
<p>I failed to clearly explain that when it doesn't directly benefit someone to do you a favor, most will put it off till near deadline. So make a fake deadline.</p>
<p>The biggest mistake and the easiest to admit: trusting counselors who believe a lengthy career might be a reasonable substitute for timely knowledge. </p>
<p>Given the boatload of horrible advice "offered" by geriatric counselors, it is obvious that college admissions and college preparation in 2007 are very different from the golden years when being a BWRK was all it took. </p>
<p>Parents are indeed more involved than ever, and praise God they are able to help overcoming the weaknesses of the system.</p>
<p>Yea, next time I won't do squat. I won't even talk college at home. AP? Shmaypee! A little social experiment. One that'll save me a lot of money... </p>
<p>PS mathmom, I am a very gullible, literal-minded person: did he really get into Harvard...?</p>
<p>MWC: My background is what it is. I can't change your way of thinking on that. I don't understand why you would question what I say.</p>
<p>During my 30 years as a college counselor, I sat with way too many students who had fallen victim to depression, low self-esteem, anxiety attacks, eating disorders, poor family relationships, etc. as a result of how their parents handled the whole college thing. Many of their parents pushed way too hard. Fortunately, it was a small percentage of students in this situation, but way too many, nevertheless.</p>
<p>When I came on CC in February, it was very disturbing for me to see the
one-sidedness of the conversations taking place on the various threads. Virtually every thread touted the virtues of the "elite" and the "Ivies." If students and parents spend hours and days and weeks and years viewing these types of threads, what is said on CC becomes their reality. Such thinking can become a prescription for disaster as far as a student's physical and mental health is concerned. So, yes, I try to bring a different perspective to CC, in hopes of helping students and parents.</p>
<p>So, when I ask if parents will step forward and describe what they've done wrong in the college process, it's because I hope that future college-bound students and their parents will benefit from it. If I prevent even one student from falling victim to depression, low self-esteem, eating disorders, etc, then my post has been worthwhile.</p>
<p>I don't think I did anything wrong with S1. He was a great student who planned out what he wanted to do which included going to a State U. that he knew he could get into. He is there now on a full schoalrship and very happy.</p>
<p>I fear I am going wrong with S2 (a jr.) but don't know how to stop myself. He's completely different from S1. He's a very average student who does not have a great affinity for academia and never has since kindergarten. He has no idea what he wants to do after high school. He is really averse to even discussing it because he says he doesn't know.<br>
So I find myself ping-ponging between the "oh, you're smart enough, you can do college if you put some effort into it" pep talk and the "look at some of the great programs our Community College offers" pragmatic thinking talk. I can't tell if he's paying attention to any of it which tells me I must be going about it the wrong way.</p>
<p>I didn't put pressure on my kids to apply to elite schools.</p>
<p>Kid #1, who would rather have done almost anything other than schoolwork when he was in high school, wanted to go to the state university. He applied. He got in. He's there now. No problem. He could have applied to more selective schools, but he chose not to. That's OK.</p>
<p>Kid #2, who is in an elite high school magnet program, was a bit dismayed when last year's class at her school didn't do so well in the college admissions lottery. She decided to up her chances by applying ED to a college where she is a legacy. The college is well suited for her needs and preferences. She applied. She got in. She will go there in the fall. No problem. She could have applied to more selective schools, but she chose not to. That's OK.</p>
<p>I don't think this discussion forum is in any way representative of most students or parents. This forum represents, for the most part, the tippy top students and those parents who are extremely involved in the college process (including myself, and my kids "only" want to go to public universities!). When I look around at all my friends, I see people from all different walks of life- people who have graduated from prestigious colleges, publics, CCs, and none at all. Among the families I know (and since my kids go to a private school, most of the families are very successful, educated, and well off), the level and place of education seems to have little to do with wealth, economic or political success, power, or HAPPINESS. Recognizing that, I'm not really sorry for anything I've done for or to my children. There have been times, however, that I've regretted ever seeing this web site!!!!!</p>
<p>old but wise, you seem to be looking for some pretty serious mistakes, since the consequences you're concerned about are dire: depression, eating disorders, low self-esteem, etc. Might I invite you to come clean first? If you've got children, how did you go wrong in their college searches? If you haven't, how did you err in advising your students?</p>
<p>I think you're giving CC way too much credit when you write this:
[quote]
If students and parents spend hours and days and weeks and years viewing these types of threads, what is said on CC becomes their reality.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Do you really expect any parent to post "I caused my daughter's bulimia because I pushed her too hard to get into an Ivy League school?" I'd be surprised to see it.</p>
<p>old but wise, I would be interested in hearing YOUR mistakes as a counselor. </p>
<p>We had a problem with a counselor discouraging our D from applying to an ivy (telling her she was looking out of her league and should be more realistic). It took a lot of work with D during her senior high school year to overcome her insecurity instilled in her from the insensitivity of a counselor. We finally had to tell her that yes, it was a reach for her, but if she didn't apply she had a 100% chance of not being accepted because the ivies weren't going to come looking for her. We also told her to not ever let someone tell her she shouldn't reach for something...not a counselor, not a parent, not a friend. She did apply to that ivy (that was the only ivy she applied to) and after receiving rejections from a few schools, she was accepted to that ivy. Though her high school education was wonderful, her counselor should have retired long ago because she had lost her vision of the reason she was supposed to be there. Her high school has since loved to include our D's admission in their stats (since she was the only student to be accepted to that particular ivy) but we know it wasn't because of the counseling department.</p>
<p>Since you seem to be looking for the parents' mistakes in the college process, I'd be interested to hear yours as a counselor.</p>
<p>Sorry to disappoint you, but I feel as if the process went exceptionally well. Due to a supportive school college counselor, the wonderful access to information on this site, and a number of college visits, I was able to help my son find a range of schools that were good fits. He was the decision-maker about where he ultimately applied, and with excellent results.</p>
<p>I think we took the opposite approach from what most people probably think we did. We initially wanted our older son to look at schools that were closer to safeties than matches. We had a few tussles about this -- I finally realized that he took our cautionary stance as a lack of confidence in him. I was also really focused on finding the right balance between merit aid and selectivity.</p>
<p>In the end, we let him apply to the elite colleges that interested him as long as he also had quite a few safety/matches, and found a way to make it work financially. I don't have any regrets, but I wish the financial side was easier. </p>
<p>For S2, currently a junior, we downplay the importance of where he eventually goes to college. I have every reason to believe he SHOULD get into similar schools to S1, but given the vagaries of college admissions I choose to play it safe. Our spring trip to look at colleges will focus on safety/match schools. My experience is that it doesn't take a lot of effort to fall in love with reaches, so we like to start with less selective schools where we think he'd have a wonderful experience.</p>
<p>I actually think the only mistake we made was in not being wealthy enough to remove financial limitations. But there's nothing we can do about that now!</p>