<p>Geez. You need to move out for so many reasons. First, to start to feel like a kid again. Hang out with kids your own age. Talk about kid things.</p>
<p>You also really need to move out to get away from all the baggage your dad is throwing at you. His marriage should not disintegrate because his daughter left. Why would he give you that heavy burden? How unfair is that!</p>
<p>Finally, your time as housekeeper is all used up. It’s your brother’s and your father’s turn now. They can start taking charge, buying groceries, making the beds, fixing dinner.</p>
<p>Sounds like you know what you want…you just need to figure out how to get there. Don’t be afraid of not having his ‘blessing.’ I sincerely doubt that means he will stop loving you or disown you if you choose to dorm against his wishes. He is thinking of himself right now but you are not responsible for his happiness…this is YOUR life. Be strong and don’t allow guilt to determine your decision to settle for what HE wants.</p>
<p>Do this ASAP: Talk to your guidance counselor about your dilemma and desire to live on campus. Ask him/her what your options are for financing your own education including room and board. The scholarships you receive may take a big chunk out of the tuition he was willing to cover.</p>
<p>Once you know your options, sit down with your dad and explain to him that you plan to go away to school and live on campus. Share with him that you are willing to do it without his help if you have to, but would appreciate it if he could find a way to be supportive. You have to stick to your guns here. If you stay home to make everyone else happy it will surely be a strain on your emotional, social and academic well-being. He may not change his mind now, but once he sees you are serious and move ahead with your plan, I believe he will come around. Good luck to you and let us know how things work out. Best of luck!</p>
<p>Agree with Wis, it’s important that you get out of that toxic situation and this is one case where borrowing the money to live in a dorm is more than justified since it’s not all about the ‘college experience.’</p>
<p>I think you are wasting your time and possible source of funding if you continue to push your dad regarding funding the dorm. He’s not being reasonable or rational regarding his expectations of you. Continuing to push him could make him become even less so.</p>
<p>Many 3+ decades ago, I was in a similar situation. My parents could easily afford college tuition and room/board costs, but mom insisted that I live at home and attend a 3rd-tier local college “because that was good enough for other kids”. (They refused to submit financial aid paperwork too.) Mom “didn’t want to spend money on a girl”, her exact words; my dad just didn’t want to override her. I also had some extraordinary household obligations which they insisted that I continue fulfill. I had excellent grades, acceptances to two prestigous universities, and a quiet, obedient “good daughter” - with a narcissistic non-maternal mom. I regret their decision even now. College choices do affect you. I wish I had enlisted some teachers, or some of my parents’ friends, to talk sense into them. My parents refused to do any self-sacrifice that would benefit me, and that self-centered pattern continues today.</p>
<p>Try to enlist help from HS teachers, parents’ friends, college admissions staff, etc. Go to your college and explain situation, perhaps they can patch together some additional financial aid. Your dad shouldn’t rely upon you to serve as wife/mother to your household, but you likely need help to prove your point. Best wishes.</p>
<p>An acquaintance of mine lost her 20 yr old son to suicide. He had attempted suicide previously and was being treated for depression but they found a very nurturing college and felt he was recovered enough to be away from them. </p>
<p>Perhaps your dad is just worried about your history? Or were you exaggerating about being depressed/suicidal?</p>
<p>Like everyone else who has commented, I am not favorably impressed by how your father has dealt with this. But there is a possibility I don’t think anyone has mentioned yet. It could be that your parents’ separation/divorce, in combination with the effects of the recession or not, is putting them under a lot of financial stress. There are lots of families in America living in nice houses they can’t really afford, or in many cases shouldn’t be putting their money into! Even though you have grown up in pretty affluent circumstances, paying for a dorm room could be a big deal to your parents.</p>
<p>That’s precisely the sort of thing that lots of fathers would have a hard time discussing frankly with their daughters. And a situation in which a mother might be willing to sit back and let her soon-to-be-ex-husband be the bad guy, while secretly feeling relieved about the position he is taking. The issue may not be whether your presence is keeping the marriage together, but whether your presence is keeping your father and brothers in their house. (I don’t mean your unpaid labor. I mean the money that would go for your room and board at college.)</p>
<p>You ought to keep your ears and mind open to those possibilities. I am not sure I know what you should do if this speculation proves to be something like true, but in that case nothing is going to get resolved unless everyone addresses the real economic problems.</p>
<p>Well, if your mother is going to divorce your father, can you ask her to try and get whatever college funding your father has promised in writing as part of the divorce decree? I wouldn’t bring it up right now, but later it might be important. Same for your younger siblings.
Good luck. You are not responsible for your family being together or not being together. You may need to deal with the financial realities of the divorce, but the family is not your responsibility.</p>
<p>If your father is willing to pay for tuition “and whatever else” then you can try to cover costs of the dorm yourself, possibly with mom’s help and/or small loans. A part time job on campus, plus working full time in the summer, will also go a long way toward paying your dorm costs. </p>
<p>Good luck. And like other parents, I urge you to try to leave home and this very difficult situation. You need some space & time to focus on yourself, not your parents’ issues.</p>
<p>How about becoming really interested (really quickly) in schools too far from home to make commuting feasible?</p>
<p>Then you could make a negotiation–I will go to the closer school, and come home 2x week, in exchange for giving up my new dream school that is far enough away that I cannot come home at all. But either way, I need to dorm.</p>
<p>Then see how the 2x a week home works out…(cross that bridge when you come to it.)</p>
Well, in another post you stated that only your dad went to college. </p>
<p>If your dad will only pay for college if you stay at home, then is applying to Occidental ED out of the question now, since students are required to live on campus? </p>
<p>I feel badly for you. Like others have mentioned, there is something seriously out of whack in your household.</p>
<p>The catch here is that the competence you’ve shown in doing the necessary housework is putting you deeper into a pigeonhole, the one where no one can handle these chores as well as you can. You have to fight against that, starting now! </p>
<p>Offer to help your brothers and dad with their laundry every two weeks or so until they get the idea (this shouldn’t take more than month or so.) Don’t overdo the help - you only work if they are working at the same time. And don’t emphasize the fine points until they learn the basics. The same goes for the dishes - everyone eats, so everyone cleans up. No exceptions. Start with the small tasks and work your way up. They need to learn these things, so you are only doing them a favor. Otherwise, you are going to come home from college, whether it’s daily or on weekends, and find an enormous pile of housework waiting for you. Because it’s “your job,” don’t you know? :(</p>
<p>@CTTC Yes, I know. My mom has just a JC and she went to voc. ed school I believe. I am no longer applying to Oxy ED, but I’m still applying RD. It is not out of the question; it’s just that I don’t think my parents realize it’s mandatory to live on campus.</p>
<p>@ShanghaiMom I highly doubt that my dad is not letting me leave because I was once depressed/suicidal. And no, I am not exaggerating it. I was forced to see a therapist who confirmed my depression and anxieties. I would rather not go into detail, but there is a history of domestic violence and child abuse in my family, but that all happened a while ago, and since we have gotten treatment for it. My family is fine for the most part right now, it’s just my parent’s relationship that is so turbulent.</p>
<p>Once again, thank you all for your advice. I am doing just fine, all I have is a load of stress! I plan on getting whatever financial aid I can (mom, job, grants, scholarships) to dorm.</p>
<p>It is sometimes possible to live in the college community but not in the dorms and to have the situation pay for itself. The most common sort of arrangement involves living with a family and performing a certain number of hours of childcare or housework each week in exchange for a room (and perhaps, some meals). A less common arrangement involves becoming a volunteer firefighter or paramedic and living for free at the fire station. </p>
<p>Once you are accepted at some colleges, you could inquire about whether either of these options might be available to you. They’re not as good as living in a dorm, in terms of meeting other people and having the typical college experience, but they’re better than living in a troubled household and commuting for two hours a day.</p>