@WayOutWestMom Do you have any anecdotes about that “polite rejection?” Or maybe a link to some stories about those kinds of rejections i.e. ones that are the result of they family’s idea? I would like to know how common this is.
@Groundwork2022 Are there any templates or sources I could use to formulate a hypothetical document of expenses to show to my dad? I’ve watched a few Cracked videos and even from them can understand the crippling potential of debt and the ever-increasing mountain of expenses.
And for the rest of the thread, another question: My theory is that since my dad is constantly working, he’s building a ton of stress over the day. This buildup makes him dangerously unpredictable at times and he can blow up over seemingly insignificant details.
Do you find yourselves to be dangerously unpredictable in retrospect with regards to coming home after a hard day?
You can major in anything and go to medical school. Your father needs to understand this.
Medicine is hardly the only route to a good work life, financial stability, or prestige. Your father needs to understand this. (May be cultural baggage.)
Authoritarian parenting based on fear is not effective and can result in damaging relationships.
You are beginning to see your father as human (not "a god’). If this transition to maturity is difficult for you, seek counseling.
I strongly advise that you find someone to talk to- school psychologist, counselor, someone you trust. This is not just about what you major in or what your career might be. It is about your relationship with your father. You are getting older and the old model, which was authoritarian, will not work. If your father does not adjust his parenting to reflect your development, there will be conflict. And if your father is volatile and stressed, even more so. You need support.
Volatile people are not because of the hours they work but their personality or their untreated mental disorder. You can try to reason but if they are closed minded it will not help. Sometimes its best to let them think what they want while you do what you want especially when you are in high school and a dependent. Med school is years away so I would not pound that issue but rather focus on gaining admission to college. One battle at a time.
Would this student be able to resist signing a FERPA release ? It would be better if the father didn’t see any academic information. I have a feeling that scubadive’s wise idea about detaching and fighting the med school battle later may not be possible with a controlling parent.
So I just came back from a study session with my dad. And this scene is where his high expectations come back to haunt both of us.
We were studying biology (which I was mainly doing to appease him, FYI) and were just getting into biochemistry when we hit a brick wall. Progress was smooth until we got to moles and I couldn’t remember that a mole is the same thing as molecular weight. He was boiling at how much I was panicking at his on-the-spot questions and started questioning his worth as a father.
My theory is that is his ever-increasing expectations are getting to him. And this constant struggle to meet those expectations (like meeting my grades) has put me in a continuous state of fear. He really is dangerously unpredictable and this is far from the only incident this has occurred. I don’t want to keep studying with him like this anymore but I don’t know who else to turn to.
Levelheaded parents of CC, what say you about all this?
How old are you OP? Why are you studying with your dad? With the relationship you have described,if you need help with a subject go to a tutor, use Khan academy, study with friends who are getting it, etc… Having your dad “help” sounds like a lose-lose to me.
If he’s reluctant to step aside in this role I would say something like “Dad, I value our relationship and want it to be positive. Working together on school work is just too stressful for both of us.” And then lay out your specific plan to get help elsewhere.
We stopped helping my daughter with any kind of homework/studying in middle school. The most we did was quiz her to prep for tests IF SHE ASKED.
Yes, no respectable American teen will accept tutoring from their parents. Maybe proofreading homework or looking over math problems - maybe. It’s time to tell Dad this is not working and, in order to preserve your relationship, you want to go with a less emotionally invested outside tutor. I’m assuming affordability isn’t an issue since Dad has med school in the picture, but if money is an issue, you can get help at school.
FWIW, DH’s extended family is of the “med school or bust” mentality. You were looked down on for not becoming a doctor and/or marrying one. Well, the non doctors are just as happy, and in many cases doing just as well financially as the MDs. There has been some serious mental health issues on the MD side that the non-MDs, several of whom own their own businesses, have largely avoided.
Oh and when you do your cost out as suggested above…you should include about $400,000 for medical school costs because you will have tuition, fees, BOOKS, housing, living expenses, TESTS TESTS TESTS (and none are free and many will involve travel to a test site), travel expenses for things like away rotations and interviews, clothing, suitable shoes.
And there is precious little financial aid for medical school except loans, loans, and more loans.
@thumper1 Because I have Gen Ed classes coming up? Why else?
@momofsenior1 I’m going to be 19 in September. How exactly did your daughter make it in middle school without you? How would you know if she failed an exam? I couldn’t imagine how I’d get around middle school if my parents weren’t around to check on my grades practically every day. Did you send her off to summer camp too? I never went, so I wouldn’t know what it was like.
@Groundwork2022 I truly sincerely do not mean to say this out of malice, but do you think I haven’t tried that? Every time I do, he asks who else could I possibly have to turn to? My mother? She can’t even recall how to take he derivative of a polynomial expression, yet she’s a sonographer.
Do I just have a sheltered upbringing? Is this why I continuously yearn and beg to be freed from their chains? I agreed to come home for the weekends but I really don’t want to because I want to escape their drama. I wanted to go to a different school out of the city, but they insisted on having me stay to keep an eye on me.
There is so much wrong here that I just have to jump in.
It is not normal for a parent to be helping a kid with homework past middle school. Most kids do their homework on their own. They learn from their teachers, or textbooks, or the internet, or tutors. They do not learn from their parents. Most kids do not have a parent who recalls how to take the derivative of a polynomial expression. Parents are not responsible for teaching those things to their kids.
You are studying because you have Gen Ed classes coming up? That makes no sense. You don’t study for classes ahead of time. How do you even know what to study?
Most parents do not check grades daily. You can’t even do that in our school system. I get a grade report 8 times a year - at the mid point and at the end of each quarter. And yes, in between, I have no way of knowing if my kid has failed a test if he doesn’t tell me. Most of the time he doesn’t even tell me if he has a test.
Are you planning to live at home when you are in college? I hope not. I hope they let you move to campus where you will learn to do your own work and study on your own. Your father’s method of teaching is not preparing you well for adulthood or medical school.
Doesn’t your college have a tutoring office? Walk-in or by appointment? If you are having trouble, make a study group or go see the professor or TA during office hours. This is how most successful college students study and get past challenges…
@me29034 If that’s considered abnormal, someone should really tell my mother as well, as she’s looking over my little brother’s high school work while my dad looks over me.
And if most parents do not check grades daily, they either operate on a different gradebook system or don’t check as regularly. Mine do. That’s why they (and by extension myself) place such a greater focus on grades than presumably most high schoolers.
I’ll be living in the dorms for weekdays and coming home on weekends, or that’s the plan we set up anyways.
OP - You guys need to cut the strings! I checked grades roughly once/week when my daughter was younger but honestly I didn’t need to. She would tell me her test scores good or bad as she got them. If a test was subpar she would tell me what she was doing about it. Sometimes it was silly mistakes, sometimes she didn’t grasp a concept sufficiently and would go in for tutoring and figure it out. My daughter graduated HS with an unweighted 4.0. She was 100% self motivated to do well and didn’t me looking over her shoulder. She was plenty focused on her work without me micromanaging her homework and test scores.
Why are you planning on coming home on weekends? Part of the point of college is to gradually ease into adulthood. That’s not going to happen until you are more self sufficient.
Wait… your father is checking your COLLEGE homework?
Whew. I feel bad for you. There is nothing wrong with getting your worked checked (it is, after all, a sign of maturity to admit one can make mistakes), but at this point (well before this point, actually) it should only be happening if and when YOU feel it needs to be checked and by someone of YOUR choosing. You aren’t doing anything wrong, but you’re in a precarious position, bought and paid for by your father.
If this man is demanding both his sons become doctors and is expecting to pay for TWO medical school educations, no wonder he is a basket case. While it isn’t unheard of, it is very unusual - and it really helps if both kids actually WANT to be doctors.
As a parent, my job - the job of all parents - is to help my child plant roots and grow wings. Your father is preventing you from growing wings.
For your little brothers sake as well as yours, perhaps it’s time you show Dad this thread. Print it out, unedited, and leave it for him to read. Keep telling him you want your wings. Over and over until you get them. Good luck to you.
There is healthy monitoring and unhealthy monitoring. Keeping a regular eye on the kido’s grades and homework is fine. Looking at grades everyday and doing homework with kido is not.
Time to grow up and put on the big boy pants. Go to college. DO NOT come home on the weekends. Go to a party, Streak thru the quad. Work hard and see where it takes you. Good luck.
When my older kiddo was in third grade, the teacher told us not to help with homework anymore. She said…homework done by the parents was not anything she wanted or needed in terms of knowing what the KID could do…and needed help with.
So…we stopped. All we did was check to see if the homework was done. Not check for accuracy…just completed.
Does your dad plan to go to medical school with you? Does he plan to “help you” with homework and your exams there? If so, let him know…he won’t be able to do so.
At this point in your education, YOU, the student, should be solely responsible for getting your work done. Period.
Frankly, your parent is doing a huge disservice to you by “helping” this much.