What do you wish you knew (wish to know) before your student went (goes) off to College? What “how to’s” would’ve been (would be) helpful? How do you best connect with you College student without being “helicoptery?”
Your* sorry for the spelling error
I wish I had known he was going to choose the military. We probably wouldn’t have allowed him to go to boarding school for high school. I know I would have held him closer longer.
We connect best when we allow him to be in charge of contact even if that means no communication for weeks (same as high school). When he does call, it’s usually a meaningful conversation.
That is different for each family and sometimes each kid. I like to hear my kids’ voice at least once a week and I let them know that before they left for college. So we would generally speak on weekends (we would text to find a mutually convenient time – often Sunday night). If they wanted to get in touch during the week they generally chose to do it via text. Both knew I’d be available if they needed.
I always tried to remember how I felt when I went off to college and I knew that, although I’d love to speak every night and it is easy to do so in this cellphone world, I had to step back and give them space.
ChoatieMom and happy1 thank you both for sharing. I’m sure it was hard having your child join the military. And happy1 that is a very good approach, I think I would be happy even if I got a call once a month, but like ChoatiMom I allow my student to be in charge of contact so I respect the space. Just wish I would get more check-in calls.
Amen.
We do a FaceTime call with our college freshman about twice a month (usually at her suggestion) and usually have a few quick text exchanges in between. She’s always happy to receive photos or videos of the cats.
^a large portion of my texting with my two kids is pictures (and videos) of our three cats. They usually send an appreciative emoji in reply.
We have sons so, that’s our filter.
I agree with donnaleighg. A cute pet picture from home gets the fastest response when you just want proof of life communication.
We keep phone calls to the point unless the kid is chatty. We get more calls that way.
It doesn’t matter if your kid had near perfect SAT and ACT math scores along with a 5 on the BC Calc exam. Second semester engineering calculus is a beast to do well in! Find a tutor BEFORE the semester starts.
Depends on the kid, of course. My DD is a sophomore in college and checks in often. That’s just her nature. She loves to tell me about good grades or just call to say hi when she’s walking back from the library.
My DS is a current senior and I do NOT expect him to contact me anywhere near as much. I do expect a proof of life contact once / week. And, a dog photo will definitely get a response, if necessary. I’m fearful that I’ll lose touch with him more than I’d like… but I’ll get over it.
How tos? I should have restricted the amount of “stuff” I allowed her to take. She has SOOOOO much and it made move out and move in (2nd year) a challenge. Too much clothing, shoes, etc. I read lots of posts on CC about taking less, but I didn’t press hard enough. I should have.
Again, I don’t think this will be a problem for my DS. He’s already told me he just needs 2 pairs of jeans and a few shirts. I’m going to have to encourage him to bring more.
I saw that someone made a cardboard stand-up image of the family’s pet for the student to take away. I thought: Great idea!!
Let them handle things on the school end from the get go, with the clear message that they can come to you if they have problems that need your input. Don’t start out with a log in to their school account so you can check grades, see if they’ve paid their bills, etc. They CAN do it and most of their friends will be in the same boat. They all learn together.
Set financial expectations up front. What you will pay for and how much, what you won’t pay for. Make sure they understand their meal plan and keep track of their balance. Know quite a few kids burned by that.
Agree with others to let them initiate most contact, especially phone calls. I do text stuff fairly regularly, mostly things I think he’d like to know or be entertained by. I limit the number of questions that require answers to things that I really need info on. And if I don’t get a response and need it, I let him know to get back to me - but use that very rarely.
And don’t be surprised if your typically 4.0+ student does well to get a 3.0 many semesters, especially in STEM fields. It’s a different game, I can’t tell you how many tests he has said the average grade was in the 40’s. Quite a shock for many students and parents!
I speak to my D often via text. The best phone conversations are the ones she initiates. I think if they call, it means they actually have something to say. The other day she called and talked for almost an hour. I had to be the one to end the call.
@ATutt74 it sounds as though you’d like to hear just a little more often. I let my daughter take the lead when we talk as she’s pretty busy, but if it’s been awhile, I send a text and ask how she’s doing or how classes are, etc. I keep it positive and focused on her college life. I think when they are away they are absorbed in their day to day which is probably as it should be…even a quick text can help though! Hugs if needed!!
We live on the other side of the planet from my daughter’s school. She texts with me everyday. She says it helps her manage any homesickness and the realization that she can’t come to visit often or easily (30+ hours of grueling overseas travel). We Skype video about once per month,and that is really great. It all kind of evolved over time.
With our sophomore son I told him when he left as a freshman that he should initiate contact for the first couple months so that he could work through how much he wanted a life line at home, and how best to manage it. Turns out we text at least every couple days and have a regular face time call every Sunday. Now we kind of are sensitive to when he is really busy and leave him alone, but otherwise will reach out whenever either of us feels like it. I do have one “dad rule” which is that as long as I am paying for the cell phone, a text from me or mom requires a response within 24 hours ( the rule was 15 minutes in high school).
I will follow the same path with the daughter next year. I will say it is far easier to keep in touch with texting/face time than it was a billion years ago when we were all in college. One thing that helps is if there is a shared interest. My wife and son are scrabble freaks, so they have marathon words with friends games constantly. Funny aside, but I came home from work one day when he was on break and the two of them were sitting next to each other on the couch with their cell phones, not talking to each other, but playing words with friends. It is a crazy modern world.