I was you 40 years ago but with one major difference. my parents went into debt to send my sister to college, while refusing to pay one penny for my college. I had to live at home and attend a CUNY school. I couldn’t even go to my first choice because I couldn’t afford the bus fare to get there. My parents charged me $25/week rent, made me buy my own food (which my father would eat), made me install my own phone line and once I was off their health insurance at 19, didn’t give me a penny towards health care. I was barely 17 when I started college so I couldn’t be emancipated. I had to take out student loans to pay my parents’ demands.
My relationship with them was never repaired. I don’t even know where they are buried nor do I care.
Recently, a friend of mine suggested that I charge my 26 year old son rent. He is employed. I became so upset at the thought that I almost threw up.
Probably not what you want to hear, but I’m not going to judge anyone else as a parent without far more information than provided in your initial post. Even if I thought your dad was unreasonable, having a bunch of strangers on the internet tell you your dad sucks isn’t going to improve the situation or make you feel better. Do you have any other relatives who could help out? If you cut off all contact with your father, I think you’ll live to regret it, maybe not right away or in a few years, but eventually and by then it’ll be too late to get the time back.
I’m guessing by the way he gives bills in writing that you are not on speaking terms? Hopefully you are close to graduation and can move on soon. You sound really exhausted and frustrated, and I wish there were easy answers.
Could you cross off AAA coverage as an unaffordable luxury, or are dad’s bills no-haggle-allowed? Usually when money is tight, you cut back on expenses, but it sounds like you have little control over what is spent in your name right now. Or do you shop around for your car insurance, phone, etc.
I assume you are taking your maximum federal student loan? If not, that might let you work fewer hours. Have you tried talking to financial aid to see if there are any additional grants or scholarships you might be able to apply for? As others have noted, age 24 automatically makes you independent of parent income for financial aid purposes, but in the meantime the federal government says your parents are first in line to pay and “I’m not gonna” is not an excuse. Presumably your dad either makes too much money for you to get financial aid now, or doesn’t do a FAFSA, or your school doesn’t give good aid?
In your spare time (I know, right?), you might try discussing your family dynamics with someone in your school’s counseling center. Personally, I think the whole “tough love” thing isn’t love at all. A parent should guide a child towards adulthood step by step not say, “here’s the bill, figure it out.”
I am wondering if you do somethings that irritates him? Like maybe leave lights on, waste food or water, leave dirty dishes around, don’t chip in with the chores, etc. That lack of respect would probably be the only thing that would lead me to treating my college age son more like a tenant than my child. Just a thought.
So basically, your dad offered you free room and board last year, with the understanding that you would shoulder all other expenses. However, despite that statement, he apparently paid for an AAA membership last year (not food, so not something he promised to pay for) – but this year he included your share on the regular bill he gives you for the expenses he is not covering. How much is that, I wonder? (https://www.moneytalksnews.com/aaa-worth-the-cost/)
And now you have decided this is morally outrageous.
Here’s my perspective:
When my son was age 20, he decided not to return to college after his sophomore year. I sat him down and told him that I would pay for 4 years of college total, but only if completed within 5 years from the time he started – so no more money from me after age 23. We went over some money concerns and discussed expenses such as health insurance. That summer my son got a job, and a few months later moved out. He then supported himself, working, for 3 years-- basically running out the clock on parental support. After that he decided to return to college, at an in-state public. He paid his own way, getting a half-time job and living in an apartment near his school. Other than various small monetary and household gifts over the years, he has not received financial support from me.
As near as I can figure, your dad seems to have a similar perspective to mine: willing to subsidize each kid for 4 years post-college, but no more. But apparently he didn’t inform you in advance – though I also think it’s quite possible that he did mention things to you, but it didn’t sink in until it became a reality.
Seems to me that your dad is treating you like an adult. And you want more from him-- maybe more emotional support, maybe more financial support, maybe both. And your dad isn’t filling that need.
Bottom line, it sounds like time for you to move out, so you can have conflicts over bills and who pays how much for what with a roommate instead of your dad.
I think legally your father’s obligations to you ended at age 18. My guess is that it he has financial limitations of his own and is not all that happy with your living in his house at age 24.
Right, you can care for a child, love him, and still set expectations. And sometimes, those help him grow. It can also help to separate how our parents disappointed us, years ago, from some choices that help our individual kids.
“Fair isn’t always equal and equal isn’t always fair.” There’s so much more to look at than the surface details, the surface complaints. OP could examine this more than how his share of expenses is presented.
Would my H and I do this to our kid? No. Especially in the absence of financial stress. Especially not if my kid was making a major effort to work and go to school at the same time.
Assuming that your version of events is accurate, it seems to me that the problem is that your father keeps arbitrarily changing his terms–always in your disfavor–without discussing it with you. Is this true? As someone noted above, the two of you would seem to have a communication problem. While you can work on solving that, right now my focus would be on finishing school and getting out ASAP.
Re car expenses, whose car is it? Did you pay for it? Did he give it to you? Whose name is on the title? If it is yours, tell him you don’t want AAA coverage going forward because you can’t afford it. But be prepared to deal with towing and so forth if the need arises. In whose name is the insurance? If his, you may be paying less than you would if you got insurance independently. Do you have a history of accidents or tickets that drove up the premium, which is why he is now so obsessed with making sure you pay for something as trivial as AAA?
I’m assuming that you actually need a car for school and work. If not, good place to cut expenses.
I’m sorry about your situation. I commend you for working hard, going to school and paying your own bills. I would love to hear your father’s side. Could it be that he didn’t think playing hockey for two years and going to an out-of-state community college for two years were good ideas? Personally, as a parent, I would initially have reservations about that. You probably have good reasons for taking that path, but I would be concerned enough to sit down with you to discuss and try to understand those reasons before agreeing to finance them.
Perhaps your father let you go ahead with those decisions, but committed to paying only four years of whatever it is you decided or your brother decided to do. He could’ve: 1) failed to mention this plan to you, but should’ve, or 2) mentioned the plan to you, but wasn’t clear and should’ve communicated better, or 3) mentioned the plan to you, but as someone mentioned, it didn’t sink in until later, as can happen with kids sometimes.
Also, some of the reasons parents get tough on their kids are: 1) the kid has a history or track record of something or another that the parent is trying to correct, 2) they are trying to teach them a life lesson or train them as is their job as parents (things like financial responsibility, priorities, etc.), 3) an external circumstance is in play, such as finances (the parents’ finances took a downward turn or they have sudden expenses, etc.)
I think it would benefit both of you if you sat down and talked before succumbing to resentment. Try to find out and understand where he is coming from, and, in turn, convey to him the difficulty of trying to finish school while working full-time to pay bills. Maybe you can request a loan from him with the promise to pay him back as soon as you get a job after graduation. I hope things work out between the two of you.
Wow, I am so sorry this is happening to you. I agree with others who suggest that you try to move out as soon as you can. I think your dad is being cruel and overly harsh. I don’t care what the back story is. The crux of it is, he knows that without a degree, you will have a hard time being successful in life, and he knows just how incredibly expensive college is now. I doubt hockey for two years cost anything near what a year of college tuition at a state university costs now.
Was there an agreement that if you played hockey for the two years you would forfeit college tuition? Even if there was,he is still being horrible. The auto club thing is totally ridiculous. How much longer until you can graduate? I am wondering if you do need to work 40 hours a week? Do the bills actually cost that much? I do think it would be very beneficial if you could cut your work hours down, but if it isn’t, at least college ends pretty soon. Keep going forward, day by day. You can get through this. Good luck!