<p>I can’t help but think that some of the responses here over-simplify a complicated situation (and a few are simply mean-spirited and entirely unwarranted). It’s true that commuting is not the end of the world for a college student, and there are plenty of people out there who have done brilliantly in college while commuting. It’s also true that parents who are paying the bills are entitled to establish the ground rules. </p>
<p>But neither of those things change the other important realities. The student who commutes to a largely residential college will miss out on a range of important developmental experiences that count as something much more than the indulgent excesses of a spoiled child. And paying the bills does not absolve parents from carefully considering what is best for their child. Whether the OP’s parents should let him live on campus or not should be a careful decision that takes into account as many elements of the matter as possible. But I don’t think anyone should find fault with an 18-year-old for wanting the benefits of a residential college experience.</p>
<p>A one-hour commute twice a day strikes me as sufficient reason to let the student live on campus. That drive into Philly will be stressful, expensive, wasteful in various ways, and, above all, dangerous. If no other argument would convince the parents to relent, I should think that the specter of their son driving home late at night while exhausted from a day of classes and work would do the trick.</p>
<p>But if it were as simple as that, this post wouldn’t be running to six pages.</p>
<p>One more thought for the Original Poster –
Why Drexel? Perhaps part of the reason your parents want you to commute is because you’ve chosen a PRIVATE university that costs as minimum of $30,000 tuition (plus another $12,000 plus for residence and meal plan, plus more for books and expenses.) You do, of course, realize it is quite a luxury to attend a private school, right?</p>
<p>Is there a state school available to you with perhaps an honors program? Have you discussed with your parents the costs and sacrifices of attending a private university instead of a strong state program? </p>
<p>Although you mention having a job, I suspect you cannot finance $30,000 a year, and I know that you will not be able to get that much in loans. So I suspect your parents then would be coming up with a hefty portion of $120,000 in tuition over the next four years on your behalf. Perhaps the additional $12,000 per year + or $48,000 just seems over the top considering the school is relatively close.</p>
<p>I think that’s a discussion worth having – eg. suggest attending a less expensive institution AND living on campus so that you can have a more holistic experience. Let us know how it goes if you choose to have that conversation.</p>
<p>PS You said this in your post, so the finances may be more of a concern than you realize:</p>
<p>Drexel is not my top choice my top choice is Pitt because it would be much cheaper and I like the school more. My mom insists on me going to Drexel solely because it’s closer to home and thus commuting would be an option. It’s not a financial issue but more of an issue that my mom can’t let go.</p>
<p>I teach at a college with a fair number of commuting students. After the kind of winter we just had, I felt sorry for them. They were the ones who were always late to class, had to reschedule exams, etc. because they could not make it to campus in bad weather. They were the ones who had to spend an hour searching for a parking place to make it to a 1 hour 15 minute class. And don’t assume that you will be able to schedule all of your classes in commuter-convenient chunks. Sooner or later you’ll have to take a required class at an inconvenient time. Commuting is exhausting unless you live very close to campus.</p>
<p>And I absolutely agree with the others who have pointed out that statistically speaking, driving itself, especially in a densely populated metro area with bad Northeastern winter weather, is way more dangerous than living in the dorms. If your mother is overprotective, this argument may carry some weight.</p>
<p>I am going to go out on a limb here and strongly suggest you get some intervention here. Your mom is about to blow $160k needlessly. Do you have a sympathetic family member (eg. aunt, grandmother, clergy, teacher at school your mom respects) who can intervene? You need, very quickly, to get this sorted out, preferably not the way that I did when I was a kid.</p>
<p>So here’s the question – with the min. $5500 in federal loans for which you’d be eligible, can you independently afford Pitt? If your mom absolutely refuses, can you get help from other family members or support from your dad? Think about it in case you have to resort to drastic measures. </p>
<p>I was a very unruly (but smart ) teenager. My dad wanted me to go to one particular university instead of the one I chose (same price.)</p>
<p>So, this is bad advice, but here’s how I got my “way.” I rescinded my application from the school he wanted me to attend. Guess what he did? He rescinded any financial help at all, but wouldn’t disown me so that I could get financial aid. I saved up a LOT of money and went to school for a year (and loved it)… but then dropped out because I had to work full time to support myself and hadn’t been able to save up enough for my next year. I did eventually go back to school (twice!). Years and years later I did eventually pay off all my loans. My dad and I ended up getting over it all and made our peace and had a good life together until he passed away a few years ago.</p>
<p>Sometimes freedom is something you “take.” But be warned – there will be a lot of hard work when you’re working without a net, and a lot of relationship building later in life to heal your family. I’d rather see you take extraordinary measures NOW to get intervention to work out a compromise.</p>
<p>Your parents could easily pay for UPitt and residence for less than the cost of tuition at Drexel alone. There is no sense whatsoever in their plan.</p>
<p>OP: I can’t believe I’m a mom who is about to give you this advice . . . but DO NOT give in to your mother on this. You will regret not having this experience the rest of your life. I’ve had my own troubles letting go of my freshman son this year but I would never ask him to do what your mother is asking. First and foremost, I know how dangerous that kind of traffic and commuting can be – especially during the winter. Maybe you need to lay a bit of a guilt trip on her and ask her how she would feel if something did happen to you. Secondly, you need this experience. Go to Pitt and pay for it yourself if you have to. Another idea is to assure her that you will come home once a month or another frequency that would be mutually agreeable to both of you. Every time I see and talk to my son I realize that he is growing and maturing into an incredible person in a way he never could have at home. Don’t deny yourself that.</p>
<p>Classic Rocker Dad has it right by my view.</p>
<p>I’m a parent who was forced by my parents into the same circumstances. We did not have a public transportation circumstance in Southern California, however. They also made me get a job to pay for gas and to pay for the car I had to buy to get to the campus that was 65 miles away. I transferred after one year to a school 1/3rd the distance and the quality of my education suffered greatly. During that year, I did have many all nighters [I was studying architecture] working on projects with class-mates as well as studying for classes very late. I used to have “fun” calling them at 2:00 AM telling them I was afraid I’d fall asleep on the road and that I’d only be home 3-4 hours before heading right back out to campus, so I was going to sleep somewhere in the library for a few hours instead. So, while they “won” the commute issue [solely attempting to save money], they also earned some grief for their troubles. </p>
<p>You will have some very unique opportunities, however, with a Drexel education to perform your co-ops further away where you need to lodge elsewhere for up to six months at a time. That will start after the first 3 semesters of school. </p>
<p>Your parents will have absolutely no say about it being otherwise. Do they want you to move out on your own in a distant city where you no nobody having had no experience living away from your parents? Probably not. Now will they allow you to live on campus from day 1? Probably not either. </p>
<p>If you have to commute your first semester, do all your studing at school [as Classic tells it]. That way, you’ll be out the door early and home very late. Your parents will recognize if the possible 16 hours of sleep you are losing on the road is effecting your grades or your health. Parents can sense these things in their children and it hurts them much if it is their high handed decisions that are running you into an unhealthy situation. </p>
<p>With that in mind, I’d suggest you not fight it for now. Find out the facts concerning the hours of study per unit based upon classes you will be taking. Be upfront with that knowledge and even look at your numbers against the average Drexel numbers. If your not the big fish in the little pond, your parents will appreciate the competition you will face academically. It [the competition] will be much different at Drexel than it was at high school - trust me]. Tell your folks you are going to try to make it work their way, but you and your parents may need to re-visit this situation later in the first semester. Then see how it goes and be up front with them. If they ultimately believe they had a hand in the decision you live on campus, it will be much better for all of you in the long run.</p>
<p>Classic Rocker Dad has it right by my view.</p>
<p>I’m a parent who was forced by my parents into the same circumstances. We did not have a public transportation circumstance in Southern California, however. They also made me get a job to pay for gas and to pay for the car I had to buy to get to the campus that was 65 miles away. I transferred after one year to a school 1/3rd the distance and the quality of my education suffered greatly. During that year, I did have many all nighters [I was studying architecture] working on projects with class-mates as well as studying for classes very late. I used to have “fun” calling them at 2:00 AM telling them I was afraid I’d fall asleep on the road and that I’d only be home 3-4 hours before heading right back out to campus, so I was going to sleep somewhere in the library for a few hours instead. So, while they “won” the commute issue [solely attempting to save money], they also earned some grief for their troubles. </p>
<p>You will have some very unique opportunities, however, with a Drexel education to perform your co-ops further away where you need to lodge elsewhere for up to six months at a time. That will start after the first 3 semesters of school. </p>
<p>Your parents will have absolutely no say about it being otherwise. Do they want you to move out on your own in a distant city where you no nobody having had no experience living away from your parents? Probably not. Now will they allow you to live on campus from day 1? Probably not either. </p>
<p>If you have to commute your first semester, do all your studing at school [as Classic tells it]. That way, you’ll be out the door early and home very late. Your parents will recognize if the possible 16 hours of sleep you are losing on the road is effecting your grades or your health. Parents can sense these things in their children and it hurts them much if it is their high handed decisions that are running you into an unhealthy situation. </p>
<p>With that in mind, I’d suggest you not fight it for now. Find out the facts concerning the hours of study per unit based upon classes you will be taking. Be upfront with that knowledge and even look at your numbers against the average Drexel numbers. If your not the big fish in the little pond, your parents will appreciate the competition you will face academically. It [the competition] will be much different at Drexel than it was at high school - trust me]. Tell your folks you are going to try to make it work their way, but you and your parents may need to re-visit this situation later in the first semester. Then see how it goes and be up front with them. If they ultimately believe they had a hand in the decision you live on campus, it will be much better for all of you in the long run.</p>
<p>I agree with cbug “Another idea is to assure her that you will come home once a month or another frequency that would be mutually agreeable to both of you.” </p>
<p>Also, though I am not familiar with your area or the colleges there, you mentioned your mother is Russian. Is there a religious college that might have appeal for her, where she would be comfortable with you staying in the dorm?</p>
<p>Again, I say you will truly get so much more out of your college experience, as the several professors who have posted here have advised in the earlier pages of this thread.</p>
<p>Tell your mom that she is right, you are not ready to live on your own. That is why you are going to transition by living in a Dorm where you will be supported and you will eat in a dining hall. </p>
<p>Also, is she familiar with how dorms work and how the dining halls work? Maybe she is working from misunderstandings.</p>
<p>“It’s not a financial issue but more of an issue that my mom can’t let go.”</p>
<p>You do not have to commit to either Drexel or Pitt between now and May 1, which gives you time to help your mom work her way through this. It probably would be helpful if you can find someone whose judgment she trusts who can talk with her about her reasoning. If you can understand her reasons why she doesn’t want you to move out just yet, you will be better able to decide whether or not you should do so. And, at the very least, find out how to get to Drexel by train and/or bus. Driving an hour each way in Philly every day is probably not worth the imagined savings over the cost of public transportation. As others have pointed out, you can sleep and study on the train. In a car, you should’t take your mind off the road for even one second.</p>
<p>While I am quite a bit older than you, I found myself in exactly the same situation as you back in the 1970s. I did not have a choice and had to attend a commuter college(paid for by state scholarship), deinitely not my choice. I had a free ride to another college out of state but wasn’t allowed to go there by my immigrant parents (also from the Soviet Union). A child back then just did not defy the parents and being a girl made it even worse. But even after all these years I still hate them for not allowing me to go to the college of my choice which may have made a difference in the career path I had chosen.</p>
<p>My daughter is now a junior in high school. Her father and I have told her how much we will contribute towards her college education and that based on her major (she is leaning towards secondary-ed) would prefer that she attend a college in her homestate of PA. Of course if she earns scholarships or can pay her own way (via jobs or loans) then we cannot stand in her way or where she wants to go. We encourage her to live on campus and if she is not comfortable with that she can always change her mind. While I will always be worried if she is safe and healthy (it is what a parent does) I do understand the need to let go and let her start her own life.</p>
<p>So while I am sure it is difficult to go against your parents wishes, if you are capable of attending the college of your choice I would encourage you to do so and deal with the fallout afterwards. Your parents will come to terms with your independence hopefully in a short period. Let’s face it this is your future and your parents at this point in your life should not stand in the way of your future. I know many who went away to college and never moved back home. Life in the US is surely so very different than the life your parents had experienced in their native land and so while I understand where they are coming from, they should know what you are like and trust you and your instincts.</p>
<p>So whatever decisions you make I wish you much luck and success in life!</p>
<p>I didn’t read the whole thread, but Drexel does have a history of being somewhat of a commuter school. There is an organization and I think even a lounge for commuters. Network with that group and find out how they’ve handled it. Traffic tie-ups on the way in could make you miss class. Parking is expensive and after a deep snow could be impossible. If you have to commute you’d be better off taking a train if you can; at least you could get work done and have less stress than driving. The area surrounding Drexel is sketchy…if you have to walk to the train at night you might want to have a buddy. Drexel cops don’t patrol that far. Take a ride around west Philly at night with your parents to see the neighborhood. </p>
<p>If it is in part a cost issue you could offer to give up car or driving privileges so your parents get a break on insurance and car expenses, in exchange for staying on campus, and earning enough to pay your dorm costs via co-ops, summer earnings, and part-time work. It might take longer to graduate, but you’d have an answer about the expense. OTOH you could try to commute for a year, leaving home early and coming back late–heading there for ECs etc on weekends–your parents would realize they are not seeing that much of you even though you sleep at home, and they may relent after a semester or a year. They’d also get to witness your commuter issues. Another idea-- see if Drexel has a wellness dorm–they might be reassured if you were willing to live someplace like that.</p>
<p>This will sound slightly misanthropic, even mean, but don’t listen to colleges or their official reps and employees in making this decision. Colleges want you to commute. Simply put, it’s more money in their wallets. They will tell you that your life will be miserable and you need a “college experience” to be a fully grown adult. Their employees get their salary from you tuition & fees, so they have a direct financial interest in having you commute.</p>
<p>I am wary of this emphasis on the “college experience” necessary to make you a full grown adult. People say it as if you will be psychologically unhealthy if you don’t live a dorm. I find that an unfair use of scare tactics. I agree dorms make it easier to make friends, but you can become a mature adult without it. Heck, thousands of functional adults never even went to college! What about the rest of the world? In other nations, commuter students are the norm, not the exception. Are they all messed up?</p>
<p>I also warn you about the biasing fact that most students (not in community colleges, that is) live in dorms. They will naturally advocate you do the same. I recommend asking people who also commuted to college before you make your decision.</p>
<p>Find out exactly how much room and board will be. Work as much as you can this summer and see if you can at least put a small portion of that total aside. Look into as many scholarhships as you can and apply to those before deadlines this winter/spring. Talk to your school counselor to see about how you can apply for your own loans as well. Then, last but not least, work your a** off and earn more money from Drexel through Merit. Colleges WILL award current students for their effort (not just incoming Freshman). You are absolutely right to want to experience a life on your own at college and I cannot comprehend how a parent wouldn’t see the benefit in that. If you don’t have their support, work as HARD as you possibly can to find a way to do it alone. I love the previous poster’s idea to stay at Drexel from dawn until late night, lol!</p>
<p>wow gadad, your post puts mine to shame, not that i needed any help. i absolutely love your marriage analogy and agree with it 110%. </p>
<p>i really am truly sorry to parents who were offended by my melodrama. Especially if it hurt your cause, Originally Poster. I was trying to articulate- ineffectively- that the college experience (IF your parents could afford it and willing to afford it if they could see and accept the benefits) is worth it enough to justify some means to an end (getting your butt on campus at least for your Freshman year). but of course i have no right to assume anything about your parents or your relationship with your parents.</p>
<p>part of my melodrama came from how i identify with having immigrant parents. i don’t think a lot of you understand what that is like. being a parent isn’t the same as being an immigrant parent who, understandably, didn’t go through the same upbringing because they grew up in another culture. they are overprotective because they can’t possibly understand what they did not go through so of course they can only assume the worst. how they navigate this new country, especially with decisions that concern their child, depends a lot on how open and trusting they are to other opinions. you can’t just provide what seems like reasonable, legitimate, un-exagerrated (sp?) logic. and so i grew up having to fight against a lot of my parents’ unfounded insecurities, because i cared that much about having an experience that fit my environment (as a native American born in American culture) instead of living what my parents can only ASSUME what they thought i needed, assumptions that come from unfounded insecurities (but reasonable fear). i felt that these unfounded insecurities were at the expense of experiences kids around me enjoyed that i could enjoy if only my parents could understand (i’m trying really hard not to sound entitled.) </p>
<p>your parents don’t think you are ready to live out on your own, to have an experience that they most likely would have allowed you if only they had gone through that experience if they were born here (unless of course money is the issue- which based on the tone of your thread proposal, i’m assuming isn’t the main issue for you). that’s an insecurity that will never be resolved, and thus “rob you” (i’m trying guys) of an experience they could soooo gladly allow you if they could just only understand and trust their son despite the natural inclination to keep you forever, unless you exhaust all reasonable means to achieve that understanding for them. what im trying to say is, it’s a completely different story for immigrant parents to send their kids off to college than it is for parents who grew up here in America and sending their kids off to college…in the same country, America. and that’s why i mentioned some… unconventional, crazy advice. sometimes you gotta fight illogical fear with illogical means. and i know that sounded really stupid. </p>
<p>my background- my parents preferred that i lived at home, but it really didn’t take any convincing for them to agree (and pay for) that i live on campus. as insecure as they are when it comes to anything that has to do with their kids being independent, i was lucky because they have many fellow immigrant parents for friends that all sent their kids AWAY to college. they always made decisions based on the decisions their friends made because it made them feel more secure, and im very lucky i didn’t have to do it on my own.</p>
<p>Have you brought up the fact that spending two hours a day driving to and from school is wasting valuable time that could better be spent studying? And what if you’re too tired to drive from all night study sessions come finals and midterm season? You could put the lives of other drivers in danger if you accidently doze off on the road. There are also other unaccountable things such as traffic, the possibilities of repeated tardiness, suspension, etc. And by commuting, especially for that long, and given your past social history, there’s a strong chance that you will feel left out from social events, friends, relationships, etc. which could leave a lifelong psychological effect.</p>
<p>Also, are you a full tuition student or is the school giving you a scholarship that covers room and board? If your mom doesn’t have to pay for room and board, it’ll will make it easier for her to see that being a residential student is good for you. And if not, you can always work for the room and board money, or ask for a loan.</p>
) teenager. My dad wanted me to go to one particular university instead of the one I chose (same price.)</p>