<p>I have to agree with perro, the topic is better than the old man story which, among other things, was too vague and not quite convincing.</p>
<p>I think this has been said before, but the fact that this sample does not flow well, seems to hashed, and uses too many intricate expressions leads me to feel that it is unnatural and, furthermore, that you seem to have been in a hurry and/or rather stressed out when you wrote it. Perhaps you should, using the very same ideas, try writing it all over again, only this time calmly, and with your words, your feelings, your passion. I'd rather see something "real" and genuine in a very simplistic language yet perfect grammar, than the grandiloquent expressions you use here. </p>
<p>does the closing statement in my essay give you a feeling that I demanded entry into cornell? </p>
<pre><code>Breaking News: Family of four buried in a mudslide as Hurricane Ivan lashed Jamaica Saturday night bringing the toll to 19
This was a headline I would never forget simply because the people killed in that mudslide were members of my family. Family bonds are the focal points in our lives that help us develop a sense of identity. Motivated by morals and family values, we learn how to cope with the hardship of life. It was that point in time that I realized how important family is to me.
My mother quoted something that I would never forget, My family comes out to practice, and theyre at every game I was reassured that the back-bone of my life, my family, would also be there for support. The people who have taught me how far I have come, who helped build my self-confidence and self-esteem that aide my ability, were the most important values my family could have taught me.
To comprehend what my family has done for my over the last few years are truly remarkable. It was the encouragement of my grandmother who died in the hurricane that helped me to remain steadfast in my studies in times of adversity. I was motivated at times through tough love, but later came to the realization that no one owed me anything.
Beatrice Pitter, a woman unsurpassed in wisdom became the most influential person I have ever met. Now I have come to a stage in my life were I have learned to appreciate what I have been blessed with. I come from a line of gifted people; a legacy I am now grateful for. These lessons of life were vital to my shortcomings. It was ambition and family motivation why I have made it thus far, and for these I will thrive even longer making me a great asset to Cornell University.
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[quote]
It was ambition and family motivation why I have made it thus far, and for these I will thrive even longer making me a great asset to Cornell University.
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</p>
<p>No, it doesn't, because it's barely intelligible.</p>
<p>If an English teacher really revised this, I would ask about his/her credentials, because the grammar is scarcely better than before. Honestly, if an admissions officer reads this in its current state, he will be less likely to admit you.</p>
<p>An english teacher revised it....after HITTIN THE REEFER!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!</p>
<p>I've given up on trying to help with this essay.</p>
<p>Seriously man. Oh, what college are you applying to? Hope its not arts and sciences.</p>
<p>Also, you will get mad points from the admissions people if you can incorporate the phrase "they set us up the bomb" or "all your base are belong to us" into the essay.</p>
<p>I never knew that you guys were scholars at the age of 17 or so, I only asked for help, not to make mock an english teacher credentials. Thanks for the advice anyways.</p>
<p>I don't think any of us are claiming to be scholars. I don't think that one has to be a scholar to possess the capability to construct sentences which follow the basic tenets of the English language.</p>
<p>Additionally, we gave you our advice and our help. A lot of it. Several threads' worth. It was only after we realized that this wasn't getting anywhere that we began to joke and "make mock an english teacher credentials." </p>
<p>Please don't take this as an insult anonymous because I'm honestly trying to help: I think that you should reevaluate your prospects for Cornell. And don't accuse me of believing that I am an adcom or something because from this (admittedly pretty small) writing sample, even if it's only a rough draft, it doesn't look like you are making a strong case for admission.</p>
<p>you have some pretty bad run-on sentences. also, try to link why this has made you you and how this will help you at cornell/college</p>
<p>example:</p>
<p>It was ambition and family motivation why I have made it thus far, and for these I will thrive even longer making me a great asset to Cornell University.</p>
<p>thus seems unecessary and forced,
and the whole thing doesnt make sense with the reason for cornell because its a run-on.
and what is these? try to clarify things more. in all seriousness, is english your first language?</p>
<p>In all fairness, it seems like your heart is really in this topic, but you're definitely having difficulty expressing it to the reader. I would start from scratch simply to re-sort your ideas, and consider the suggestions offered. The opening is an attention-grabber, so give more details on that incident - the reader can basically infer all that you have stated in the second paragraph (where you offer the quote from your mother). I'd delete that paragraph completely and give more details about how your family overcame the hardships of the hurricane. It will be more emotionally moving that way.</p>
<p>its a good topic, but you need explain how you felt when you saw that headline, saying it affected you isn't enough. Talk about your physical reactions or the exact thought that went through your head. When i read this essay i feel like you are removed from the real situation. I don't feel the emotion you probably felt, add some of it.</p>
<p>also, i think you shouldn't be discouraged because of grammar errors. You do have them and they need to be fixed, but its something you can work through with another teacher if you get a large amount of time alone with them. Read it aloud and make sure it sounds right. I'm not inclined to believe that because you're grammar needs some work you won't make it at Cornell- its something that can be improved upon easily in writing. A person has many other skills and abilities which will define their success besides strictly grammar- however important it may be- and once they are out in the real world someone will always be there to help them edit their writing anyway.</p>
<p>i do agree on the part where a person won't be judged on their grammar, but the truth is a person sounds more educated if the use correct grammar.</p>
<p>i feel it's necessary for it to be perfect because the grammar will inhibit the reader from reading fluidly through essay without stopping. also the grammar problems here are pretty bad and i think it takes away from the essay as a whole. you also jump around ALOT. try to slow down.</p>
<p>it is a great topic to write about though, and you can get alot out of it if you start from the beginning again and put all of your thoughts down, organize them, find your main points, and write coherent sentences. if it works and the content is a good topic then you will have a great essay.</p>
<p>This was a (the) headline (that) I would never forget simply (simply is not necessary) because the people killed in that mudslide were members of my family. Family bonds are the focal points in our lives that help us ( focal points in our lives; they help is is better) develop a sense of identity. Motivated by morals and family values, we learn how to cope with the hardship of life. It was that point in time (then) that I realized how important family is to me.</p>
<p>My mother quoted something that I would never forget (I will never forget my mothers quote:), My family comes out to practice, and theyre at every game I was reassured that the back-bone of my life, my family, would also be there for support. The people who have taught me how far I have come, who helped build my self-confidence and self-esteem that aide my ability, were the most important values my family could have taught me. (Reread this sentence and see if it makes sense you are equating the people to the most important values, wtf?)</p>
<p>To comprehend what my family has done for my (me) over the last few years are truly remarkable (also doesnt make sense, why is it remarkable to comprehend what you family has done?). It was the encouragement of my grandmother who died in the hurricane that helped me to remain steadfast in my studies in times of adversity. I was motivated at times through tough love (??), but later came to the realization that no one owed me anything (why? what does this have to do with anything? Be more specific, who owes you what?).</p>
<p>Beatrice Pitter (your grandmother?), a woman unsurpassed in wisdom (comma) became the most influential person I have ever met (known). Now I have come to a stage in my life were I have learned to appreciate what I have been blessed with (do you need to come to a certain stage in your life to appreciate?). I come from a line of gifted people; a legacy I am now grateful for. These lessons of life were vital to my shortcomings (what lessons? Why are they vital to your shortcomings? Again, be more specific). It was ambition and family motivation why I have made it thus far, and for these I will thrive even longer making me a great asset to Cornell University (blah...dont flatter yourself so blatantly in a college application essay).</p>
<p>These are just some guidelines, the essay is still weak. You are being too general and insincere. Concentrate on specific things (how this incident has affected your life directly) and dont rely on broad statements that dont make sense (I began to realize .blah blah blah)</p>